I yell and I yell
enclosed by the air
and yet I can't feel it.


I want to hurt myself
just so I can feel something
So I try and I try
but not a drop of blood shed.


I shoot and I shoot
I clash my cymbals
I set myself on fire
I bomb the whole **** cloud.

Nothing moves.


I am stuck in an infinite circle of an alternate reality.
Isolated from life.
I sit and sob
in a cloud of white air.

one day I will be oh-
so tall and with my gathered tears
i will build a water wall
nor paddle nor wind for I
will be flying
with a cast of all those with prisoner tongues marching behind me.

It was around midnight
I was alone with you
You filled my blood with alcohol
Little did I know what you knew

You wouldn’t keep your hands off me
As if I didn’t have a choice
Forcing yourself onto me
I couldn’t seem to find my voice

I tried to push you away
As you pulled me closer to you
I told you to leave
But you stuck to me like glue

The next morning
I tried to ***** up all of my tears
But your hands were tattoos on my body
And the look in your eyes became my biggest fears

You see, I was a steady moving girl
And you broke me in two
Now I’m chained to my fear
And I can’t seem to break through

You stole my freedom
And left me with paranoia and deep cuts
I want to tell the whole wide world
But you know I'll never have the guts

You've no idea how much damage you did
Just the scent of that night haunts me
I have nowhere to turn
There’s no place to where I can flee

I can't seem to escape you
If only I could count to three
I have just one question for you
Why me?

How could I,
Let myself be oblivious,
Miss all the red flags,
Ignore the warnings the universe was sending me.


I got cut.
A million shreds of pain stuck into me.
The way he looks at me glues to my hair.
His words became needles thread through my skin.
His touch on my body became tattoos of pressure.
Seeing him alive became my biggest fear.


I want to peel off my skin,
Start over again.
Untouched,
Unharmed,
Un-youed.
So I bought a new bra,
And rebooted a brand new me.


But no matter how new I am,
No matter how many bras I buy,
I keep falling back.
You've got me leashed.
Trapping me,
Until I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.

I

can't

breathe.

He told me we were hanging out with a group
but he came up to my door alone
said the others couldn’t make it.

I said okay and we went to the moonlight playground
as he poured ***** down my throat.
my body was urging the poison back out
as I cried. I ran and I sprinted
but the fence seemed enclosing
I was stuck in a nightmare all I had were the stars.

after that night I didn’t like stars as much.
alone I lay there in the wet brown grass
rain joining my teardrops I couldn’t see
I couldn’t scream. When I thought it was over
people started looking at me. they thought
I was the ***** and he just hit it and quit it.

Haunted by a vampire
draining truth down my throat
I lost all pieces of myself
offering my roaring willpower to him

the sweat of his touch infiltrates
my defenceless skin
but I didn’t scream
his ****** hands dragging as if I were *** on wheels.

and one day I will be oh-
so tall and with my gathered tears
i will build a water wall
nor paddle nor wind for I
will be flying
with a cast of all those with prisoner tongues marching behind me.

i stand here
screaming for your attention
i could climb mount everest
and still it won't be enough

how come they are?
they get kissed and hugged and praised
all i get is a bowl of disappointment
at which i stare with my dumb eyes

i tell myself i don't care
but i'm racing on the inside
looking for a way to break through
notice me, i'm begging you

all i need is a nod of approval
your absence drives me mad
i'll even settle for half a smile
after all, you are my dad.

After the sunset I hide
Nothing can hurt me there
No tears to be shed
No flesh to be torn


The castle shields me from the war
Prevents me from hurting
Even if just for a little while


The castle is what I love most
Kissing the dark of the sky
Dancing in the moonlight
Even if just for a little while


Making me look up from my scars
Getting me to dwell on the little piece of life left in me
In the castle, I am alive, I am home
Even if just for a little while


When the sun goes up
I have to return
To the hell I was born in
Getting beaten to filaments


All the hate flows back in me
Insulating me
Dragging me down deeper and deeper
Burning me to ash


In the dark heat I long
To the cherry nights under the stars
And in the dark paradise I prance
Under the bright glazing sun

my life is a puzzle
and the missing piece is


i want to run
as far as my legs will take me
away from people
away from places
I'll keep spinning circles
into infinity
i'll spread my wings and fly
as i draw cloud with the wind
to a world far away
to a place so peaceful
to a paradise so cherry
that it becomes unreal


a state of mine
a perfect philosophy
to which i'll never arrive.

You happened to me.
Why me?
Why you?
You hit me like a gunshot.
And hurt me soft and careful.
You inhaled me like a cigarette.
And locked me with your lips
You embraced me with your eyes.
And held onto my collar.
You wrecked away my ambition
Without pulling a single hair.

I will put in a box
How our eyes locked when we first met
When we finally kissed in the light of the dark party
And when I found out- this was getting heart-to-hearty


I will put in a box
The way you'd gaze at me biting your lower lip
Tension when you pulled me closer
With both your hands on my hip


I will put in a box
Every time we hugged goodbye
How you adapted to my liking
The breath-taking look in your eye


I will put in a box
Our late night walk
How you'd pleasure me anywhere
The way our lips would perfectly lock


I will put in a box
The texts that made me smile
Your shield of protection
Even if that means I won't be happy for a while


I will put in a box
Every **** remainder of you
I will put in a box
All the tears, all the blue


Every cry, ever scream
The pain of not belonging
Hoping that one day
I'll wake up, and no longer be longing.

Laying still on my side of the bed
Won’t open my eyes, won’t turn my head

Our pages lie defeated on the floor
Kisses on the wall but ink on the door

Love I refuse to share with new
And so remain reserved for you.

It gives me peace, we tasted forever
Cuddled to dreams, before we severed

My heart smiles only to your touch
Your empty gloves I tightly clutch

As we twirl the days into blank unknown
I sing our song, ‘cause it’s ours to own

I sing and I cry
Teardrops burning dry

‘Till I finally dare look
At the ashes of our book

We pick up our pens in slow-motion glory
And continue to write, each our own story

Our hearts beating on to the rhythm of our metronome
Now, I must leave, but I won’t forget home.

I want to punch you 'till you bleed
twist you bones 'till they snap
vacuum the remainders of your heart
then squeeze your veins 'till you no longer


But when the starting gun is fired
I am stopped by gravity
pulling me back
humanising this creature dressed as you
solidifying the sea of hatred a mile tall


The more I fight
the more I cry
each drop that splashes on the ground
is a piece of my heart
sweating
           sweating
                       for all the creatures in this world.

as the dense look in your eyes embraced me
your lips grip onto mine
clutching me tight
cloaking me from all pain.


i am a solid woman
but to you i am vulnerable
you contain the power to break me
melt me to pieces.


your dark eyebrows protect me
as the essence of you comes closer
you fix me with your glance
seasoning me with a smile.


lifting me up
                               up
                                            and away.

they're here, i said, we've gotta run fast.
who's here, he said.
they're here to get me, i said, don't you hear them?
hear what, he said.
the voices, i said, the scraping on the wall, getting closer and closer and closer and closer... they're going to hurt me, they're going to.
you're okay, he said
they're hurting me, i said, they're here, right here, it hurts.
they're not, he said, it's all in your head.
deep breath, deep breath, now open your eyes.

Fill your lungs with air, they say
These black fireworks are getting closer
Crawl around, it's fun, they say
The slower I move, the deader the knot gets
You're dizzy, shadowed, they say
Apple after apple, only glowing poison

You'll see, you'll see
You'll want to someday
But all I want is out.

To me, you are a noun, verb adjective and beyond.
You are a flash of lime green in this black & white world.


I love you.
I love you and nothing can push me away.
For you are a beautiful warmth,
comforting every corner of me.


Your smile is the key to opening me up.
You squirm inside and set a cozy fire.
Then you distribute the love by waving your heart.
And sprinkle my soul with your golden sunlight.


You'll never even know,
but darling, you own my life.
I'd let you **** me,
drown me,
and torch me on fire.
But I won't ever let you look away.
You never know how one glance can make me you-less forever.


Everyone has standards holding them up.
But I have
and only need
my precious baby you.

I was a wobbly little girl
Tortured by my devil
She chased and chased me
Hunting me down


Criticised my success
Laughed at my victory
Shortened my smiles
Prevented my laughs


My first tear
My only snap
My loudest sob
The whitest flag


I cried for help
there she was
I called emergency
there she was
I raced to school
there she was
I ran back home
there she was


Darkness flowed through her veins
Jealousy kept her running
Black magic empowered her
Sorcery concealed the naked


my head ******
my hands tied
my face torn
my vision blurred


Now she shoots and shoots
and shoots right through me
She strikes and strikes
and strikes up my smile


Protected by my love
I realised right then
I tried to die once
Never again.

i want you to leave

                                                                      hold me tight

don't enter my life again

                                                                     and never let me go

run away from me

                                                                      pull me into you

don't you dare look back

                                                                      and kiss me forever

find someone new

                                                                      be mine forever

and start a new life

                                                                      never leave me alone

be happy

                                                                      be happy

without me.

                                                                      with me.

I feel the water against my skin
I know when I am almost drowning
I can sense the snakes poking my atmosphere
As I draw my knife.


One of my eyes pinned
The other one the watch
Because I am naked
And nothing will hurt me again.

White and gold horses.
Gracefully gallop away.
Ripe me is set   free.

i am a shape

                       i dOn't know what kind

    i dOn't knOw what dimensiOn

                                          i give myself answers

            that i dOn't have the questiOns tO

                                                         my bOdy tries match a silhOuette

                        but there are nOne

                                                         i am an existent piece of sOmething

and that is all i knOw.

Flickering candles of promises, not enough
Being a spectator of these everlasting black fireworks is tough
Beams of convergent love reached an end
Smoky shadows still follow me in ways I cannot comprehend
Being the victim of unrighteous pain, I rebuff.

It's a dark night
Purple veins are conquering the sky
The haunting thunder is surrounding me


Teardrops are falling from the sky
rolling down my icy cheeks
The cry of piercing wind is petrifying
slithering in one ear
crawling out the other


I kept inhaling
Not knowing which breath would be my last
My head light
My vision faint
The last bits of life were bleeding out of me.

Down, down, I was ****** into the hungry ground
Enclosed in the darkness on the other **** side
Phony pavements descending as I strolled
Reoccurring things are ticking away
Every catch is a save
Slowing the freezing and all
Silence dominates my will to say stuff
I’m not supposed to be here, cover me away
Obliged days have sunken me solid
No one told me how to exit this game.

I want to stitch your hands onto mine
You're the glazing moon
in a village of only dead grass.


I choke when I can't see you
Your glance is heaven to me.


As I claw my love into your mouth
I realize

that your love
is out of my
grasp.

I am staring at this person
not knowing who she is.


I've known her before
but now the image is drained dry.


her eyes possessed.
her lips blurry.
her body empty.
her skin thin.


There's nothing more to this person.
This person is dead.

i bury you here
where we first fell in love
when i felt your sharp blue eyes up close
i could drown in you forever

i bury you here
on our 3 am sneak-outs
as the delicate rain
poured onto your slippery lips

i bury you here
in the bed where we went all the way
how we'd cuddle for hours
saying only i love you

kiss me
embrace me
tease me
one last time, i'm begging you

from dusk to dawn
i still sing our melody
but when the sun starts to rise
i bury you deep
just to dig you back up again.

You can't back down now
Now is happening
Gather all your fear
Sprinkle it all over you
Take a shower in the darkness
Dive in the sorrow
Because drowning
will teach you how to swim.

Waking up to the sounds of bombs exploding
Everyday I drown deeper in despair
Running from guns, carrying my possesions and I
Breathing in the cold poisonous air.


Trapped by authority
This is no place for a kid to grow
As I stand here in the rain
I start to draw a Rainbow.


Given the choice between death or sea
I leave the sandcastle I built to drown
We travel for hungry months
Our flashlights anticipating, wave after frown


As I step foot into my new life
Trauma dances around in my eyes
For every breath I take here
A person in my country dies.


I am a puzzle piece with endless corners
Humanity was stolen from me a long time ago
Therefore home will remain forever lost
So I draw another Rainbow.

Round and round but no left no right
Rotation is no escape
Blood from the war stained us head to toe
My only treasure, I tried to prevent a scrape

Principles of decency were cancelled
Regardless guilty or innocent, was horror enforced
We scrambled past, two starved mice
As the hunt was relentlessly endorsed

But what didn’t survive the struggle for life
Was my lovely wedded wife.

Cherry kiss
Come inside
Catch my breath
Windy bliss

Sticky fingers
Tongue is shaking
Slashed skin
Yet it lingers

Fired gun
Dead flowers
Flood of remorse
Buried on the day it had begun

The wave of hungry winter has arrived
My palms are still stained warm
Although the air remains sweet
No breath left to taste it with

I search sky and ground
All there’s left are shriveled dead crumbs
I fall into stage ****** drowning in desperation
Craving just one small juicy bite

I want to escape this void
Enhance time to blow everything away
My last remaining flame is choking in absence
Dear love, please set me free

I try to fill the hole you dug in my heart
by drawing your body with a stranger's pen
but no one's lips can match the love your gave mine

You are dangled in front of my weary eyes
tempting me to take a bite

My heart often spins me back into a kaleidoscope of memories
as my vision haunts me with the taste of you

I was drugged the second I saw you
inhaling you deep
wishing you'll never flow away

Now I contain more holes than flesh
begging for the moment when I'll stop bleeding dry.