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Pax Jul 2017
your disability is never your weakness,
its your greatest motivation
in finding
the strength
just a quick reminders....
a quote
Pax Jan 2016
Doors*  *in the empty Twilight.
I am just a single step away,
Yet never finding the courage
               to just open one of them.


*A thousand sighs as I wait.
I stood still, as I hold into the moments,
Looking, looking, & still looking…

All I wanted is a flickering sign
For me to barge in
without any hesitation
and bleed in accord to whatever
    outcomes that lays within.
there are some doors that you cannot just barge in and take the leap of faith or in our dialect "bahala na". Sometimes you needed to understand it more of what's out there, and feel if its the right time, that you are ready no matter what....
Pax Sep 2018
I fall into the deepest dream.
Hug by darkness, i give in.
Then by miracle i was torn
to be reborn.
it's been long...
Pax Mar 2016
i leave droplets of tears,
whenever &
i write

perhaps ....
Pax Oct 2016
Our humanity has nothing
To do with your ego...*

A quick shout out...
another day at the office.
Pax Jun 2014
Gravity, Gravity, Gravity pulls me away,
Heading, Heading, Heading towards uncertain ways.
Answers are distance apart, too weary worry.

Leave me be, emotions sickness.
You are my pure weakness.

The hologram memories,
Bleeds haunting entries,
Triggered by many entities.

Sometimes it’s just too much
   with just one touch,
Cravings comes in a rush,
   fragile heart being crush.

Knowing you, I must arise
   in the dawn of sunrise.
I raise my hope to be able to cope,
to stop the lasting loop of this urging dope.

*© Pax
Pax Feb 2016
before you'll able
to help

understand your
pain first and

upon listening
you'll reflect
your own,
by then
you can
be connected
to their heart strings...

empathy is a blessing
as it is a burden.
it hurts you more
than it pains them...

just stay
on a steady
then you'll be
it feels like i just translated what empathy means... just in my own words, my own way of understanding...
Pax Dec 2015
As empty as it gets,
I stare and feel the color embrace me.
The abstract feelings that wanted to
come out yet still trapped within me.

I stare on the blank canvas,
Feeling the courage fading,
Losing my mind into vivid colors
      -   Just in thoughts…
Not being able to express them
Is just like making myself aware
that I have no talent in what so ever…

Did I lose my confidence that seeks?
Did I lose the passion that burns?
Did I lose my heart that shines?

Perhaps the cloud of doubt
    blurs many things…

Perhaps the road of uncertainties
    confuses many decisions…

Perhaps the water of creation
    is running dry…

I am losing myself,
     almost giving-up into death’s hands…


I won’t give up,
Mastering the strength of what’s left
To find the muse of life
To keep me going a lifetime…

I owe the inspiration of this piece to this photo:
I can't paint by aartishinde in deviantart

It is what I feel when I can't be creative, there is this urge to create within me or within us all. I think every artist knows that. It's been long, I haven't drawn or paint, I guess i really missed that.

Its a old piece, just wanted to share to you all, share the feeling when you thought your running dry on inspiration. Please don't give up your dream.
Pax Jan 2016
what is enough
when you crave so much

Pax Apr 2018
You've enslaved my heart
before I could ever say
I'm willing.
a quote

I want to say my thanks to my long time friend beth by saying this: your writing searches for truth from our deepest wells of feeling.
Pax Mar 2015

More Structure, Bald Nature.
Intelligences without a Heart of Conscience.
Lost in the battle of Negligence.

4th piece of the series...
all my pieces are just my observation, i can be wrong or right, totally depends on how you see what's around you. Pondering in Rhyme...
tell me what you think?

Thanks to all for reading...
Pax Mar 2018
At most insecurities defines every envy.
a quote, 6w.

not sure either ill come back or not, writing seems so far away. my darkness keeps invading. life's darkness its weakening my defences..

I truly wish everyone is okay here and doing fine.
Pax May 2018
My life is a ****** of luck
in order to have a good life,
Ive sacrifice the blooming
Scent of lotus
Never having
Never falling
only taking
Comfort on the
Sidelines and
Shadowy shelters,
Seems happiness
has evaded me....
I leave with this quote of mine as a reminder for me:

The thing about waiting is
it takes much longer
since from the start
you never make a move.
Pax Feb 2017
We've lived to expressed those wonders
we thought and felt,
in the depths of our emotional journey,  
our words sours
in highs and lows.
a fine balance
at crucial times
equally stable
in fate and its tales.
essence of time
solidify our strength
through choices predicts our
future yet more often
never to the exact extent.
our old sheets may fade
and our ink might run dry
we should never
lose ourselves
even the smallest
drop of hope
creates big ripples.

Pax Jul 2014
Trap in an isolated era.
View me as faceless persona
Of make-belief identities
In this world filled with fantasies.

I write because I am tired,
To pen the burden in this poet’s ride.

*© Pax
Pax Jan 2016
I'm so fond with my failures
that I tend to forget
the little good
things I
its time to
stop loving them
and let go

a reminder,
a quote
Pax Mar 2015

No bad deeds goes unpaid
strings of fate, never lose its raid.

a shout-out, tired, played to be a fool.
I've been played by my employer.
Manipulative and such a liar.
Pax Jun 2018
Doesn't matter who
come first in your heart
as long as I was the one
who stayed
true to my love
for you.

you were never
first love only last as long as you stayed true to your love. sometimes the heart gets tired, it weathers as you stop nourishing its root - neglect and broken trust, a heart can die.

thanks for reading.
Pax Jun 2015
I stop counting my blessing
And start just being thankful
Of each passing day.

I may not be lucky in love
Or blessed with good things
Or great looks LIFE has to offer
But I am fortunate enough to live this LIFE
As good as I wanted it to be.
We are still fortunate. Just me, being optimistic about my life, a start of my new aging life, another year of living a new age. Be thankful.
Pax Feb 2017
The stronger the obstacles,
The greater the will to Pursue it.
I can't find a word to describe this feeling, is it eagerness or will or perseverance or willingness or wishes to pursue it...

This is just a sudden thought of realization between our human nature, i guess this is a common occurrence in life or goal or love or work depending on each situation.
Pax Jun 2014
The beautiful entity that hides in the walls of insecurities,
Drenched in septic opinions.
Purity in a brink of lost from the influence of invisible fears,
Drowning, almost - breathless
Little bit of innocence and its essence, survived!
Making life still worthwhile.

*© Pax
Pax Mar 2017
I am not me like what you want me to be
        I am here like you always wanted me to be
How could I ever be me, the me I want to be

I’m tired of you, tired of crying in the dark.
pretending at the park
                - watching people talk with voices that barks
I feared it will spark an awful reaction stark
So I build an ark -
Sailed away into far,
                      far - dream land
where prejudice & judgment is not in our hands
but in the all caring higher being's commands.

Then again reality is never like that,
So I hide, I stumble, and I fall
     into the gray solace of my patience
The higher being cares, yet you need choices
to stay strong - fight and survived
                        until blessings comes along
                                and heal the dying soulful song.

© 2013
Old notes: "a positive poem I guess - i am not sure it's worth posting. Since the month of June, i became sickly... and i have lost my pen of expression and the courage to write a piece. I always lose confidence, lose my self-knowing that i can... lose everything all together to the overly sensitive soul, then fall into darkness, alone - then come back into the gray solace - never wanting to give up what i hope will come true, someday, somewhere in time."

now looking back at this note and re-reading this poem again, then posting it here, i realized that my driving force in writing is my emotional self, on which right now i feel dull, seems like im losing my will to write, and to cope up with realities barricades...

thanks for reading... hoping you and I can find something in this piece, something good, something nice, something positive to move forward to...
Pax Nov 2017
My life is not fair and square
it's round and grounded.
Hello my friends sorry for being away, for the past previous months i was busy transferring my things exiting saudi arabia... Now im back here in the Philippines finally, its good to be home and the bad thing is im jobless for the mean time which is challenging considering our country's situation as usual.. Thanks for reading...
Pax Mar 2015

Experiences make us wiser,
Learning makes us smarter
All must coincides together
with an open mind to ponder
and a good heart to wonder
--  balancing from right and wrong
  We gain rooms for change
                and more storage
                            to process
      the increasing progress.

With all that often times we waste something good to needful things.

this was part of a one long poem, like the drop of life, decided to share it one by one, starting with growth.
Pax Jun 2013
I buried the star so far as I assumed  it’s dead
My heart turns into shadows of dread
My mind is eating stale bread
Putrid flesh, a cold mess

Illusional thoughts perceptional disease it brought
Nothing but endless drought

A part of me has died and the other is alive
The dead and the living

I cried and I tried
the might I must master to hold-on tight
but I lost my grip and fall into a trip
deep within the hallows of my demons

*© Pax
my demons are my anxieties i am trying to overcome....
that is why i am draw to the lyrics of Florence + the machine - shake it out
it said : looking for heaven found the devil in me....
Pax Feb 2016

I am a terrible liar,
no matter how thick
my masks are...

In this land
I feel out of place.

It's hard when
you're often misunderstood.
I just let it be
succumbing to my faults,
to my insecurities,
to my doubts & fears...

I breathe-in the toxic air
and breathe-it-out...
No matter how much
you cleanse the air
that comes,
when you're
it leaves a scar
that's hard to heal.
Then everything comes
to a choice,
**** or be ******.

I have been good
so far...
Letting the river
never got to swim back
or even fight
the rushing currents.
Pretending to swim is

In the end,
life is  been
despite happiness
is just a mask.

In this land#3

perhaps this is the last part of the stream of thoughts.
thanks for reading me.
Pax Nov 2015
I tried to stop being depress,
and start making friends.
But then…
I build too many walls,
Just to hide my flaws
always fearing they’ll crumble.
In the end I can’t stop my thoughts
when I’m alone, reoccurring questions it sought.
Burdens comes falling,
Rushing like the tide, washing
pushing away
the happy mask
I wore.
I haven't been writing much as of late. Maybe because like the first two lines said. Yes, I did make some friends and bond with them. It's great being able to joke around and laugh here and there... But I know deep down I still built too many walls, they can't see what's there, Perhaps I am too good in wearing this mask, that some people didn't see what's lurking behind it.
Pax Apr 2017
I don't want my life to be
amazing, i just want it
to be happy...
Aren't we all want this? there are some happiness that are short, some takes longer, and some never arrive at all. There are some happiness that  are amazing or simple - big or small... I guess my happiness didn't arrive yet, as i am a late bloomer or very much reserved to the point of being afraid... im still overcoming that.. this thought/quote sprang to mind thinking i don't want an amazing life, with all the luxury or many amazing achievements, i just want to be loved and to love back in the simplest way of life, but i guess its still too much to asked. :(
Pax Apr 2015
I love the idea of someone will be there for me
Yet in reality, I doubt it to be.
Truth that I knew so well
That I am hard to love seems no one can tell.
...sometimes this is what i know...
Pax Oct 2015

Heart is blind without the mind to imagine
Yet the Heart is alive and it beats that speaks our soul
Heart does not function alone
But it's the Center of it all.

Our mind unites the five senses
The mind process what it hears
The mind creates what it sees
The mind evaluates what it smells
The mind appraises what it tastes
The mind senses whatever the body touches
The mind is only a machine without its core.
Heart and Mind connect
Because it's the most important to protect
It's a bond that is part of us ever since we were born
                                                    It beats our fear
                                                     It beats our pain
                                                     It beats our sorrow
Our heart is our soul                    It beats our excitement
Where emotions are stored          It beats our pleasure
                                                     It beats our passion
                                                     It beats our love
It speaks in silence
The mind only speaks what the heart tells
They communicate with a language that is unknown

The mind is neither good nor evil
But the heart is capable of being good or evil
The heart is capable of anything that speaks our nature
Even if your heart is dark as the darkest night
Another heart will give flame to start a light
A flame that will serve as light in your darkest night
This is how I perceived the mind and heart on how they work.

see the link below on how was it inspired.

thank you so much for reading.
Pax Jan 2016
Which is heavier, my body or this heart of mine?

The quantity of the heart is much harder to reassure.
Life is full of assumptions and depressing pressures.
Undecided but I’m riding the ocean waves.
Instinct is my driven force, wanting to be brave.

I walk in a road where the path has a dead glow.
I kiss the shadow of nothing, to endure - I stay low.
Obedient as I am, the ocean is my starting point, down below
       to where I creep and swim in slow-mo.

My feet had grown cold doing what he has been told.
The needy feeling had gone old.

I open my heart to go bold.
Just another piece of my life unfolds.

a friend of mine once said: world will forever indifferent to us, but we always have a choice : be passive to social realities or make an act and define own meaning to help create a better world.

I'm feeling depressed more, that's why i posted this, it reflected on how heavy my heart as of the moment.
Pax Mar 2017
Where does hierarchy begin?
    Is it where the strong is on top,
and the weak step upon?

Where does your dignity be placed?
   Is it where your always be the winner,
no matter what, even it has bitter taste.

Is SURVIVAL really that cruel?
That some of us are just a tool,
a fool for the strong to be cool.

No, it can't be that bad
yet reality is quite sad.

Despite our hard beginnings
Life still is beautiful
that losing isn't everything.

Dignity is placed -
where you respect yourself the most
and Hierarchy isn't important
to where your love is...

© Pax
yeH! a new poem, a longer one and it's been long i haven't rhyme like this. a bit hard when you have limited vocab, my apologies for its simplicity and many thanks for reading.
Pax Nov 2016
In the breeze of cold wind
Shivering in temperamental emotional pondering
I engulf in a journey of motion steering
Who are they who makes head aching problems?
People who succumb to their will, like me!
Suffers a low, unbalance gold fee
I’m widening the patience I have left
Though I’m tired of these awful mess
The aura of fine is at my will
A choice to pay the bills
Its a challenging flight of my well-being
Time is fast approaching for me to be back Home
To feel warm again is what I long for…
The hands of cold oceanic waves paints an empty wall
                                                            ­          In Deep Blue….

Poetry is self-assessment healing process for us poets…

I wrote this awhile back when I was still starting my job here in Saudi. My salary before was enough for me to eat and send money back at home. It was hard, but manageable. The culture here is a bit shocking as it is very diverse... from India to Pakistan to Egyptian to Nepali to Filipino to Bangladesh to Saudi and so on... i guess i got to mingle with each and everyone of them...
Pax Feb 2013
Envision my hope in the eyes of someone too far
In my soul I keep buried too deep
a lifetime isn't enough and forever might be too short
aged comes fast as the wilderness grows in bloom
yet Heart is frozen for my life is only for you

*© Pax
i made this after my friend showed me her painting
this was inspired by her painting
here : hoping..... by Tricia
Pax May 2018
Too many shattered Mirrors
Mirroring my sins.

Too many walls
Hindering my wings.

My growth remains
as silence Kills.

How do you love the
I was never a writer
I was just some poet
Who seek some
understanding in my
understatement @pax

at times I feel so tired...
thanks to those who still read me..
Pax Nov 2014

let go of insecurities and judgment upon self,
embrace acceptance.

© Pax
sometimes insecurites blinds us, and being too critical to self, we often forget to love the blessing we already have,
try to lessen it day by day, until nothing is left to ponder and as you'll see clearly the love and acceptance you are looking for because that is what i do, i still have some issues upon self and upon realizing this, i am learning to love myself a little more than i never did.

or i guess if perhaps its always there(insecurities ), then atleast you'll learn how to manage it  day by day to stay away and stay clear to the path to loving oneself.
Pax Dec 2015
hug me,
so that I'll stop
hurting myself.

hug me,
so that I'll live
another great day.

hug me,
so that I'll stop
being so stubborn.

hug me,
so that I'll be all
warm-up in the holidays.

hug me,
so that I'll stop being
so lonely inside-out.

just hug me,
so I can stay happy...

Pax May 2015
How I lie and break, broken till to the very tip of my bone
I dislike how I ate my own hate, swallowed till it reaches the gate
How the voices preach to breach the barriers of the untouched soul
Purity bleach the acidic preaches of ones owned,
rinsing the putrid echoes of THE hateful stone.

Innocence remains unreached; it’s a battle of everyday presence.
My pure essence survives the life’s impermanence.

Winning and Losing stands in equilibrium.
Life is not as tasty as the sweet brew.
no matter how much you hate yourself, never let the hate reach you heart and destroy you....
Pax Jan 2016
*I cry alone
Because that’s how I stay strong,

I cry alone,
Because that’s how I protect myself

I cry alone,
Because that’s how I stay ahead
of the game the next day.

I suffer my own struggle alone
And you wouldn’t why

I’m hurting inside
And you wouldn’t know why

I isolate myself
And you wouldn’t know why

I’m lonely
And still you wouldn’t know why.

just needed to get this out of my system.

thank you for reading,
with that its all enough...
Pax Oct 2015

I took a pass on how risky love was,
and take the easy road
that was laid upon me...

Then I realize
i miss some chances
on happiness
just to
shape-up a future
that will always be uncertain...

Sometimes I think I made the wrong choices, just to made myself better, ready and stable to someone, only to end up being afraid to love someone, afraid that I might not be good enough, afraid if someone see my flaws they will just leave me heartbroken. Now I am just used to being alone, not wanting to take charge on love, thinking that it is not really meant for me, or nobody would...
Pax Apr 2017
I write not because i seek your truth,
i just do - for someone who seeks
understanding in all the doors we see.

I write not because i seek your pity,
i just do - for someone who seeks
understanding in all tough roads we
go through.

I write not because this is a job,
i just do - for someone who seeks
relief to the burden he has not
spoken out loud.

© pax
Pax Oct 2016
I wrote a poem
hoping to give
it to you, will you
even read it?

I wrote it with an aching
heart, will you
ever read it?

The poem I wrote
was given a melody,
will you, will you
even hear it?

I am not a singer
nor a great writer
but will you
even hear my

will you?

© Pax
raw, i wrote this while listening to "Sia's Soon We'll Be Found"
Pax Sep 2016
Love, i wish you were near
and wipe away
my lonely tears.

Help me achieve a
Satisfying slumber
to swept away
Today's worries
and fears.

Please guide my heart
to never stray
and be braver than
A lions roar,
in your arm's reach
I'll stay.
Seeing someone who isn't there.
Pax Nov 2014

A tear today,
        A smile tomorrow.

I cried today,
         and tomorrow I will be okay.

© Pax
from me to you my friends & passer by: i always remember this.. this is one of my principles.. it was based on my experience.. when my mother died of breast cancer few years back i cried almost every night... then the next morning I could do my task alright not to be too emotionally withdrawn to the world around me, it keeps me focus until it made me feel better.

Just let it out, cry it out, then the next day you'll be okay. :)
Pax Feb 2016
i am lost
i keep tumbling
on the things i can't see.

as i struggle to get up
i heard laughs
faint but i know
its there.

it hurts when i know
the joke
came from me.
i learned how to

sleep seems to be
the only medicine.
so i drench myself
in fantasies
to where i have much

i walk in pain
knowing i can't
let go of something
i have no control.

in a place #1

now you know how much i can relate to the song:
i started a joke by bee gees
Pax Dec 2014
            enough as it is,
I stay in the confines of my comfort,
choices I begun to prolong.
Waiting for something
probably won’t come.

I walk back and forth,
And climbing ladders  
             - up and down,
       an unchanging routine
    draining the life-force
         of my pretend smile.
Sluggishly the plot-holes
       starts to appear
   messing the careful laid-out script
                 I master to act.
Barriers starts to *****, little by little
I gather the courage
   to put the imaginary duck-tape
   to hold them together
       a little while longer
until the final choice, is made sure
without fear and hesitation.
I am starting to put this piece to rest now, I have made my final decision from the long hold of Indecisiveness I felt for the past several weeks or even months. I am quitting my work here in Saudi, and plan to go home this January 2015, back to the Philippines for many months of rest for a time. For three years I've stayed here in this country, it's quite good but the management who handles my employment is really terrible, I can't take it anymore. I know quiting without backing up for another job to transfer into is a not a good idea, still i am taking the risk. I am now willing to start another long journey in job seeking. wish me luck, my friends. Thank you all for reading me, I am blessed to have this pen to penned the execessive emotions...
Pax Nov 2017
as much as I crave warmth
I can't when
my veiws of the world
are much so
A shoutout. A qoute. Alone.
Pax Mar 2017

From time to time
I feel blue
and cook my own stew.
Its bland and
taste good enough
for my stomach.

I knew from the start
that my cooking
isn't really that great
nor it's appetising.
my milk is
I'm not fond of sodas
dislike the fact that
it boils my

Food, for now
they're within
reach, though
must someday
will come -
starvation is

I cooked up a metaphor...
My life in dual meaning.
Pax Aug 2014
Living in this world, often times I feel - claustrophobic.
Living inside their system, often times I feel - restrained.
Living inside a shell, often times I feel so - distant.

Watching my world slowly collapsing.
Watching my reality in slow motion, pretending.
Watching my fantasy more than what’s real, it keeps me sane.

*© Pax
Sometimes when I feel like my emotions is eating me up and my mind is at constant wonder, I can't write or even concentrate. Sometimes I just lose myself into games and videos - watching, never minding about anything else. Just think about that world I am in the moment – seeing, working my mind to ease some negative emotions. Even though some people may think, I'm just laying around, doing lazy things. Actually I don’t like doing nothing. I want my mind to always work and always think perhaps because I just don’t want to think of reality too much. To avoid the things I don’t want to face, or afraid to face. I always mention in my poems about this door that I fear. Someday I’ll be able to open that, someday… (written last: November 3, 2013)

I still feel this from time to time, but bearable, I can make it, still surviving life...
Pax Mar 2017
i was careless
as more often
i am indecisive
i'm used to say
it was me -
faults of my own

i guess i
made mistakes
more than
i can count
  - often they
knew im guilty
if so i let them
misunderstood me

i see it now
it was me
Raw feeling, i wanted to cry earlier, but can't cry to my own stupidity.
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