I keep writing "she" in my poems instead of "I" because I'm afraid of letting people know what's really going on inside my head, of knowing that I am the one who's been in so much pain for so long and not this "she" character everyone thinks I created. I don't tell anyone because then they will look deeper, and the deeper they'll look, the darker the images they'll see. Their curiosity will get them looking and wondering the thing I'm hiding behind the fake laughs. My insanity will be an interest of theirs and not me. I will simply be an interesting story to gossip about.

I honestly can't tell you when was the last time I laughed or even smiled (not even my favorite TV shows or favorite comedians can make me laugh). I only know about the long crying myself to sleep nights. The desperate continuous prayers. Laughing became forbidden, a sin that my mind is refusing to let me commit.

I've been running through this tunnel for so long looking for that light everyone keeps talking about. But the faster I run, the further I go, the longer the tunnel seems to get. I don't see a way out of here.

Sleeping used to be my temporary way out but even that, the sadness managed to take over it. It has taken over everything, became everything that I am. I've lost interest in everything and everyone. It's like I'm living in a nightmare and I know there is no better reality to wake up to. Do you know how that feels like? To be hopeless all the time even when you are not awake? To just exist and not live? To be in pain, to feel like you're slowly dying but there's nothing physically wrong with you? To feel like you are in this world alone because no one can see that you are suffering, no one hearing your cries for help, not your friends, not even your family? Do you know how hopeless feels like? I do. And it's killing every lasting bit of me. (And I don't know how much longer I can hold on)

.

He was a recovering alcoholic
She was a double shot of *****

He desired  her like an ex-smoker desires to smoke one last cigar before his lungs shut down completely, before he breathes his last breath
Like any smoker who would like to have the privilege to smell "Gurkha Black Dragon"

Their love was made of music notes no one got to hear
Music played only in their ears

Like moon and sun
Like day and night
They shouldn't collide
They can't meet

Mother nature would lose her balance each time they kissed
The universe did not approve of their love

A love story that should have never been lived, should never be written nor spoken about


.

Her mind constantly plotted against her
Made her believe things that eventually resulted in self destruct
She never understood why… and how could she?
How is one supposed to understand the feeling to have your own mind eating you from the inside, trying to ruin and destroy everything you’re trying to build. To have yourself as the archenemy. To have yourself not giving you a chance to live. To have your own mind telling you that you are not worthy nor deserve to walk on this earth
She can’t trust herself, she therefore can’t trust anyone

“Aren’t we supposed to be in the same team?” She asked her mind
You see, depression doesn’t know what he is
Doesn’t know that he is a sickness, a disease
To him, he is just looking for a place to stay, for a home
And the only way for him to find a home is to invade and create civil wars
Depression has no problem going into a war zone with no weapons
Because he is a strong enough of a weapon himself
He has been into many wars, and won countless battles
You see, the odds are usually in his favor
So depression has no problem going into a war

.

His mistake was making her his being
When instead of sharing his heart, he gave her his whole

She played with his heart like a symphony, a beautiful masterpiece with sad melody that broke hearts

She left him with broken strings
She played him till he broke, till he could no longer compose any beat

An incomplete song with no rhythm, just a dead chorus singing with no harmony, playing a silent orchestra in an empty stage

.

.


She didn't need words to understand his heart

His look, that look, the way he looked at her said it all and she felt it all... no words were needed to be uttered, just eyes meeting and falling for each other, souls clicking and fitting perfectly


.

I always thought that when time comes, when I fall in love, everything would be just perfect. Even the imperfections would seem perfect to me. I would even love the things I hate

Okay. You fall in love.. Now what?
What changes? He doesn't love you so what do you do?

I fell in love and all I did was cry
Love came bearing gifts shaped in insomnia and heartbreak
Love came with self hate
Love came with questions of what's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? How much is good enough?

Love was never kind to me
Love made me suffer
Love made me sad
Because I am always the one who loves more, always the one who loves, never the one loved

What do you do when you love someone who doesn't love you back?
What do you do with those feelings?
Where do you put them?
What do you do with the unwanted feelings that you love and want to keep?

Love was never kind to me
Love is painfully beautiful
Love hurts but I don't want it to stop
I am addicted to you but I don't want to be recovered
How could you be both my source of pain and my pain killer?

I'm addicted to you, stay with me... Even if it's just in my dreams. Hold me and... Stay.

You keep doing this to me
It is not fair

You keep pulling me back towards you
just when I've finally found the strength to walk away
Just when I've found a way to be
without you

And just like a fool
I crawl back to you
Every single time

You keep doing this
because you know that I'll always
run back to you
like a lost little kid who has found his way back home
The home in which he never felt like he belonged
But what else can I do?!
You are the only home that I know

We both know you don't want this
Why are you doing this to me?

It feels like you only want me
when it seems like no one wants you
You only remember me, when no one remembers you

You just like knowing that you will never be alone
Don't you?
But what about me?

This is the question that I need to keep asking myself
To protect myself
because who else would other than me

What about me?
What about me?

I asked her what did she like about me
She listed the things I do for her
Said nothing about me and who I am

I then knew I was in trouble
I knew what needed to be done
I think deep down, I've always known

We always do know
but we fool ourselves
Keep hoping that eventually
they will fall for us
Because we do deserve that

The 1% chance that they will
is enough for us to keep fighting
But you should stop
when you're the only one fighting

I am tired of falling for the wrong person
Beginning to doubt there is such thing for me
Beginning to think love isn't for me

The right person never comes
I should stop looking
I have stopped

I'm a new writer
And I already need time away from writing
Because all I want to write about
is you

When I think about writing
When I think about poetry
You are the first and the only thing
that comes into my mind

You are poetry incarnate
You are my muse
and I need you to be not

I need time away from poetry
because I see you in every one
I said I'll stop for a while
but here I am again
including you in my writing
Writing about me not wanting to write about you

It hurts
Every time I write, it hurts
As it keeps reminding me
that I didn't get you
That in this world,
there's not a happy ending story
of you and me

As I lay my eyes on you
I start to stutter
Words don't come out right
My brain can't form sentences

The effect you have on me, oh boy...
I'm *******

I can barely make her laugh
I am rarely the reason behind that glamorous smile

But that is okay
As long as she's laughing and smiling
That is enough

O my sweet baby
My beautiful angel
My blessing from the Almighty God

Have I told you today that
mommy loves you?

Have I told you how long
mommy has been waiting for you
Waiting to learn and memorize your smell
Waiting to see if you have my eyes
or daddy's
Waiting to hold you in my arms
Waiting for the joy you'll bring
to mommy and daddy
just for being
Waiting for your first steps
Waiting for you to speak your first words

Mommy has been waiting
to teach you
how to be good amongst the evil
that is spreading every day

Mommy has been waiting
to show you
that even with all the evil and sadness in the world
life is still precious, beautiful
and worth living

Have I told you
that you were my every prayer?
Have I told you
that you were always mommy's dream?
Have I told you
that all I've ever wanted
was to be your mommy

My sweet beautiful angel
I am still waiting to tell you
how much mommy loves you
Mommy can't wait to meet you

You killed something in me
Something that made people look my way and smile
The very thing that made you like me

You killed it
You killed my innocence
And for that
I will not forgive you
nor myself

Ever since then
I've been trying so hard
every day
to revive it
One, two, three, CLEAR!
... and nothing

It is not an easy thing to restore

I don't even know if it's possible
But I'll keep trying
I'll keep hoping
that one day I can again
be that girl
the girl known and admired
for her innocence
because everybody always liked that person
and so did I

I've been stuck in this hole for too long
This hole of emptiness and sadness

I can't recognize happiness
I don't think I can really feel it anymore

When I think I'm experiencing happiness
I wait...
I wait for whatever it is to come and ruin it
because that thing always comes
always

It hurts to live like this
It hurts that I'm used to it

These night thoughts are becoming my day thoughts too
I'm tired
I just wanna sleep
I wanna be free

They tell you to stay away from the voices
The ones that are putting you down,
drowning you,
and slowly killing every bit of you
But what do you do when these voices are inside your head?
What do you do when the voices' home is you?
Where do you run to?

*My mind,
let me be at peace, please
I beg of you set me free

I am not okay
I don't know what's wrong
but something's not right
And I am not okay

Having low self-esteem *****
It has shaped me in ways that I can't even look at myself in the mirror

I do not want anyone to feel what I feel about myself
It is a terrible, terrible feeling
when you can't accept yourself
when you doubt everything
when you can't trust yourself
when you can't love yourself
when you give in to the voices that little you and,
and start to believe every word of it

I do not wish this upon anyone
but for some reason
when I find someone who is going through this...
it helps

I know I can talk to them
I think because they are the only ones who truly understand
Who will not make fun of me
Who will stand by me because they know,
they know what it's like to wish you could rip this skin of yours and be a different skin
because you just hate yourself so much

I am still getting used to this skin

You deserve to be happy
You deserve that smile on your face
That smile that we don't get to see often
You deserve to get what you want,
what you desire

Don't apologize for what's in your heart
Don't apologize for what you want
Don't apologize for who you are

Have fun
Smile
Laugh
Love
Live
Fly

Oh dear self
You deserve it all
So take it
Without feeling sorry
Without feeling guilty
Just take it all
and be
*happy

No one cared until I started holding a pencil
until I started writing
let's call them poems

Did writing make people actually care about me?
Or did it just make them curious enough to ask about me?

Do they like my writing?
Or do they like how I can describe things in ways they can't?

Has this pencil brought me closer to people?
Has it made them finally see me?

Questions start to occur
every time I hold this pencil of mine

questions question question
so many questions
and not enough answers

If you ask me to speak my feelings
I will not be able to utter a word
I will not be able to form a comprehensive sentence
However
Give me a pencil
and I will express... gladly
Whether through writing or drawing

I suppose I owe a lot to my pencil
You might see it as a wood that leaves mark on papers
but to me
It's a whole world,
a world that I'm eager to explore

Thank you pencil
Thank you for being there for me
when my tongue isn't
Thank you for speaking up for me
Thank you for being my voice

Robots Robots Robots
All I see is robots

Where are the humans?
They are long gone my friend

Everyone is controlled by "them"
Everyone is programmed the same
Everywhere I turn I see different people doing the exact same things

"We are all the same", he said
"Why do you say it proudly?", I asked
"We like it", he answered
"You are programmed that way,
programmed to think you like it." I replied

They are manipulating you, don't you see?
You are all bunch of robots and puppets

Be who you want to be
Live the life you want to live

Do you want to live the life they chose for you?
or
Do you want to live the life you chose for yourself?

Do you want to be a puppet?
or
Do you want to be free?

All you gotta do is
choose

To everyone here
Mulan might be just another fictional Disney character
Just a fraction of someone's imagination
To you
She might just be an eighty minute entertainment on your screens
Just a childhood memory
that is slowly
and gradually
fading

But to me
To me she's more than that

You see
Growing up, I didn't have anyone that could teach me things
And I don't mean in sense of school subjects
I didn't have anyone that gave me confident about myself
So I took lessons from everyone and everything

Mulan taught me that I can be a girl and not have pink as my favorite color
Mulan taught me that I can be a girl but not wear and love makeup, dresses and high heels
Mulan taught me that it is okay to love and be good at things that were originally meant for boys
Mulan taught me how I can be comfortable in my skin
Mulan taught me that it is okay to not be a typical girl
and still have my happily ever after fairytale

Mulan taught me that it is okay,
that it is enough to just be
*me

I used to know what I stand for
I used to know what I believe in
I used to know what my values were

That was all before I knew you
before I loved you
Now
I don't even know who I am

I lost myself
temporarily... I hope

I'm slowly fading away
Who am I?
Can I find myself and still be with you?
No is the answer
No is my answer
Not now at least

I need space
I need to be by myself figuring out who this self is
I need to let you go
I need to let this love go

Loving you has cost me something
Something that I cannot live without
Something that I need to restore
away from you

Loving you cost me
my identity

You can tell exactly what I'm feeling simply by looking into my eyes
My eyes never lie

You want to know the truth?
Look into my eyes
You want to know what I'm feeling?
Look into my eyes

My eyes have exposed me too many times
more than I want
more than I can count

My eyes tell it all
My eyes don't care about the things I want to keep hidden
Don't care about the things I want to keep to myself
They will tell you who I am even if you are a stranger passing by

My eyes are all for truth
and nothing but the truth.

I can feel what I want to write
I can feel the words running through my veins
I can feel them
So I hold my pencil to write but my page is still empty
I try to speak them but still nothing comes out

I can feel them
I want to put them in writing like I used to
but now
for some reason, it's getting harder and harder

My mind and hand are not on the same page anymore
I don't know why
I don't know what happened
But something did happen
They used to be in harmony, my mind and hand
But I guess my messed up mind is affecting my everything now

I want to put my feelings in writing but my hand is refusing
I can feel them
but not enough to put them in writing I guess
Not enough to convince my hand to write

I have never felt this way about anyone before
With you
it is just easy
With you
it comes naturally

I try so hard not to have these feelings because at the end it only hurts me
It only poisons my heart
The more I have these feelings, the more stained my heart gets
I do not like the power you have over me

No.
No, it is not love
It is not love that I have for you
It is hate
I hate you.