It’s 1 in the morning
I stepped outside
I’m sure the air is nice
But I can’t breathe
Stars twinkle above
I can’t even find the beauty in that
All I see is my own unimportance
If I died right now
Nothing would change
I am meaningless
Because as I huddle outside
Alone and sobbing
I realize I have been here many times before
I don’t think I can ever get better
Life wasn’t supposed to end up this way
But look where I am

The world is a cruel and unforgiving god
I exist to turn back to ashes and dust

They say the universe is in my veins
If so, the universe drips down my wrists

The stars from my eyes have long vanished
If ever they were such a thing

Small and insignificant as I navigate life
Afraid of all I say and do

All of this makes it plain to see
That this world has no purpose for me

You listen as blood-stained lies tumble from my lips
Skin splits and rips apart as I keep a tally of every time I've broken my promise to you
My weary eyes watch my life from afar and all I can see is impending disaster
Too many times I've wanted to disappear from my own life
SO I do not understand why you haven't left me yet
I drift in and out of my own consciousness when thoughts of losing you consume me
Heart beats grow faster and breaths grow shallower
I falter often in this world
But you are the only mistake that I haven't made

Reflective glass can torment souls
Deception is a lonely road
I walk this path without free will
And watch my face as tears spill
3 am, the house is sleeping
Yet here I am; awake and weeping
I count the hours till I’m not alone
But my future is still unknown
I no longer want to be trapped
But an escape is unmapped

Everyone has secrets
Nobody can truly be an open book
But you turned through my pages
And started to read
Then handed me your story
Unfinished like mine
So let’s write them together
I trust you to be there till the ending
Promise we’ll make it there

the sun will always fall away
beneath the horizon.
it will give way to the night, which upon entering, you will hear the melancholy song of the isolating darkness.
listen.

the dim light of the moon shines softly down upon the rolling grass.
yet the sky knows the earth is not enough and so she painted herself with stars.
portraits so obvious you might miss them.
promise me you won’t miss them.

when you stay awake at night wondering if the next morning will come remember.
the next morning will always come.
and even the nights offer beauty and wonder.
you just have to be awake to see them.
stay awake for me.

I am fragile
A piece of glass under pressure
But do not mistake my pain for beauty
There is nothing beautiful about this
Flowers are beautiful
Sunsets are beautiful
Crying yourself to sleep is not
Cutting just to feel alive is not beautiful
Not wanting to feel alive is not beautiful
Throwing up pills because you changed your mind is not beautiful either
I am withering away
Losing to the demons in my mind
In a world devoid of sunshine
Or flowers
And don’t you dare romanticize this
I don’t want this promoted
I want this defeated
And I will never recover when I am told
The only beautiful thing about me
Is the disease that is killing me

if i'm not falling i'm flying
if i'm not changing i'm dying

why can i only exist at extremes
instead of living in between?

I wish I knew how to take ink to paper
Before I took blade to skin
But sometimes I just feel nothing
So that's what write

Once
You asked what you meant to me
I said you were color
You bring beauty into my dark world
Showing me that everything has a purpose
A point
And a meaning
Then I asked
What I meant to you
You said I was color, too

Forgive me
Then forget me
I wanted be your idol
Your muse
Your anything
But I am cardinal sin
I choke out anything that once was pure
Corrupting those who are left in my wake
I thought you could be different
Your heavenly ecstasy infiltrated my senses
Oh, how I worship you
But oh, how you leave me
You would think by now I would have learned
My prayers will never be answered
For sinners like me do not deserve a heaven on earth

My body is crying
and
my soul feels like dying

I’m so tired
Tired of trying
Tired of falling
Tired of never getting back up again

Everyone I see
Is only a better version of me
Prettier
Softer
Marketable

So I spend another night restless
Tearful and alone
Only to wake up once again
To realize how much I hate myself again

Some days I just can’t help but think
If I’m so easily replacable
Why the hell would anyone ever miss me?

oh, how you make my heart soar!
i never knew such a love could exist
much less that i should be do lucky to possess it
promise me that we can be permanent
for you already make me feel eternal

You could never stop drowning me
With your eternal lies
But oh! Your eternal eyes!
Pierced my shallow heart.
You told me that you loved me,
the most permanent of all scars.

I was young the first time I heard
“a fate worse than death”
I thought what could be worse than being gone?
Now I am older and I see
It’s living an invisible life

chaos strikes by night
inevitably i'll fall apart
but tip-toe the subject
and pretend that i'm fine

if i want help i should ask for it
but i still wonder
do people not notice my pain?
or do they simply not care?

The first time I wanted to **** myself was 6th grade
Wandering the school corridors
I thought to myself
“What’s even the point?”
I was scared of my mind ever since
Thoughts of suicide consume me now
Like vultures
I am their prey
But though I am meek
I am not helpless
I am fighting a battle
A war I am ready to die for
Even though I don’t know what I’m dying for
Except
Despite the fact that I do not know what lies ahead
I know it must be something
So I must keep fighting
Until I find my future

I set myself on fire
But I couldn’t take the heat
Yet there’s no water around me
So here I am
Burning
I can’t call for help
For the fire’s convinced me that this is normal
And this is what I deserve
People used to burn witches
So I must be wicked
Because fire can burn other people
And how dare I hurt anyone
Besides myself

The summer breeze has me thinking of you,
In the crystal dark of night.
The fireflies are imitating the stars
In their celestial and temporary dance,
Their own galaxy of the moment held dear.
And I realize that I need you closer to me,
So I can hold you. Until I have to let go.

The mighty oak bows to the gentlest of breezes
The pale birch loses his leaves

Streams that are running refuse to be frozen
But icy death takes his toll

Summer is losing her grip on the earth
The whole world holds its breath

Frosty mornings and frigid nights
Replace the autumn sun

But this loss will last forever not
And the cycle begins again

The rain will go and the sun will stay
As warm beams birth a new day

if you haven’t already.

If tears were currency
Then baby, I’d be a millionare
And I’d have spent my fortune on you

Hush now- dry your eyes.
Wipe those tears, baby girl
For what's done is done.

Let my lullaby lead you away
From all that is evil and all that is over
Fill your head with my voice- instead of yours

Because your voice is so cruel!
Clanging and clashing inside of your mind;
I can hear the cacophony from here.

Believe me when I tell you that all is well.
The universe has stars set aside just for you;
If only you promise to reach out and touch them.

Don’t take up space
Don’t be too loud
Don’t let them know how scared you are
Don’t let them know how fake you are
You didn’t earn this
You don’t deserve this
Keep yourself away from them
Like the monster you are
You’re getting the hang of this
Staying hidden
Keeping your emotions hidden
You’ve learnt how to numb everything
So they don’t get a glimpse of the real you
The you that you keep locked away
Until you are finally alone
The you that claws at you like a beast
Because you are a beast
Why else would you live in this prison?

I could never live in a world without you
Many times I have been forced to imagine this
You tell me that you can no longer go on and my stomach fills with acid
I’ll carry the world for you
But at the same time I tell you this
I think about my own quiet exit
I know it would not be quiet though
And I know I am a hypocrite
But if you stay for me
I promise to stay for you

a thousand dreams dance through my mind tonight
a million words on the tip of my tongue
hundreds of tears shed that all of this
will always stay mine
i build walls
hoping they will come crashing down
but they never
do

i dont want to write another poem about you
i dont want to be thinking about you
i dont want you inside my head
but how could the best thing that's ever happened to me
hurt so bad?

I don't want to live in a future where
I
Am alone with only
Myself
My thoughts
And my Fears
But that is the only future I see
Either that or one where time is cut
Short
The tick-tick-ticking clock is stopped for me
But that would be too painful
Yet still too easy
I just wish I could give this fight up
I want to cry out "Enough!" but
My voice is gone
There is no audience anyway
I am stuck between past mistakes and future anxieties
That will become past mistakes to fuel future anxieties
I can never live in the moment
Because to do so
I would have to actually live

Gentle moonlight caressed you and me
The night beckoned us with her enchanting dance
So we went willingly into the darkness

Things were fine with you by my side
Yet as we wandered we saw we were lost
And we blindly stumbled through

Eventually I slipped. I fell. I cried out your name.
But all I heard was you tip-toe away.

I lose all sense of time and space;
suspended weightless i drift
towards you.
Always,
towards you,
never ceasing to desire your gentle hands,
one last time.
I hear your heart,
beckoning from somewhere I do not know;
but i do know that once I find you,
I will be
home.

I said I wanted to be left alone
Which makes me a liar
You knew that though
You know that loneliness follows me wherever I go
But you didn’t protest
Which I guess proves my point

I promised you I wouldn’t hurt myself again
Which makes me a liar
You must have known that though
I’m not to be trusted with anything sharp
But nothing cuts worse than the words from your mouth
Stinging me hours, days, and months later

I told you was doing okay
Which makes me a liar
But why wouldn’t I lie
When it’s easier for both of us this way
You get to live your fantasy where everything is fine
And I don’t have to be more of a burden
Because I even weigh myself down

I pretended I didn’t need you
Which makes a liar
But after all this time
How could I reach out to you
After I’ve lied all my life
Subtle manipulation to make you think I’m not broken
But I am broken
I think this is all on me
Yet sometimes I wonder how you can’t see the cracks in my facade

I am a liar, but you must be too

i forgot what happy felt like
until you came and reminded me

Oh, how I could just disappear every time you hold me!
I want to melt into you and your world and stare into those beautiful eyes forever-
however long that may be-
and not a moment less.

People tell me life moves on
But everything is in
s
  l
    o
       w
m
  o
    t
      i
        o
          n
Time barely moves
I'm stuck standing still

People tell me I'm overreacting
But everything feels
s
  o
h
  e
    a
      v
        y
I barely move
I'm stuck carrying it all

People tell me to choose my mood
But everying is so
o
  u
      t
o
  f
c
  o
    n
       t
         r
           o
             l
Everyone stays still
And I'm stuck
I'll never move on

Their voices were sweet
Calming
Steady
I went to them
In a trance like state
Willing to do whatever they asked
And when I became lonely
Through no one’s fault but my own
They were there to comfort me
When nobody else was
Singing me lullabies
Then they demanded payment
Sacrifice in blood
After all they did for me
I realized too late it was manipulation
By my very own mind
I’ve lived with them for so long
I feel guilt when I am not hopeless
I don’t deserve to be happy
Though I couldn’t tell you why
Though I couldn’t tell myself why
How can I trust anyone to tell me the truth about me
If I can’t even believe my own thoughts
My thoughts are suffocating
Bitter
Excruciating
Unstable
I must face my demons alone
After all
What choice do I have

I am many things
Tired
Numb
Sad
Lonely
But most importantly
I am me
And that's all I ever have to be

i want to be the rain
the rain that falls for miles
and lands on your gentle face
for just a split second

i want to be the sky
the sky that is always there
forming a soft, blue blanket
to keep you safe

i want to be the moon
the moon that watches over the night
and soaks up all of your lonely thoughts
with my subtle light

i want to be the sun
the sun that reminds you that each tomorrow
may not be a guarantee
but at least i am

The ocean is the most powerful force on earth
It is calm yet furious
Fierce yet gentle
It can separate nations
But provides a path between them
But behind this power
The ocean is lonely
Isolated
Abandoned
It is rare for people to love an ocean
Because an ocean is dangerous
Capable of the worst kind of destruction
It lures you in
Waves call to you
The ocean seems authentic
But underneath its facade lies another truth
A current boiling
Stirring
Crying
Pushing people away as soon as they are pulled in
It knows of its power
It know of its danger
Yet still cannot grasp
Its beauty

I was raised believing in fairy tales
Those magic-filled nights
Where love was in the air
Beautiful gowns, and even more beautiful women wearing them

But my glass slipper has already been shattered
And the once sweet chorus of birds
Became the fears that flutter my mind

My dreams may have turned from flowers to thorns
And true love may never find me
Yet still I wish for happily ever after
Or maybe just happy.
Sometimes.

You
With tongue of fire
And heart of ice
Expect me to cherish you
With the passion of an ocean
But water can be so full of fury
A current bubbles up inside of me
No longer will I bow to your will
You
Who dare to discredit me
Striking at my insecurities
Knocking me down again and again
Still expecting me to get up and crawl back to you
I will not put up with
You
For much longer

i find poetry in what is simple
and pain in what is not