is there a hole
in this shadow
of deep darkness,
so that
i can just crawl
myself into
and get out of
this mess.

I've driven myself in
to the valley of deserted
Tears.

To where it's too hot,
while living is an isolation.

There's no river nor
lush forest around,
its as dry as the desert
sands, then humidity
strikes your nerves
that you'll feel
overcooked.

The crimson sky
Bleeds of its inking
Beauty...

I on the other hand
solidify my strength
to ease the burden
I carry, as i lift myself
Little by little towards
A meaningful step
For SURVIVAL!

© pax

You were the dimlit star
I am trying to reach.

You've lost much
of your glow
how I wish
my light would reach you, and
teach you
     that in life
you're ever so beautiful.

How the harsh words of the world
barricades you soft spoken heart
into stones.

your disability is never your weakness,
its your greatest motivation
in finding
the strength
within...

Doors*  *in the empty Twilight.
I am just a single step away,
Yet never finding the courage
               to just open one of them.

Possibilities…

*A thousand sighs as I wait.
I stood still, as I hold into the moments,
Looking, looking, & still looking…

All I wanted is a flickering sign
For me to barge in
without any hesitation
and bleed in accord to whatever
    outcomes that lays within.

I fall into the deepest dream.
Hug by darkness, i give in.
Then by miracle i was torn
to be reborn.

i leave droplets of tears,
whenever &
whatever
i write
...
.

Our humanity has nothing
To do with your ego...*


@pax

Gravity, Gravity, Gravity pulls me away,
Heading, Heading, Heading towards uncertain ways.
Answers are distance apart, too weary worry.

Leave me be, emotions sickness.
You are my pure weakness.

The hologram memories,
Bleeds haunting entries,
Triggered by many entities.

Sometimes it’s just too much
   with just one touch,
Cravings comes in a rush,
   fragile heart being crush.

Knowing you, I must arise
   in the dawn of sunrise.
I raise my hope to be able to cope,
to stop the lasting loop of this urging dope.


*© Pax

Why do i feel much and yet experience so little.

before you'll able
to help
others...

understand your
pain first and
confide
to
your
inner
being...

upon listening
you'll reflect
your own,
by then
you can
be connected
to their heart strings...

empathy is a blessing
as it is a burden.
it hurts you more
than it pains them...

just stay
on a steady
phase,
then you'll be
okay...

As empty as it gets,
I stare and feel the color embrace me.
The abstract feelings that wanted to
come out yet still trapped within me.

I stare on the blank canvas,
Feeling the courage fading,
Losing my mind into vivid colors
      -   Just in thoughts…
Not being able to express them
Is just like making myself aware
that I have no talent in what so ever…

Did I lose my confidence that seeks?
Did I lose the passion that burns?
Did I lose my heart that shines?

Perhaps the cloud of doubt
    blurs many things…

Perhaps the road of uncertainties
    confuses many decisions…

Perhaps the water of creation
    is running dry…

I am losing myself,
     almost giving-up into death’s hands…

Yet…

I won’t give up,
Mastering the strength of what’s left
To find the muse of life
To keep me going a lifetime…

More Structure, Bald Nature.
Intelligences without a Heart of Conscience.
Lost in the battle of Negligence.

At most insecurities defines every envy.

My life is a stroke of luck
in order to have a good life,
Ive sacrifice the blooming
Scent of lotus
Never having
Never falling
only taking
Comfort on the
Sidelines and
Shadowy shelters,
Seems happiness
has evaded me....

A repetitive omen
that we learn to avoid
over time.

Doesn't matter who
come first in your heart
as long as I was the one
who stayed
true to my love
for you.

you were never
alone...

i took a peek, then never again.

What's beyond that window
Lies a curse i did, a sacrifice
I took and a burden i carry.

Goodbye lullaby, as i sleep
soundly towards the end.

The beautiful entity that hides in the walls of insecurities,
Drenched in septic opinions.
Purity in a brink of lost from the influence of invisible fears,
Drowning, almost - breathless…
Little bit of innocence and its essence, survived!
Making life still worthwhile.


*© Pax

I am not me like what you want me to be
        I am here like you always wanted me to be
How could I ever be me, the me I want to be

I’m tired of you, tired of crying in the dark.
pretending at the park
                - watching people talk with voices that barks
I feared it will spark an awful reaction stark
So I build an ark -
Sailed away into far,
                      far - dream land
where prejudice & judgment is not in our hands
but in the all caring higher being's commands.

Then again reality is never like that,
So I hide, I stumble, and I fall
     into the gray solace of my patience
The higher being cares, yet you need choices
to stay strong - fight and survived
                        until blessings comes along
                                and heal the dying soulful song.

© 2013

Experiences make us wiser,
Learning makes us smarter
All must coincides together
with an open mind to ponder
and a good heart to wonder
--  balancing from right and wrong
  We gain rooms for change
                and more storage
                            to process
      the increasing progress.

With all that often times we waste something good to needful things.

I am a terrible liar,
no matter how thick
my masks are...

In this land
I feel out of place.

It's hard when
you're often misunderstood.
I just let it be
succumbing to my faults,
to my insecurities,
to my doubts & fears...

I breathe-in the toxic air
and breathe-it-out...
No matter how much
you cleanse the air
that comes,
when you're
stained
it leaves a scar
that's hard to heal.
Then everything comes
to a choice,
**** or be ******.

I have been good
so far...
Letting the river
flows,
never got to swim back
or even fight
the rushing currents.
Pretending to swim is
easy.

In the end,
life is  been
good,
despite happiness
is just a mask.

I don't want my life to be
amazing, i just want it
to be happy...

Heart is blind without the mind to imagine
Yet the Heart is alive and it beats that speaks our soul
Heart does not function alone
But it's the Center of it all.

Our mind unites the five senses
---------------------------------------------------------­---------
The mind process what it hears
The mind creates what it sees
The mind evaluates what it smells
The mind appraises what it tastes
The mind senses whatever the body touches
The mind is only a machine without its core.
----------------------------------------------------------­---------
Heart and Mind connect
Because it's the most important to protect
It's a bond that is part of us ever since we were born
-----------------------------------------------------------­--------
                                                    It beats our fear
                                                     It beats our pain
                                                     It beats our sorrow
Our heart is our soul                    It beats our excitement
Where emotions are stored          It beats our pleasure
                                                     It beats our passion
                                                     It beats our love
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------
It speaks in silence
The mind only speaks what the heart tells
They communicate with a language that is unknown

The mind is neither good nor evil
But the heart is capable of being good or evil
The heart is capable of anything that speaks our nature
Even if your heart is dark as the darkest night
Another heart will give flame to start a light
A flame that will serve as light in your darkest night

My heaven is in you.

Which is heavier, my body or this heart of mine?

The quantity of the heart is much harder to reassure.
Life is full of assumptions and depressing pressures.
Undecided but I’m riding the ocean waves.
Instinct is my driven force, wanting to be brave.

I walk in a road where the path has a dead glow.
I kiss the shadow of nothing, to endure - I stay low.
Obedient as I am, the ocean is my starting point, down below
       to where I creep and swim in slow-mo.

My feet had grown cold doing what he has been told.
The needy feeling had gone old.

I open my heart to go bold.
Just another piece of my life unfolds.

Where does hierarchy begin?
    Is it where the strong is on top,
and the weak step upon?

Where does your dignity be placed?
   Is it where your always be the winner,
no matter what, even it has bitter taste.

Is SURVIVAL really that cruel?
That some of us are just a tool,
a fool for the strong to be cool.

No, it can't be that bad
yet reality is quite sad.

Despite our hard beginnings
Life still is beautiful
that losing isn't everything.

Dignity is placed -
where you respect yourself the most
and Hierarchy isn't important
to where your love is...

© Pax

In the breeze of cold wind
Shivering in temperamental emotional pondering
I engulf in a journey of motion steering
Who are they who makes head aching problems?
People who succumb to their will, like me!
Suffers a low, unbalance gold fee
I’m widening the patience I have left
Though I’m tired of these awful mess
The aura of fine is at my will
A choice to pay the bills
Its a challenging flight of my well-being
Time is fast approaching for me to be back Home
To feel warm again is what I long for…
The hands of cold oceanic waves paints an empty wall
                                                            ­          In Deep Blue….

Envision my hope in the eyes of someone too far
In my soul I keep buried too deep
a lifetime isn't enough and forever might be too short
aged comes fast as the wilderness grows in bloom
yet Heart is frozen for my life is only for you



*© Pax

Too many shattered Mirrors
Mirroring my sins.

Too many walls
Hindering my wings.

My growth remains
  still
as silence Kills.

How do you love the
Unloved?

hug me,
so that I'll stop
hurting myself.

hug me,
so that I'll live
another great day.

hug me,
so that I'll stop
being so stubborn.

hug me,
so that I'll be all
warm-up in the holidays.

hug me,
so that I'll stop being
so lonely inside-out.

just hug me,
so I can stay happy...

A faulty start, I lost all my stars
Personally, I became a recluse
Truly afraid to be abuse.
Envious of some solemn luck,
            In love, I am an ugly duck.
I **** in many ways,
seems no one is able to stay.
                     Its okay.
Just pretend, as you did not hear
            Do not count me, as I am not here.
   Moreover, hide as if I did not know your there.
So do not love me as if you needed me
       Just love me sincerely
       Or else better don’t
       I am better alone - anyways….