Today I went to a party
I was looking forward to seeing you there
But you weren’t there
I wish you knew how much I miss you
How much I want to be with you
How much I love you
But I don’t think I can put into words
What you mean to me
No matter how hard I try

If Fate were ever to be kind,
If Hope could ever stay alive.
If You would please stay in my life,
Maybe I’d find my peace of mind.

i came to you because i trusted you
but all you told me was
by putting my pain on display
i was making this performance art
you stared at blood that had flown from my wrist
and smiled
any critic of taste would give this 5 stars

To be a young girl
drawn in by Death
Her innocence still radiant
And flowers bloom where she walks
Yet she yearns for something
More careful
Than the chaos of spring
Enchanted by cold and called by Winter
She trades her blossoms for
Quiet
Unaware that her flowers now bring only tears

Shrink me
Cut me into bite sized pieces
Anything to make me palatable
Make me who I am not
And then we can both move on

you love it, don’t you?
to be powerful and adored
to have people fighting for even a sliver of your attention
oh how i long to be free from your orbit
but being around you feels less like love
and more like a relapse

Sometimes I feel
An inescapable loneliness
Only to be taken off my mind
By the seductive nature
Of pain

life is safe under your arms
the poison can no longer reach me
and fill me up with utter nonsense
now i bubble to the surface
with light
and love

The first day of summer was two days ago
The air was hot and the pool water was cool
Yet as I heard my friends scream gleefully
I was locked in the bathroom
Crying and alone
I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that I slice it open
My ***** secret
My guilty pleasure
And it was supposed to remain a secret
Each scar a tally mark for times loneliness chokes me
Each line drawn methodically
My forearms are a canvas for self destruction
I broke down again last night
Voices in my head screaming
Urges I cannot control
Until I see red dripping out of my skin
My pain manifests itself in these moments
I cannot take it for much longer

some people you can’t say no to
they beg to see the parts of you
the parts that you had hidden away
and you give in
show them you are not who they thought
and then they are gone
because
all the people you can’t say no to
know how say goodbye so much faster

i ask what i am doing wrong
you tell me you need space

i give you what you ask for
and you disappear forever

The stars are out tonight
I gaze at them from my yard
My hair spread out on the grass
My mind races
Focused on how far away these glittering lights are
An entire universe is out there
But it was not made for me
I am small
But can a light still burn inside me?
Especially if I feel so dark?
I like to think we are all stars
And astronomers at the same time
Searching for our place in the galaxy
Will you be a star with me?
With you I no longer feel dimmed
Can you let me illuminate your world?
I’ve been pulled in by your gravity
There’s no way to leave your orbit now
Even if I wanted to

Here I find myself lost again
Reaching for something that I’ll never grasp
Watch you- and everyone- drift away
I can’t say I blame you
I wish I could drift away from myself too
I want to leave this body
Leave this mind
Leave this world
Nobody sees though
I locked myself too deep and these chains are my own doing
I am the reason for all my pain
You were always a false hope
I should have known from the beginning
It’s just a shame I have to wake up now
Dreaming was much more bearable

I am trying
To see the bright side
But that's hard
Because although I am happy now
I am terrified
That I never will be again

I’m standing on a cliff
Peering over the edge
About to go over
If I fall
What will happen to me?
Can it somehow hurt more than this?
Uncertainty stops me every time
I fear I may regret
An action whose consequences I cannot see
I stay in a cycle
I can’t break out of it
I can’t stop it
I can’t leave it
I can't
I fantasize two conclusions to this story
One I end up happy
And one I just end everything
I don’t know my future yet
But whatever it holds
Will get better
Even if I must take matters into my own hands

I can feel my heart turn to rot inside me
I used to be so full of love
So full of life

But now I spend my days alone
And it is nobody's fault
Except for my own

I can't believe I fell for you so hard
God, why am I so stupid?
I knew that you and I could never be

It would be easier to make a quiet exit from the world
And I wonder
Do you even care?

i love you with all of my heart and soul
it kills to watch you drift away from me
only to come back for a moment
just to leave me alone once again

why did you get to be okay?
why did i have to be the one to fall apart?
why doesn't my heart listen when i try to cut it out?

i want to scream at you
i want you to notice that i'm dying without you
i want you to love me again

i want you again

He is the calm that rests before me.
And I, perpetually the storm.
Yet it is always me brought to her knees to please this God of thunder.
For with every gentle lighting strike,
He reminds me of his power.
And what kind of sinner would I be to deny this simple prayer?

It eats me alive to think
i was given this life
and nothing will be made of it

i waste away hating myself
and wait for the day when people say
“What a shame. Think of what could have been...”

The truth is
this world is not made for us all
and some people are destined to be nothing more than background noise

Today was going to be a good day
I promised myself this when I woke up
I thought maybe fake optimism and forced smiles will be enough this time
And I tried to hold my head high
But things fall apart
I felt the walls closing in on me
I searched for a window but there were none Water must have filled my lungs
Because I couldn’t breathe
And another promise was broken
A promise I made myself so
At least it wasn’t anyone that matters
People say there’s always tomorrow
But that’s hard to believe because
I don’t even see past tonight
Today was so long it felt like an eternity
Maybe it was an eternity
But an eternity spent alone is not one I want
Maybe that’s why my demons are so hard to fight off
Sometimes they pretend to care
Even though they don’t care
People don’t care
I don’t care
Actually I do care
A lot
It hurts that people don’t notice me
But it’s my fault for becoming invisible
Today was going to be a good day
Look how that turned out

Good luck staying afloat
I understand it’s hard
But I believe that you are worth it
So here, take my hand
It's okay if you make me cry
It just means I'm worried about you
I’m glad I get to worry about you
I know that everything hurts
But it will all wind up fine
We can get through this together

I’m sorry for all I do to you
Cut
Scratch
Burn
I rip you apart the way I do in my mind
I am insecure about you
I hate you
All I see in the mirror
Is the ways you fail me
The ways I am flawed
They say your body is a temple
But you must be ruins
And I am the earthquake that made you this way

I lie awake
When I think of you,
Because the sun cannot compare
To the light you bring to me.
And the ocean cannot surround me
As deeply as your love.
Not even the heavens can sing praises
Worthy of your name.
For you to have chosen me!
It takes my breath away every.
Single.
Time.

I desperately need today to end
But I fear what tomorrow has in store
I wish more than anything
Everything would stop
Maybe then I could clear my mind
Figure my time-bomb life out
I’m running out of options
Out of space
Out of time
Suspended in terror for what my life may become
Already weighed down by the past
Trapped in this life that I never asked for
Wondering
What’s the use
If all I’ll ever amount to
Is petrified

Your lips were so sweet
Because they spilled honey-drenched lies so easily
You told me you loved me
But you told everyone else, too

why do i have to fall for you
when you decide to leave me
i know that im a lot to handle
but all i wanted was a chance
you captured my heart
please just stay

"don't you feel it?" i ask
doe eyed
young and lost
"don't you feel the world closing in on you?"
you smiled at me
your hand brushed my face
"so let it close in," you say
"just don't let it close you out"

I opened my treasure-chest heart to you
And you robbed me of myself
Then sailed away on the black tar sea

I searched and searched
For you appeared like magic
And disappeared just as fast

But eyes see not what the soul desires
And flesh and blood cannot withstand the longing alone
I shudder to think what will become of me

How could you turn me into a storm
Then leave before you could see the destruction?

I look into your kaleidoscope eyes  
And am taken aback by your beauty
I wait with bated breath
For something
Anything
To spark between us
Having already fallen for your bait
Now all that's left
Is to hope you fall for mine

And I just want you to tell me,
did I waste more time loving you?
Or missing you?

stop lights change color
no matter who is watching
or if nobody is watching
so don’t you think for a second
that i need you
to tell me when to i’ve changed

Here I am again
On the verge of tears
Quiet
I tell myself
That way nobody will hear
I pace the floor
My family is sleeping
But my mind is awake
Abuzz with insecurities  
I tear myself apart
Somehow I find myself
Reaching for a blade
I haven’t done that in 4 days
I know it sounds crazy
But it was the longest I’d gone since March
I reset the clock
So now I wait
To be so broken again
All I can think of is destroying myself more

i have 10 fingers
to pick flowers with
to pet dogs with
to grasp other fingers with

i have 10 toes
to curl into the sand with
to feel the soft grass with
to carry me home with

i have 2 eyes
to see the world with
to watch birds fly with
to sometimes cry with

i have 2 ears
to listen to music with
to hear my friends laugh with
to spy through doors with

i have 1 stomach
to laugh with
to fill desserts with
to one day grow life with

i have 1 heart
to spread air with
to exercise with
to love with

Give me the ocean
Make me feel endless
Make my love deep
Leave me breathless
Entirely submerged in your ecstasy

In return I’ll give you the sky
Make you gaze in awe
Make your love infinite
Leave you falling
Entirely love with me

My body is a temple
Destroyed
Crumbling
Broken
Worshiping inner demons and external pleasures
The pursuit of glory through the forbidden fruit
A blood sacrifice is demanded
By a god at the altar
But there is nothing holy about this
The only heaven I will ever find
Is in beaded red lines
I confess my sins to thee
But there are no answers to my prayers
There is no one to answer to
Higher powers have forgotten me
I have forsaken me
And there is no grace in pain
No forgiveness in punishment
And no God to blame for my sins
As I kneel adorned with my own crown of thorns
Constructed from my own deceptions and faults
I wonder why the only person willing to die for my sins
Is me

Each morning leaves me gasping for air,
still choking on the blood from last night.
One day, I fear, people will know who I am.

They’ll gaze into my shattered looking glass and recoil!
Scared of what they see.

A broken image of a broken girl-
all that’s left of my broken soul-
then they’ll turn around and leave.

For what’s to love of a devil like me?
I’ll try to care, but I am not tender.
I try to reach your heart, but once in my grasp, I’ll tear it out.

For your sake, I suggest you leave.
Please
let me choke alone.

I remember being a little girl
Spending late nights on the couch with my mom
Dozing off to Dancing With the Stars

I remember being a little girl
Playing dress up with my brother and sister
Without a care in the world

I remember being a little girl
Thinking I could be whoever I wanted
Knowing I could have whatever I dreamed

I remember growing up
Realizing the world isn't all sugar and spice
Certainly not everything nice

I remember growing up
Age 12 is the first time someone called me a woman
From their car racing past me

I remember growing up
And now instead of being a little girl
I just feel like one

People’s eyes tell stories
I didn’t know that until I met you
One glance and I knew
You and I were exactly alike
Sometimes
People say they feel empty
And their eyes betray them
I think
They think their eyes are empty too
But they are full
Of pain
Longing
Sadness
I saw all three in you
I could spend hours just searching your eyes
I am only content when I am by your side
So please
Let me read your story