The search for love should not be played;
what a sick and twisted game
you are forcing me into

I should not have to strategize my next move
in fear you may surpass me
on this ridiculous board

I should be able to move swiftly without thought or worry
about who is winning or losing
Because we will either both win or both lose

No more childs play;
it is time to grow up
because love is not a game

Oh boy number 13
they say it is an unlucky number
and you sure are living up to it
but nothing different than the 12 others

Boy number 13
you fall asleep in my bed
like every other
no respect given
only *** driven
it is inevitable
isn't it a given?

Boy 13
don't you have anyone else's time
you could be wasting
minimal effort
I always seem to be tasting
the same pattern
I am always tracing

Boy number 13
It is time for you to leave
please
it doesn't come with ease
because I am so desperately lonely
But what my heart doesn't
my gut sees
don't be a tease

A concert I attended
where a boy sat near me
I was intoxicated
and with fake confidence
I turned to him to see
gentle eyes
a soft face
and lips I couldn't ignore
We didn't hear a single song
when the night ended
we knew we needed more

So far away he lived
but our souls knew we should be
I had never felt like this
no one has ever gave me the looks
he would give me
So genuine
so kind
But the distance was an annoyance
it wasn't good to his mind

Another spring on it's way
I was thrilled for that cold, February day
to once again
see that boy I met
off we would go
to a DJ set
Our love that night would quickly grow
only to know
in a few hours
separate ways we would go
too much kissing
I don't remember that show

Summer is now ending
our love
forever pending
A festival we would meet
our love wouldn't be discreet
Mac Demarco
our favourite man
in the setting sun
holding my hand
we both stand
to the beautiful sounds
on this historic land
You look to me and say
I can't explain
how you brighten my day
there is something different about you
and I told you
I feel the same way too
No one has ever looked at me
the way that you do
And with that
the sun had set
separate ways we would go
until the next show
always wondering
always wanting
but I may never get to know

please,
do not compliment me
or speak in tongues of hope
because I am not worthy of such reassuring things

I am constantly reminded by every other
that I need to work
for worth
and I haven't even
punched in
on the clock
with you yet

so instead of letting me relax
and ease in gracefully
put me to work like a slave
because that is all I know
and anything else
must be fictitious

they say,
if something seems too good to be true,
then it usually is.

which makes me
hesitant about
the way you seem so interested in
every part of me

it makes me
so skeptical
that the stories you are sharing with me
are in fact
non-fiction

I have become
so cautious
that your words are genuine
and your intentions are indeed
pure

dare I risk
making myself vulnerable
when I have no clue
if you're like all the others

allowing someone to like you
makes you vulnerable
to when they choose
to no longer like you

so I beg of you
please, do not to like me
because
I know
in the end,
it will be painful
for me

must avoid at all costs

my licence expired
my passport expired
my father lost my sin card
my father lost my birth certificate

on paper,
I do not exist

so now,
all I need to do
is physically not exist

online dating,
love is what I am hoping to seek
conversing through technology
having hope
that some day,
face to face,
we may speak
hobbies and morals spewing,
we let our excitement easily leak
filling in that lonely gap
3 days in
is its peak
then slowly declining
these "relationships"
end with the week

I can feel it deep in my bones,
the day is coming very soon.
It has to be under a willow tree,
probably some time around noon.
My aching soul can't take much more,
my plan is
pills
*****
rope;
I am excited for my soul to soar,
I have lost all hope.
For each that I care,
I will leave a letter of love.
I will explain my admiration for them,
explaining how I wish I had gotten better,
but now I will always be watching from above.

This day is coming very soon,
under the willow tree.
I will finally feel everything at ease,
my soul will be freed
while someone finds the shell of what used to be me.

I go to a job where I am alone all day.
Then, I go home to where I am alone all night.

I can't tell if I enjoy being alone,
or if I am so used to it,
And I have no option but to enjoy it.

I hate
that I live
vicariously through
characters
who fall in love
for the first time
in movies.

So innocent, so naive, so pure.
Utter curiosity.
I remember it all too well,
never to experience such a sensation again.

So I am going to continue
to live
vicariously through
characters first love
in movies
so I can
bring that feeling back,
for a split second,
even if it is faulty.

It has been so long since I have had any sort of physical contact with someone,
that,
when the little, fragile woman
hemming my pants,
accidentally grazed my ankle,
while placing the pins,
I had almost mistaken it for some sort of affection.

I love observing a stranger's mannerisms,
they tell a story of their own.

I refuse to make any eye contact with strangers
Because for that split second,
We are connected.
I penetrate into their soul
And sense everything that has ever,
And will ever,
happen to them;
I feel far too much
And it is beyond overwhelming.

First year of college
I took a side class
on a topic I've always liked.
It was with a lively, genuine, wise teacher;
it was the happiness of psych.

Before college, for many years
I suffered from anxiety.
I would try to be mindful,
understanding why,
but it always got the best of me.

This teacher, spoke many words
but there was one statement
that I deeply heard.

She said:
The only thing you can have full control over
is how you  react to things out of your control.

And in that moment
I had an epiphany.
I had control over
how  everything affected me.
And since that day,
how grateful I have been
to finally live my life
anxiety free.

on autopilot all day
then the moment the sun goes down
the lights go off
the eyelids shut
the pilot finally takes control
and starts a long, vicious nosedive
into the icy cold ocean of thoughts

Oh dear lord, I am excited for the day I finally earn respect
Unfortunately, so unfamiliar to me
I pray my body doesn't reject

Oh how thrilled I will be to finally learn to trust
My soul is extremely vulnerable
It is something I yearn to experience, it is a must

Oh my, I can't contain myself! One day I might deserve love
to feel so much warmth from someone
that is the emotion I want to feel the most of

It is a pathetic amount of hope I have
to experience all of these sensations
I did not think I was asking much
I am writing this out of desperation

for 3 years,
you infected my thoughts, my body and my soul.
Now you run like you've run from everything else;
avoiding your feelings and the consequences
of your own stupidity.

Maybe one day,
even 25 years from now,
you will finally clue in
the amount of sorrow you brought to someone's life.

Dear mum,
I was aware that you were hesitant with me
I could sense it since I was new.
I still have dreams of being suffocated, mum.
I always wonder if this is because of you.

Dear mum,
at the age of three, you gave a little brother to me
But I knew I'd starve for your attention.
How I wish you could have noticed my sorrow, mum.
How could you ignore my desperation?

Dear mum,
as time passed on,
I knew I was alway second, mum
you liked to make it obvious,
something I never could grasp,
one of my most difficult conundrums.
I longed for your love, never to receive
but instead shame and guilt
you would bring down on me.
Your words more painful than your hands, mum,
as brother would watch with a smirk.
the missing comfort of a mothers love
I knew if I wanted it, I would have to work.

Dear mum,
I am a young woman now
and I am tired of trying to prove to you
the things you seem to be unable to see
the smart, caring person I have grown into.
Now that you are older mum,
I have little to give to you.
Now you are starving for MY love, mum
and I don't think thats something I can do.

I pray one day you won't be so ignorant, mum,
of the things you continue to put me through.
I hope soon I will be good enough
so I can learn to love you too.

Why did you choose me
to fake love?
Is it because you can smell my vulnerability?
My hope and innocence?
Or is it my body and ignorance?

In three years, the words have never left your mouth
never grazed your lips
but by the way you touch my hair,
look me in the eye
and with your manly hands
gently hold my hips
I know your actions are speaking louder than the words
you will never say
Oh I know, it is hard to admit to yourself that you feel this way

The sorrow I feel waking up next to you
knowing you're not mine
that you go out
looking for others to woo
Words cannot describe the pain it puts me through.
And yet, I love you.
What's even worse, is that you know I do.

Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my body in fabrics and threads
Hiding my skin and the truth

Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my face in creams and makeup
Hiding my blemishes and the truth

Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my sorrow in fake tales and smiles
Hiding my deep pain and the truth

Then,
I am out the door
Ready for the world to see my facade

My soul aches at the thought that
I may never
be looked at like I am beautiful

My ears ring at the notion that
I may never
be touched by reassuring warmth

My head throbs at the concept that
I most likely
will never get to share my secrets and dreams

My body shivers at the knowledge
of knowing that
I will never be kissed purely and deeply

My eyes swell with the tears that are aware
of the inevitability that
I am utterly invisible

I am exhausted from meaning nothing to everyone

I wasn't worthy of any mans attention
yet he saw the beauty in me
we would lay in the tall grass
silent but the breeze
the sun warming our naked bodies
all of this comes with ease

bare foot in the back fields
of the barn we called home
paints, brushes, canvases
into the woods, the stream, the orchard
we would roam
and paint the beauty we saw
in the nature
in each other
naked and raw
so young
only seventeen
no limitations
we were opened minded and adventurous
we were free
we couldn't fathom how our souls had come to be
we would toss amongst the sheets by the fire
our bodies fit together so beautifully

time would slip by and to him
I was no longer magical
my red hair and pale skin
my average cooking and my eccentric ways
it all seemed too impractical
I was no longer good enough
no matter what I did
I was no longer what he wanted
I ran through that back fields and into the woods;
I hid

At only twenty years old
he had my soul
and with one last glare
one last stare
he returned it back
damaged, bruised and black
the end is inevitable
first love, so genuine and pure
forever I will be searching because
this aching soul craves a cure

The worthiness of me to men is non-existent
so I will share you my resentment

A man came into my life
When I wasn't worthy to others
Yet he saw the beauty in me
We would lay in the tall grass
Silent but the breeze
The sun warming our naked bodies
All of this comes with ease
The end is inevitable
First love, so genuine and pure
forever will be searching because
this aching soul craves a cure

Next was a man
Who was calmer than the sea
So few word's spoken
Never to be seen around with me
Weekends of whisky
Not to leave my room
Dancing naked, playing records
I knew I was temporary
I knew it was doomed

Then there was a college boy
Who brought me to his room
We smoked blunts, watched movies
I told him it was too soon
He claimed that I was perfect
In time, touching my curves
Like the clouds softly grazing the hillsides
Making human art in his bed
Like natives dancing on their reserves
But I could sense his coldness
I saw no emotion in his eyes
So on my walks home
I would beg to the skies

A concert I attended
Where the next boy sat near me
I was intoxicated
And with fake confidence
I turned to him to see
Gentle eyes
A soft face
And lips I couldn't ignore
We didn't hear a single song
And when the night had ended
We knew we needed more
So far away he lived
But our souls knew we should be
I had never felt like this
No one has ever gave me the looks
He would give me
So genuine
So perfect
So kind
But the distance was an annoyance
It wasn't good to his mind
And so little efforts were made
And I was left astray
Always wondering
Always wanting
That perfect boy from the show
But I will never know

Why can't I find one who cares
One to feel, one who is real?
Please find me someone
Who wants love like me
My soul is aching
I'm painfully lonely