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Nov 19 · 173
wounded
little lion Nov 19
you kissed the ****** scars
that adorned my fingertips,

only to shatter the heart you helped to repair, then leave me to pick up the broken pieces once again.

.

In seven years,
my body will be one that is
untouched by you...

but my heart may not be so lucky.
I never asked you to.
Nov 17 · 61
lost
little lion Nov 17
where
where the
where the ****
where the **** did
where the **** did I
where the **** did you
where the **** did we
go...
go wrong?
Nov 12 · 323
repurposing
little lion Nov 12
My role in this life seems to be the
deuteragonist:
"a constant companion to the protagonist or someone who continues actively aiding a protagonist."
All I wish for myself is the love, happiness and success that I have devoted my past, present, and future to helping other people obtain.

I suppose that,
only the protagonist gets to make a wish
that comes true.
I wish I deserved to be loved.
Oct 28 · 76
resonating thought #9
little lion Oct 28
I have spent years seeking approval, appreciation, validation... things I felt needed to come from others in order for them to be real.
.
.
.
Maybe it's time for me to give those things to myself.
.
.
.
I don't need permission to experience good things.
I don't need it.
little lion Oct 12
I used to lay awake at night and imagine my future;
a big, clean house with an open-concept first floor and a large backyard, with big sliding-glass doors leading onto a beautiful deck where I would one lay sit down with a book and a mug of coffee while watching my beautiful wife run and play with our three children.
I used to picture her coming up onto the deck, smelling of fresh grass, sweat and happiness, with our children in tow
to join me on the wicker chairs.
Our youngest would plop himself into my lap, wrapping his chubby arms around my neck as much as he could and peppering my face with the sort of kisses only a toddler can give.
Our older two would take their own seats, our daughter sitting as far from her sweaty older brother as she can get, while said brother would throw himself down into his chair (with an interjection from my wife to "take it easy, Joey, you don't want to break it!") and ask excitedly what we would be eating for dinner.


bliss.
Now I simply wonder how I'll be able to make my solitude bearable.
Sep 13 · 111
resonating thought #8
little lion Sep 13
it was 365 days ago
that things changed.



I regret that,
and I regret you.
little lion Aug 31
I have not gotten more than four hours of sleep a night in over two years,
with the single exception being the time you held me to you, moulded me to your body and let me settle, perfectly fit against you like clay.
My only reprieve was your presence beside me that night.

But as you were my reprieve, I was your escape.
A temporary solution to a long-term problem that you were not yet ready to address:
the weight of it remained in the shadows of that night
and the days that followed,
the weeks we spent together
and the nights I longed to be cradled against you once more.

I ignored it the way one ignores an expiration date... hesitantly paying attention at first, then slowly becoming secure in the false-hope that maybe that day will never come,
that things will simply last forever.

youmouldedthepartsofmethatyouneededtofillyourcracksthen­broketherestofmeonceyouwerefixed.

It's been 54 days since we last spoke,
7 months since we last embraced,
9 months since we last kissed,
353 days since that night.


It's been over 730 days since I last slept,
and 353 days since I woke up to a life I wanted to live.

I wish you had been a dream...
I cannot keep living this nightmare.
I thought I was getting over her, but the loneliness of last night proved just how much she ruined me.
Aug 25 · 722
one wish
little lion Aug 25
where can I find a place
that will soften my hardened heart
without disrupting the healing
that has only just begun?
Jul 15 · 244
gone
little lion Jul 15
I knew leaving was the right choice
when you couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye.


I suppose your silence tells me everything I need to know.

I hope they're worth it.
Jun 28 · 347
absence
little lion Jun 28
I had hoped you'd grow fonder,
but instead you've gone farther away.


I wish you'd come back to me.
I miss what we could have been.
Apr 15 · 177
resonating thought #7
little lion Apr 15
I drank the poison from your lips,
not realizing that you had already taken the antidote
Apr 8 · 274
"always"
little lion Apr 8
I hope that you choke on the promises that you made me.
Every word,
every plan,
every reassurance that you'd always be there,
every claim that I was yours and yours alone,
I hope that they suffocate you the way that your misplaced love sits on my lungs like a brick, sinking deeper and deeper into my soul with every breath I take and every beat of my heart.

I'll miss you always,
I'll want you always...

but I might just hate you always, too.
**** I know I can't have her and I know she doesn't want me but there's nothing I wouldn't give to be hers.
Apr 7 · 214
ghost
little lion Apr 7
I hope that when I walk away,
you'll understand that I am leaving
not to hurt you,
but to save myself
from being hurt by you.
I don't want to love you.
Mar 24 · 461
reflection
little lion Mar 24
I will shatter the mirrors
that reflect me as anything other than
the strong woman
I am becoming.
I am stronger than the demons that try to consume me
Mar 16 · 188
resonating thought #6
little lion Mar 16
I don't even know who I am anymore.


If you had asked me
two,
three,
four years ago,
where I pictured I would be now,
I would have told you that I didn't think I'd make it this far.

I was wrong about myself then,
how am I supposed to believe anything I think I know about myself now?

How can I expect anyone else to know me,
to want me,
to love me,
when I barely even know my own name anymore?
Time is a manmade construct and it's going to tear me apart.
little lion Mar 12
No. No, I'm not.
Those words should warm my heart but instead they just fill me with dread and despair,
I want to be loved,
I want to be waited for,
I want to be wanted,
but not by you.

"Stop making me fall for you."
I'm trying. I don't want you to fall,
but you're plummeting towards the ground at 100 miles an hour and I will not be there to catch you.
I don't want you to love me,
I don't want you to wait for me,
I don't want you to want me,
but I don't want to break your heart.

"I can't wait for the future."
But I'm still hung up in my past.
I want to get married,
I want to have children,
I want to grow older,
but not with you by my side.

"Honesty could never hurt me, you can't hurt my feelings."
But I can break your heart.
You've given me everything I need to shatter it into two,
three,
four million pieces.
but what kind of person would that make me, to break something so fragile?


I will never grow to love you,
no matter how long you wait.
I don't want to break your heart, but keep pushing
and it might end up being too late.
Mar 2 · 444
lesson
little lion Mar 2
we're taught the dangers of drugs, told that
"it only takes one."
one drink, one hit, one choice,
as though it's the single poisonous flower out of a beautiful bouquet.

given the choice between a living rose with thorns or
an entire artificial arrangement,
the risk of bleeding will outweigh the everlasting disappointment of the fabricated beauty
every
single
time.
Feb 22 · 74
home
little lion Feb 22
if I had to choose a place
to spend the rest of my days,
I'd choose your arms.
Feb 19 · 339
untitled
little lion Feb 19
I don't want to love you anymore.
but how am I supposed to make myself fall out of love
with the one who taught me
what love really feels like?
Feb 16 · 178
resonating thought #5
little lion Feb 16
I can feel us drifting...
how far
until I can't reach you anymore?
I never want to lose you.
Feb 9 · 339
change
little lion Feb 9
It's funny how the things that used to hurt you
become distant memories
and silly jokes
once you realize that they were never meant to
do anymore more than
hurt you.

Sometimes I try to count
just how many tears I wasted,
just how many times I desired to
take my life
over the things that gave me the strength
to face the life I'm living today.

How does one count the cracks in their heart?
I use the scars on my body.
They have faded over the years,
but it's less about the number
and more about the memories:
which ones were supposed to inflict pain,
and which were meant to be an escape?

Maybe someday I'll throw away the keepsakes,
the boxes under my bed filled with my first real heartbreak,
the clothes shared throughout my second,
the pictures taken to scrapbook my third,
and the gifts and letters that hopefully won't become symbols of my fourth.
Feb 5 · 303
Fishbowl
little lion Feb 5
My life has become a bit like a fishbowl:
the glass is thick and durable, it's supposed to
be smudge-proof, but you never fail to leave your finger-
prints behind. There are rocks at the bottom, a blend of neons:
blue and orange and pink and green and yellow, painted with the
cheap kind of paint that eventually chips away and gathers at the tip-top of the water...always mixing in with the the flimsy food flakes you toss in at mealtimes before watching with disinterested fascination as I swim to the top and sort through what's edible and what's not, as if the food is much better than the chips of paint and the dust bites that gather after a few days of sitting on the counter. My bowl stays in the sun as though the pink and purple fake plants you've given me require time spent in
the light to grow and prosper, although it is fun to check every
now and then to see how much you really care when I let
myself drift to the top of the water to bask in the glow
of either the sun or the artificial lamp that's been
placed next to my bowl. Some nights you
forget to turn it off, but I don't mind
so much because at least then I
can watch over you at night
the way you watch over
her, instead of me.
Feb 4 · 238
please.
little lion Feb 4
They say that "Nothing worth having comes easy."

I hope that means I'll have you in the end, because it sure is hard
without you.
Or maybe I'm just meant to be alone.
Feb 2 · 408
resonating thought #4
little lion Feb 2
You held me through the night the way I always imagined a lover would.
And nothing hurts me more than the knowledge
that you did not hold me out of love,
but out of habit;
because for seven years,
you've been holding her
the very same way.
I've never slept as soundly as I did when I was in your arms. I wish that I was yours to hold.
Feb 2 · 678
Aching
little lion Feb 2
I have taught myself to believe that everything happens for a reason... how else am I supposed to cope with the endless, torturous hurt that barrels through my body day after day,
wearing down my bones the way
trains begin to wear down their tracks;
the piercing shriek of the wheels spinning against
the push of the brakes mimicking the
cry of my legs struggling to hold up the
nineteen year's worth of
trauma and heartache and exhaustion
threatening to come tumbling down onto
the tracks while my
heart is forced to stare helplessly on,
an innocent bystander
to the impending tragedy that will
forever scar her for life as she is
forced to watch me lose mine?
There has to be a reason
Feb 2 · 312
resonating thought #3
little lion Feb 2
I can feel myself returning
back to that same spot:
yours, in everything but title.

yet I can't stop myself from hoping and dreaming and praying that
maybe this time
you'll be mine, too.
even though I know you never will be.
I was a fool to think I could ever talk myself out of loving you.
Jan 30 · 472
ambition.
little lion Jan 30
someday,
I will be worthy of the
same love
that I bestow onto others.

someday,
I will harbor the
same strength
that I give to others.

someday,
I will feel the
same joy
that I manifest for others.


but until that day,
I will wipe the
same tears,
dry the
same eyes,
bear the
same burden,
and carry on.
Jan 29 · 237
overdose
little lion Jan 29
Is there a prescription to treat
loneliness?
.
.
.
and how much is needed to cure it?
Jan 27 · 178
resonating thought #2
little lion Jan 27
there are millions of people that I have seen for the last time... but how many of them actually saw me?
Jan 26 · 180
resonating thought #1
little lion Jan 26
she may be my soulmate,
but what if
I'm not hers?
Jan 24 · 174
choices
little lion Jan 24
it took two months for me to devote my love and loyalty to you.
despite knowing that you had someone who devoted seven year's worth,
I stayed ready, waiting, and hoping to be chosen for once,
just once I want to be somebody's devotion.

seven years, and this is the first time your devotion to her has wavered...
but despite the knowledge that there are other hearts at stake, my devotion to you stands tall and firm and... uncaring.

uncaring that your devotion lies elsewhere, uncaring that the late night promises made weren't truly for me but were simply missteps on your path of uncertainty, uncaring that you were not holding me to hold me, but holding someone because you were not able to hold her, uncaring that making me fall in love with you was nothing more than the result of your misguided attempt to find the romance and intimacy that you thought you had lost with her,
only to realize that you had to make a choice...
and that I wouldn't be chosen.
Jan 3 · 431
Expenses
little lion Jan 3
Is there really such a thing as "free time?"
How can there be, when an hour spent practicing "self care" costs two hours of frantic writing and googling to finish an assignment due that very same day,
when a day taken off of work costs two days worth of unpaid overtime to catch up on the overload,
when a week spent recovering from another plunge into depression costs two more to find any semblance of order again.

When did it become shameful to "stop and smell the roses?" When did we stop encouraging "family time" and start encouraging forty-hour work weeks? When did "taking a break" become synonymous with "being lazy" and "hard work" become synonymous with "overworking?"

If making ends meet costs us our time,
then what's the price of Happiness?
Sustaining a life shouldn't be this hard.
Dec 2020 · 522
future
little lion Dec 2020
When is it my turn?
19 and living on borrowed time...
where is my happiness, my success?
Where is my devotion and love?
Where is my someone to hold me through the nights and support me through the days?

When will my future come?
For years they promised I'd look back on these "glory days" with nothing but fond remembrances,
but what if I want to forget?
little lion Dec 2020
wordswordswordswordswordswordswords flood my brain when I see you;
words of thanks,
words of care,
words of love...
but every time I see you, those words are blocked by the dam of thoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughts of the past;
thoughts of our afternoons spent together,
thoughts of our plans and promises,
thoughts of us.
then my smile quickly fades once I start to remember the painpainpainpainpainpainpain that it caused...
the pain of the lies,
the pain of the longing,
the pain of knowing that those words, those thoughts, this pain is the only part of you that will ever be mine.
I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm over it, but there's still some of me that misses what we shared...
Dec 2020 · 243
Understanding
little lion Dec 2020
sometimes we break.

take those broken pieces
and rebuild a mosaic of
love
laughter
hurt
beauty
pain
truth.

nothing is more beautiful than the truth.
Nov 2020 · 436
back to before
little lion Nov 2020
It's nights like these that make feelings of regret creep out of the shadows,
they come in through the cracks in the walls and the space beneath the door and crawl into the crevices in my bones and the pockets of space in my heart that used to be filled by you.

I wrap myself in the words you used to say, reread the messages you used to write and surround myself with the gifts you used to send back when I thought I was special...
back when you made me feel special.

It's nights like these when I can't help but imagine how much warmer I would be if I was in your arms, how much easier I would sleep knowing that I'd be waking up to you: your smile, your jokes, your touch...

But instead of sleeping, my mind continues to replay the moments,
the days,
the weeks,
the weeks and the ******* the months that led to this point, my mind is stuck trying to decipher where things went wrong and trying to determine how we got here and trying to find a way to ask "can we go back?"



I want to go back.
Nov 2020 · 531
counting
little lion Nov 2020
how many drinks does it take
to reach a clarity that will last
through the buzz?
how many until I wake up
feeling the same euphoria
that I thought I could only feel
when I was with you?
the one that made happiness thrum in my veins and a smile blinding like sunlight stretch across my face,
how do I get that without you?
I still sleep with your sweatshirt.
Nov 2020 · 478
free falling
little lion Nov 2020
It's too cold at night,
I'm searching for your warmth.
I stumble through the dark,
I just want to be alright.

I'm searching for your warmth,
I wake up alone.
I just want to be alright,
but you have made your choice.

I wake up alone,
I'm exhausted and I'm cold
but you have made your choice,
now I am on my own.

I'm exhausted and I'm cold,
I stumble through the night.
Now I am on my own.
It's too cold at night.
Oct 2020 · 227
12 years of friendship
little lion Oct 2020
I never would have thought that you,
of all people,
would pull a vanishing act on me.

I guess I should have realized
after 12 years of second, third, fourth chances
that you're no different than the rest.
Oct 2020 · 671
self sabotage
little lion Oct 2020
I knew from the ******* start
it would go no further than what it was.
There would be no dates,
no hand-holding,
no declarations of love while sitting under a beautiful sunset at 7:02pm on a Sunday.

Those things are her's,
have been her's for seven years
and probably will be for seven more.

But **** did you make it seem as though
I was worthy of those things,
that I could hold your hand,
and take you on dates,
and tell you that I love you under a beautiful sunset at 7:02pm on a Sunday.

And **** did it hurt, **** does it hurt that
you gave me something so new, something so strong that I forgot what I knew from the ******* start:

you can never love me. you don't want to love me. you WILL never love me.

I was just for fun,
but she's for forever.
I knew I couldn't do casual, and I ended up exactly where I knew I would if I tried.
Oct 2020 · 340
desperate for answers
little lion Oct 2020
God, what did I do to deserve such a
lonely and hallow existence,
trudging along such a dreary path
with a soul so heavy and beaten
that it is too hard to love?





Why am I so hard to love?
Oct 2020 · 618
out
little lion Oct 2020
out
I want to come out.
I want to walk out and slam the door behind me
with whatever variation of a rainbow flag
billowing in the wind as I walk past.

I want to be out.
I want to be me and do so shamelessly
without fear of judgement or dislike
from people who may disagree

I wish I was out.
But I don't even know what I am
I want be yours and yours alone,
but there's no flag for that

I wish I was yours...
you have my mind and body and soul
but I'm just here on the side,
because you are still hers.
I wish you would choose me.
Feb 2020 · 336
Dust
little lion Feb 2020
This morning, the world woke up without me.
Daylight crested above the trees, where bird-songs filled the crisp winter air and squirrels began scurrying through frost-bitten yards.
                                                          ­                                Neighbors went about their day, putting children on school buses before bustling themselves to work. The mailman came and left, dropping off packages filled with useless purchases and magazine subscriptions that sit piled in corners, gathering dust.
Hallways filled with swarms of students eager for the final bell. Lockers slammed and classroom seats filled, my desk being the only one left empty
                                                           ­                               (second row from the front, farthest to the right or left, whichever was opposite of the door. Perfect view of the clock, the whiteboard, the teacher, and everyone who entered and exited the room.)
Emails went unanswered, books left unfinished, my room left untouched... a thin layer of dust began to collect atop my existence that went unnoticed.
                                                      ­                                  
Unnoticed by them, unnoticed by you.
You never noticed me, and you never will.
Jan 2020 · 431
Ellipsis
little lion Jan 2020
It's funny how easy it has become
to break someone's heart.

Mere seconds of fingers flying across a keyboard
is enough to shatter their world,
and the only warning they get is
three little dots...

Then there's nothing but silence...
and they're left to pick up the pieces
of the cracks that go deeper
than just the screen.

Cracks that can't be fixed by a kiosk or by mail-order replacement.
No. These cracks...
                                                                ­             they're permanent.
Words seem to hurt more when you have to see them laying in front of you...
Jan 2020 · 212
10 pm thoughts
little lion Jan 2020
I wonder if I'll ever know what it feels like
to wake up each morning
to a life
that's actually worth living.
Jan 2020 · 169
Unreachable
little lion Jan 2020
You'd think that by now, I would know better than to fall for someone like you; that my heart would have realized falling for someone so unreachable was foolish. You'd think that years of heartbreak and betrayal would have taught me that some people are simply meant to be alone... that I'm simply meant to be
alone.

You'd think I'd know better than to try and make myself beautiful for you, that years of failed attempts to cover my flaws with foundation and mascara would have been enough. That I'd have realized by the third time that words of love are just words of lies; that love is only given to those who deserve it... and that I don't
deserve it.

I thought I knew better; knew that my dreams of a happily ever after were no more than the dreams of a naive schoolgirl, pining after a man that would never exist... a man that would never love her.
Knew that Sunday mornings spent curled up with the love of your life were only for those who didn't have to try, that love was supposed to be effortless.
Knew that I would never be, will never be the one anyone wants, that my soul was too tainted and imperfect to have a mate. That somebody like you was just a fantasy.

But you're here...and ever so unreachable.
Nov 2018 · 267
Self-Love is Blind
little lion Nov 2018
I fear that I may never see the
Beauty
that others claim to see in me.
I fear that I will never wake up and be Proud
of the woman that my mirror reflects.
I fear that I will never be good enough to Succeed
at the things that I love.

There is nothing I want more
Than to be able to love myself
The way that you claim to.

But I cannot see
What is not truly there...
Apr 2018 · 277
Before
little lion Apr 2018
I wish I could go back the days when
I was more than just a victim,
those days filled with frontflips on trampolines and playdates with friends
never seemed so important

Now the time just passes
ticking by like clockwork
while I sit here waiting for the scars to
heal so that
maybe
I can at least
look
the way I did before.
Feb 2018 · 3.9k
lonely
little lion Feb 2018
sleepless nights
sleepless night
sleepless nigh
sleepless nig
sleepless ni
sleepless n
sleepless
sleeples
sleeple
sleepl
sleep
slee
sle
sl
s
sl
sle
sl­ee
sleep
sleepi
sleepin
sleeping
sleeping a
sleeping al
sleeping alo
sleeping alon
sleeping alone
sleeping alone.
Feb 2018 · 182
things i’m not
little lion Feb 2018
happy
skinny
lovely
kind
strong
brave
pretty
sweet
smart
creative­

yours.
I’m tired.
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