they loved me
when i
tried to
(**** myself)
they loved me
when i
was calling
(from the hospital)
they loved me
when i
finally was
(released and back home)
they loved me
when i
i lied
(that i was better)

i needed you
as a lover
for all of the things
that people who are in love
do
but even more
and more importantly
i needed you
as my best friend
when things became too low
and you always seemed to know
how to mend
all of these gaping holes

i'm blank
and i cannot find
a more perfect word
to describe
emptiness feels like
a feeling
a suffocating hold over the heart
you are still feeling, but
i am blank
my own words even
are fleeting

i think you traumatized me black and blue
black and blue
black and blue
all of the bruises
they are free from my skin
but not from my head
you traumatized me
black and blue
black and blue

it makes me too sad
i can't hold your hand
yesterday you wouldn't look at me
and today i feel you disappearing
i remember when you were nice
hold me tight, 'i love you, good night'
don't go, just don't go
you always wanted me close
tonight i sit on the couch by your side
we're watching a stupid movie but you aren't listening
and all i want to do is shrink and fade
into this dark room
you won't notice, you won't see
you're not listening
you're not hearing me
you'll say soon, 'let's go to bed'
and you'll want to have ***
and you'll hold me close for a brief moment
before drifting off
and i'll lay here awake
with the tv playing on in the background
thinking of all the wrong things
i've done this week
when i was trying, to not get in your way
(i don't want you to hate me)
do you want to go away?
i always told you that i was a ghost
and now around you, i truly feel like one
i'm so cold and so alone
you're right here
but you don't want me near
can we restart?
i'll be perfect, just as i was
before the bad things came out
and i am screaming at them to die
when all i want to do is die
and i need you
but you can't see
you're not listening
you're not hearing me

lights flickering
inside of your eyes
your pupils dark
no color within your irises
so much deep emptiness -
and no sight of me
but that's how it always was, right?
you never actually saw me
you can't see any light
when i always tried
to give you mine

i was so worried about me being the one
hurting you
yet now the roles are reversed
and i'm the one crying on the floor
asking you, to not go
and you're so cold and confusing with the way you said "i love you" so soon
and how it scared me, yet gave me this sense of security
i asked you to stop saying it
you complied, as if it was so easy, as if you changed your mind
that loving me was something you couldn't actually do
and how i'm always the one saying, i'm sorry
and i'm the one watching your back in the fear of you leaving
how did everything become so messy?
i thought for once, i was going to be doing the heartbreaking
but it isn't so
you're the one with hands around my throat
watching me choke
and then you'll go
and i will be the one, again and again, with a heart broke

you are one catastrophe away
from entering my dark place
i told you, to go back
there's no light for you inside of here
i wish you would stay
but that would be too selfish of me to ask
because you want sunshine and flowers
and inside of my dark place there exists not even smiles
you held onto my hand, right before the mouth of the entrance
said, i'm not going, i'm staying
if you won't let go, then i will
you won't like what you see
this golden picture i've painted of myself had to be consumed by the black eventually
so go back, go back
this is my dark place
it only ever has room for me within its suffocating walls
and i don't want you to fall
i never wanted you to fall

and when i look at you
i see a creature i want to love
(that is all i want
but sadly
i am never enough alone)

you can hate me for all that i am worth
(which is nothing at all)
i can't believe how you sat there and just watched me choke
(all over your spiteful words)
and then when it was all over you would take my hand
(i'm sorry, i love you, i promise it won't happen again)
and a week later here i was, begging you to see the damaging effects of your blows
(but you made me so mad, quit making me so mad and i won't do this again)
how many countless nights did i fall asleep with a bruise on my cheek
(it's a new morning, i love you, i love you, i'm sorry for last night)
why did i find myself still loving you? love should not hurt, but
(i love hurting you, more than i actually love you)
and here we went, here we go, i'm at the mercy of your first, just please don't go

but i ******* want to go

I don't like feeling "better"
I don't know what to do
Or who to feel who I am
Or feel about anything
Or anyone
I think I
Miss my sadness

i'm going to wrap myself within loneliness
and allow it to consume me
corrupt my lungs, my slowing down breathing
numb my brain, to the point of dysfunction
let me become so far, i can no longer see this place
let me be, isolated and consumed, within this everlong solitude
let me be
let me be

And I keep going back and forth inside my head
Of all the things you said and did
And I wonder if this is what I want again?
Am I just setting myself up for more hurt?
When all I ever wanted from you was tenderness and honesty
But you can't ignore who someone really is
I am blindsided and uncourageous
I want a you who is not you who could never be you the you I made up
The you I loved and love  
Now I understand that you were only ever a ghost
I can't touch I can't reach I can't hold

the other day
i had to tell you
how lately
i haven't been feeling too great
i just had to say
because i felt
that you were the only one
who would listen
you asked me the typical,
'are you okay?'
i realized i could not answer that
i didn't hear from you again after that
i stood here and felt
all sorts of this strange
emptiness
the full realization that
not even you
you
cared anymore -
was this my sign to accept
that we are no longer
so much emotionally connected?
was this my sign to see -
i have only me
and all of the help that i need
is sitting right at my feet
i just need the strength
to pick it up
and hold it
all on my own
i cannot carry you anymore
as my backbone

we started talking less and less
everything became very dead
i held your laugh inside of my head
and your face inside of my chest
i tried to remember how it felt
to feel alive, our tiny moments
where everything was simple and all right
i wanted to call you tonight
i wanted to say i can no longer live my life
i wanted to say, i always held you so dear
even though we haven't spoken in years
through the final tears, i just wanted you to know
that i
loved you from there
to here, all of the spaces in between
forever more

And don't you dare think that you can manipulate my thoughts
Because I have spent a great portion of my life perfecting my mind
I know what is inside and despite my head being a dark mess I know it and control it and your manipulative attempts will have no use on me
I know how to breathe and how to not and I know how to keep my brain from killing itself on the days when I am falling apart
These are my thoughts and mine alone and it is endlessly laughable that you think they are your own
Not even close

the good nights
used to be tinged
with kisses
and a soft caress
against my back
sending shivers
down throughout my spine
but now you say good night
with silence and
unmoving touches
i'm not too sure
how i became so dull
and unlovable
and cast away
to the colder side
of this bed
it's 5am,
i'm wide awake
this ache kept me awake
as you slept
your arms were in the wrong place
they were supposed to be here, here
holding me and keeping
the slumber less thoughts away

the realization
that i only exist
whenever you're bored
and want someone in your bed
use me however you need
turn aside, fall asleep
wake up in the morning
as i lay on the other side of the bed
curled up into a ball,
pathetic and alone
and do it all over again
this circle
of pleasure and
shut down affections
i can't ever make you see
that i am more than just a body
i don't even think
that i am
it isn't sad
it's

i want more
so much more
of what you cannot offer
nor want to
i want to stay
you make me feel
this calm secure
the tiny pauses
between your breaths
makes me lay here and wonder
if you woke up
and i was dead in bed
would it make any difference?
you can throw my body
into a closet
and go into the kitchen
and make a cup of coffee
for one, not two
i always made you give more
than you wanted to

i learned to be humble
when all of my privileges
were taken away
i learned to listen
when the girl down the street
ended her life one night
i practiced humility
when my past became so dark
and i learned not everyone is to be judged
i learned to forgive
no matter how badly you wronged me
i realized
you were the sad one, the unforgiving
you put me at fault
and i was
but i learned so much
and what you are
and what i am
and from the bad became good
i just want to be good

i said tonight
that i'm going to be dead
you said,
go ahead
i asked,
don't you care?
the stifling silence
on the other end of the line
was enough of an answer
of you and my life

i said tonight
good night
i love you
i'm going to be dead
the line clicked dead
and let go of the rope i did
swinging, my feet
i wish you were here
to grab them
and pull me back
i thought this as i

no more oxygen

*go ahead

And the truth of it all
Is that I don't want to be dead
I just want to go to bed
And wake up and hope that life isn't so bad
But I swear with each passing day and nothing is ever the same
That maybe actually being dead would be a much better case
I know I am being selfish and it is up to me
To find some light
But it's so dark and won't you help me find it tonight before I truly decide that this life is not mine?

You have this pain
It's written all over your face
In invisible ink
So that no one can see
But why then can I see it?
Why me?
I need to tell you something
I can see your face
I'll sit here and talk all night
Until the lines begin to fade
And they quit hiding your smile
There it is
I am sorry, stranger eyes
I must go
I cannot erase all of it
I hope I gave you a start in the very least
Please believe there are others like me that can read your invisible ink

don't pay too much close attention
to the rhymes and the flow
write from your heart
let it spill out
relentlessly
that is the most pure
of our words
raw emotion
who needs writing devices?

there's nothing here
i choked on thirty pills
of brain killing chemicals
couldn't think, couldn't think
couldn't walk, couldn't talk
couldn't sleep, couldn't sleep
laid me to rest in my bed
there was blood all over the pen
my mouth became glued shut
couldn't cry for help if i wanted
but help wasn't here
when i was here
why should it be here now?
because i'm finally fading?
is this why there are so many funerals
for the ones life taking?
did life finally make sense
as i was lowered into the ground?
don't love me now -
i may have been born
just to die
there's nothing here now
choked on thirty pills ...
fifty pills ...
brain dead
i just wanted rest

don't love me in my afterlife
when you couldn't love my present life

i turned off my phone
with no intention
of ever turning it back on
i laid in my bed, wrapped cold alone
pretended that i was dead
maybe i can trick my head
into believing this fantasy
and come sun up, sun down, my eyes closed still
into the next day and the next
night after night
how long will it take
for someone to realize
i've been dead inside of my coffin
for days and days?

Are you with me so you don't have to be alone?
Do you hold me only to feel close to someone?
Do I mean anything besides a temporary bedsheet?
How long until you decide that it's time for a new one?
How long will I be a pillow before I'm no longer comfortable?
How long until I'm alcohol you no longer enjoy?
Or how long until you taste a better cigarette?
How long until I become that song you grow sick of after playing one hundred times?
How long until you say goodbye and forget the color of my eyes?

you were real and lifelike
but you were never actually here
and when i touched you,
i was just touching air
no wonder it always felt so cold
skin deep into my bones
i met you inside of my head
you never actually left
i lied to myself and kept you by my side
the unloving nights when i went to bed with a knife
but your hand never strayed from mine
simply said,
'stay'
yet you could never stay
because you were never here
lived inside of my mind
i wanted you lifelike, touchable, so badly that i
i now know i was merely pretending
you never existed
i wanted you to love that tenderly
you couldn't

maybe i'm not depressed
maybe i created
a nonexistent mess
maybe i'm okay
but i still can't seem
to explain
this aching
in my brain

Did you know that I got really drunk one night and threw up on the concrete after stumbling and falling and scraping my knees
and all I could see was blood and ***** splattered before me
and I laid down and thought of you because that's all that I could do
and you were so far away fast asleep in your bed or kissing her laugh
and I wondered if you felt it at all that I was dead then

'I don't want to go to your funeral'
I still can hear perfectly
Your voice
As it cracked
It sounded as if you had choked
When I'm anywhere alone
And the world wants me gone
I'd disappear into the ground's nothing
Your words pull me back up
I love you so,
I cannot bear to hurt you
To make you cry
You don't know anymore
About this or these hopeless nights
Where your choked voice replays in my head
Over and over as a broken record
I love you endlessly
You have become my strength to go on
I carry you always

And the realest version of me is the one when I am with you,
because there is no need for spiked fences to keep the inside of my mind contained,
there is no need for defense,
you make me defenseless

This is
A
Tangible
Misery
So
Hold onto
Me
I much don't like breathing
But you
Always you, you have
Made oxygen
So much more worth taking
Until both my lungs
Are filled
With your smoke
So, see
You cannot go
I would forget
How to breathe
For good

i'm staring at walls
enclosed, four square
haze in my head, silence
uncertain on what
to think about
heavy brain
light head brain
all at once
i don't want to be dead
but i feel dead
i want your face
filling the empty wall space
but i don't want it
you're better off
just living in my head
as where you
should be
and i be
empty chest, silence
four square, white walls
i don't feel here

why do we keep writing for people who couldn't give one thought that we are spilling words for them?
dipping our fingers into ink which aches and can only write so much until the mind breaks
a silhouette of someone now who was once as tangible as the pen grasped so tightly,
yet the only thing we are now hugging are our knees to our chest to soothe this new empty space
and the words keep flowing and flowing like a bad paper cut, so small yet so fragile to the touch
blood ebbing and bubbling and spilling over, only to heal and reopen and begin again
we all have that one person, who we are so tired of writing about, and vow to stop, but how else would we cope?

i'm going out on a limb here
and throwing away and pushing away everything and everyone i hold dear
because maybe, if i start new, i can also let go of this gnawing pain
i am me, but i don't want to be
and if i have no traces left to my past -
maybe i can find some light at long last?

because i'm supposed to be good?
i'm not allowed to have any fun?
i'm supposed to remain within these lines?
never stepping even a toe out?
how then can i truly live?
because see, i'm already dead
i need to find a semblance of what it feels to be alive
i am not a bad person
i am just a sad person

writing with a bent and broken pen
with dying, faded ink
yet somehow is still reaching the paper
sometimes i don't know what to say
i just know i need to say something
however eloquent or ******
however my words want to shape me

we can drink coffee
and stay awake all night
laugh through the smoke
of cigarettes
and make believe
that we are all right
we'll watch the sun rise
as it paints a lilac sky
we can crawl into bed
and kiss good night
i'll hold your hand
as sleep takes over
i'll be here and evermore
when you turn over
my skin as your blanket, but
you don't want this
my apologies, my acceptance

only in your absence
do i realize
how lonely i am
yet i cannot ask
for it back
because that would only cause
another fire to burn
and i am still
coughing up the smoke
from my lungs
after the last one

i thought a lot how you said,
"go die
and i won't go
to your funeral"
and how it doesn't even matter
but i always had this vision
of you standing over my casket
sobbing uncontrollably
gross, heavy, unable to breathe sobbing
as you hold my cold, dead body
wishing for me to be alive once more
wishing to see my eyes you always called coffee-colored, open
now i know
that that will only ever
remain a vision
never a reality
you said,
"go die"
and i know that you meant it

Yes, I know
She's prettier than me
Yes, I know
She's cuter than me
Yes, I know
She's stunning
Flawless intelligence
Yes, I know
You no longer love me

you only loved me during the summer because you were happy
because of the sunlight
but when autumn arrived
you decided it was time to walk away
i had become love faded

you have to fight
and make friends
with your mind
if you want to survive
and truly enjoy
every second
of a life
that you want to create
don't desecrate
your head
own it,
your friend

i am starting to realize
that the more i write about you
the less and less i feel for you
drying you out, over and over
with each word and letter
and maybe this is my sense
of finding closure
because you would never give me any
and i feel my fingers
are done spilling over for you
perhaps not as frequently, but never again
and you can stop haunting me and making me feel bad
i think at last, you've become a stranger to me
and i could not be more happy at the thought
of you no longer plaguing my writing
(i learned to let you go
on my own)

it is seven thirty-eight
after another redundant day
of not existing in anyone's eyes
and wandering the streets
with only my shadow walking beside me
and i am no good at existing
because i keep getting weighed down by this feeling
that everything which surrounds me
is just boring and lonely
i don't feel as if i am really living
i'm just passing these days without much hope
and with each i am seeing the end of this rope
i wish i wasn't a stranger
to everyone who i meet
all of these fleeting connections which none i can seem to keep
i don't understand how people have
people that love them, each and every day
through every good second and every bad minute
it's lonely when you reach home
tired, and encompassing yourself in cold blankets, alone
not any words to relieve to anyone
so i lay in this silence and try to breathe
because this loneliness is suffocating me and i am feeling all of my bones ache and creak
another day tomorrow - just to repeat?
why cannot i find anyone who will love me?

i remember a pretty boy
with run down smiles and scars on his back
always keeping at bay
something he wouldn't let me reach
i remember a pretty boy
who gave me the most tender of embraces
who didn't believe much in his own self-worth at times
yet believed entirely in mine
i remember a boy
who i held so closely and tightly
within my fingertips
when he was just as broken yet did not want to show it
i remember a boy
of very many secrets
who kept them all
when he took a road separate from mine
i remember a pretty boy
and his shattering love which he so badly tried
i remember
how can i forget?
and i just hope
you are smiling now
more than you ever did
when my presence was around

i don't know
how i feel about you
anymore
i just know
that when i am drunk
i am on the phone
telling you
i love you,
still

because it was your skin and the scent upon it
and the warmth i felt as i embraced your back
and the way my head seemed to fit
perfectly underneath your chin and upon your chest
and feeling you tightly grasp
the back of my head
as you hungered for more than a kiss
the way i think "security" must feel
but you brought me home that night a couple hours later
i'm not getting attached, i promised to myself i know just what this is
i don't think i can play around like this
because i am too emotional and you are too emotionless
and we don't fit
it was just our bodies, the way they moved and pressed
i just can't help but wish i wish it could be more than that

i've always been the girl who was sneaking out late from home
i've always been the girl smoking cigarettes behind dumpsters to not be caught
i've always been the girl who felt all too lonely and went off with strange men
i've always been the girl who enjoyed meaningless *** for the night yet hurt herself in the morning for it
i've always been the girl seeking some sort of concrete love
i've always been the girl that was told, "love yourself, or no one else will"
i've always been the girl attracted to danger because life was too draining and boring
i've always been the girl seeking approval from others who don't matter
i've always been the girl beating herself up for these things, because she knows they are true
i've always been the girl looking into the mirror and seeing a monster staring right back at her
i'm the girl standing on the railroad tracks wishing for it to end
i'm the girl that is starting to see, she no longer has to be these things