i have been placed on to a pedestal.
for every one to gawk at and be repulsed by.
I do not hate these people for judging what I've done.
I'm an animal
trapped in a cage
confused,
but understanding when a finger is pointed my way and the booming voices shout
'YOU HAVE BETRAYED US!!'
And what tears my insides apart
is that I have not only
betrayed
my friends,
but also myself.
I despise what I see in the mirror;
mentally
physically
even the existence of my being.
how can the unforgivable
be forgiven?

screaming into a room filled with people,
and yet i still feel silent.
ripping at my skin begging for beauty to appear,
and yet I have not been granted my wish.
clawing at my eyes to finally see what gifts life has offered me,
and yet I still feel alone.
why is it so hard
to forgive,
to accept,
to love
yourself?
has my brain become so damaged by society
that a switch turning off
causing a disease
to spread like wildfire through my cells?
I beg myself to be normal,
try to accept that I'm different.
but different isn't normal
and normal isn't me.
I have to accept it and move on,
be who I am meant to be.

Forever will never be enough.
Time will never last long enough.
I was never strong enough
to keep you safe.
I was told I would never be good enough,
you proved them wrong at first.
Holding my hand, while caressing my heart with your passion of life.
But now you've ruined it all.
By using the hands you held onto mine so strongly with to end your own life.
Now I'm told that you saw the real me,
and wanted no part.
I can see right through the lies..
but oh
you selfish ******* you.
You left me, alone and confused.
all the while of never
thinking to hand me back my heart
before
you ruined me.
completely and infinitely;
I will always remain broken.

I'm thinking of love at 2:45 am.
And all the while, your face
pops up in my memory like a flower in a meadow of weeds.
I don't think i know how to love but
When I see that certain smile upon
Your face,
My heart skips a beat
And my stomach does flips
And my hands get sweaty
And my mouth runs dry.
And if that's love
Then, God.
I'm crazy for you.

from dusk to dawn
I have lied awake next to you.

listening to your even breathes,
wondering what you were dreaming of.

I long to fall asleep next to you,
but seeing the man, who changed my life so much and so quickly,
in such a peaceful state of mind
is far greater
than dreaming of lying next to you.

the warmth of your skin touching mine
is far more enticing
than lying all alone
in my cold, dark room.


an epiphany has arose in my mind;
the sun is rising,
my lover is fast asleep,
and I'm laying in bed
indulging it all in.

life is a miraculous and beautiful,
thing.
and this moment right now
just proves to me that
everyone is apart of someone before we are even created;
and my oh my
I hope I've found the missing piece
to my puzzle of a life.

Humanity
cannot grip the thought
of loosing everything
and everyone.
but oh my darlings,
one day our corpses will be underneath the ground;
and our souls will be dancing with Angels;
the loved ones we lost so long ago.
do not fear death,
for death brings you home.
and home is where we all belong.

as I sat and watched the sun set over the trees,
I couldn't help but notice
the last beams of light.
they danced patterns along my skin,
creating a warm touch that seemed to
caress
the cells underneath.

I felt strong and able to move forward,
but then I saw you
and you saw me.
then you kissed her.
and I felt my whole makeshift world
come tumbling back down.
I felt my legs weaken beneath me
and my heart crack and spill open.
my blood boiling in my ears,
the noise is so loud
I become deaf.
my hands become numb.
you kissed her.
YOU.
the one person I had given my everything to,
I had never thought I could become
so
vulnerable.
I am weak because
you broke me,
again.
It's back to the end,
I am frail because
I let you invade into my cerebrum
where you had once imprinted your soul.
I feel ashamed for
letting your eyes
trigger my sorrows.
I am nothing
because I had let you
hurt me;
I had let you
win my tears,
once
again.

drowning in my own sorrows,
tender heart shattering at memories.
skin breaking open,
because isn't that what he wanted?
tear drenched face,
no hope for tomorrow.
I'm doing this for him,
he told me to do this.
he told me to end myself.
I'm following my orders.
because it's a sin
to
disrespect
your father.

why is it that every time I feel my strongest,
you somehow evolve slowly back into my membrane.
memories.
they overflow my cerebrum.
and then
my tears run red
and drip down my fingertips.
I hate how you do this to me.
weak, vulnerable, guilty.
I am numb when I think of your voice.
I quiver with fear of tomorrow,
how am I supposed to move forward
if my mind continues to dwell on the past?

our hearts created
a symphony of
good vibes.
then all at once,
the music began to fade
and our hearts grew apart
and I was yet again
left alone on the
dark, empty
stage
where we had once fell for eachothers tune

These nights where
sleep seems so far away
and you seem so near to me.
I can almost feel your hands
holding me through my sea of bed sheets
Or maybe that's just realization kicking in,
Whether that is true or not
I'm tired of these Insomniatic nights
where all I do is think of you
and how much I miss those comforting hands of yours.
**** you
for leaving me.
**** you
for not trying to save me.
For I am so far gone now
nobody can rescue me from these deep dark waters .

theres so much screaming inside my
head.
making me stay awake all night;
insomniac.
your voice taunts me in the shadows.
having me remember the
terrible things i had done
the things i have experienced
should not have been seen by these young
eyes and this young body.
even though i am away from you,
i still remember you.
the happy you that was with me.
the me that was okay.
the me that wasn't dead inside.

and now I know you were never a man,
you always will be something much less than that.
with the devils heart in your chest; a black hole.
Your tongue is a roaring fire. Reminding me that you are in control.
With snakes for arms,
Gripping my throat;
Unable to breathe,
Unable to speak.
You are a parasite.
One that seems to always come back,
No matter how many times
I say 'No.'

why do I find so much comfort in the darkness?
why is it so hard for me to not be so in love with feeling empty and alone?
people say I need to change, to fix myself, to love myself.
they don't realize how hard it is do so
when I have only felt happiness in myself
as the white powder is stuffed up into my brain?
why is the speed so enticing that I never want to be without it,
because without it I feel as if
I have once again fallen deeper into
the darkness than I ever was before.

It's 1:08  am
and i'm still sitting up in bed
thinking about you
and how our hands fit perfectly together.
Now look at me, my darling.
For you have ruined me.
My hands are dry and cracked now
for they have been so lonely lately
and they miss the warmth of your palm
pressed against mine so tight
i thought for sure you could feel my pulse
beating like a drum.

it's 4:48 am
and you're gone
and I'm alone
and i ******* miss you.

I am lost at sea,
drowning in my own tears.


I look to my left and stare
at the pieces of our boat
we had built together with our intertwined hands.
our intertwined hearts.
I look to my right,
I see you being rescued.
You were always smarter.

I am being destroyed by the heavy, dark waves.
my screams are being silenced,
my body is loosing strength.
You were always stronger.

These waves are killing me,
while they are saving you.
I inhale one last breathe and
finally,
let the waves swallow me whole.

and now,
I am saved.

it is a new year,
it brings new beginnings.
yet why do I continue to feel
this heavy, dark weight
of the loss of you.
my heart continue to beat,
yet I am not alive.
I am dead to the world,
unable to soar with my wings spread wide.
all because of YOU.
you took my happiness
and crushed it into pieces.
i hate you
but I love you,
and that's what scares me the most.

this terrible nightmare of a life ,    
you call it,
is unbearable to face anymore.
But darling,
You're only looking at the world, not indulging it with your mind.
Once you open your mind and block the way everything seems out,
you will find that there is a whole world of opportunities to discover,
and happiness
is one of them.

All I could hear were her silent tears,
Her silent mourning.
She was quiet,
But so loud.
She said she was fine,
But she wasn't.
Why she always lied,
I can never understand.
She wanted to be helped,
But she never asked.
She wanted to be okay,
But she didn't say.
She is me.
And I don't know if I want to be.

Has my existence meant nothing to you?
did you lie to me when you spoke of the electricity that sparked as our lips first touched under the stars?
because now all I see is you,
with her.
so quickly, the "love" you had disappeared?
I hope you're reminded of my erupting breathe tickling your skin,
my tongue that performed a dance with yours,
and my soul that gave it all to you.
remember that, remember me,
when you decide to caress someone else's soul.

i can't believe I lost you,
in a selfish-foolish way.
I thought I needed the pills,
I thought I needed the line,
but what I truly needed
was your eyes.
they looked at me with such tenderness,
a love so deep it's never ending.
I needed your arms,
that held my fingers to stop prying open my skin.
I wish I knew myself better at the time I had you.
because
I ended it all because I thought I
already had
it all.
**** me to hell for my ****** choices.
I hope one day you'll show that sparkle in your eye to another...
even as I type these words I can't get myself to truly want that.
I lost the one thing I needed to keep me alive.
and so now, my readers,
this is goodbye.

If i saw you i would immediately run away
because you are my worst nightmare,
but if you called my name as i was running
i'd surely turn around and hear what you'd
have to say.
you're my worst nightmare,
yet i just can't get enough of you.
my drug,
my intoxicating need,
why do i crave something so wrong for me?

my throat is dry,
my eyes are wet.
my heart is broken,
and my arms are ******.
my hands are shaking, in tune with my voice.
I cannot understand why I was the one who was chosen to be tortured in this life.
abuse, addiction, and abandonment
have all touched me somehow on my short time here on earth.
I wish to fly away and never look back,
this place is not home.
I never can feel comfortable, or calm.
I am constantly worried or in pain
and I am SICK of this current ******* LIFE I was so unmercifully given.
so **** the people who have hurt me,
I will show them how much stronger I am than they shall ever be.
I will finish this life , one way or another.
I will prove to people that even through the pain and darkness, there can and WILL be light!!!

I'm no longer the cause of that erupting breathe of lust after our bodies collided in rhythm.
in fact, I am nothing of yours.
I chose to not feel my face when I could have just reached out and caressed yours.
I can't even feel your cheek against mine anymore.
I feel the distance our souls have created between us.
that I created between us.
I feel the ache in my stomach as memories of you engulf my cerebrum.
I have a lump in my throat as I whisper your name out into the darkness from the comfort of my bed.
I call out to you from miles away only wishing you'll receive goosebumps along your skin from what you called my electric touch.
I hate how we are separate but together, I see you but cannot touch you.
you are a rare antique in a museum I am forbidden to hold anymore.

I hate how much I miss your eyes,
the emotion spoken in them before our lips connected.
your eyes could speak to me, I could see the story before your mouth opened.
I remember how lost I could become while drowning in the deep brown of your iris.
but I just can't stop thinking about one thing...
how much I ******* hate you for making me cursed.
everywhere I look
I SEE YOU
everything I touch
I FEEL YOU
every pair of eyes that dare to look in mine
I THINK OF YOU AND  YOUR **** EYES
how much I loved the warmth they held,
the love I thought I saw deep inside.
all I want is to forget your eyes,
and to forget you,
to forget
us.

Having a mind that travels through memories and makes poems out of them is not always a good thing. Sometimes when your mind is traveling, it gets stuck onto a memory that really haunts your soul. You want to forget, but yet you want to remember it all over again that memory keeps replaying in your Cerebrum and it slowly destroys you, bit by bit. And before you can even realize it, the memory has completely enveloped you.

how haunting it is to be in your presence,
your hands so near to mine.
the hands that used to stroke my hair
and brush tears off my cheek.
the mouth that would speak the words
to help me fall asleep.
the eyes that saw the scars and blood
along my fragile arms.
how haunting it is to see you and to know
that you know
that the blood continues to pour
and the scars
are forevermore.

The night transforms,
Turning nature
Into a playground for nocturnal animals.
Playing hide and seek with the wind and the leaves,
I can only wish that I will someday feel that free.
I wish to run alongside a stream,
With no cares in the world about money or taxes
Or judgment or death.
I want to live,
Yet why at night do I sit alone in a house full of sin
Wishing my heart would stop
And I can forever run with the wind.
I want to live, and being trapped in this place with
Toxins and Depression
I will never be able to live to my fullest ability.

We humans are no better or worse than the next we see. So why are we so quick to judge another person for the way they think, act, or dress? We are all imperfect creatures, who all desire to be perfect, and have different perspectives of perfection. Don't rush to try to be perfect because darling, you will never get there. Perfection does not exist.

I am surrounded by people,
Yet I feel so alone.
I hear laughter
and I am so jealous of this.
For I long ago dismissed laughter
from escaping my mouth,
I've forgotten
how to be alive.
And I'm afraid that eventually
My heart will catch up to my dead thoughts
And stop beating blood through my veins.
Why do I fear death so much,
and still invite it to take my soul?

I miss you being a part of my life,
but then again,
you never really were.
Just a person that i was supposed to love and call
'Dad'
now I'm sitting here wishing i knew
how to love someone
the way a father loves a daughter,
but i'll never know how
and it kills me.

I've never been so interested in a somebody.
I've seen love,
but have never felt love.
I'm not quite sure i know how,
none of the less know how to show it.
I'm a lost cause,
just another messed up individual
in this very large world.
I will soon become nothing,
and mean nothing
to this very ground i walk upon today.
So why waste my life
trying to learn how to love
when in order to do that,
you must first love yourself.
And that,
is the hardest thing of them all to do.

words are who I am.
words are what made me.
2 words, to be exact.
'I do' .
my parents would not have existed if it weren't for words.
'I love you'.
words build people up,
but they also can crush your entire meaning of existence.
words are the meaning of life,
without words
I would have no meaning.

why does this life resent me so much?
why does it think it is fair to
leave me alone
and crumbling away for what feels like an eternity?
because I need love too,
I thought I could have
found it
at one point,
but as my life goes:
nothing good can stay too good for long.
I had given someone my world,
while they were busy thinking of someone else's universe.
this life has cursed me
and I'm ready to give up.
because the tides are rolling in
and my soul is ready to fly.

They say i write too dark of stories;
to write more happy things.
But once you've seen the things i have
you will understand why.
why the
tears drench my face,
why the
cuts stain my arms
why there is
hurt in my eyes.
once i tell you all the reasons
then you too will hear
the demons screaming lies.

when you find the person
that makes your whole world seem
a little less dark,
and that person
kisses the tears off your cheek.
Don't ever let that person go.
Because I promise,
it will destroy you if you do.