denial:
you tell yourself
they just needed a break
a vacation for the day
until a vacation turns into a week
and a week to a month
then you realize all the questions you have
are left wrapped in cellophane

anger:
your presence to me
was as calm as the sea
until i remembered every promise
you ever made
and then suddenly i become the sea
and these waters are no longer
soothing to me
but are now a violent whirlpool
where all my emotions
end up in the middle of

bargaining:
this is where my “what ifs” come into play
and how my “what ifs”
create a fake imagination
to where it is now a fake escape
from any kind of pain
until i can adjust to what my reality
is now set up to be

depression:
these black out curtains
still aren’t dark enough for me
i can still see your face
sitting in every picture frame
on my walls
with your smile
hanging there picture perfectly

acceptance:
this is the final stage
now i finally feel alive and free
the sun is no longer my enemy
but is now a friend to me
to remind me everyday
that i am alive and okay
i am now content with this
being my reality

a father is suppose to be a child’s first
hero
protector
guider
and mentor
however for me my father was my first
tormentor
narcissist
and the monster that hid under my bed
with a bottle to keep him company

i’m sorry this world
did not welcome you
with open arms

send me a letter
when you get back home

so i know that
you’re safe

dear universe,
please let her
be grounded and see
how her energy
radiates through this world
and into the roots of me
that have longed
to be brought back to life

i can feel myself
being swallowed
by the red sea
the salt water
fills my eyes
and i can no longer see

this happens every time

i am stuck
in the whirlpool
of my own anxiety

i try to kick my feet
but i only tangle them more
in the sea ****
that lies beneath

if i could visit my younger self
i would go back to the day
when the laugh of lions
didn’t scare me away
into a world

i was trying to leave astray

a world that once;

smoked me up whole
making swimming pools
out of my tears
that’d be dusted
off of my cheek
into ashtrays

just for the narcissist’s
around me
to feel at peace
drinking from the sea
of pain they ripped me apart in
because they only knew
what they had bled into me

if the walls of my bedroom could talk
they’d say how i cry
to the moon
holding my breath
giving myself chest pain
convincing my brain
that it’s from the novacane
i force myself to take
because now & days
i numb myself
to be washed in your acid rain
because it still lives inside me
storming away
anytime i choose
to speak your name

Can you see me
From your bird eye view?
I stay up past three in the morning
Counting the rings of Saturn
While crying to the moon

I try to pray to you

But I get lost searching
In the veins of the sky
Where the colors fade from
Orange to gold to purple to blue
For the perfect star

That could possibly hold you

you approached
our blank canvas
with black & blue paints
trying to make a sunset
out of me
but all you painted us to be
was a whirlpool

still framing it
trapping me in the middle

California
Is where I long to be
The golden state
In which awaits
Dysfunctional dreams
And
Died out fantasies

i want to be the one
you see in the clouds
when you are feeling
tired & empty
and need a reason
to keep going

you colored me blue
some days the blue of the sky
because you knew how to
make me feel carefree and alive

other days
the blue of the ocean
because you never knew
how to handle your emotions

you were the kind of blue
that was full of life
the kind of color
that made me see the conception
between you and i

You took pills
To take your thoughts away
Red, violet, and blue
Were your favorite colors
You say
Red, violet, and blue
Are what took
Your life away

Don’t cut pieces of yourself

To cover other’s wounds

i can’t cry
when i hold you
and i can’t feel
when i kiss you
because you’re only

in my daydream

only in my daydream

and i hate for us
to be apart at lengths we are
but i love the days
when i fall apart
because the tears create illusions

and that’s the only way
i see you

i attempted to cry for you
because i was always taught
that if you add water
to a dead flower
it could come back to life

i stood over the sink
waiting for it to fill up
so i could wash
yesterday’s tears
out of my face
when suddenly
i felt your words
grab behind my neck
and submerge me underwater
i could hear every
hateful word you said
muffled beneath the water
when I pulled my head up
the sink was filled with bubbles
and that was your way
of apologizing today
until you do it again tomorrow

you salt my gardens green
reviving the trees
in which eden
used to swing

calling out to me
to bring my own tears
from the emerald sea
i give them to you

to control

for my gardens may know
how i have
lost my soul
far too long ago

and when they ask,
have you fallen in love?
i will look at the ground
and say,
i can still feel the impact  
from falling
in my chest

we sat in empty parking lots
and watched the ferris wheel
talking about how
we were once
on top of the world

and now at the bottom

exiting the ride
but still syncing
our heartbeats
to the neon lights

i stayed until midnight
standing at the bus stop
waiting to go to the airport
to the board the plane
to the moon

because i heard
it doesn’t shine as bright

now that it has you

i cried this morning
while washing my fruits
my tears mingling with water
fixated on conversating
about my emotions
simply due to the fact
that everything in my garden
was grown by

the love of me

only to be harvest
on a regular tuesday sunny afternoon
by none other

than the hands of you

the clouds above my head
let the raindrops
fall onto the scars
of my trauma
so that they may
grow flowers big enough
to hide the pain

after climbing onto the rocks
and to the top of the cliff
he feared now not
feeling the comfort
of the whirlpool
because while standing
above the sea
he found new meaning in life
now that he realized
he is free

the stars are falling at a faster pace
the clouds are getting closer to my face
i can see myself standing on the ground
and time seems to be the only sound
the skies are spinning
the moons are falling
i can feel my blood flowing
and my palms sweating
but the only thing hard to comprehend
is breathing

i stay up late
having conversations with the walls
and screaming your name
at the mirror
               what if i can’t get up today?
i have sleep paralysis
from overthinking our conversations
from last week
until today
              what if i don’t want to fight?
the monsters under my bed
have pulled out my memory box
and have thrown it around my room
for their own amusement
            what if the sun doesn’t shine today?
that’s okay,
it’s only monday
you still have the rest of the week
to recover
take it easy, you’ll be okay

i measure time
by the amount of beats
my heart skips
the longer that i am away from you

the summers haven’t been the same
since you left,

late at night
i drive to the beach
and listen to the waves
because in the sounds of
them crashing into each other
i can hear you call my name

i grip the sand
because through the grains
i can still feel your hand,
letting go of the sand

i place a seashell
beneath your star
so that way you can
enjoy this moment
with me

I got home tonight
Walked in front of the mirror
And undressed

Out of my skin

Leaving my corpse
Lying on the floor
I sit next to it

Opening my eyes

To release the water
That have short-circuit
The wires of my mind

I take a deep breathe
And count to three
As I gaze into the mirrors depths

Reflections of my soul emerge
Skinless and vulnerable
I confront myself
Causing my memory to surge

I don’t recognize this person anymore
Dropping the hard drives into the degausser
Old files displaying
An error occurs
“Are you sure you want to erase memory?”

CTRL+ALT+DELETE

I have finally set myself free
Of the AI who controls my mind

Named:
Victim mentality

slow down
take your time
and realize
that there's more here
for you
sit outside
in the grass
and the let the sun
taste your skin
sometimes it may feel like
you could fly
with the birds
but all you have to do
is breathe
and you'll be grounded
with the lilacs

i used to envision myself
gracing scenes of
your spotless minds
movie screens
in films wrapped in gold cellophane
directed in flickers of light
electrified by pain
enhanced by the vision of what
our love could be
switching to black & white projections
anytime i feel happy
to play onto the theme of
my own personal deflections
because even the actors know
i’m the happiest
when you’re without me

we were promised flying cars
and big jet dreams
filled with smiles for miles
on white yachts
under tangerine skies
but all we got was
a dull pocket watch
with a timeless end
and that was enough
for the both of us

i think you and i
would grow much better together
on mars

we have already taken up
too much of each other’s
oxygen anyways

hearing your voice
and hearing your name
brings back the pain
of what was yesterday

i found your coffee stained shirt
hidden deep in my drawers
and it brought back all those memories
of us at the corner cafe

and days where we’d sit along the bay
and count the stars
as we’d name them after our dreams

these days i find myself
trying to let the time heal eventually
all our memories
all our history
and all you meant to me

it’s hard these days,
even after all these years
it’s hard
for me to sit directly
in front of a mirror
when all i see
in the reflection
of the glass’ tears
is the image
of you
replacing the body
of me

last night while sleeping
beneath the cosmic’s silver rays
a moon flower began blooming
slowly unfurling
the daze my mind is in these days
As fragrant whispers fill the air
I wander through a world of dreams
Where time stands still and all worries cease

I ask myself
“Why can’t life always be this pretty?”

Walking through my moonlit garden
of the rage that waters my inner peace
I am quickly reminded

Of how someone like me
Can only enjoy the beauty of life
And acceptance of reality
In my sleep



-M.H. John

maybe you couldn’t sleep
because the moons
were trying to talk
to you

i spent my life trying to please
someone with a twisted disease
i broke myself down
and tucked my feelings away
to become the person
they wanted me to be
i let myself be watched
through the glass of a two sided mirror
of a sociopath
i wallowed my spirit away
and begged for acceptance
but there’s nothing in the world
that i could do
to let the narcissist know
that i am human too

look at you
with your ocean colored eyes,
sun kissed cheeks,
and coffee bean colored hair

you look as if
you were painted by

Norman ******* Rockwell himself

your soul is the sun
to the paradise
behind your ocean colored eyes

my beloved
you don’t seem to see
how you’ve taken everything from me
leaving my secrets
spilled out in blue ink
like orchid oil tears
the sweet aroma of fears
extracted by you
fills my world
and i can no longer think

if a painting
had your voice
i’d sit and
watch it dry
for millions of years

day by day
i lie awake,  
sometimes i pray
for a day where you and i
could reconcile
and everything could be okay
and we wouldn’t be stuck
in this black hole
with no moons and no stars.
i know god can hear me
yelling and screaming
asking for peace,
but how could my peace increase
when my peace no longer lives
within me

Love is like a flower
We pick the most exquisite ones
The ones that look most delicate,
And blow the lightest in the wind.
Once picked,
we take care of it
We feed it
and place it in light
Trying our best to make it last.
Until the pedals start to fall
We try reattaching them,
Shaking the flower
More fell off
And we are left
With nothing but roots

i sent a postcard today
it must’ve not made it
past the clouds
and to the golden gate
where you await