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Jun 1 · 27
Found him
Alex Jun 1
What’s a relationship worth?
Everything. A relationship is a tandem activity that lasts till -death do us part-
It’s not one sided. You give then you receive. You have confrontations and you come to a solution. It’s not meant to be hard. Tough at times? He’ll yeah, Maybe. this is new grounds and it’s scary as hell. Never been treated like a princess till now and it’s time I start accepting that I’m allowed to be spoiled with kisses and kindness. I Shouldn’t have to guess that it goes both ways. When you’re in love and find the right person, it’s peaceful, simple. You should feel goosebumps on your skin and heat in your cheeks as your muscles start to hurt from smiling too hard. You get upset by the mere thought of them leaving and giddy when you see him walk down the street knowing he’s yours and only yours and you’ll do anything and everything to keep it that way.
May 22 · 114
Untitled
Alex May 22
I'm not good enough I know this.
I mess up every chance i accidentally get.
  I hurt my body but get in trouble from others.
   I barely see my son
    I cant keep people in my life.
     I want to reset my life.
Quarantine
May 22 · 81
Baby Steps
Alex May 22
There's a mom out there who is staring down at her legs with so much anger and pain she can barely see.

There's a mom, with no proof she recently cleaned the entire house, she tries to calm down her toddler who has yet to sleep.

There's a mom, with tears and a loud mind waiting until she wins back control of her emotions before she ***** something else up.

There's a mom all on her own and no therapy/counselling that worked, she began to build her walls again for the last time.
Tired of judging my every action. Will I ever be enough?
Apr 3 · 26
Lost time; hurt body
Alex Apr 3
Something   happened     to       me
that I don’t remember but
my
body
does
Alex Jan 12
You Go to his house and wait for him until you get tired and say you’re going home but you actually go the library and when I say library I mean the spot in Between mine and your house. The place I stay just Incase you change your mind and come chill. A safe haven I go to because you don’t seem to know how much I want to see you
So I made it our foundation in which we made an invisible mental house
Wrote this then I was ******.
Dec 2019 · 204
Death
Alex Dec 2019
Why is death so evil when
you
try
to
****
yourself?
people turn the other way pretend you didn’t speak those four words
Yet, when others die from other causes
they
cannot
talk enough of it?
Dec 2019 · 144
How?
Alex Dec 2019
How can you love me more than words describe but when I see myself I just feel shame and empty inside?
How can you be so happy to see me but I can barely look in the mirror?
How can you be so afraid to lose me but the mere thought of dying brings a smile followed by tears?
Dec 2019 · 269
13 months since...
Alex Dec 2019
A few minutes ago I hate myself a bit more than I usually do. I cut my thigh. One single cut, but it was at that moment I realized I was...alone. I can’t tell my mom she’d be upset. Couldn’t tell My brother he’d tell mom. Couldn’t tell My other brother I was scared to. I also wanted to die but couldn’t because of my son and I hated that. I also hated that I hated that. 1 year and 1 month. 13 months. 395 days. Gone. Because I was a weak.
When I wrote this I was a single mom. Now I’m back with my sons father and things are getting better and everything WILL be ok.
Dec 2019 · 142
I don’t know..
Alex Dec 2019
I don’t know and nothing is all I feel;
it’s all I think. My muscles aren’t responding or maybe my brain just didn’t tell them to do anything
I don’t know.
My eyes however haven’t stopped flowing. Other than my heart, which I feel being behind my eyes, seems to be working
Nov 2019 · 33
Flesh and bones
Alex Nov 2019
***** food
She has the option to buy any type of food she wants. But what do you eat when you don't want to eat anything? When the numbers on the scale in the bathroom are worth more than any food you put in your body..
Nov 2018 · 242
bpd while pregnant..
Alex Nov 2018
My mind is always playing games but it gets to the point where I don’t know if it’s serious or not.

Am I happy? I just laughed at something but I don’t feel happy. Am I sad? I just thought about suicide again..****. Why do I never wear the same clothes again? Why do I cut my hair so casually as if everyone gets up randomly and shaves their head.. why must I be so care free and then guarded once I have friends? Where did they go? **** I pushed them away again.. but if I try and explain what happened I’ll hate myself because I am a burden..
Nov 2018 · 101
Our Unborn child
Alex Nov 2018
After doing everything I possibly could to keep you, I realized it was not me who was the issue.
You were.
With one seemingly simple choice, you broke two hearts. One all too fragile, that knows loss and love, hate and guilt. And one that has yet to met the world, who will never understand why his dad left him.
Nov 2018 · 287
11:24
Alex Nov 2018
How can I possibly raise a baby of my own when I can barely raise myself?
May 2018 · 347
Mood change 3..2..1..
Alex May 2018
You ask me if I want you out of my life, if you should go
My only response is a stifled sob
At this moment all I can do is cry.
My head is at it again telling me what to do which is not much really.
I am a prisoner inside of this body and when I am like this I hand all controls over like an obidiant child.
I learnt long ago not to fight or argue because that only hurts people
and by people I mean my thoughts and when I say thoughts I mean me.  When I am like this I sit and I wait there’s nothing I can do nothing anyone can do except wait.
If I talk to you when I’m like this  if I express my thoughts nothing will go right and I will just get hurt
May 2018 · 321
To me
Alex May 2018
Even in the shards of a
b r oke n
mirror,
you are still beautiful to me
Late night thoughts
May 2018 · 257
Oh Boy
Alex May 2018
A boy, a smile, a thought.

Your sweet words electrocute my walls that hide how weird I am. Leaving me babbling and embarrassing myself.

A text, a joke, a laugh

Your humour and smart-assy retorts I’ll ask what your doing right now and you will explain in detail how you are sitting and whether or not it’s comfy.

Eye contact, funny face, shaking head

Oh sweet boy you don’t yet understand the game. I stick my tongue out at you and you are supposed to copy. But instead you smile and laugh and look away.
I don’t know what this is but I haven’t written in a while so I need you to write something.
Apr 2018 · 237
Will I? Maybe.. possibly
Alex Apr 2018
Getting high with me is always a game of chance.

Will I be happy? Laugh and dance around with out a care in the world? Be fun to hang around and talk to maybe?

Will I be worried? Start thinking of all the things I’ve said and done wrong years ago.
Start to think that you only do things because you have to not because you want to.


Maybe, I will be sad and hate myself and apologize to whom ever is around me at the time and then apologize even more for apologizing in the first place.

Will I get angry and start crying and yelling at you for no reason and then flat out ask why you are yelling at me?

Maybe.. possibly.. I do not know. It’s always a game of chance.
I don’t mean to be so confusing when high. It all depends on the day.
Alex Mar 2018
“I went to bed
with flowers in my hands and woke up caressing a riffle” -Amanda Frances
Mar 2018 · 224
It’s them.
Alex Mar 2018
What if we aren’t depressed;
What if we’re just the only ones who see the world as It is:
Broken, heartbreaking, beautiful, blind and deaf.
Maybe we aren’t the broken. Maybe they are just misguided
Thoughts
Mar 2018 · 262
When I'm alone
Alex Mar 2018
When I'm alone I shake, I push people away and I hide from the world because I'm afraid I'm going to brake.

When I'm alone I think. I think so much that when I try to remember what I was originally thinking about I can't.

When I'm alone I don't let anyone talk to me. Then I hate myself for being such a burden to them. Why am I like this? Talk to me.

When I'm alone I can't take a shower. Because that involves moving. Doing something I don't want to do.

When I'm alone for too long I shut down. I turn off my iPod so you can't talk to me. I turn off my tv. I turn off my lights as if that will turn off my brain and I lay there. Not moving. Not thinking. No emotion just.... Laying in the pitch black, a corpse that breathes.

When I'm alone it's like going through withdrawal. Doctor says therapy but I say I like being happy. It's worth the pain.

When I'm with you I forget about this. I'm happy, I'm laughing and talking. I am addicted to you. You are my drug.
Mar 2018 · 461
Candle
Alex Mar 2018
I    am    broken.

But not in a sense
of a favourite coffee cup being dropped into  tiny  l i t t l e  shards but,

like a candle that has been lit and relit using all it has to give and now is not able to work.

I am now only pretty to look at. Wanting nothing more to work, to feel the fire inside me.
Mar 2018 · 358
Don't fall Inlove with me
Alex Mar 2018
Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.

Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.

Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.
By: Unknown writer
I didn't write this I found this. I have no clue who wrote this but I didn't. I just love this.
Mar 2018 · 291
Down
Alex Mar 2018
As
the
sun
went
down,

so
did
the
tears
on
her
cheeks.
Thinking...
Mar 2018 · 325
Balance
Alex Mar 2018
Not everyone is meant to
                  live,
But not everyone is meant to
                             die.
Thinking..
Mar 2018 · 300
Abc please help me
Alex Mar 2018
It starts with the thought:
I    want     to     cry.
It's stupid. Let's not do this, not today. Not over some stupid guy.
(He's no where close to being stupid)
A hot tear slides down your cheek, There is no turning back.
Your breathing changes, your chest starts to hurt.
Your lying in bed comforted by the surrounding pitch black
I can not move I don't know why
Crying and shaking uncontrollably
I am paralyzed.
You don't want to move, you don't want to think, you don't know what you want but your on the brink.
It's getting dangerous you have to calm down. Your thoughts are unrealistic, your heart is lying.
Now all you can picture is your death scene and what it would be like to be finally dying.
Mar 2018 · 264
Alice's amusement park
Alex Mar 2018
This girl has a mind as beautiful and big as the world and in the world her fantasies dance, coming to life like an amusement park switch turned on.
Colours and objects and happy kids faces.
But like every amusement park in all the books and all the movies.. It became abandoned. The paint becomes chipped, the rides come to a stop. The fantasies dull and the world begins to crumble.
I have no clue what this is. But feel free to like haha
Mar 2018 · 420
End of me
Alex Mar 2018
Loving you will **** me,
but It's a price I will pay.
To watch and see
how it unravels, and what we say.
Maybe we'll adopt some kids and be happy,
Or i'll move on and get married some day.
Perhaps, without you my love, I'll never know joy.
All I know for certain is loving you will **** me someday.
Feb 2018 · 121
Runner
Alex Feb 2018
she is a runner, no one quite knows her for she always has one foot planted, ready to run if things turn for the worse.
She runs from the unknown and the problems she has, she runs from the boy she loves because she's going to get hurt.
That's who she is, that's what she's become. Her mind is a bully but she never called quits.
Feb 2018 · 245
Useless worlds
Alex Feb 2018
These three useless words
bang against my teeth,
guarded by my lips they want to be released;

I once swallowed my thoughts to keep them inside,
But it seems my naïve heart has kept them alive.

I'm scared they might escape with every passing smile. I need you and want you to be mine.
I love you...
Feb 2018 · 247
6 months of pain
Alex Feb 2018
its been 5 almost 6 months
since I left you,
4 months
since we started talking again.
3 months
since I tried to move on
2 months
since I found out you moved on but that it didn't last
1 month
since I've been dying to tell you that I still painfully love you.
"Time will heal" but it never does.
Feb 2018 · 141
Awful curse
Alex Feb 2018
Her curse
was that she felt
t o o  m u c h,
at times, to the point
where she felt
n o t h i n g  at all.
My mom says it's a blessing and we need more people like me in the world. So full of compassion and emotions. But it's so sad when we get hurt because we feel every     Little      Thing
Jan 2018 · 279
Bridge
Alex Jan 2018
The bridge we created was destroyed by a tsunami of your lies.
Yet I still, -even after the warnings and the storm,  after the damage was done- fight to rebuild.
Jan 2018 · 310
Why so sad
Alex Jan 2018
Reading through the poems
They all seem awfully sad
Everyone sounds so blue
Why does life seem so bad?

My beautiful people, take a step back.
Breathe in, clear your thoughts,
Now focus and get back on track

Stop building up walls
And start building some doors.
Life is to short to stall,
stop accepting what your given and start asking for more.
Life is a ***** but I guess if it was anything else nothing would ever get done.
Jan 2018 · 397
A shower of tears
Alex Jan 2018
A single tear slides down your cheek.
Every morning at 3am the girl decides it's time to rid herself of her pain.
Your stomach is tightening. She would take a shower or rather sit down in the water and cry for an hour. Your throat is closing
Cry for the heartbreak, the hope and chances she gives because in the end no matter how many times she avoids the word she's always going to be just a FRIEND. Your light headed and shivering,
the water is cold. Your numb not just from the water, oh dear; your emotions went down the drain with your tears. You turn the water off. Sit in your towel before climbing into bed and falling asleep with nothing inside your usually chaotic head.
Jan 2018 · 651
How could I?
Alex Jan 2018
I am selfish or I am blind,
Somehow I left your emotions behind.
I never thought you were able to be sad,
You were always oh so happy and I, was always glad.
You were there when I turned around,
You always picked me up off the ground.
So please tell me, why is it that I never guessed
That you my darling love might have been depressed?
I am beating myself up I should have known,
You have emotions too but I was caught up in my own.
I found out that the love of my life gets extremely sad and I didn't even think once! If he ever got sad and to find out (of course we all get sad) that he gets really really really sad and I just never thought to ask him and it makes me sad to think of him being sad so I wrote this.
Jan 2018 · 398
The last shatter
Alex Jan 2018
Tonight was the night you said
The words I've repeated in my head
Tonight my heart dropped
Exploded like a balloon popped
No fixing this injury
Why the hell didn't you listen to me!
I told you to stop, that the words really hurt
You said everything forgetting that I still love you to the moon back to earth.
I couldn't keep it in, at 2:13
Blood rolled down my arm,
Looking like a **** ****** scene
Jan 2018 · 295
Screw New Year's Eve kiss
Alex Jan 2018
We should be together, we shouldn't be acting like this. I blame it on the New Year's Eve kiss.
We were supposed to hang out today, but you went away when I mentioned the New Year's Eve kiss.
We are not dating, this I know, but we aren't just friends either, don't you know? Your making a huge huff about this its just a New Year's Eve kiss.
You're at your house and I'm at mine trying to keep myself from crying. I want this New Year's Eve kiss.
Drinking alone is often better then not. But tonight it is not better.
Dec 2017 · 276
Reoccurring malfunctions
Alex Dec 2017
My body is nothing but an empty shell with echoing thoughts bouncing off my inner flesh.
At difficult times or when under the influence my body will malfunction and do stupid things and my brain will try everything it can in its power to try and tell me not to do things, that I'm going to get hurt. My shell will not listen to anything may it be that it is to stubborn. It does what it wants oblivious to its surroundings until it gets hurt. By the time my brain gets a hold of things it's to late. Look what I've done now. I did something I shouldn't have done. Seen things that weren't meant to be found and heard things that weren't meant to be spoken.
I had this thought for a while I found it in my notes lol if I had written it when I had the idea it would have been better..
Dec 2017 · 871
This Might hurt
Alex Dec 2017
His hands on my hips as he says he can pick me up and I look at him in disbelief but my eyes are daring him to try.
His arms wrapped around me in a playful choke hold as I, a giggling mess, try to get away.
His lips soft but fierce, are smiling  against my neck as I squeal and roll away from him and manage not to fall off the bed.
His voice as he speaks and laughs and sometimes giggles is what makes me smile on the inside.
His heart is trying to trust me but is unsure. His actions are very clear but he is guarded. If I didn't know him I'd think he was playing me but he is trying.

Therefore, I am not giving up.
If I am understanding everything we are doing wrong then there is no coming back from this. I was broken waiting for him. I was shattered when he had a girlfriend now he doesn't and somehow my stubborn and naive heart pulled the pieces back together but one more drop and it will be dust.
Dec 2017 · 1.3k
Love gone wrong
Alex Dec 2017
I love you
I pushed you
I love you
I lost you
I love you
You used me
I love you
You played me
I love you
You said you loved me
I loved you
You lost me.
I can breathe and start to move on.
Baby steps but I'm going to do it.
I'll be okay again.
Right now I'm
Going to enjoy being single ACTUALLY single not waiting for someone.
Dec 2017 · 324
Mistaken
Alex Dec 2017
"IM A *****"
I catch myself saying more often than not.
But oh no,
no no no I am not actually one.
My dear friend,
this facade, if you will, is protecting me from getting hurt by people and expectations, from allowing people to see who I actually am.
A baby in a bee costume does not make the baby a bee..
Nov 2017 · 389
Smile
Alex Nov 2017
Hot tears and bad thoughts
Dark room and bright clocks
Soaked pillow and stuffy nose
Pitch black through the window
Can't breathe, I'm alone.
Please! This doesn't feel like home!
Sad suicidal scenarios in my head
Wish they were my life instead
If there are any spelling errors I apologize.. I haven't slept since 7am yesterday..
Alex Nov 2017
When I think of happiness I think of yellow, but not just yellow. When I think of happiness I see tulips buzzing to life from all the bees that sang to them. I see rainbows and butterflies over a vast country land on a beautiful sunny day with horses neighing their hello's. The sight gives me a goofy feeling. This happiness, It's now tugging at the corner of lips, pulling them towards my ears until my cheeks hurt and then a sound of squealing as I reach a full  blown excited-happiness overload
So the boy I love
So very very very much and am
Fighting for days I never wrote happy things  sooooooo I came up with this
Nov 2017 · 245
Dimples (it's a nickname)
Alex Nov 2017
You called me beautiful, and immediately I thought myself
Beautiful.
How easily your words impact my very being, my thoughts and my world.
Nov 2017 · 285
May I?
Alex Nov 2017
I've been stairing at my ceiling above my bed,
My thoughts are swarming in my head,
These demons for some untold reasons seem to always want me dead,
Please let me sleep instead!!
It's 4:24am and I just want to freaking  sleep!!!!
Nov 2017 · 217
Dream Darling
Alex Nov 2017
Sleep. Sleep away your pain. It's
all you can do.
Nov 2017 · 188
Wish
Alex Nov 2017
It's 11:11,
I'm thinking and wishing to be with you
And you will never know
Nov 2017 · 267
Stupid shook bottle
Alex Nov 2017
I
am
a bottle.
Have you ever
filled a bottle with
Pop so much that it over
flows and sprays everywhere?
Put that into an emotion. I am a bottle. Filled with emotions that
threaten to be spoken, Thoughts that when I try to speak all I taste is fizz. Pointless. When you shake the bottle, you're ruining the way I carefully avoid eye contact and cautiously choose certain words. Ask me what's wrong and you're now opening the bottle. Get ready,
I am going to explode.
Late night or early morning thoughts..

I tried making it into a pop bottle shape.. ****
Nov 2017 · 423
Sad truth.
Alex Nov 2017
I am a campfire cold hearts like to sit around and roast their marshmallows in.
I am used until I am useless.
Nov 2017 · 944
Days with no name
Alex Nov 2017
My days have no name.
People call them:
Monday,
Tuesday,
Wednesday;
But mine are all the same.
How do you tell the days apart when they all seem identical through the window pane?
Never leave your room, wake up to the sun going down, go to sleep to the sun rising then do it all again.
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