today i couldn;t hold it in any longer
i said my piece
it didn't go well
Now I'm facing the
Chill i knew would arrive
like ice on fire
Frozen Lump in throat
Peering over the abyss
Shattering All illusion of
Peace
Or  security
Or civility
Like A dam giving way
But instead of
bursting forth
this water is jagged ice.
For now,
Suspended in descent
we are
in
Deep
Freeze

I am your bird of prey

Caught between 2 posts
And a glistening fence.

Neck broken,
beak to the ground,
Half way trapped inside
your field of green.

I am your bird of prey,

Wings on a wire,
Still soft and light,
with feathers gleaming
where promise of flight,
newly broken, fell to earth.

'Twas passion that lured me to your
nest, where the cloud kissed Sun
with time
turned ashen my listless frame.

A testament to nature's seduction,
there was no escaping
your embrace
As the warmth
slowly left
my still
beating
heart.

outside it's browns and greys
Inside an orange glow permeates,
skimming the surface
a Ravel march serenade.
the scent of burning pumkin.
You're in the garden planting tulips for
Spring.
when it arrives,
will kindness bloom anew
alongside the rows of colour..
or will we witness the beauty out there
Separately?

A hollow takes root in my heart,

I watch helpless
as this cavern empties
its once warm elixir,
now cool as coal
on a bed of dying embers.

suddenly,
trepidation surges
upending my
quiet comfort
while voices whisper in an upswell

"this safety on the razor's edge
is an illusion
and must be returned
to the debt ridden sea!"

slowly the mist settles,
revealing the great divide.

I hold my breath
and  go under

You were Blue-eyed,
wild
A fierce and cautious beauty.
gentle spirit

Did you know how I loved you,
And how, while the rest of the world mourned for Paris,
I cried the saltiest tears
For you
that rainy fall night
when I heard you  
Didn't come home,
One of your pups at your side.

You were not mine
But you haunt me
The same

Were you protecting your pup from
The cougar's watchful prey?
Was it your fate to be struck twice
By the feared and sleek predator

You survived the first time
and made the  news ..
Your owner saving you
With all his heart.

Your wide eyed glance
CapturEd my heart
Like a love laced arrow
The first time we saw each other

I will not lose sight of you yet,
Nor give up hope  
that You will return to your home,
to your pups.
and to the big, gallant
Baretoes
Who fathered them..

I pray for that news,
Bella the beautiful husky.
I will not forget you.
Your blue eyes will mesmerize me
in dreams
till we meet again

My life is a virtual battlefield
complete with hidden traps,
layered atop cowardly assaults

between highly guarded spans of peace,
Inside my house
chairs and walls
are coarsely blown to bits
by verbal bombs,
and stark fists of shrapnel.

Behind that simple smile,
semblance of solid love
so easily shaken,
lies a ripened mine field

I tread on tiptoes
yet it erupts under
calloused feet unprovoked,
blasting glory to grey
as sacred sanctuary
falls to scarred terrain.

Spears lodged inside ribs
I peel myself from the ground,
shake off soot,
wait for dust to settle
before I march forward, again.

yes I lose the battles
But I will win this war.

Today wasted on rage
Tomorrow too distant
Yesterday a blast and matters not.
And you?
Didn't notice me standing by your side
Even when you kicked me around.
Pathetic.
(me more than you).
Shame Is the sister of tolerance
Which is the brother of victim
And the mother of choice less
Right now,  in this precarious moment,
I've discovered how bitter true  
it is...
that we all
pay dearly
for the sins of our father.

Bitterness is the taste of fiery love grown cold
On a lover's breath

Putrid is the smell of a well worn out fantasy
left hanging in your secret closet

Rancid is the look of unrequited love
On once vibrant lovers' lips

Hardened are the veins of a
desperate old fool
Longing for love

Cursed was the day I let you inside
The exquisite warmth
that is my beating heart

I'll never forget the way you looked
As you stood with your back to me
No defenses - no walls
Painting with such care
And so much love
as I peaked through the French doors.
You didn't hear me
as I opened the door
Because you have chosen to exit the world
Slowly
First by losing interest in hearing
And then in forgetting short term nonsense,
Preferring to live in the glorious past..
You were painting for me,
My once most picture perfect Mother.

Now with hat and shorts and torn shirt,
and not giving a care in the world
For how you appear
And I could see, in that moment,
Your immense love for me
And I knew it was there from the very beginning,
And that despite scars of our
mythical mother daughter battles,
it would never be lost
Or ever forgotten
And my heart broke
For the millionth time
Into millions of Pieces
For I understood then
That love between mother and daughter
is greater than
Time and life Itself.

Really only knew you from your posts
On Facebook
That made me smile or
Made me cringe at times
Or made me curious.
A family man
But seemingly alone
Two teenage daughters
Apparently who you'd see rarely.
I didn't pry too much.
Just saw your presence through the stream
Of news feeds. Every other day..
Only A picture or two of you
Otherwise generic public images
With short proverbs
Or offensive religious posts..
I know your father.
But again, I didn't pry
it seems there was little contact between you.
Today, as the dawn broke,
I saw you'd left.
Just an image of you, shades on,
With RIP, JS (same initials as my long gone timeless love)
Too young to leave.
Didn't know you were ill?
No, reading the comments I discover
it was not a sickness,
Just another day, outside
While chopping down a tree.
That came down on you with massive force.
The blow was delivered by nature at least..
And in that there may be some comfort
I hope
For the loved ones you leave behind.
And perhaps an opening for love to return
To you and your dad.
Who I know to be a most sensitive soul.
And Who I'm sure is quietly shedding a river of tears
For a son who left the world so suddenly,
Just 10 hours ago.
On a winter day while chopping down a tree.

Why do you say I'm mysterious.
If you took the time
you'd see this book is as wide open
as the sky and stars above.

As late summer
is pregnant with promise of change,
so I shed illusions
to meet your gaze
once again,
in the purer light of fall.

I see them every day...
The ladies in my community
who have been young mothers.
Those who forsook youth
to embody motherhood
maybe too soon.
If you look closely you can
see written on their faces
that they may have missed out ...somewhere.
 "where did time go..
Was I cheated somehow?"
Learning the hard way.
Didn't get a chance to love themselves first!
------
Now, years later,
I see their yearning to play,
be free and young,
dance and sing,
Feel beautiful and be loved.

I see them every day,
These sisters and mothers,
young at heart,
whose bodies betray their young spirit and
Unfulfilled adolescent desires.

And I would want any young girl
I meet
To know that before she
Takes on the awesome burden
Of bringing new life to the planet
She must birth herself first.
And in so doing taste the freedom,
wisdom and art of
Self Love
And only then become
The Sacred Mother..
Or Not!

Between us lies
an eternity
yet I breathe your air,
an eternity between
but I felt it again!
the thrill, the high when i'd caress your hair..

that same glimmer in your eyes,
that same stare,

a wiser embrace
a wrinkle here and there,
your countenance still other-worldly
and fair.

an eternity between us,
but you broke the spell!
still together..
and no one can tell

It came gently,
Like a leaf
undulating
after a gust of wind
breaks it loose.

An ebb and flow
As step by step
it became crystal clear
this long awaited tryst
Would not take place.

Like a delicate leaf
gracefully spiralling
to its resting place,
I took defeat in stride.
head high,
my pride not arrogance,
but an appropriate
Ladylike shield.

You were perfect..gentle
and a man.
That is, after all, why
though dry to the touch
I hold a flame to you still.

You placed me gently
on the bed
where other casualties
of love and fantasy
turn to dust
through time's
compassionate touch.

Yet hope I harbor
in my hardened veins still..
gentle like a hummingbird's heart beat,
pathetic as a defeated gambler,
that this affair will revive itself.  
That the let down,
final for now,
Is not forever.

Until then I heave a restful sigh
And bid you well, secret love.
farewell!  
farewell fragile, unharnessed dream.

Crunch!

But When I said I needed
an ******* on my side
It was in the city of Angels
Where pit bulls are sported like
handbags
And ******* make you money
'cause they rip to shreds
Whatever stands in your way.
I didn't mean
Here
In  Paradise
Where my dream
Lays dead at my feet.
And there's nothing left to fight for.
Please
Don't fight me here.
Because with your ******* ways
On more than one beautiful day,
All you've done
is fought your way
Right out of
my heart.

You are at a safe distance from me
But if I had it my way
We would breathe the same electric air
And there would be no space
between sultry surface
where skin meets skin.
You are at a safe distance from me
And my imagination alone
acts for me.
But if I had it my way
You would be here now
And I would ravage you
with my passion.
For your beauty,
In a world I've long scrutinized,
Is unprecedented.  
Yes, your beauty is  like a shiny sword
I would gladly surrender to..
Because Your kind of beauty,
Though perfectly displayed in your
Greek God- like countenance,  
Is Real and beyond skin deep.
It may be a good thing
you are at a safe distance from me.
For if you were here,
I would devour you whole.

You were always strong.
The world is only
giving you
The chance
To show it

LA,
You're like a shoe
Which just doesn't fit me.
Not before and not now.
I want to confess
I never loved you and never will.
Let others admire your charms and games
Your deceptions and dark turns.

Your valley runs deep and deviant
your ocean, vast and wild.
Your infinite net may catch the light
That elusively blinds
But I promise I'll never fall for your illusions
Again.
Even when your skies are bright blue
And your warm wind whispers
"don't ever give up on your stupid stupid dreams..."

Now if I could release my family and friends from your
Tight and tormented grip,
We could end up calling it a truce
One day

I transform
Each time
You read me
~
I am alive

A hollow grows in my heart.

helpless, I watch
this cavern empty its once warm
elixir,
cool like coal
on a bed of dying embers.

Trepidation surges,
upending my
quiet comfort
while voices whisper

"this safety on the razor's edge
is an illusion
and must be returned
to the debt ridden sea"

slowly the mist settles,
revealing the great divide.

I hold my breath
and  go under

The city is windy,
today.  
Certainly noisy, everyday,
Compared to my country life.

Tall buildings glimmer,
Streets boisterous with sounds  of people and machines.
Excitement!
Opportunity!
Urgency!

Country life, by comparison,  stiller,
Slo wer,
Ex pan sive.

Both are good
I tell myself.
I am still flexible,
I tell myself.

Then, verily it dawns on me,
with unfamiliar panic and relief,
that my stretching-bending days are over.

I want to ride
like the wind
to where my being has
despite itself,
taken root.
Where the nomad has
inadvertently pitched
A more permanent tent.

30 years after roaming
ill-suited ground
my Restless Soul
was cleverly tricked
to settle
where nature,
in all her glory
and quiet magnificence,
crowds the land.

Amen.

You're there..
I'm here.
And though I'm no longer a kid
I daydream,
sometimes,
Of how nice it would be
to leave my life for a while
And be with you.
-
We would explore each other
In person
Instead of over the phone
Or so often in my head.
I would get to taste your beauty
Instead of imagining it..
get to feel your
touch
Instead of fantasizing
how your
feverish skin would feel
against mine
in the sweet dark night.
Imagine!
The only sound we'd hear
Would be of hearts pounding
against the gentle embrace of a dimly lit sky.
I'd like my thoughts to linger there
Mmmm...
forever in that sweet spot of
heavenly bliss
-
Won't you join me,
private lover,
In this sanctified reverie.
I know I Am
the ultimate "loveress" of your dreams
I would show you,
generously and gracefully,
If only fate would give us a chance.
-

He came to me
as if in a dream.
Manifest out of thin air
by time and life,
And pure desire itself.

I knew him
yet
it was the urge
to discover him
inch by inch
that drove me to
abandon all sense of
propriety.

I surrendered willfully
as he undressed me,
His hand firmly on my breast,
our lips sealed
in a continuous embrace
while hands and body
thirstily searched for skin to hold on to

I was in a daze,
savouring the moment
with a slight nervousness
unbecoming my usual self,
but appropriate for what
was taking place.

A long awaited affair,
fulfilled suddenly,
On short notice.

One night of abandon
In a hotel room
By the ocean
That lasted long after the day broke...

pointless
to ponder anymore.
The time for action is nigh!
move forward regardless of
what's wrong
with the world.
Sickened by petty problems and pitiful personalities.
Just act!
maybe the wheels of time
Will march in our favour.
If we're lucky
Even nature could decide to join our crusade
And we might surface triumphant!
Whatever you do,
Promise to keep walking
while in this,
Our deep illusory self made hell

A sweet taste lingers
Where your soul seared mine

lips like honey,
I still feel the nectar of love
scarring depths aroused many moons
after death closed them
tightly shut.
  
Warm as the summer sun
I can feel the glow of
your exalted love,
like a sheath of rain
penetrating a dying dessert,
bringing me
hungrily back to life.

This is for you,
The invisible
Hiding
Hidden
Tucked away
Even in the blaring light

This is for you
The silent
The silenced
The golden caged voices
Who having seen the light
keep inside
Lest it be too powerful for others to bare

This is for you
The holy,
The kind
The patient
And compassionate
Who seek no accolades or fame

In whose faces we will recognize
Mothers, daughter, sons and fathers
Of time immemorial

As my eye catches the glimmer
of the coming dusk of my life,
I thank you for reminding me how it feels to love,
and be rejected,
One more time.

Your gaze stays with me
as I reflect deeply
on our brief encounter,
nestled between setting sun
and break of dawn.

On the wings of lust
we burned away
the hours of night,
peeling back layers
of entrapped pain,
alive with pleasure

setting one or another free
in a sea of  love.

If you could agree,
Dear One,
to let that love,
as vast as the ocean,
like a wave
land upon my shores
again and again...

I would show you
How deep and far
these waters reach

OH tortured souls,
How well do I know you..
My heart has been shattered,
Exploded into irrepressible bits
From loving you so much.
Once annihilated,
I was able to bear the burden of
This exquisite Existence.
God help me,
I had to became nothing
To be one with all.

Streaming
Endlessly
the days
Between now
And eternity
In search
Of you,
my dear.

No search engine
Optimization
will find you
for me,
'cept the one
Bold enough to
break down fractured seams
Of a disparate  reality

exposing
the trickery  
That is death.

Keep showing me
Your playful games
Keep showing me
Your light

Your time will come
When least expected.
When you've all but thrown in the towel
finish line in sight,
the agony of defeat
at your door

This is why you must persevere;
Because all those times
When you were doing things right
And nothing worked out.
When you put in the hard work,
But no one seemed to care..
That time when you learned what it meant
to put your best face forward,
Or your pure heart,
And have it crushed in unforgiving ground
Under sullied shoes - by careless men
Or just cruel and callous  life herself -
The time when you were dragged through the dirt
for endless miles
And came up broken, hardened and brittle
You were weary, blood stained,
With a bridge-less abyss ahead
And cold ashes of a dim hope left.

You still kept your light.

-
Those times
Were but a sentence
Served in the name of resilience
A training ground for
purity of heart
And true resolve.
A battlefield
where Your warrior spirit
Was put to the test.
In a stadium
Where a silent crowd
cheered you on.

-

Now that you've allowed all to take its course
Yes, when you finally lost everything!
You will find all you had efforted for
will come to you with ease

Your touch will
Manifest abundance
Your thoughts manifest understanding
Your breath manifest Compassion
Your vision manifest light.

The time has come
When it is asked of you to accept
That all you touch
will turn to gold

It is the golden rule
That is yours alone...
The ray that honours you.

Now is the time
To learn to
Rejoice
And receive your glorious victory,
Hard earned and
gallantly sought,
with
Graceful Ease.

Immersed in your energies,
I am trapped
inside the cemented
memory
of your hard embrace.

Pinned,
I struggle to set
free the fiery passion
from my molten core.

Not unlike a meteor
races toward Earth
knowing it will perish,
I am defiant.

I penetrate the barrier

Now I am meteor dust
that will transform into snow
that will one day
melt in your mouth.

Lest you are playing tricks on me
Let me warn you

I can make time stand still
and the moon dissappear

I can change the course of winds
and orchestrate waves to rise,
flooding plains and barren lands

lest you are playing games

I will open a portal
where we spin out of time,
hurl through space
and land on Mars.

But the one thing
I can't do
Is figure out if
you are playing games,
or is is that you just don't care
for me ?

And today
Let us remember
That of all the illusions
Death is the deepest

This is the time of year
When lights and colors and dreams
Are rolled into one big ball
And if we're lucky
we get to exchange
Bits of ourselves
Under a tree,
Around a hearth
Or Maybe a table set with care..
So choose wisely
When you give
And let it be of you
And not scraps
From outside
Designed for the masses.
Rather get homemade pastries
And chocolate fudge from
Your kitchen
Than a box of emptiness wrapped in a bow
Please don't go out of your way
Just give me some of you.

I walk around this house
with its half rebuilt body
and battered soul,
calling it my home.

Can't quite tell
what it's hiding,
If you don't look carefully.

but if you do
you might feel
resilience and fortitude
coursing through its bones,
entering through its broken
magic door.

12 long years now
since that act of
divine madness,
staged within these walls,
changed
Everything.


- ~

You took your beautiful life,
on an otherwise ordinary
Saturday eve
while the summer sun
hung high
above the moody waters of the lake
and rays of light,
I imagine,
flickered through
the basement window

I was on the phone
with you..
not knowing
till later,
the immensity of what was created
in that moment.

the one that blew me apart forever,
the one that hurls me toward infinite still,
like a dying star seeking a galaxy.

You stayed with me
in silence
until death gently choked you,
then kissed your hands.

You stayed with me
until in lifelessness you dropped the phone,
privileging me with your last moment
honouring me with your last breath.

nothing can express well enough
the hatred stewing in my blood
for the anger
that pours out of your
poisonous eyes.

that ugly clenched jaw and
pathetic clenched fist
which threaten me face to face
every time you hear me talk back.

apparently, speaking and
defending myself is considered
"interrupting"
and deserves your unholy wrath.

acid
entering my veins,
your violent being
slithers inside my pours..
Like an invisible snake

which will,
one day,
turn on you
vengefully
with its
very real,
venomous
tongue.

Less I am a fisherman
with patient gaze on
undulating seas

and more bait
submerged
heart on the hook
waiting
for you,
beloved,
to cast away this
eternity

You didn't see me watching you
from above.
I was hidden from your view.
there wasn't much space between us..
Just a staircase, a living room and
a large window pane.

Through the reflective glass,
With grand mountains looming behind,
a splendid horizon
and the afternoon sun's gentle glow,
I watched as you spoke kindly to my father.

Unaware of my eyes on you
your mouth moved softly,
and words were silenced
by the space between us.
Suddenly I was overwhelmed with feeling..
a deep and warm satisfaction rose
up in me,
perched there in my safe spot,
realizing that I can still care for you.

You with that charming smile
and charismatic presence.
Cool, calm, and collected
in that moment.
Not wild and beastly
Or ragingly mad
Like, to my grave dismay,
you sometimes are..

I savored that moment!
Knowing full well
that, like all moments,
It wouldn't last.
Realizing that love is,
above all ,
forgiving.
that you are still attractive to me,
that I can still love you deeply...

from a  beautiful distance.

                  ----

Most days I carry you
deep in the cradle of my mind,
or tightly wound up in my flesh.

You,
my preferred escape,
my perfect getaway,
my drug of choice.

Guilty for using you
without your consent.
-
but without your collusion,
this fantasy
won't subside.

you are bound to me
by the silky glue of love..
and one of these days
I will likely come undone
with just one brazen kiss
from your flawless lips.

It wasn't so much
aspiration
But bitter sweet discovery
that brought me to your shores.

I find my island
within.

I take refuge
under the canopy
of trees that
bore fruit
from thousands of lifetimes
of sun kissed smiles
and salt laden tears.

Above, I see rain infused by
meteor mist.
i marvel at this landscape a million times caressed by dust filled snow.

I take a bite from its mystical fruit.

the wistful wind clears my vision
and I am surrounded by the deep blue
of heavenly earth.

Reflecting on the ocean
vast and wild
in her savage beauty,
I remember this is but a
web of dreams
we conjured up.

Releasing
the mind,
floating free..

Awake!
I pay homage,
reveling
in this real
and silken
reverie.

The deeper the love
The greater the transformation
At death

When talking gets you nowhere
Silence will have to do

Words are empty
Unless you mean what you say
I surmised one still, moonless night.
Even as early spring beckons outside my door
my heart
remains devoid.
-
-
I take my vow of silence, solemnly.
Hiding Behind the glass pane
Waiting..
for tangled feelings
Webbed and aged by neglect
to unravel,
inevitably,
and stir my pen.

Someone just kicked a cat
Sent him flying!

###%#?>>%#

He's resilient!
Thank god..
But not my heart.
It went racing down
a slippery *****.
Pain
Fear
Legs turned to jelly!
My morning balloon burst..
Limp with silenced doubt
Mad with seething hate.

####

This morning,
On this shared highway,
From one moment to the next
Your lack of control led to a -s-p-l-i-t-

A sudden veering down an unknown exit
onto a cold one way street.
Don't ever, ever kick my cat.

All hearts bruise
But not all fester
And turn black