last night while sleeping
beneath the cosmic’s silver rays
a moon flower began blooming
slowly unfurling
the daze my mind is in these days
As fragrant whispers fill the air
I wander through a world of dreams
Where time stands still and all worries cease

I ask myself
“Why can’t life always be this pretty?”

Walking through my moonlit garden
of the rage that waters my inner peace
I am quickly reminded

Of how someone like me
Can only enjoy the beauty of life
And acceptance of reality
In my sleep



-M.H. John

Can you see me
From your bird eye view?
I stay up past three in the morning
Counting the rings of Saturn
While crying to the moon

I try to pray to you

But I get lost searching
In the veins of the sky
Where the colors fade from
Orange to gold to purple to blue
For the perfect star

That could possibly hold you

I got home tonight
Walked in front of the mirror
And undressed

Out of my skin

Leaving my corpse
Lying on the floor
I sit next to it

Opening my eyes

To release the water
That have short-circuit
The wires of my mind

I take a deep breathe
And count to three
As I gaze into the mirrors depths

Reflections of my soul emerge
Skinless and vulnerable
I confront myself
Causing my memory to surge

I don’t recognize this person anymore
Dropping the hard drives into the degausser
Old files displaying
An error occurs
“Are you sure you want to erase memory?”

CTRL+ALT+DELETE

I have finally set myself free
Of the AI who controls my mind

Named:
Victim mentality

i cried this morning
while washing my fruits
my tears mingling with water
fixated on conversating
about my emotions
simply due to the fact
that everything in my garden
was grown by

the love of me

only to be harvest
on a regular tuesday sunny afternoon
by none other

than the hands of you

if i could visit my younger self
i would go back to the day
when the laugh of lions
didn’t scare me away
into a world

i was trying to leave astray

a world that once;

smoked me up whole
making swimming pools
out of my tears
that’d be dusted
off of my cheek
into ashtrays

just for the narcissist’s
around me
to feel at peace
drinking from the sea
of pain they ripped me apart in
because they only knew
what they had bled into me

i used to envision myself
gracing scenes of
your spotless minds
movie screens
in films wrapped in gold cellophane
directed in flickers of light
electrified by pain
enhanced by the vision of what
our love could be
switching to black & white projections
anytime i feel happy
to play onto the theme of
my own personal deflections
because even the actors know
i’m the happiest
when you’re without me

if the walls of my bedroom could talk
they’d say how i cry
to the moon
holding my breath
giving myself chest pain
convincing my brain
that it’s from the novacane
i force myself to take
because now & days
i numb myself
to be washed in your acid rain
because it still lives inside me
storming away
anytime i choose
to speak your name

you salt my gardens green
reviving the trees
in which eden
used to swing

calling out to me
to bring my own tears
from the emerald sea
i give them to you

to control

for my gardens may know
how i have
lost my soul
far too long ago

i can feel myself
being swallowed
by the red sea
the salt water
fills my eyes
and i can no longer see

this happens every time

i am stuck
in the whirlpool
of my own anxiety

i try to kick my feet
but i only tangle them more
in the sea ****
that lies beneath

my mother always warned me
about what to do
if a stranger ever tries
to come up
and talk to you

but she never warned me of how

the body you lay with
the second soul
you choose to bear
can become a stranger
at the drop of a star
as well

my beloved
you don’t seem to see
how you’ve taken everything from me
leaving my secrets
spilled out in blue ink
like orchid oil tears
the sweet aroma of fears
extracted by you
fills my world
and i can no longer think

i step in
the hot shower
for about an hour
giving myself
10 seconds to cry
before falling to the floor
pulling the curtain liner
praying to the faith
of my surrender

i hope it happens soon
i hope the water
can be the one to love me
enough to pull me under

the tornado inside
let’s the whirlwind of highs
project violet skies
that now only live
within the white noise
of heavens sunrise

i wanted to go out
the way you did

but sometimes
god laughs at the plans
you make out to die

i can’t cry
when i hold you
and i can’t feel
when i kiss you
because you’re only

in my daydream

only in my daydream

and i hate for us
to be apart at lengths we are
but i love the days
when i fall apart
because the tears create illusions

and that’s the only way
i see you

the clouds above my head
let the raindrops
fall onto the scars
of my trauma
so that they may
grow flowers big enough
to hide the pain

i use
all of the pain
i know
each time
the season changes

to repaint my soul

because i know
how much you hate
the same color
in various
shades of tone

it’s hard these days,
even after all these years
it’s hard
for me to sit directly
in front of a mirror
when all i see
in the reflection
of the glass’ tears
is the image
of you
replacing the body
of me

I tried to
pull all of

the sunshine

out of the sky
and all of

the water

out of the ocean
to pour into your veins

so that it may
get the blood

of our memories
flowing back into
the roots

of your heart
in hopes
that it could

bring the dead parts
of our petals

back to life

i have become angry
angry at how
the colors in the sky
are painted of you

and all the colors
you said
i reminded you of

have washed away from me
and into the earths skin
so that they may
form sheets of flowers

to remind the earth
of how your beauty
still lives within a world

that is no longer beautiful
to people
such as me

the summers haven’t been the same
since you left,

late at night
i drive to the beach
and listen to the waves
because in the sounds of
them crashing into each other
i can hear you call my name

i grip the sand
because through the grains
i can still feel your hand,
letting go of the sand

i place a seashell
beneath your star
so that way you can
enjoy this moment
with me

every memory
i’ve had of you
has found its way back to me
turning our white silk sheets
into satin blue
every tear stain
a different thread
embroidered with every
i love you
we had ever said
to each other

we sat in empty parking lots
and watched the ferris wheel
talking about how
we were once
on top of the world

and now at the bottom

exiting the ride
but still syncing
our heartbeats
to the neon lights

i want to be the one
you see in the clouds
when you are feeling
tired & empty
and need a reason
to keep going

and when they ask,
have you fallen in love?
i will look at the ground
and say,
i can still feel the impact  
from falling
in my chest

you approached
our blank canvas
with black & blue paints
trying to make a sunset
out of me
but all you painted us to be
was a whirlpool

still framing it
trapping me in the middle

last night
i had a dream
that love was a star
waiting for us
to sing our
unsung song
so that we could
fly to it

we wrote our songs
in the stars
for the gods to sing
but we wrote it
out of tune
and maybe that’s why
the universe
couldn’t save us

maybe you couldn’t sleep
because the moons
were trying to talk
to you

if a painting
had your voice
i’d sit and
watch it dry
for millions of years

i am not an artist
and i don’t know
how to paint

but if i were to take
all the shades of blue

and blend them together
they would most certainly
create a painting of you

maybe we loved each other
most in the fall
because much like us
the flowers were dying

you colored me blue
some days the blue of the sky
because you knew how to
make me feel carefree and alive

other days
the blue of the ocean
because you never knew
how to handle your emotions

you were the kind of blue
that was full of life
the kind of color
that made me see the conception
between you and i

i attempted to cry for you
because i was always taught
that if you add water
to a dead flower
it could come back to life

after climbing onto the rocks
and to the top of the cliff
he feared now not
feeling the comfort
of the whirlpool
because while standing
above the sea
he found new meaning in life
now that he realized
he is free

packing for a change
to float off
into a different place

luggage tags & duffle bags
i’ll see you soon

flying off into the sky
to live with you in the clouds
my goodbyes have been final
and my bags have been checked

see you soon
so we can fly together
into the moon

i think you and i
would grow much better together
on mars

we have already taken up
too much of each other’s
oxygen anyways

i stayed until midnight
standing at the bus stop
waiting to go to the airport
to the board the plane
to the moon

because i heard
it doesn’t shine as bright

now that it has you

i’m sorry this world
did not welcome you
with open arms

send me a letter
when you get back home

so i know that
you’re safe

what would the moon say to the earth
if she knew that your beauty
stayed flying high
while hers fell to the ground?
would she hide
in the suns shadows
for the rest of her life?
or would she distance herself
so far that
she turns into one of the stars
she used to wish upon

look at you
with your ocean colored eyes,
sun kissed cheeks,
and coffee bean colored hair

you look as if
you were painted by

Norman ******* Rockwell himself

we were promised flying cars
and big jet dreams
filled with smiles for miles
on white yachts
under tangerine skies
but all we got was
a dull pocket watch
with a timeless end
and that was enough
for the both of us

the moon pulled the tide
to new highs of extreme
scared to come down
the ocean forgot
all he used to be
until the sun came around
and the waves could now hear
the significance of its own sound
he thanked the sun
for bringing him
back to the ground,
“don’t worry”
said the moon
“i’ll be back for another round”

dear universe,
please let her
be grounded and see
how her energy
radiates through this world
and into the roots of me
that have longed
to be brought back to life

slow down
take your time
and realize
that there's more here
for you
sit outside
in the grass
and the let the sun
taste your skin
sometimes it may feel like
you could fly
with the birds
but all you have to do
is breathe
and you'll be grounded
with the lilacs

the light in people’s eyes
who have dealt with loneliness
glows brighter than others
because they have had to find
conversations within looking
up at the moon

denial:
you tell yourself
they just needed a break
a vacation for the day
until a vacation turns into a week
and a week to a month
then you realize all the questions you have
are left wrapped in cellophane

anger:
your presence to me
was as calm as the sea
until i remembered every promise
you ever made
and then suddenly i become the sea
and these waters are no longer
soothing to me
but are now a violent whirlpool
where all my emotions
end up in the middle of

bargaining:
this is where my “what ifs” come into play
and how my “what ifs”
create a fake imagination
to where it is now a fake escape
from any kind of pain
until i can adjust to what my reality
is now set up to be

depression:
these black out curtains
still aren’t dark enough for me
i can still see your face
sitting in every picture frame
on my walls
with your smile
hanging there picture perfectly

acceptance:
this is the final stage
now i finally feel alive and free
the sun is no longer my enemy
but is now a friend to me
to remind me everyday
that i am alive and okay
i am now content with this
being my reality

i sent a postcard today
it must’ve not made it
past the clouds
and to the golden gate
where you await