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Pax Feb 2017
I'll leave my
Heart here
crying for
something.
Pax Nov 2015
I’m trapped; caged in, hard to get out
words flies, as truth denies
Shame!

Crows flocks in hunger
eating little by little of what you served
Overworked!

Shying away, evasive in many means
caffeinated poison
keeps me
**Awake!
OBSCURE words, Hides many things..........
Pax Dec 2015
Words inspire, Words transpire
They are the writer’s creation
a peak of the writer’s soul

A positive release
Or
A negative outcome

Dull words into creative thinking
Sparkles of wellness
Pure and Raw emotions collide
Reflections of what we imagine
Beginners and new beginning
Flows in a dynamic determination
Empowering its readers
Curious to meaningful insight
Playful art of thoughts
For me
For you
For everyone
To
Enjoy
a 3 year old poem of mine, inspired on how words create art.
1%
Pax Nov 2016
1%
There's something about
Love that you
wouldn't
know.
×
if 99%
of your life
ends up
in failure
that 1%
of luck
for love
is enough
to rebuild
yourself.
I guess in my file i never got that 1%, one of the reason why i wrote "unlucky". I think its enough for me to say this hypothesis. My failures are always on a safe distance to be okay, so even though this is just an observation, i still think 1% though very small, its enough for a person to stay tough and move through to life and love. Thanks for reading.
6w
Pax Jan 2016
6w
there's truth in your
beautiful
lie.

there's a story
in few
w
o
r
d
s.


six word story.
#6w
Pax Mar 2015

~Love~

I never knew that feeling
A word without meaning
…A stranger to what I felt…
Thought it’s strange that I knew it so well

~Life~

I walk by with you as I talk about you
…Existence is a mere essence…
It’s the life underneath my roots
My whole being is defined of what I decide about you

~Choices~

I kept on thinking of you
A mystery in every event I stumble upon
Nonetheless your part of me that i fully submit
Facing and standing still
In all the consequences and risk
I have brought upon,
In the end
Despite all those obstacles
I know deep within me
There will come a time
I’ll be able to dance
…In rhythm of contentment…

~Dreams~

You’re in my fantasy
…You’re in my Jar of unfulfilled wishes…
I walk in your clouds of heavenly sky
Reality slaps me too many times
Yet no matter how painful reality is
I still go to your realm
And dream an endless dream
Of my unfulfilled wonderings
Wishing & hoping

~Alive~

Living is as much as fading
Purpose of what I suppose
Is just another make-up prose
Of my days
Principles are timeless
…Endless…
Old yet golden
Though some are forgotten
throughout the pages of history
faded
But then they're relived now
Through experiences
As life goes on and on
As you live by
In its circling Journey

~Freedom~

I can’t be with you
as I am chained
Much controlled
Much reserved
Much more refined
…As if I’m bound to be blocked…
Locked within a nut shell
I guess being free isn’t allowed
without hard labor



© 2013 Pax

six poems in one
before i told my friends in WC, this piece is a pondering fiction, but to be honest its a pondering reflection upon how i see my life.
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1123175/
hope you like it, thank you for reading.
Pax Jun 2015

Blending in and pretending to be someone
It's been my life for years
I'm just a killing machine for hire
Running and hiding seems to be the right thing to do
It was a failed tasked yet I felt relieved
That will be my last task
To start a new life will be hard
A lot of people now are looking for me
Especially my boss that I must avoid at all cost
Why must I leave it unfinished?
Why must I feel this unknown feeling towards my target?
Why does it have to be you?
It's the first time I felt alive, that I'm not just a machine anymore
Like everything and everyone matters
To you I'm just a human being looking for someone to love and care for

My enemies have come
I'll do my best to stay alive for one day I will see you again
Hoping that you'll be well and happy in your own life

Now I just wanted to share this again as birthday celebration piece,Yup, today is my Birthday, this piece has made an impact to me because it is special to me, this came from a dream of mine, it was vague but still i manage to put it up into a piece. And somehow even in my dreams I wanted to feel alive. Another that made this so special is that it was chosen as Founder’s Choice audio readings
listen here:
http://deviantliterature.tumblr.com/post/17950240130/a-feeling-of-being-alive-by-willyampax-read
"he narrates it with such emotions the way i wrote it."
Pax Mar 2016
why? why do you always see
me as a joke?

why does all my actions
speaks something of the other
to you?

in all your life
did you ever feel
that you're being bullied?

i on the other hand
has been,
always been
the center of
your foolish
jokes...

for several months
i treat you as a friend,
and yet i feel that
you treat me as your
puppet
to feed people as
your entertainer...

have you seen what i feel?
guess not,
i hide it too well
between my laughs
as if there funny
to me,
yet deep inside i
know something
is really wrong...

i wish you knew
how far i've
grown tired
of all the repeated
jokes...

someday
if I can't take it
anymore,
I'll explode
and be secluded
as far away from
your
group...
raw...
Pax Oct 2014

A little life is what I asked
A little love is what I wanted
but you give space
Emptiness I didn't need.



© Pax
Pax Sep 2014
Every Part
        *E
very ******
                  Every Line
                           Every Curve
                                    Every Shape
           to start somewhere
                   and everything else
                                        will follow.


*© Pax
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/985343/
Pax Nov 2014

I wish for the star to shine,
Yet it won’t glow for me,
Unlucky.



© Pax
I just needed to release this, I feel so sad, so tired right now...
Pax Jan 2017
in passing of time,
as we grow old,
as i learned the wisdom
of the good and bad
in the rhythm of life
i stood still -
  in pause,
       waiting
              in silence.
at a passing thought
you'll never know
what's out there -
uncertain in most
                      cases.
in beating the odds
a step yet to have taken
    i only took a detour
for a time, just for a short while
yet I wouldn't have imagine
years has passed never did
i take a step...

dear readers,

i hope you would not think i have such deep regret buried deep inside,   i don't have those as of yet and hope not in the future, it is just that this nagging feeling that you've wasted your time, or i feel like i wasted too much of my time engaging on something  that i did not learn to loved. I'm writing now, because my heart seems to be so cloudy, and feel like crying for no reason... i hope by writing this, i'll find relief on the nagging feeling...

thanks again for reading.
Pax Feb 2015
promise! This will be the last...
but then how many times did you say it?
asked yourself, is moderation in your jurisdiction? 

http://hellopoetry.com/poem/293509/single-doses/
Pax Apr 2015

I bathe in milk
The Ripples along the water are as fine as silk
NO! This is not something I fancy
In life, sometimes you just want to try
In the end we just have to stop the ****** lie.
To live or die
To breathe or just drown
Seems everybody wears a crown
NO! I lost mine a long time ago.
Perhaps temporary is all I could have, so I dare go…
Grab what’s on hand
Never expecting high demand
Then I get lost, soaked
And a little broke
To start a new beginning
Is still out of reach, I’m screeching…
Not in pain but in the cloud that blocks the way
Wishing the fear will stay at bay
Never reaching my awful screeching
Oh CHOICES! I wish I ACTED ON YOU differently
NOT fearing disappointing those who support me.
But hey! What is done cannot be undone
I stand in what I’ve chosen, I never run…
I tried my best to stop my mouth
From reasoning-in or reasoning-out
For your choice is your own responsibility
So I stop blaming others for my problematic probability
I bathe again, in warm water this time
Hoping to wash away the disease that struck me
Faults of my own neglect
Laziness and Tiresome – and its ripple effects
Now I fear I’ll drown…

........... a type of monologues i guess....
partly inspired by this photo:
http://manuelestheim.deviantart.com/art/On-drowning-393658861

a friend of mine hit something when she said:

Sometimes we are all afraid of drowning in the choices we have made. But there's nothing to do but go on. The water of time washes many things away.
Pax Jul 2014
Insecurity* is my *Enemy
Lonesome is my Friend
Emptiness is my Safe Haven


*© Pax
I feel so alone again
I feel so empty yet again
in this safe haven... sigh...
Pax Nov 2016
i didn't know i wasn't enough for you
i tried my best to filled the spaces between us
worked hard to keep something alive
yet i wasn't enough to make your bed happy
and my spark was never enough for you to stay
grounded, even our seedling was taken for-granted.

i should fight, and work hard
to keep the walls from crumbling apart.
though i exhaust all my energy
still it wasn't enough
because despite all
you've lost your
love
for
me
.

i was move by a tv series about an affair of his wife. i knew i need to write something so this feeling would go away... oh, i didn't know when your so attach to a character in a film/tv you'll feel all the emotions and make you go weak... oh, well decided to share this.. thanks for reading.
Pax Jul 2014
My heart is in throbbing tone
My hands are as cold as stone

Sleepless, I become restless
Shortness of air, I become breathless
Controlling emotions seems helpless
An emotional distress

In the realization of my hyperventilation
I get dizzy and sleepy
My mind is on overdrive worry

Voices have strained my mind
And the Echoes have drained my body
Into a slumpy Winnie.


*© Pax
note:
You’ll never know the feeling unless you’ve experienced it. Knowing it is part of healing it - a knowledge about it makes you aware on how to handle it when it attacks... at least that's what i know...

I had experienced it twice that i lost control of my emotions...
Pax Dec 2014
Dear reader,

Have I mastered the art of being sad, making my everyday living slumbering in dreamland fantasy?  Then my reality is in wintry weathery moments that I feel numb from too much cold. Is isolation my best buddy for the mean time? Well those questions will remain in this journal, to immortalize the moment of my depressing situation.

I brought up the transparent duct tape in placed always for people to see the lively image I pretend. Sometimes I’m tired of the choices and expectations I created. Though I never regret all of them, I just find them depressing for often times I wonder did I really make an awful choice.  Still at the back of my mind I fantasize a positive outcome of all those.

Wisdom grows as you aged, Maturity becomes you and Changes have eaten you. Now I wonder did I totally embrace reality or my life in tune with negativity. Despite all this, I will surely survive and live up to the choices I created. Someday I will surpass this in time.

            Thank you for reading…

Your friendly neighbor,
w.Pax :(
prose-poetry(prosetry) pretending to be a journal .

written: January 5, 2013
Taken from my old journals in WC.
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1101340/

An old piece that I can still relate to.. Sorry for not being around much, my friends. been busy for another project (from Jubail to Riyadh), and I was not able to come home, having/earning a living is hard, so I took a chance of a little more isolation. sigh.....

Happy New Year....
Pax Sep 2015

I sit alone as if I am fading
Invisible in the ashen fields.
My heart longs to be somewhere
to where I see myself
Clear as the new day
True to oneself’s beauty
Away from the toxicity of people’s opinion
Or as far away from my own shadow of doubt.

I sit alone & not running anymore.
Losing strength as the wind passes by
Losing a bit of my edge in this unreasonable persona, I face.
Yet I never give a **** as long as I kept on going
Reaching for something Unreachable,
I can only hope…

I want to feel the life of someone’s at arm’s reach
to feel that I am alive
I missed you.

this feels like a follow-up on my 'ashen gray' piece:
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/298918/ashen-gray/
though it is much more in a different road,
a road that i am longing to have..
Pax Jan 2013
My day seems to be in a dark place
It’s like I’m separated and out of trace
Silence is my only answer to the choices I only ponder
My leaves has turn into weathery colors
Ashen gray
It keeps on falling as I keep on growing
My mind is at ease on the bed grass I see
Seems like it’s in tune with my fantasy
Like illusion has come out of my reality
There is beauty in solemnity
But in truth it’s lonely
when you're alone.

I dream of a time I make memories
Great with victories
but then I felt it was not worth it
for achievements are savor to someone you shared with

This place has come to its highs and lows
a moment I borrow in depths of sorrow
I reach out to tranquility
For my patience is my virtue in this painted creativity
Someday I will bear the fruit of my owning glory
Continuing the roots of my existence
Somewhere in time.


*© Pax
Pax Mar 2016
loneliness has defined
this old soul.
Bittersweet melody
has tuned my way of
living.

I don't know how much
my heart could stand
the weight and wait
for that simple moment,
that single spark
to feel alive
and stop breathing
the ashen smog of reality.
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1410725/ashen-fields/
from ashen gray to ashen fields
comes, ashen smog...

do they care if I'm loved?

perhaps I'm too comfortable on my
own space and too confined to be bothered.

thank you for reading,
me...
Pax Nov 2016
if i die,
I want to be content,
Solemn
and atleast happy
not
lonely
A shout out wish.
Pax Jan 2013
You don’t have to be popular to be somebody
You don’t need to pretend to impress anybody
All you need is to be yourself to inspire everybody

you shine best by just being you

*© Pax
Pax Feb 2017
      In contrary of the distance we take.
          Goodbyes are just as hard to make.
        
          I wish the cold will stay away from our hearts.
          It’s our toughest decision we’ve made - being apart.

          I give to you a piece of my soul for you to hold.
          You give yours, I cherish like gold.
        
          Three years is a short time away from each other,
          Yet as long as our hearts are entwine together
          Our love is as sweet as forever.
*


© 2014
"does long distance relationship really last? I think it does for some people, but it is not for everyone. I guess it really depends how stretchable your love is..." ~ pax

it was a prompt for my little book jiffy's love.
Pax Oct 2013
There are many unfortunate circumstances that I felt unlucky
              There are many chances that I left behind regretfully
  There are many wrong choices I felt it wounded me intensely

Despite all that I still believed I am privilege to have this life
          To lived, experienced and learned...
          It is what makes us more human...

But I am tired of being dead
I wish someone could see that,
and see what's beyond my worth...

I believed everyone is worthy of love...


*© Pax
Pax Aug 2016
I was the bird in a cage
who never got to fly freely,
too domesticated to even
fly away
on its own.
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1808354/
Pax Jun 2016
Sometimes life has a
bitter ending.
6word story.

Sorry for being away. Not sure i'll come back as soon as after this post. Ive lost my father just afew weeks ago. And im still in mourning even though i still cant believe his gone too soon from us. My friends and family advice me to stay strong. And i will but im not sure for how long, my loneliness and insecurities are eating me up inside. I can only share a few of my struggles. I was glad that i was able to tell my siblings what my inner struggle but im afraid what are they thinking right now, i know they love me but i cant still love myself, i hate thinking how much i dont like myself. I fear so many... i feel so tired at times without reason.  

Dear papa,

I wish your happy now in heaven with mama with you. I know how much you love her and us. Im sorry that sometimes i am not honest to you or i have put much distance between us when im in abroad working. Please don't take it too personally, i just wanted to be alone for awhile, trying to figure out what i want or need and im still searching in vain. Im sorry that im keeping a little disappointment from you,  thinking that you never cared for me. Because youll always say my sisters this and that, and that all your concerns are about their problem. Well i can't blame you, because when you say are you okay there? All i ever reply to you is im good. Even my relatives told me that he doesn't worry about me, perhaps beause they're thinking im too independent on my own that i don't need much of anything. Perhaps im just too good of an actor that they don't see what im struggling for. Okay, im all good now... ill make my life good as long as i still can. Thank you for being such a good father, ill miss you, goodbye...
Pax Nov 2018
you lure me like
a mosquito
craving for your
blood
starving
for your
love.
But then
like any other
insects
you fear
Me.
Pax Jul 2014
Blood soaked hands in the land where I am forgotten
          -   The **** amongst the fallen.
I am the coward amongst the monster.
      My plea for strength didn’t matter,
        for every challenge I get weaker.
More scared than I was, so I hide fast.

As I flee, never did I enjoy any glee.
Freedom is not free.
In this land I bleed with my creed.
****** me!
|
Yet I don’t mind, I am just one of the foolish kind.

*© Pax
being the ****, being the lose end, sore loser... dark poetry.
Pax Mar 2016
In camouflage,
i dodge those*
bullets
...
.
six words story
Pax Nov 2014
Horror speaks in silence
    and Fear speaks in signs
              it’s written on my face
                        and on the faces I see.

How did I end up here?

A masked man brought us food.
The smell of it drives us mad in hunger.
We eat like we're crazy.
Devouring it like messy animals.

I see the eyes of superiority
            in the sight of the masked man.
I look at them with deep curiosity.
He looks back with a look of intent.
Deep blue eyes inspect the whole me.
then I realized, everyone, including me
            wears nothing but just two pieces of
                                                      undergarments.                
I quickly cover my well-being,
then he just walks away.

I felt ***** ,
            Weary,
and Cold in this rusty dark place.
Where are we going?
Our future is uncertain.
I felt that our life is for sale,
like animals going to be slaughtered.

Sleep is taking my reality
Hoping that dreams will wash away
            the fear, horror and uncertainty along the way.                      




*© Pax
written May 21, 2012

Justice is blind when money talks
people who treats women as a pleasure tool is just cruel
this poem tackles about white slavery

This is reality, weather we see it or not. A sad case that still keeps on going around the world.

I thank you all for reading.
Pax Jan 2017
There are days
inside the shelter of my core
it rained and most days are cloudy.
In my core I’ve wish the sun would shine
at day, and the star will glow at night, after
a
l
l
*
t
h
i
s
time
it never did
anymore
like before.
i still have lots to learn in this concrete poetry thingy, because i really wanted to formed it like an umbrella, looks like i failed, it looks like a lampshade...sigh...thanks for reading.
Pax Apr 2016
I am the clown
In this town.

To where i am the center
Of their teasing
And jokes
As if they never see me
Frown.

All they see is my
Joker's hat,
That everything
They throw
At me
Never hurts.

I guess that's all i
Ever be...

Perhaps it's my fault
For letting them think
That way,
I never fight
A war between egos.

Silence and smiles
Are all i ever
Masked
Myself...
So tiring to pretend that their jokes never hurt...
Im crying inside my friends...
Pax Oct 2016
In my entourage
people laugh
I got used to it.

In my center stage
I was the comedian
who never likes
his job.

In my closing remarks
their entertainment
was fulfilled.
I on the other hand
got drained
from my mistakes
turned to be pretty
funny,
never was that
my intention.
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1630227/clown-i/

i guess i got used to it, being laugh at. a job that im forever tainted
well its okay, im good, im still strong to pull through, soon I'll get
out of this....

thanks, for reading
sometimes we just
needed to let this out
of our system...
Pax Aug 2014
In a moment I knew I am cold
I began to prolong
The things I got used to
Never minding the numbness
And  the blasted frost bite.

I guess I got used to this feeling
    the make-shift of emotions,
Never falling.


*© Pax
one of my latest piece(August 17, 2014), a friend said: "We, humans are strange being, we sometimes love to prolong our agony instead of confronting it and get done with it."
Pax Apr 2017
In the weirdness of things I burn-out my own will
Begun to suffocate the breathless breathing.
Slowly I’m becoming dead,
the strength I held is not my own.
I still go on, like everything
didn’t seems to matter anymore.

In the commotion of emotions,
Fear is like fuel to my fire –
A spark that kept me block.
Lock on my own isolation,
prisoner of my own dominion.

I wish for the star to shine,
Yet it won’t glow for me,
Unlucky.

© Pax
this was the complete poem of this little piece:
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/959592/a-star-wont-glow/
2014 - old work of mine. But there was a commotion of emotions this week, I was sick with Typhoid Fever, I've eating something cheap and gotten me sick. It was frustrating, so alone for two days, its hard even to eat something. when you're in abroad, living alone, its hard to get sick.. even with a roommate, they would not care for you unless your dying. SO i just slept it all up, still in the end you get up and fend for yourself, pick up your pieces even your body is at the weak state. I guess this is adult life with no one to lean on to. sigh..
Now I'm a little better.
Pax Mar 2015

Complicated right and wrong,
human mistakes gone prolong.
hard to stop when truth hides
                     from many unseen lies.
Corruptions & conspiracies
        Mimics love for money.

Population demands increase
                and supply decrease.
Shortage of goods from over consumption.
Rare find in a brink of extinction.

sorry for being away, having some troubled thinking here, so here is the third one...
thanks for reading, I'll get back to you all....
tell me what you think?
Pax Jun 2017
you don't know how to carry
the burden of being alone
you can try by pretending
to have company.

But in the end of the
day, sleep
is your
best friend.
just a simple shout-out to self
Pax Dec 2015
The fringes of fate frozen my fingers upon reaching you

………But destiny’s hands are within my grasp…

Then I used my mind’s free will to take hold of it and reach you

Together I’ve achieved fulfilling joy with you at my side

.....…towards a journey to Contentment’s path…

September 25, 2012
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1042743/
This was one of those poems that I am happy to say, I didn't write a sad poem today. That's what I say last time, been very busy as of lately...
Pax Feb 2017
Most corrupt people
are already rich,
their hunger is much
harder to satisfy.

*


© 2013
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1256386/

I believed in Karma
But often times I think many powerful people has avoid it
By merely starving the hungry.
Karma is good, yet it takes time, longer or shorter it may seems…
It always starts in small doses.
Pax Oct 2014

In my darkest days, I held you beneath my warmth.
You indulged me with your feverish hunger.
You embraced me with your piercing emotions.
You were immune to my changeable disease.

I came to a realization that you were my muse,
the best rainbow I received……….

You told me that I was part of your soul.
To me you’re the fuel to my rusty engine,
The energy to my thirsty being,
And the light of my darkened soul.


© Pax
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1031383/
Pax Jan 2017
my writings are my own darkness,
my own little room  -
its a lonesome
space.

in here i crouch
and see the nothingness
as i drown myself
in the stillness it brings
and the numbing
silence
i surrender...


@pax
Pax Oct 2016
i lean in to the darkness
inside of me
not to the people
that give it to me.
Darkness I : https://www.instagram.com/p/BK3eU5OjY9w/?taken-by=willyampax
Pax Nov 2016
My heart fell
from the sky
down to the
darkness
it fall.

Now i got used
to not seeing
much of
anything
despite
the dimness
of the faint light
i still have.
part of my darkness series.
Darkness II :
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1778759/darkness-ii/
Pax Nov 2016
is there a hole
in this shadow
of deep darkness,
so that
i can just crawl
myself into
and get out of
this mess.
raw. my darkness series.
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1804662/darkness-iii/
thank you for reading.
Pax Jun 2014
Damnation of the Mind
In Society’s eyes, I commit a Crime.

Freedom mistook as a Sin
“For I’m always right”, says the Red Queen.

I scattered my scrappy writes
In this forest full of lies

I am as good as dead
For I am never needed
***** to the bone
A far away star, I am alone.

“I am your salvation”, says the Holy King
I oblige for that’s what I think is right, Lamenting
Oh, Holy king, I can’t stop wondering
The man made crisis keeps on repeating
Driven by powerful Need
They hunger for what they don’t Need

I am in a brink of exhaustion
Many hides in the facade of beautiful illusion
Creation for an easy solution

Abundance is slowly fading
Our soulful purity is slowly dying.

*© Pax
Pax Mar 2017
I've saved you once
Yet i wouldn't say it
You may not remember
But i would
You may forget me &
I may forgot your name
Still the deed was done
& the vibrant effects
Lingering like it was yesterday
I'll always remember.

About a good deed we may forgot, but sometimes it lingers, an essential good nature you always have in your heart.
Pax Apr 2017
I've driven myself in
to the valley of deserted
Tears.

To where it's too hot,
while living is an isolation.

There's no river nor
lush forest around,
its as dry as the desert
sands, then humidity
strikes your nerves
that you'll feel
overcooked.

The crimson sky
Bleeds of its inking
Beauty...

I on the other hand
solidify my strength
to ease the burden
I carry, as i lift myself
Little by little towards
A meaningful step
For SURVIVAL!

© pax
I wrote this as a means to remind myself for the beauty of life.
Pax Apr 2018
You were the dimlit star
I am trying to reach.

You've lost much
of your glow
how I wish
my light would reach you, and
teach you
     that in life
you're ever so beautiful.

How the harsh words of the world
barricades you soft spoken heart
into stones.
thank you all in reading my lightly lit star in my so dim world.

ive secluded much of my world into the four corners of my home, hated to see how harsh can the world judge me. also hated this part of me, a coward. I needed to remind myself of this feeling to move forward even a little step will do.
Pax Jul 2017
your disability is never your weakness,
its your greatest motivation
in finding
the strength
within...
just a quick reminders....
a quote
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