My mind is always playing games but it gets to the point where I don’t know if it’s serious or not.
Am I happy? I just laughed at something but I don’t feel happy. Am I sad? I just thought about suicide again..****. Why do I never wear the same clothes again? Why do I cut my hair so casually as if everyone gets up randomly and shaves their head.. why must I be so care free and then guarded once I have friends? Where did they go? **** I pushed them away again.. but if I try and explain what happened I’ll hate myself because I am a burden..
After doing everything I possibly could to keep you, I realized it was not me who was the issue. You were. With one seemingly simple choice, you broke two hearts. One all too fragile, that knows loss and love, hate and guilt. And one that has yet to met the world, who will never understand why his dad left him.
Dear depression, I was 11 when you forced yourself on me. You never introduced yourself or even asked to be friends, you just took over my life. My happy days were gone, you kept following me around making me feel unwanted. I did not want you here. You grew as I grew, creeping into the quiet moments when I thought I was alone. You made me feel like I was nothing. I woke up looking forward to sleeping again - it was my escape. Yet you made my escape so difficult to reach. I used to be so happy when the sun came out shining on my skin as I ran through the yard and laughed, with no care in the world. But that laughter turned into tears, the sun into darkness. My heart and soul cries for help as I try to fight you. You changed me - You keep me in my thoughts. I'm stuck in a dark empty place that was once my self, but now it's gone. You left me far beneath my tears. You have taken my life away. Why can't you just be gone already!!! I do not want you here, I never did! You have taken so much, what else do you want from me?!
I don't want you as a friend anymore. I can't take the constant fighting for my life. You ruined me. You ruined my mind, heart, body, and soul. You come back every time but you never leave. When will you leave me? I write sobbing knowing how much you have damaged me. I want you to leave and never come back.
There's not enough room for both of us. So may the best one win.
i put my eggs on the bottom of all my groceries. i did it last time, and i'll do it again, and i'll still act shocked when i open the carton and they've fallen apart. i'll watch devastatingly as the yolk slips through my fingers; i'll mourn for the money lost, mourn for the eggshells on my kitchen counter.
breakfast is the healthiest meal of the day, and mine is spread across my kitchen floor. everyone walks on eggshells around me, but i stomp on them. i pour bacon grease on my legs; the burn feels good for thirty minutes, but the blisters become unbearable at thirty-one.
i didn't just spill the milk; i poked a hole in the carton. i watched it leak through, like blood seeping through a bandage; i'm crying over spilled milk. i'm always crying over spilled milk.
i want to grow out of this never ending stage of self sabotage; i am the victim, i am always the victim; the child cries wolf and no one in town cares anymore; the wolf can't be found, because the child has swallowed it.
i am no good. my kitchen is a mess, i don't eat breakfast, and i play the victim card like it's the only one left in the deck. my groceries are in the dumpster out back; i'm ravenous -- i'll eat you out of house and home.