I feel like I’m at the rock bottom of my life, feeling so worthless and all i do is blaming myself. I feel like I’m insane to hold the pang in my chest, the pressure of this world madness. Drowning in the deep of miserably and despair. Everything seems not in the line, so overwhelmed , and the hatred towards me has been growth. I don’t even know who i am, or where i am.
- it terrifies me, that i'm getting lost and neither can save me.
This is me now, during mental break down.
I can't stop
Accelerating my the second
Salty tears are flooding my eyes
Air stuffing my windpipe
Each breath is spiralling upwards
I feel it all at once
Years of hungry pain rushing into me
The sorrow is starving for my cries
So it pulls and twists and stabs
My voice is muted
Death is craving me more and more
Longing to meet again
To bleed me dry
And drain me away
21 November, 2018
I want the trees to shake from my screaming!
I want to bite through my own jaw!
I want to claw all the skin off my body!
To break everything & hit everyone
So just let me ******* be alone.
I want to kick the boulders off the mountains!
& push the ground away from my feet!
To rip the trees up like carrots from the ground!
Bang my head against the pavement!
& curse every bad name at everyone!
But then I get sad
I get sad and I cry
I cry because I can’t believe I ever thought those thoughts
I can’t believe I ever wanted those things
I-I-I shouldn’t think like that
I love this world
I don’t want to hurt myself
I don’t want to hurt anyone else
I love my family
I-I-I love my friends
They did nothing so wrong as to deserve this
They don’t deserve this
This poem is my raw thoughts while I am in a state I refer to as a "breakdown." These have happened for at least three years consistently anywhere from twice every-other week to twice an hour and can last from 2 minutes to an hour. Writing this poem is how I figured what they are. Finally!
(a conversational tone, because I'm sick of being mature)
I have resorted to living under the four gray walls and ceiling
because even though this room still reminds me of you,
It reminds me of a lot of things.
therefore, this room isn't primarily of your memory...
Last year around this time I'm sure you were still prodding around
I revisited the place I was on my birthday when I got a text from you
you said I was being an attention *****
but then you proceeded to ask to come over
you were weird.
the field of the festival
where we escaped for a second to breath
the graveyard we went to
and there were two headstones, side by side
that had my name, yours
we laughed about it,
you joking that we were going to burn each other out so much
that the gravediggers dug our ditches early
i drive past your place all the **** time
how is that good for my mental health?
I've been thinking about my mental health a lot lately
it shouldn't be healthy that after almost two years
i'm still hurt by you
my friends don't say i'm crazy
but i see it in their eyes
the shallow glances they give each other
i know i'm losing it;
one simple push away from a mental breakdown
lol, it's coming
once i fall, i'll fall back to you
who knows if you'll be there to catch me after all these months of not talking
of you wanting me dead
of me wanting to be
of you finding other lovers
of me not
of me knowing you're out there, that you're in my head
how do i recover from that
when my entire head has been dedicated to the galleria of memorabilia from a lover I can't seem to get over
as long as you don't see it i'll be fine
Simply so much on my mind.
I already knew
Even before I got to know you
You had suicidal thoughts
Every now and then
One can't really hide from me
Because I could see
Behind that mask
That doesn't even last
For I have been in your shoes
But I guess I lack compassion
I didn't know how to show it
You get through
Cause I still have hope for you
Get well soon! :) It is now my turn to support you... :3
Oh my sweet sweet blade
I fell in love with you when I was 11 years old
I got obsessed with you
Got in a fight with you, you always won
But still, I never lost
The only thing I lost was blood and tears
I gained scars and memories
Memories that would keep me alive
Oh my sweet sweet blade
If I were you,
I’d cut deeper and deeper
Until I’d hit a vein
Maybe you, for once, would also scream of the needy pain that is now inside of you
where to start
stop reading this *******
I binge write,
Like an addict relapsing from ******
I wake at 4:13 in a cold sweat
Because somehow words have become more important than sleep
— The End —