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Alex Nov 2017
Poetry is my self harm, you guys are the endorphins.
Does this count as a 10 word poem??
Alex Nov 2018
How can I possibly raise a baby of my own when I can barely raise myself?
Alex Dec 2019
A few minutes ago I hate myself a bit more than I usually do. I cut my thigh. One single cut, but it was at that moment I realized I was...alone. I can’t tell my mom she’d be upset. Couldn’t tell My brother he’d tell mom. Couldn’t tell My other brother I was scared to. I also wanted to die but couldn’t because of my son and I hated that. I also hated that I hated that. 1 year and 1 month. 13 months. 395 days. Gone. Because I was a weak.
When I wrote this I was a single mom. Now I’m back with my sons father and things are getting better and everything WILL be ok.
Alex Feb 2018
its been 5 almost 6 months
since I left you,
4 months
since we started talking again.
3 months
since I tried to move on
2 months
since I found out you moved on but that it didn't last
1 month
since I've been dying to tell you that I still painfully love you.
"Time will heal" but it never does.
Alex Mar 2018
It starts with the thought:
I    want     to     cry.
It's stupid. Let's not do this, not today. Not over some stupid guy.
(He's no where close to being stupid)
A hot tear slides down your cheek, There is no turning back.
Your breathing changes, your chest starts to hurt.
Your lying in bed comforted by the surrounding pitch black
I can not move I don't know why
Crying and shaking uncontrollably
I am paralyzed.
You don't want to move, you don't want to think, you don't know what you want but your on the brink.
It's getting dangerous you have to calm down. Your thoughts are unrealistic, your heart is lying.
Now all you can picture is your death scene and what it would be like to be finally dying.
Alex Mar 2018
This girl has a mind as beautiful and big as the world and in the world her fantasies dance, coming to life like an amusement park switch turned on.
Colours and objects and happy kids faces.
But like every amusement park in all the books and all the movies.. It became abandoned. The paint becomes chipped, the rides come to a stop. The fantasies dull and the world begins to crumble.
I have no clue what this is. But feel free to like haha
Alex Mar 2018
“I went to bed
with flowers in my hands and woke up caressing a riffle” -Amanda Frances
Alex Jan 2018
A single tear slides down your cheek.
Every morning at 3am the girl decides it's time to rid herself of her pain.
Your stomach is tightening. She would take a shower or rather sit down in the water and cry for an hour. Your throat is closing
Cry for the heartbreak, the hope and chances she gives because in the end no matter how many times she avoids the word she's always going to be just a FRIEND. Your light headed and shivering,
the water is cold. Your numb not just from the water, oh dear; your emotions went down the drain with your tears. You turn the water off. Sit in your towel before climbing into bed and falling asleep with nothing inside your usually chaotic head.
Alex Feb 2018
Her curse
was that she felt
t o o  m u c h,
at times, to the point
where she felt
n o t h i n g  at all.
My mom says it's a blessing and we need more people like me in the world. So full of compassion and emotions. But it's so sad when we get hurt because we feel every     Little      Thing
Alex May 22
There's a mom out there who is staring down at her legs with so much anger and pain she can barely see.

There's a mom, with no proof she recently cleaned the entire house, she tries to calm down her toddler who has yet to sleep.

There's a mom, with tears and a loud mind waiting until she wins back control of her emotions before she ***** something else up.

There's a mom all on her own and no therapy/counselling that worked, she began to build her walls again for the last time.
Tired of judging my every action. Will I ever be enough?
Alex Mar 2018
Not everyone is meant to
                  live,
But not everyone is meant to
                             die.
Thinking..
Bob
Alex Nov 2017
Bob
Bob is my darkest shadow and only friend.
Bob is sometimes a bully that when I'm in bed at night sits on my chest making me feel as if im suffocating.
Bob makes me think things which --give it time-- I will believe.
Bob is the reason that I push people away and lie my *** off so even the most stubborn ones will leave.
Bob is also the reason I have one hand on my stomach clutching at the skin as if somehow that will make my stomach stop twisting and closing in on itself. The other hand on my mouth trying to muffle the sounds of my sobbing and the gasps as I run out of air and start choking on my tears.
Bob is my depression.
Bob is in no way my friend. But I can't get rid of Bob.
I finally got the courage to read this to my mom cuz this explains what I'm feeling n what's going on in my head and she changed the subject cuz she felt uncomfortable. Sooo now I post it. Poetry is my self harm and you guys are the endorphins.
Alex Nov 2018
My mind is always playing games but it gets to the point where I don’t know if it’s serious or not.

Am I happy? I just laughed at something but I don’t feel happy. Am I sad? I just thought about suicide again..****. Why do I never wear the same clothes again? Why do I cut my hair so casually as if everyone gets up randomly and shaves their head.. why must I be so care free and then guarded once I have friends? Where did they go? **** I pushed them away again.. but if I try and explain what happened I’ll hate myself because I am a burden..
Alex Oct 2017
An ache in my chest as if my heart is nailing boards into it, trying, using everything it possibly can find to help keep it intact, preparing, getting ready for the final break. The break that will not so easily if not ever, be fixed. like dropping a diamond on a granite
floor--that shatter, is what I might accidentally have made happen. I am the reason I will be dead. I am the reason my heart will be no more.
I know crystals don't shatter but you can imagine it no?
Alex Jan 2018
The bridge we created was destroyed by a tsunami of your lies.
Yet I still, -even after the warnings and the storm,  after the damage was done- fight to rebuild.
Alex Mar 2018
I    am    broken.

But not in a sense
of a favourite coffee cup being dropped into  tiny  l i t t l e  shards but,

like a candle that has been lit and relit using all it has to give and now is not able to work.

I am now only pretty to look at. Wanting nothing more to work, to feel the fire inside me.
Alex Nov 2017
My days have no name.
People call them:
Monday,
Tuesday,
Wednesday;
But mine are all the same.
How do you tell the days apart when they all seem identical through the window pane?
Never leave your room, wake up to the sun going down, go to sleep to the sun rising then do it all again.
Alex Dec 2019
Why is death so evil when
you
try
to
****
yourself?
people turn the other way pretend you didn’t speak those four words
Yet, when others die from other causes
they
cannot
talk enough of it?
Alex Nov 2017
If you move on with someone else can I ask you of one small favour?

Delete me from your memory.

Delete me from your mind.

Delete my touch

Delete my laugh

Delete the taste of my lips

Delete the smell of my shampoo

Delete the tones of my voice and all my ****** expressions you've memorized.

Delete all my hopes and dreams.

I bared my soul to you. I need it back.. You moved on so I have to..in some way... Somehow.. Do the impossible and.. move on.. So please. Don't let me hurt anymore. Delete me.
Alex Nov 2017
You called me beautiful, and immediately I thought myself
Beautiful.
How easily your words impact my very being, my thoughts and my world.
Alex Nov 2017
I don't want anyone ever to hold me the way you do
     You make me feel okay, whole, through and through
           I don't want anyone to know my ****** expressions and voice like you
               I don't want anyone to know my family the way you do
                       I don't want anyone to understands my thoughts and reasons
                              I don't want anyone to understands my weird meanings
                                       I don't want anyone to ever know why I do what I do

I don't want anyone to know because that's something between me and you.
       I don't want anyone to make me laugh and be so mad at the same time.
               I don't want anyone else. No one knows who how much I want you to be mine
                      I don't know why part of me keeps ******-well lying!
                                I don't know why I can't give up! Is it because I'm trying to keep the thoughts of us together intact? A beautiful fantasy?! Doesn't matter! I still end up I finding myself trying!

I don't want to trust anyone the way I trust you.
         I don't want to love another the way I love you!
Maybe it's not that I don't. Maybe it's more along the lines of "I can't" because I can't see myself being with someone else it makes me sick.
Alex Mar 2018
Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.

Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.

Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.
By: Unknown writer
I didn't write this I found this. I have no clue who wrote this but I didn't. I just love this.
Alex Mar 2018
As
the
sun
went
down,

so
did
the
tears
on
her
cheeks.
Thinking...
Alex Nov 2017
Sleep. Sleep away your pain. It's
all you can do.
Alex Nov 2017
You kissed me! My brain is mess of tangled thoughts. He kissed me! You look at me with that angelic face, then hug me picking me up in your warm embrace. I kiss him back and then get ready for you to be mad. Instead you smile your dazzling smile and say "I liked that" and I am glad. Your voice, oh your voice like a familiar song, your smell is intoxicating, the taste of your lips leaves me feeling giddy but not for long. You are mine, I am yours. Everything is finally okay.

But 
then
I
wake
up.
Alex Oct 2017
Love     Waking up and texting him "Morninggg"
          hoping your the first person to text him

Love     Not being able to sleep until you know
          he's safe in his room and not dead somewhere
              because he loves to stay out late

Love     Packing food not for you; no, for him
          incase he hasn't eaten or for your sake gets
              gets hangry eek!

Love     Hoping, praying he starts the conversation
          with you because you feel like you're always starting
              them and bothering him because he's busy

Love     Needing a hug from him and only him
          (you wouldn't dare hug another guy) and only
             feeling better when he hugs you because it's him
          and he knows how you like your hugs

Love     Explaining something with your hands flying
          everywhere, speaking so fast you don't even stop to
              think if he can understand you but this happens
          a lot so you keep going and as your talking his face
             changes to something of amusement and that makes
          you smile

Love     Not being able to hide anything from him
          because he knows your ****** expressions and the tones
              of your voice all to well, yet you don't want to hide
          but you also don't want to tell him what's wrong either..

Love      A sudden loss of appetite just by thinking of him because
           when I think of him I want to cry. I want to hate myself
              more if even possible at this point, for leaving him out of
           anger and stress because I push people away when I can't
              think. But right now? It's all I can do. Is think.
I dont even think I need to explain this..
Alex Mar 2018
Loving you will **** me,
but It's a price I will pay.
To watch and see
how it unravels, and what we say.
Maybe we'll adopt some kids and be happy,
Or i'll move on and get married some day.
Perhaps, without you my love, I'll never know joy.
All I know for certain is loving you will **** me someday.
Alex Nov 2017
I will not tell you anything that is wrong
My ****** expressions and tones will not betray
I will keep this up, I don't know for how long
I guess I'll keep doing this till you see I'm okay
Deep down I think you think I'm a lot to handle and I'm sorry.
I'm going to be the worlds most fake person and see where it gets me.
Alex Nov 2019
***** food
She has the option to buy any type of food she wants. But what do you eat when you don't want to eat anything? When the numbers on the scale in the bathroom are worth more than any food you put in your body..
Alex Jun 1
What’s a relationship worth?
Everything. A relationship is a tandem activity that lasts till -death do us part-
It’s not one sided. You give then you receive. You have confrontations and you come to a solution. It’s not meant to be hard. Tough at times? He’ll yeah, Maybe. this is new grounds and it’s scary as hell. Never been treated like a princess till now and it’s time I start accepting that I’m allowed to be spoiled with kisses and kindness. I Shouldn’t have to guess that it goes both ways. When you’re in love and find the right person, it’s peaceful, simple. You should feel goosebumps on your skin and heat in your cheeks as your muscles start to hurt from smiling too hard. You get upset by the mere thought of them leaving and giddy when you see him walk down the street knowing he’s yours and only yours and you’ll do anything and everything to keep it that way.
Alex Nov 2017
When I think of happiness I think of yellow, but not just yellow. When I think of happiness I see tulips buzzing to life from all the bees that sang to them. I see rainbows and butterflies over a vast country land on a beautiful sunny day with horses neighing their hello's. The sight gives me a goofy feeling. This happiness, It's now tugging at the corner of lips, pulling them towards my ears until my cheeks hurt and then a sound of squealing as I reach a full  blown excited-happiness overload
So the boy I love
So very very very much and am
Fighting for days I never wrote happy things  sooooooo I came up with this
Alex Dec 2019
How can you love me more than words describe but when I see myself I just feel shame and empty inside?
How can you be so happy to see me but I can barely look in the mirror?
How can you be so afraid to lose me but the mere thought of dying brings a smile followed by tears?
Alex Jan 2018
I am selfish or I am blind,
Somehow I left your emotions behind.
I never thought you were able to be sad,
You were always oh so happy and I, was always glad.
You were there when I turned around,
You always picked me up off the ground.
So please tell me, why is it that I never guessed
That you my darling love might have been depressed?
I am beating myself up I should have known,
You have emotions too but I was caught up in my own.
I found out that the love of my life gets extremely sad and I didn't even think once! If he ever got sad and to find out (of course we all get sad) that he gets really really really sad and I just never thought to ask him and it makes me sad to think of him being sad so I wrote this.
Alex Dec 2019
I don’t know and nothing is all I feel;
it’s all I think. My muscles aren’t responding or maybe my brain just didn’t tell them to do anything
I don’t know.
My eyes however haven’t stopped flowing. Other than my heart, which I feel being behind my eyes, seems to be working
Alex Nov 2017
Being unwanted isn't new to me. Infact I was shocked to find myself on the verge of tears when I found out you don't want nor care about me. I hate what you do to me. I hate that you're my weakness and you don't give a ****. I hate that nothing I do fazes you. I hate you.
But you see.. I can never hate you. Because I still love you.
Alex Mar 2018
What if we aren’t depressed;
What if we’re just the only ones who see the world as It is:
Broken, heartbreaking, beautiful, blind and deaf.
Maybe we aren’t the broken. Maybe they are just misguided
Thoughts
Alex Nov 2017
I am naked.
Not physically but emotionally.
Please don't look at me.
Not right now.
Don't you see these scars?
Turn around.
My mind is broken.
My heart is scared.
My emotions in plain sight, my soul is bared
I am naked.

.
i kinda fixed this poem a bit..
Alex Apr 3
Something   happened     to       me
that I don’t remember but
my
body
does
Alex Dec 2017
I love you
I pushed you
I love you
I lost you
I love you
You used me
I love you
You played me
I love you
You said you loved me
I loved you
You lost me.
I can breathe and start to move on.
Baby steps but I'm going to do it.
I'll be okay again.
Right now I'm
Going to enjoy being single ACTUALLY single not waiting for someone.
Alex Nov 2017
I've been stairing at my ceiling above my bed,
My thoughts are swarming in my head,
These demons for some untold reasons seem to always want me dead,
Please let me sleep instead!!
It's 4:24am and I just want to freaking  sleep!!!!
Alex Nov 2017
My love for you will never die but yours died long ago.
My heart and Mind
are in battle every day,
but yours won time ago.
My emotions are like the weather, always noticeable,
yours, are like a Tsunami,
before you realize
what's going on its to late.
My thoughts are killing me.
Your thoughts?
You have none.
I am nothing to you.
My trust? Forever yours.
Yet you have no trust for me.
My body and soul, every inch of my body is yours. I am entirely devoted. You? She is yours.
I
         am
Nothing
To
U
Alex Oct 2017
I'm suffocating. This school we are in together has too many memories. As I walk the halls with my head down staring at the rectangular tiles, I can picture ghost like images of us walking hand in hand laughing about stupid things. I can still hear your voice and your laugh through my deafening music. Like a song only I can hear. Some days it's a gift, others it's a curse. I go for lunch and there is now several ghost like versions of ourselves, hand in hand or kissing. One pair is at 7/11. Me sitting on top of the grey cage that holds the propane tanks, with your head between my legs as I fix your curls because they are always in dire need of fluffing. Another pair is at Mc Donald's. We are ******. You eat hamburgers while I watch mesmerized by your beauty and your smile and how you get nervous if I continue to look at you. The pair that makes me sad the most is the one in the woods. Our spot. Where we would go to get away from people. I remember saying how much I love this spot because it felt like twilight when the sun shown through the leaves. Me and you on the track walking together for a whole period. Us kissing on the bleachers. All the times we went to the store and wandered because we didn't want to go to class and I could never decide what I wanted to eat. Going to the dollar store and putting on hats and Halloween costumes then play battling with swords. I am haunted by my memories but I need to make more with you. These memories only hurt because I'm terrified I'll never get you back and that thought alone makes
me not hungry and anxious to the point my chest starts tightening and I have to think of something else quick.
I wrote this few weeks ago it needed some fixing ..
Alex Dec 2017
"IM A *****"
I catch myself saying more often than not.
But oh no,
no no no I am not actually one.
My dear friend,
this facade, if you will, is protecting me from getting hurt by people and expectations, from allowing people to see who I actually am.
A baby in a bee costume does not make the baby a bee..
Alex May 2018
You ask me if I want you out of my life, if you should go
My only response is a stifled sob
At this moment all I can do is cry.
My head is at it again telling me what to do which is not much really.
I am a prisoner inside of this body and when I am like this I hand all controls over like an obidiant child.
I learnt long ago not to fight or argue because that only hurts people
and by people I mean my thoughts and when I say thoughts I mean me.  When I am like this I sit and I wait there’s nothing I can do nothing anyone can do except wait.
If I talk to you when I’m like this  if I express my thoughts nothing will go right and I will just get hurt
Alex Oct 2017
My dam is full and its about to break, it reached capacity this morning. Slowly for the past 3 months it's been filling up with emotions I never shared, my thoughts I never spoke and my actions in which I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't have done. Scared and helpless on what to do now; What is there to be done? No one to get supplies and help fix it. Do I even want to fix it? Why fix anything when theres no one that will need saving. The man who helped build this dam is working for a new girl now. As the **** breaks ill be standing on top, drinking liquor while painting pictures on my arm in red with a silver pencil.
Alex May 2018
A boy, a smile, a thought.

Your sweet words electrocute my walls that hide how weird I am. Leaving me babbling and embarrassing myself.

A text, a joke, a laugh

Your humour and smart-assy retorts I’ll ask what your doing right now and you will explain in detail how you are sitting and whether or not it’s comfy.

Eye contact, funny face, shaking head

Oh sweet boy you don’t yet understand the game. I stick my tongue out at you and you are supposed to copy. But instead you smile and laugh and look away.
I don’t know what this is but I haven’t written in a while so I need you to write something.
Alex Nov 2017
Mother can I read this to you?
I wrote it. Oh how proud I am. Look! It has a lot of views. Took me a while but I made it perfect! Oh Mother look it's trending! I feel better now that I wrote it, can I show you?

Ugh one...

Never mind it's not as good as I thought it was. It needs work. They just look at my poem because it crosses their eyes. They don't actually like it. Why do I write. Why did I even wake up this morning.. I'm sorry for bothering you.
Alex Nov 2018
After doing everything I possibly could to keep you, I realized it was not me who was the issue.
You were.
With one seemingly simple choice, you broke two hearts. One all too fragile, that knows loss and love, hate and guilt. And one that has yet to met the world, who will never understand why his dad left him.
Alex Nov 2017
Do you actually have to have a reason to **** yourself? Why do you have to explain your reasons? What if you have none? Why would I tell you if I wanted to **** my self.

    Y o u   w o u l d   s t o p   m e
Alex Dec 2017
My body is nothing but an empty shell with echoing thoughts bouncing off my inner flesh.
At difficult times or when under the influence my body will malfunction and do stupid things and my brain will try everything it can in its power to try and tell me not to do things, that I'm going to get hurt. My shell will not listen to anything may it be that it is to stubborn. It does what it wants oblivious to its surroundings until it gets hurt. By the time my brain gets a hold of things it's to late. Look what I've done now. I did something I shouldn't have done. Seen things that weren't meant to be found and heard things that weren't meant to be spoken.
I had this thought for a while I found it in my notes lol if I had written it when I had the idea it would have been better..
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