You make me so mad sometimes
When you compare our kids
It’s Thunder dome inside the house
When you compare the kids
Another thing you do that makes me so angry
When you expect more than what is needed with my teenage kids
You know I hate being vulnerable and you know that it’s hard for me to speak up
Sometimes I feel your getting comfortable being on top
You won’t admit it but you treat your kids better
You complain when I make my kids do chores for a $80 video game buts it’s completely okay to buy a $1200 go-kart for your toddlers.
I hate when you compare my kids to yours
It’s not fair
You’re lucky that I’m able to hide your emotions from my kids
I have to learn how to love your kids
But you like when mine aren’t around.
As I’m writing this down
It’s starting to make sense
I think this is the beginning of our end
Don’t you dare think for one ******* second
I’ll stay just because of your kids.
I have a blended family. This doesn’t mean he treats my kids awful. But I need to get this out before I explode and leave. This is a part of my PTSD
I fill my arms
trying to buy my certainty
there are dark seeds
pushed into a corner
my arms are tired
I have carried all this through the day
my feet are tired
I have carried all this through my years
pushed into a corner they will wait
while they wait
I forget to wake
I forget to make dinner
in the darkness
there is comfort in forgetting
tendrils are spilling out of the cupboard
purple and white
curling and searching
touching every dark corner
they have not forgotten
i will bury my comfort and certainty in the yard
we have out grown our boxes
searching for the light
the breakfast we never ate...
our bed still warm
waiting for the spoons to return
your little voice…
the table’s weight crashes to the ground…
none of this will return to what it once was
your small tears can not fix this broken bowl
one song on repeat
at least its a good one i think…
other things to fill them...
how soon we have forgotten
the bed that wasn’t ready to let us go
tears and laughter
we are broken
our day has just begun.
A few minutes ago I hate myself a bit more than I usually do. I cut my thigh. One single cut, but it was at that moment I realized I was...alone. I can’t tell my mom she’d be upset. Couldn’t tell My brother he’d tell mom. Couldn’t tell My other brother I was scared to. I also wanted to die but couldn’t because of my son and I hated that. I also hated that I hated that. 1 year and 1 month. 13 months. 395 days. Gone. Because I was a weak.
When I wrote this I was a single mom. Now I’m back with my sons father and things are getting better and everything WILL be ok.
My mother, just the mother.
Not only a mother, but just my mother and me.
My only confidant. My only support.
My only defender and play pretender.
The only bread winner, my only cook for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Only my mother and me.
My mother so much more than a mother.
A teacher, my lecturing preacher.
A caring and compassionate one of a kind go getter and my best friend until the end.
Only my mother and me.
How can I possibly raise a baby of my own when I can barely raise myself?
Perhaps it's something more?
I'm dragging my son down a path I've followed aimlessly as a child.
He is following within my footsteps. My path.
You wouldn't understand the unbearable stress of being a single parent, with co-parenting with a idiot.
Constantly worrying about the child's needs of seeing this father.
Even when his father isn't enthusiastic about seeing his own son.
Continuously wondering if all this effort of pushing our child towards you is even worth it?
Because, in the end, he is the one who will get hurt.
You've been down this road yourself, we both have daddy-issues.
We both know how this will play out.
Either he resents you as he gets older or he will just end up never seeing you.
We both know how this ends, sadly.
i watched her suffer when the first one was going to a medical school,
knew she would spent years ahead in hell trying to defend her,
i watched her suffer when the second was going to college
and she couldn't afford a proper addition course to make her feel more confident,
i watched her suffer when the third was going to follow the others,
and she was slamming herself bones by bones to make sure she had all the sources,
i watched her suffer and suffer and suffer
for everyone but herself,
and if that doesn't enough to break me in every way possible,
i don't know what else will do.
Walking a straight line
It’s not so easy even with a Bible and love for your children
That’s what they say anyway
But my thoughts are not so still
I can still smell salt near the ocean
My breath quickens in mountain air
And I feel humility in every moment
There are no obstacles I cannot recognize
Because the path is my own
All that is required
Is the strength to overcome my sin
What sound cannot be summoned from within
What memory cannot be recalled at will
But I see you watching me
As I watch you
Your distance is the same as mine
I can only wonder if my journey is the same as yours
Could you that I would with you as I could if you would with me
The confusion of a life constructed to endure
The questions of loyalty to decisions already made
It does not mean I could never love you
It only means I do not know where to begin