A few minutes ago I hate myself a bit more than I usually do. I cut my thigh. One single cut, but it was at that moment I realized I was...alone. I can’t tell my mom she’d be upset. Couldn’t tell My brother he’d tell mom. Couldn’t tell My other brother I was scared to. I also wanted to die but couldn’t because of my son and I hated that. I also hated that I hated that. 1 year and 1 month. 13 months. 395 days. Gone. Because I was a weak.
When I wrote this I was a single mom. Now I’m back with my sons father and things are getting better and everything WILL be ok.
My mother, just the mother. Not only a mother, but just my mother and me. My only confidant. My only support. My only defender and play pretender. The only bread winner, my only cook for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Only my mother and me. My mother so much more than a mother. A teacher, my lecturing preacher. A caring and compassionate one of a kind go getter and my best friend until the end. Only my mother and me.
Anger? Perhaps it's something more? Upsetting disappointment? I'm dragging my son down a path I've followed aimlessly as a child. He is following within my footsteps. My path. You wouldn't understand the unbearable stress of being a single parent, with co-parenting with a idiot. Constantly worrying about the child's needs of seeing this father. Even when his father isn't enthusiastic about seeing his own son. Continuously wondering if all this effort of pushing our child towards you is even worth it? Because, in the end, he is the one who will get hurt. You've been down this road yourself, we both have daddy-issues. We both know how this will play out. Either he resents you as he gets older or he will just end up never seeing you. We both know how this ends, sadly.
Walking a straight line It’s not so easy even with a Bible and love for your children That’s what they say anyway
But my thoughts are not so still I can still smell salt near the ocean My breath quickens in mountain air And I feel humility in every moment
There are no obstacles I cannot recognize Because the path is my own All that is required Is the strength to overcome my sin
What sound cannot be summoned from within What memory cannot be recalled at will But I see you watching me As I watch you Your distance is the same as mine I can only wonder if my journey is the same as yours
Could you that I would with you as I could if you would with me
The confusion of a life constructed to endure The questions of loyalty to decisions already made It does not mean I could never love you