so I let you have *** with me
knowing this will lead
to nothing more than maybe a text
“see you again next week”

I let you have *** with me
so I can pretend
that when you hold my hand
it means the same to you as it does to me

and I let you have *** with me
and I let you have *** with me

made my bed for the first time since you left
now it’s easier to pretend as if
you’ve never laid your head beside mine
almost

i still can’t bear to look at the dishes
the ***** plates from our last dinner together
i hope they rot

the first time i broke a boy’s heart
i cried as i watched his love bleed for me
it poured out into my hands and still sticks to my hair this day
i smell its death in the wind

now, i break hearts with no pain, no remorse
i watch the light flee from their eyes and i no longer cry
what it’s like to be me?

feel nothing
create chaos
feel nothing

but it is not that easy
distinguishing the need to extinguish
can only be perfected through repeated failures
burn holes of mistakes that will last, not a lifetime
but long enough for you to still smell the smoke
in your clothes and in your hair
maybe just your memory
i don’t know
but i still smell it

i don’t buckle my seatbelt
anymore

a sip of yesterday morning's coffee reminds me of you
cold and bitter and "what else would you expect"; you'd say
i keep drinking, knowing i could and should drink something better
but i don't, i can't, and i won't
this is life how i choose to make it;
an endless cycle of coffee I'll never drink when I'm supposed to, but will always finish

crooked teeth means crooked smiles
but perfect they are nonetheless
found a lover in a friend and that's more than okay
we don't have to promise each other anything
other than the night

it gets a lil lonely at the top
yeah i'm their number one to ****
but no one's number one to love

empty, i feel used
hurt me, not just sexually
break my heart one more time baby

tell me i'm ****
tell me i'm hot
but never beautiful or intriguing

i only fascinate your ****
i wanna be on your mind
****

tasting you takes me back
to times when I was younger
not for the worse
but for the better
and your smile shows me the future
light at the end of the tunnel
getting brighter
coming closer

familiarity is
knowing exactly where you are
just by looking at the tops of passing trees

familiarity is also
knowing every line and crack in his lips
even in the dark

silence left to its own devices breeds silence
but even when you leave me screaming
words still do not pass through your lips

unconditionally
my love for you runs
like a river through my veins
a rush to my head
a pain that's not a pain

you are as beautiful as the stars
i just hope you're not as fleeting

i cannot breathe at night
and maybe it's just the congestion
or maybe it's the constant fear of myself
that creeps into my mind through the night

the darkness brings darkness

i miss
getting drunk
and talking to people
whom i'll never see again

i am not
everything you think i am
i am
so much less

red stains my mind
a color not of choice
but of forced persuasion

it seems that no matter
how much good is in my life
happiness is fleeting

i understand
if you want to leave
i would too

i am trying
trying to be better than the person
i used to be

i am trying
trying not to isolate myself
from everyone but him

i am trying
trying to include you with us
but you react negatively

i am trying
trying not to go back to who i was
but life is so much easier
with just one problem in your life

i am trying

quiet your breathing now
the night air leaks through the crack in my window
as common sense drips from the cracks in my mind
laughter and smiles all day
alone now
sadness as black as the night

Broken clouds leak endless rain
Summer has its own blues, I guess

When the sun returns and smiles upon the gray
You'll find me basking in the light

"I'm moving"
And in that moment
519 miles seemed
Distant yet impending

"I'm happy for you"
I wanted to tell him
How alone I felt
But I didn't

"It's only for school and job experience"
What happens when
You change your mind
And stay?

Please don't forget about me

a whisper breaks through the silence
either a dead friend's advice or a call for help
watch you get up and leave the room
i wish i could leave too

a pat on the back
"it gets better" they say
easy to say when you're not me

and i think back to the time
when you were in my bed
and we were one

then i think back to the other time
when i wished i was dead
and you were gone

i don't care about you anymore
like you never cared for me

every kiss, every touch
it strums my heartstrings, baby
has it been a day? or an eternity?
time melts when i'm with you

the scars on my wrist, they never lasted
it's as if they knew they were vulnerable

yet every little line of hate is visible on my thigh
it's as if they knew they were a well kept secret

The clouds may linger and the rain still falls
but a shift in the air proves to bring warmer drops

A seed falls to the ground and buries itself
soon to grow into something new and beautiful

I turned my head to you just to watch the way you breathe
only to find that you were already looking towards me

Seasons change and with it, people
I'm just glad spring has brought you

Coffee mug rims stained red
Either from her lips or from her blood
They line the cabinets of the room
I used to find myself in with you

The brew in the *** is three days cold
The fridge no longer is
The dishes stacked in an unruly mess
And I find myself at home in the dirt

Please come back

7 oclock
I pull up to the house where the party is at
Which happens to be your house
And I can see that the place is packed
But I already know that no matter how many people are in those rooms
I will be alone

9 oclock
2 hours and only four shots in
And I am not yet drunk enough to be having a good time

11 oclock
I saw you looking at me from across the room
And maybe it was just the alcohol
But I could've swore I saw longing in your eyes

1 oclock
I left without saying goodbye
Because I knew if I opened my mouth around you my lips would carry themselves to yours

2 oclock**
I couldn't stop thinking of you on my ride home
And I hated myself for avoiding you
The crash of metal against metal that filled my ears was surprisingly enough to make my thoughts stop

chills in the form of goosebumps
race up and down my arms

am I cold, or is this fear that I am feeling?
I cannot tell anymore

words can go a long way
and as they sink into my brain
I let you in with them

the close of a chapter
starts a new one
so they say
but i've been burning through books
ever since you left
and i can't stop now

I can hear the rain
As it taps on my window
And I think back to a time
Where I'm laying in your bed
With the same rain against your window

And it shouldn't make me sad
The fact that you're hearing the rain
Against her window now
But yet, it does

You'll be the third perfect face I've seen in a coffin
When all I should be seeing is wrinkles

The world is a harsh place

every time I hear her name
I want to spit blood

and every time I see his face
I do

"Tease me"
The words escape your mouth
Quietly, in one breath

And in that moment
All thought escapes my head
Because I aim to please you

Been piecing things together lately,
And frankly,
I'm puzzled.

the smooth yet sharp mint
of the menthol between my lips
will never give me the satisfaction
that you could

The innocence of childhood
Is stuck in my mind.
I remember that pale boy with the comic books
and bowl cut, black hair.
And how we'd stay up all night together
playing and laughing, innocent.

But then we grew up and apart
and we were no longer innocent.
We found lust and we found hurt,
but most of all we found life.
and then
you found death.

I went to your viewing and you looked so good,
boy who was once a friend.

eyes shining bright and eager
his lips tasted of new beginnings
your voice is in my dreams

The days roll by
Time goes almost too slowly
I can't get you out of my head

I drunk cried on him last night
He took care of me
Said that I shouldn't drink so much

All bark and no bite
All talk and no fight

We don't talk anymore
and you don't seem to care

We sat in your car that night
Til three in the morning
And I remember how soft your
Hair between my fingers was
And how your head in my lap
Felt so perfect as we gazed at the stars.

We spoke softly even though
No one was around to hear.
Your voice is always comforting.
And it's funny in a sad sort of way
How I know you don't want me
As badly as I want you

My heart aches for you.
Can't you feel it too?

I want to go deeper
I want to feel the pain
But I'm scared that once I get there
I'll never go back again

They tell you to let go
But they never tell you how

I guess you didn't know
That you were keeping me sane
I'm back to razors and bottles and blunts
Again

Instead of letting him go
I think I'll let myself go

If
Only
You
*******
Knew

I'm sick of crying
Myself to sleep every night
I wish this would end