Truly i wish ill find you.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/willyampax/1266662/

a friend of mine once said: world will forever indifferent to us, but we always have a choice : be passive to social realities or make an act and define own meaning to help create a better world.

I'm feeling depressed more, that's why i posted this, it reflected on how heavy my heart as of the moment.

yeH! a new poem, a longer one and it's been long i haven't rhyme like this. a bit hard when you have limited vocab, my apologies for its simplicity and many thanks for reading.

remember:
Poetry is self-assessment healing process for us poets…

I wrote this awhile back when I was still starting my job here in Saudi. My salary before was enough for me to eat and send money back at home. It was hard, but manageable. The culture here is a bit shocking as it is very diverse... from India to Pakistan to Egyptian to Nepali to Filipino to Bangladesh to Saudi and so on... i guess i got to mingle with each and everyone of them...

i made this after my friend showed me her painting
this was inspired by her painting
here : hoping..... by Tricia

I was never a writer
I was just some poet
Who seek some
understanding in my
understatement @pax

at times I feel so tired...
thanks to those who still read me..

Thank you for all those who still read me. I am not as active as I used to be, to write and read, alot. Perhaps I became the star who lost all will to light up or the mandane things got me numb in many things. I am sorry for that.

this one is the continuation of the previous piece...

me trying to be positive in all things...

just needed to get this out of my system.

thank you for reading,
with that its all enough...

~ I am musing with the world's sadness, a reflections of my own as well...

i always say this: emotions are very complex and as deep as the vast ocean. A fragment of my soul... so i am thankful to all who have read me and my journey...

Seeing someone who isn't there.

A fictitious write, me dreaming, kissing something forbidden. Many thanks to those who read.

Sometimes I think I made the wrong choices, just to made myself better, ready and stable to someone, only to end up being afraid to love someone, afraid that I might not be good enough, afraid if someone see my flaws they will just leave me heartbroken. Now I am just used to being alone, not wanting to take charge on love, thinking that it is not really meant for me, or nobody would...

from me to you my friends & passer by: i always remember this.. this is one of my principles.. it was based on my experience.. when my mother died of breast cancer few years back i cried almost every night... then the next morning I could do my task alright not to be too emotionally withdrawn to the world around me, it keeps me focus until it made me feel better.

Just let it out, cry it out, then the next day you'll be okay. :)

in a place #1

now you know how much i can relate to the song:
i started a joke by bee gees

I am starting to put this piece to rest now, I have made my final decision from the long hold of Indecisiveness I felt for the past several weeks or even months. I am quitting my work here in Saudi, and plan to go home this January 2015, back to the Philippines for many months of rest for a time. For three years I've stayed here in this country, it's quite good but the management who handles my employment is really terrible, I can't take it anymore. I know quiting without backing up for another job to transfer into is a not a good idea, still i am taking the risk. I am now willing to start another long journey in job seeking. wish me luck, my friends. Thank you all for reading me, I am blessed to have this pen to penned the execessive emotions...

A shoutout. A qoute. Alone.

I cooked up a metaphor...
My life in dual meaning.

Sometimes when I feel like my emotions is eating me up and my mind is at constant wonder, I can't write or even concentrate. Sometimes I just lose myself into games and videos - watching, never minding about anything else. Just think about that world I am in the moment – seeing, working my mind to ease some negative emotions. Even though some people may think, I'm just laying around, doing lazy things. Actually I don’t like doing nothing. I want my mind to always work and always think perhaps because I just don’t want to think of reality too much. To avoid the things I don’t want to face, or afraid to face. I always mention in my poems about this door that I fear. Someday I’ll be able to open that, someday… (written last: November 3, 2013)

I still feel this from time to time, but bearable, I can make it, still surviving life...

Raw feeling, i wanted to cry earlier, but can't cry to my own stupidity.

raw, i wrote this while listening to "Sia's Soon We'll Be Found"

Dear Reader,

When i was young, i dream of many things. I guess in life our paths its never or would be as expected. It doesn't mean we or i have live full of regrets,  perhaps there's some but not entirely all. Granted we're young and foolish in choosing which way. Still me on the other hand, I waited, I choose what's safe and what's given. Perhaps I was indecisive on what i want, or i was too fearful of failure on disappointing them and also maybe myself as well. I never would have expect that I could hurt myself more than what people's darkness had brought upon me. I fear that when I reach 35, and I'm still alone, I might lose my mind. I really wanted to quit my job here and find myself. I think I've been confused and lost for quite some time now. Writing seems to brought up what's needed to be done, that's why I'm doing this. Recently I've been reading online books and watching some films/TV just to ease my restless mind, relieve me on my sadder thoughts. I tend to sleep more over the weekend, atleast there I can be whenever I have to be. But all this escape are just an excuse for me to live on. You know I've erase all my childhood memories, or its just the way it is as we grow we forget those distant past, yet one thing that remain that i still wanted, a family of my own. I dream before that I have a simple white house with my family, one or two child, and i have a stable job while my wife stays at home. A cliche isn't it? I guess since before I only want the simple things. Now I never would have guess its that hard to achieved when you know there is a rock that blocks the passage way in your heart and there's a hidden wall of fear in your mind. I guess you can tell that I know what to do, but didn't do it. Perhaps all of us needed more time, more courage to be ready. All I think about; 'Risk is never easy'. Once I step I retrack back, doubtful, fearful of what i thought are the consequences. Sorry reader if I am quite vague on this journal, this is just tib bits on what's on my mind here and there... I'm thankful, when you read this, that alone is enough, because I myself need to understand all what's written here, to understand my inner self more.... I just end my jibberish here for now...

Your friend,
Pax

There are too few good doctors now a days. This is just how i feel in my country.

When I was growing-up, I was different, in a way i speak, walk or talk. Yet physically i was just a normal boy growing up knowing nothing on how the society works. I was confident to what i like and don't like, then been bullied  or humilated by doing it, because it was not the norms for a typical boy. Then I became fed up with it, that in my teenages years i learned to be alone and be alone, trying to fix something that didn't need fixing. Life goes on in my teenage year, still being bullied until in my collage years that i learned which to ignore and to which to defend. In result to all this i became a loner, choosing wisely when to socialize when needed to or else i rather be alone. That is why also i never care finding someone anymore, i find comfort in my own space.  Being Old alone is not such a bad thing anymore, we all go there in some point in time.

To conclude my personal journey, I guess being bullied physically or emotionally has/have a long time effect. It will scar you, but it will never defined you, you'll get strong as you understand the viewpoint in perspective, life gets better when you know how to live a good life.

raw
"siya na yung may kasalanan, siya pa yung may ganang magalit and mag damdam. ang kapal, talaga..."

Now I understand that Bullies have low EQ(emotional quotient). They just tend to have fun at you all the times without realizing that they've done too much. It been long i haven't wrote something like a journal. I just want to release this thoughts running on my mind.

so it doesn't hurt anymore.

6words story.

-six word story-

I've seen far enough superficiality in this world. That's why I don't ask much advice from anyone in the outside world. I've decided to look for them myself. A friend who understand without saying much at all, is a treasure.

Sometimes its tiring to be just the light. You never got to see my darkness, because you were not there.

being me, is not easy, being a loner is hard, its not as easy as you can open up to anyone.

A quote

raw

a little light will be okay...

in this world #2


thank you for reading
me...

Sorry for being away...

I missed writing...