love arrived
love crashed
love burned
love died
love i held still
deep inside of my chest
love that i had to learn
to let unexist
love i hold loosely now
within my hands
love that i loved
love that i buried
love that became only memories

she said she was dead and took a bullet to her head
no one believed her because she had been crying wolf for far too long
the years that droned on and on, and she kept playing the same old song
eventually all care and warmth left
and she was left to fend for all of these monsters by herself instead
they never realized how much worse it had became
it's been five years she said, and i'm through trying to play this game

she said, i'm killing myself tonight
he said, okay

the worse it gets each time
the less i care
the less love that i feel
if there was any to exist
the worse it gets each time
i need a painless way
i need to escape

some of us wait forever for 'better'
it has been promised to us so many times like a sweet, sweet lie
just hold on longer,
a little bit longer
(you can't get better if you don't want to)
do you know how badly i want to?
but i can't sit here and wait forever for 'better'
i don't have forever
i'm racing the clock for the day when i will no longer be afraid
when i give up on 'better'

then i will truly be better

i am really sad
i feel disconnected from everything
i feel disconnected from everyone
i feel no inspiration to go on
i feel no delight in these things i once loved
i feel like an empty shell
i feel homeless
i feel i have no place safe to rest my head
i feel so far away from reality
i feel dead in my bed

i feel really sad

******* hell
i loved you like heaven
i was the devil
and i adored you as god

you look so lonely when you hunch your shoulders
and twist your fingers so tightly together
sitting in the corner, with your knees pressed to your chest
face covered, i can only hear mumbles
you look so lonely because this is how you always remain
so closed off and far away
if only you could allow me to see your face
maybe you could see there is a better way
than living inside of this solitude which is painting you pitch black
so much more color, you don't even have to ask
just rest your shoulders, release your fingers
stretch out your legs, lift your head from your lap
the world is brighter than you think, and i've been here all along sitting by your side
trying to make you see

i sat outside for a long time
and contemplated suicide
i smoked cigarette after cigarette
growing frustrated as i reached the end of my pack
i took drink after drink, unaware of the heaviness my head was causing me
i was already hazy, so i didn't notice the tears that were blinding me
i thought of how many people would attend my funeral
i pondered if i should even leave a note
i wondered desperately how many people loved me
i grew more anxious when i realized there was none
i passed out outside, under the moon and star light
i knew that by now i was so drunk that i could end it without a second thought
yet in the morning, i awoke still alive
i often wonder why i want to die
i wonder why i haven't done it by now
i wonder -
what a life,
always thinking of suicide

i love everyone who is bad for me
and i know it, but i don't pull away
i suppose i'm a ******* for this never ending cycle of self-destruction
i cannot fathom kindness

i wish that people understood my writing like i try to understand their hearts.

train tracks
train
jump
dead
house
right in front
yours
dying
right where the one
i love
is living
sleeping
rest
i can haunt you
where i put
my spirit
to rest

i don't want to leave
but you're giving me no choice

someday, i will read back on all of this. all of the conversations, the words, the hate and spitefulness, the desperate and longing love, the hurt and forgiveness, and then,
all of this now too, entirely existent emptiness, because,
you are no longer here
and i, we, are now shell encased, bitter, loving memories

she said you are fire and she lets you burn her
she said you are a sun that keeps her warm yet a moon during the night which keeps her cold
she said you are a tragedy in her eyes yet you are your own beautiful masterpiece in the right times
she said you love her
she said she wants to believe you

because i've been throwing up flowers for you
and you've only destroyed them with weeds
and so i know if i change the color of the leaves
that you will make them brittle and dead,
i wish you didn't have
a spot in my head

it gives me this calm, your arms
it gives me this quiet peace
which i know that i cannot forever keep
i try to treasure it
in the moments that i can
i try to stitch your face so badly into my head
because soon i know, i will never see it again

if she was gone
would you go looking for her?
if she disappeared
would you search the thin air?
if you never saw her body again
would you still remember how it felt
within your hands
until you are dead?

what do you do
when the person you love
chooses alcohol
over you?

you
me
and a gun
let's have some fun?
see who
bites the bullet
first?

all i am seeing is you
in everything that i do
and all of me
is lost in you
when i see you
i see you
and when i see you
i love you
and when i am alone
i am a ghost
my fingers fit
nowhere else
i know i need to
bury this hatchet
which you have hurt me with
over
and
over again
but my hands are lead
and can find no dirt
and my biggest fear
is you forgetting
that i exist
how this chest
no longer is a home
to a heart
it's lost
in you
when i see you

'how are the thoughts? the bad thoughts?'
oh, they're better, they're better...
with a feigned smile and cover down sleeves
i am so much better
i'm sorry, but i have to lie through my teeth...

i saw your face
through stained glass window
making it appear
more beautiful than it actually is
i saw your cold dead, ghost hand
frozen to the bone
bleach white, veins popping blue
an electric map i could trace
but i don't want you anymore
i drowned your face, dark ink
as toxic as you made me

when you begin to replace
all of the words
with their past tense
maybe then
it is when you realize
that you are truly
sad
and alone
stuck in a muddy rut
drowning in the past
of things that were
and you wish could have been
maybe then
you can accept
but for now, right now
i am living in
past tense

absentmindedly
smoking cigarettes
drawing the smoke
so deeply into my lungs
i don't want to think
i cannot think
i

i kicked rocks by my feet to make it all go away
i thought of your face and how happy and sad it makes me to see
i continued walking alone in the dark, recreating our best moments inside of my head
i really wish you didn't have to leave, i could be everything for you if you let me
but you are stone cold and said 'good night, good bye'
i watched you walk away and my heart died

I try not to listen to first day of my life
especially when I don't want to cry
all of my memories come flooding
of that first snowy december night
the night I saw you standing in the garage
as you opened the door and I stepped out of my car
I had drove that whole hour
feeling more excited than anxious
and it was like a picture perfect moment
with the snow falling, and us standing there feet apart
seeing each other for the very first time in our lives that had yet begun
you told me, my life started when I met you
yet today, does that still remain true?
I was going through a rough time
and in that moment, everything seemed promising to be okay
just because of you existing
I truly am glad that I didn't die before I met you
and you loved me
when it was impossible for me to love myself
though these days I am getting better at it
maybe because you tried to teach me self-love
and I will forever love you for that

i don't feel like writing anymore, i'm so tired of transforming sadness into words

i get so choked up still
on all of these things
which no longer matter
maybe it's because
i wish that they still mattered
and didn't have to be tainted
with these aching
screeching
screaming
blood curdling
wanting
needing
fleeting
desires

wanted you to see
your detrimental effects
wanted you to experience
the ways in which you were hurting me
wanted you to say, 'i'm sorry'
and mean it
wanted you to see
everything
that destroyed me

it's the words that are not said
that truly hurt the most
the words you want, you need
to hear
yet won't fall from poison lips
give me silence
and i already know the rest

just using losing you because i (don't) want to

the patterns i traced along your back
the warmth i found within your hair
the security i felt within your hands
the laughter i stole from your smiles
the dreams i searched inside of your eyes
and all of the words i clutched closely to my chest

i simply love you -
what more can suffice?

said i'm a stranger
a ****** up stranger
you no longer know how to love
nor want to anymore
when i used to be your world
but i created catastrophe after catastrophe
which gave you an excuse
to act like i was no longer human
no longer, your human

sometimes
i don't know
how i really feel
so i go along with
how i believe
i should feel
and i don't think
that it really helps
but how would i know?
i'm swimming dead in my brain cells

if neither of us believe
in all of the things which create "love"
then how can we ever
love the other?

hello
there you go
right through me
again
i am a ghost
you pretend
you nod and say
okay
today was a good day
let's go to bed
and play more pretend

hello
oh, you're dead?
since when?
your hands
they are always cold
i didn't notice
you're my corpse
i love to control

hello
i said sleep
you said rest
i didn't know
what you meant
until i spoke
later that week
as your body
was lowered
deep into the ground
with the worms
and ***** earth

hello
i can't say good bye
because i never
even met you

there's a blank white canvas
because today i decided there needed to be
there's empty space
where i choose
which colors i want
and which ones i don't want
and i am the only one
who controls all of the brush strokes
i can paint you in,
or i can paint you out
i need to create
somewhere nice for myself
take me somewhere nice
where i have decided to be
take me to this place
where i chose my own happy ending

remember when we ran home in the pouring rain together but we didn't care?
because we were happy
we arrived home sopping wet but laughing
and took our clothes off to dry and anything that could be bad in that moment didn't exist
it was the fact we had nothing but we had each other
and we were happy
we were happy

i'm doing you a favor
don't be sad, don't even pretend
you and i both know that you are not
you're in love with the idea
of not feeling lonely
you may hold me but you don't feel me
and you may kiss me but you don't taste me
and you may say
all of these nice things
when the clouds become too grey
but you and i both know
that you don't like storms
and i can't always be sunshine
try as i might
and believe me, i tried
i tried to be
a picture painted golden
perfectly, and so elegantly
but there's dirt underneath my fingernails
which you ignore
you think that you can clean me
you want to make me so pure

so don't be sad, don't even pretend
you knew as well as i did
that this was a charade
and it had to end
i confronted the dark curtains
hanging low over us
you looked right past
i was the courageous one
i was the one that stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve
i was the one that knew we were both just lonely

here, i hope you don't mind
all of the blood dripping at your feet
i clawed my heart out for you
just so you could see
that you own it and it is yours
and everything that is me

and just like that
i knew that i was never going to see you again

i am sinking low
suffocating drowning
fast declining
poor health
in the head
and there is not much
that i can do about it
i wish
that this was a physical aliment
so that i could fix
myself, so much more easily
but i cannot see
the disease
but i feel it
******* hell do i feel it
within every last
single
membrane
of my war weary brain
it is so tired of fighting
as am i
as am i

i carry and keep
so many quiet words
within the deepest confines
of my unrelenting soul
and at times they may find
their way up to my heart
as i begin to feel
forced to speak
they may even make it as far
as reaching my lips
as you're holding my hands
and tears glisten
there is so much i want to say
the quiet words are my strongest words
yet i cannot seem to find
a solace within anyone
who can push them up
to my mouth
i'm a beggar on the street
begging for my heart to speak

You gave a lot of meaning to me. I can’t ever forget that.

you said, jump
i asked how high?
however much will help you
to fall asleep at night
and by that i meant
i want you to plummet to your death
you're not jumping into the sky
you're falling in love face first
with concrete

you were always so great
at telling me to go die
i asked you how high
because i needed to know
how far must i go
for you to get the **** out of my life

you don't love me
you're just lonely

she told me,
that nothing feels real
i asked her,
what she meant
she replied,
because it doesn't feel like
you are actually lying
by my side

you don't want me?
you don't have to have me
and i can leave
as quickly as i arrived
you're so sure you own me
and i am at your beck and call
with no life of my own -
don't fool yourself
you are not my world
and if you can't see me
nor appreciate me
and pull me around
as your little trophy prize -
i'm great at disappearing
just watch me
i don't even need to say good bye

i like how we try to depict pain into something beautiful as if we can try to convince ourselves that it isn’t as aching as it seems, when really it is all just so unbearable and a dark mess, i don’t much find anything beautiful about lying on the couch at 2am wanting to sleep but being unable to because you can’t quit crying and you try writing with trembling fingers about this pain so hopefully it makes more sense, but it just makes you realize how much more agonizing it really is, i am not sure if it actually helps to mend anything by beautifying it.