I should be saying
That I'm thankful
For every breath I take
But truthfully
I'm not.

Every time I inhale
It's a long draw
Of a cigarette bud
That isn't mine
Forcing me to wheeze
And cough up the venom
That scorches my lungs

I am cursed
With the longing
To breathe fresh air
And rid myself
Of what I've become so attached to
Just because it's not my nicotine
Doesn't mean I'm not addicted to it
Addicted to dying
Addicted to the thrill of wondering
If this will be
My last cough

Quitting isn't my choice
I'm not the one
Who lights up
With shaking fingers
Shielding a flame from the wind
I'm just the one
Who enjoys
The ashtray full of burnt consequences

I don't have the option
To become unattracted
To the white clouds
Floating around your lips
I was already convinced
That following you
Was as good as resting in the sky
Even if my rest
Was on pillows
Made of poison

I can't say I'm thankful
For the intoxicatingly
Toxic air
That you spoon fed me

But I sure am blissful

I'm not stupid enough to think
Thankfulness and blissfulness
Are the same thing
I am smart enough to know
That honestly
I'm no better than you
Even if I wanted to be

You never offered me
My own cigarette to smoke
But standing next to you
I'm as good as dead.

Hello! My name is:
Miss Understood*

Do you understand?
Ha! No!
I didn't think that you would!

Let me explain it
In easier terms
Who I really am
Without backwards words

The words on the page
Are often mispelled
But I'll make this one a riddle
And hope it ends well

A filthy secret
Sealed with a signature kiss
Locked in with ink
Or at least…
Something like this

From hands holding magic
To deep twisted lies
More dramatic reality
For a story
In a line

Chicken scratch codes
To decipher a thought
A colorful battle
Being constantly fought

Enough clues now!
Have you figured out who I am?
All the answers you need
Are in the palm of your hand

It's really quite simple
Cuz I made this one real good
And as I stated before
We are Miss Understood.

I have no choice
But to put you on trial
Cuz you claim
You're innocent
Until proven guilty
But with all the evidence
I've collected
I'm positive that it was you
Who committed the crime against me

I'm sick of all your twisted lies
The disgusting humor
That this was all one big accident
Saying that in reality
You didn't mean to break me--
Only to leave me bent

The defense says
You were just messing around
That you didn't mean to take
What you stole
But I
-the prosecution-
Say that's *******
Cuz I know you seek control

So now it's time
For your verdict
Take your seats
They're about to start…
…
HA!
The jury says you're guilty
So it's indeed true
That you stole my heart.

Have you ever looked up at the sky
When it was raining
And wondered where the clouds stop?
Because you know
That somewhere across the world
It isn't raining.

So where do the clouds stop?
Is it possible that someone
Is standing right at the edge
Of dry warmth
Gazing out into the cold wetness?

Where do the clouds stop?
Is it possible that someone
Is standing right at the edge
Of where the water falls
Staring out at the daylight?

Where do the clouds stop?
Is it possible to stand
Right at the divide
One hand being hit by raindrops
The other being hit by sun rays?

Where do the clouds stop?

Have you ever looked up at the sky
When it was raining
And wondered when the clouds will stop?
Because you know
That sometime in your future
It won't be raining.

The fourth of July
Is not my independence day
Because my ancestors
Waited an extra
100 years
For the Emancipation Proclamation
To free them
And then another
100 years
Before Dr. King
Fought for our civil rights
But even today
As African-Americans
We are sub-American
Taught to keep our heads low
Around white police officers
And not raise our fists
When they call us *******
So tell me
What freedom truly means
And what it is to you
Because freedom to me
Is the day
I can look my brothers
And sisters
In the eye
And tell them
That we have finally received
Equality.

I'm the type of person
That wears a gas mask
In the midst
Of flower petals
…
Simply because
The hallucinogenic scent
Reminds me
Too much
Of your perfume.

The walls were closing in on me
Where the floor was rising
And the ceiling was sinking
Determined to suppress me to dust
A Chinese puzzle box
That’s more of a trap
Than a puzzle
For me to waste my time
Fiddling with the padlock
When there is no code
Discovering the key
When there is no hole
Turning the ****
When there is no door
An unsolvable problem
That I kept on trying to solve
Until my room was a box
And my box was a prison
And my prison was my life
Determined to suppress me to dust.

Last night
A dream flew to me
It sat on my shoulder
Right where I could see
Content with where I stood
It rested there peacefully
It sang a bittersweet melody
A beautiful lullaby
That I wanted only for me
This dream - for once -
Was within my reach
-
So I reached for it
But as soon as my fingertips
Touched it's wings
It flew away
High
Up into the sky
I just had to chase it
But humans can't fly
Doesn’t mean I wasn't going to try
-
I climbed up a tree
And took a leap of faith
But evidently
My dream was still too far away
Of course - I ended up falling back down
With a broken leg
And shattered hope
This failure was far too profound
-
I'll just lay on the ground
Next to where my dead dreams are
The dreams that lay
In their own decay
The dreams that never flew
The dreams I never knew
The dreams I neglected to come back to
-
Maybe if I had taken care of these dreams
I could have brought them home
So that when they developed
They wouldn't fly away alone
We'd take off together
Like birds of a feather
Neither of us would end up forgotten
Like a voice with no sound
Neither of us would be lying so broken
On this cold
And ***** ground
-
Look up
At all the dreams I've chased
Circling me in the sky
I look up and ask why they left me
I wonder why I couldn't fly
Those are the dreams
I dream about
The ones in the air
That fill me with doubt
-
The truth is:
I could never catch them
For I'll always be too weak
The truth is:
The only dreams I could catch
Are the ones that sit at my feet
The dreams that are all lying dead
Are the only ones
Within my reach.

When you have someone asking you
If you feel suicidal
Eight times a day
You start to feel like maybe you should be
Otherwise…
They would have let you go by now

You blink.
And notice
There are no clocks on the walls
Making you painfully aware
That the ticking sound is just in your head
Trying to cope
Without the security of time

They tell you you have to feel better
Before you can go home
But you have to be home
In order to feel better
You know that.
But you start to wonder
If they’ll ever figure it out

It occurs to you
That this group of strangers
Are now in control of your life
They could lock the door for months
Isolate you from all you know
And tell you it’s for your own safety

You are stuck.

The lights in the hallway flicker
Like the programmed beginning
Of a horror movie
You blink.
And another set of lanyards and clipboards
Are standing in front of you
Asking if you feel like hurting yourself
Or someone else today

No.

It’s getting harder to tell the truth
And the other patients;
Vociferously desperate around you
Are the most intense form of peer pressure

Seconds feel like hours
And days like years
You blink.
And the frustration of keeping your sanity
Drips from your eyes
Your own tears used as evidence
For the lie they want you to admit

Your eyelids droop
Heavy with the exhaustion
Of keeping a sound mind

Either way
You know it’s only a matter of time
Before you blink again.

It feels like I'm drowning
Maybe that's just because
I'm downing
Ten shots of ******
An hour
The power
Of comparison
To what I used to be
Straight.
Addict free
Every ounce of purity
Now stained
By an unclean bloodstream
So I'm far underwater
Committing my own manslaughter

Sinking
With every breath
Inhaling death
Free from thinking
It may be true that I'm dying
Supplying
My own toxins
Lacking proper caution
All this to avoid crying
Maybe it's wrong
But ******* it feels right
A fall with no flight
Clenched fists
With no fight

Because I can still breathe
When I'm drowning
And being underneath
The fluids
Is just as natural
And seemingly gradual
As a heart that's still beating
All my regrets retreating
The pain quickly fleeting
So I shoot up again…

And then just keep on repeating.

It took me years
To build myself
Molding my shape
With ***** fingerprints
And a dull butter knife
Smoothing out
Every rough edge

I spent my lifetime
Crafting this delicate clay
Into something
That didn't hurt my eyes
And when I was done
I baked it solid
Roasted
Into a sturdy piece
Of breathing art
…
And then you came along

You begged
To get close to me
Close enough
To see me
Close enough
To touch me
So I let you
Carefully - of course
Until seemingly
Your soft hands
Were gentle enough
To hold me

But as time passed
You became a bit more…
Careless
Careless
So every time
You picked me up
Part of me was left cracked
Before you set me back down
And your hands
Seemed to bring more hurt
Than comfort

I began to resent you
But I didn't dare say it
Because I was sitting
In nostalgia
Remembering the days
When I really was
A work of art
In your eyes

And yet, eventually
Your carelessness
Rotted to recklessness
Until one day
You dropped me -
The slivers
Of my little clay heart
Scattered on the floor

Despite your best efforts
It wasn't enough
Not even
All the King’s horses
And all the King's men
Could put me back
Together again
I was hopeless
And the fragments
You tried to glue back
Were worthless

What am I now?
Art? No
I'm just a sad lump
Of clay shards and glue
Disfigured beyond belief
An eye-sore
For anyone who looks at me

I wish I could say
That my shattering
Was entirely your fault
But I blame myself
For ever letting you
Get close enough
To touch me.

I spoke the words
That were better left
Unspoken
Prying my heart open
Until it cracked in two
Leave me broken
Despondent
Dejected
Cuz of what I said to you

Words rippled through my blood
Phases fill my lungs
Sinking deeper
In this nightmare
I try to bite my tongue

I begged you to stop me
Stop my words
Stop my mouth
A heart pounding restlessly
Won't let the sound come out

I couldn't miss it
You insisted
Despite my warning
Not a token
Once I speak
There's no possible way
For me to make it unspoken

Unscramble the words
My stuttering absurd
You found out what was true
Words too messy to explain
Unscramble
“I”,
                       “love”,
                                        “with”,
     “fell in”,
                   And                                 “you”.

Call me a monster
And I’ll be wicked
Call me a fool
And I’ll be stupid

Call me a freak
And I’ll live in the shadows
Call me a streaker
And I’ll lose all my clothes

Call me a beggar
And I’ll be down on my knees
Call me bedridden
And I’ll be diseased

Call me abusive
And I’ll punch black and blue
Call me a *****
And I’ll be ready to *****

Call me a tyrant
And I’ll take over mankind
Call me a thief
And I’ll rob you blind

Call me psychotic
And I’ll be deranged
Call me a danger
And I’ll be restrained

Call me replaceable
And I’ll get lost
Call me a cheapskate
And I won’t pay the cost

Call me a housewife
And I’ll cook dinner
Call me suicidal
And I’ll pull the trigger

Call me a cutter
And I’ll slit my wrist
Call me a no one
And I’ll cease to exist

Call me a black girl
And I’ll fit that design
But call me a ******?!
No.
    You just crossed the line.

I’m becoming blurry
When I look at myself in the mirror
And I’m beginning to see
His face through mine
Instead of mine
Like my body is disappearing into His
Like if He wasn’t there
I’d be completely invisible

Now I can’t get rid of Him.

Or I just don’t want to
Because I don’t want to vanish
Into thin air
And be another ghost
Wandering the streets
I want to be seen
Even if His eyes
Are piercing through mine
Even if the world is clouded because of it

Every time I blink
My life seems to get a shade darker
Until everything is disfigured
From His pupils over mine
And anything bright
Seems out of place
Forcing my eyelids back shut
Until the dark returns

It’s funny
That after I’ve been with someone
For so long
I become more and more like them
With Him
It’s no different
I chose to let Him stay with me
And as a consequence
I’m fading into Him

It sounds cliche
That maybe I need Him to survive
Maybe I’d lose my identity without Him
Maybe I’d be nothing…
Maybe I’m too afraid
To let go
And find out

He’s given me a reason to live
And a need to die
But who am I to turn Him away?

I wonder
If I’ll ever truly be able
To see myself in the mirror again
Or if I’ll forever
Be looking through His eyes.

I told my little brother
Not to come upstairs
Cuz my boyfriend and I
Were making sandwiches on his bed
Little did he know
That we we left behind
Wasn't mayo.

Wanting, crying
Pleasure dying
Always sighing
Never finding
What is seeked
Or sought
Or sworn
Or the pain
Constantly borne

Weeping longer
Crying harder
Distant hoarder
Desperate torture
Of all things
Through battle
Through war
What is lost
Is lost too sore

Sin in darkness
Far from restless
Burning weakness
Truly lifeless
Death that walks
Life in
Dirt ground
Darkened earth
Not safe nor sound

Quickly fleeting
Love depleting
Always bleeding
Never meeting
Ones we love
And friends
Left to hate
Heavy heart
Cuz this is fate.

I want to find
The person
I was made
To be with

Not just
The person
I was made
To **love

My love for you

Scares the **** out of me.

I asked you to make time for me
To make time for my love
But you were quick to explain
How relative time really was

That the moments
And seconds
And hours
And days
Were too impossible to stretch out
Or make last
Or hold onto for me

You told me
That clocks controlled our time together
That every time a clock ticked
A second was lost
Becoming the past
History
Before our very eyes
Our moments controlled
And measured
In the hands of a machine
A twisted philosophy
That you believed

I wanted to tell you
That if we cracked open the glass
We could turn back the hands
And re-live the memories
When you told me
You'd always be there
And we'd never be apart

I wanted to tell you
That we could freeze time
If we broke the clock
So that always
Would last forever
And never
Would never come

I tried to tell you
That my time is measured
In how many breaths of your perfume I inhale
In how many times I cry on your shoulder
In how many times
You tell me you love me

But I can see now
Our time together meant nothing
Because you measure time
By the sound of clocks ticking

So when I asked you to make time
It was an impossible request
And you'll move on without me
While I put our clock to rest.

I think
The fact that I haven't
Written a poem
In nearly two weeks
Is causing me
To lose touch
With reality.

Reality
It's a funny word, isn't it?
REAL-EH-TEE
Real
But I lost sense
Of what was real
The same day I lost you
But let's not talk
About you
I'm sick of writing
About you
I'm fed up
With every one of my ******* poems
Including the word
YOU
Maybe that's why I stopped writing!
Yes
You were in my life enough
And I got sick
Of putting you in my poetry
My heart
Yes

So you see
I've lost track now, haven't I?
I was on about
Losing reality
And then…
Oh never mind that
I just…
I lost what was real
The same day I lost my sanity
And it's been
So long now
That I'm not sure
I'll ever get it back

But there was a question
Yes
How do I know
That I'm losing touch with reality
When I haven't known what was real
In such a long time?
Good question.
It's just a
Feeling
I suppose
The only thing humans
Were ever really capable of is
Feeling
The only thing that is
Real
To people
I guess
Because emotions
Often feel more logical than logic
Even when I act on them
Illogically

Or…
Does that not make sense?
I can never be sure
My pencil always races
Faster than my brain can dash
My thoughts forgot
How to run
After you stopped being my coach
Yes
You pushed me
To work harder
Be better
So what happened?
What happened to make you leave?
Why did you…
Why did YOU
**** “you”
I can't stand that word!
Why can't YOU
Leave my mind?!
Leave my paper?!
Leave my poems!
Just leave it blank!
Instead of writing this wretched word
Over and over
Y-O-U
Maybe I'll just leave it blank!

Is it worth losing myself?
To leave the pages empty?
Is it worth losing my real-eh-tee?
Because
I haven't written a poem
In nearly two weeks
And it feels like
I'm going numb
Because
The only real thing I had left
Were my feelings
And now
They seem to be melting away
All the same
As my ability
To write
A real
Poem.

"It was in my mouth...

Am I still a ******?"

How can anyone love me

When I don't love myself?

Friday is your prom night
And I'm not worried
Or afraid
Because my *** might implode
When I see you in your dress
(Although, that is a concern)

But I'm afraid because
Despite your claim that he's just a friend
I know how he'll think
Because I'd be thinking the exact same thing

I'm afraid of
How close he'll hold you on the dance floor
The way he'll put his arms around your waist

I'm afraid of
If he'll introduce you to his friends as “his girl”
What he'll whisper in your ear to make you giggle

I'm afraid of
What he'll do when the music stops
Where he'll try and take you when dancing gets boring

I'm afraid
You'll go with him

I'm afraid
That you'll spend less of your prom night on the dance floor
And more in bed
With him.

You know I'm eager
Because I'm already wet
Before you touch me.

There's nothing that's worse
Than biting a Hot Pocket
And the middle's cold.