objectivity
its so clear
all lined up and logical
do this then that then that over there
of course, of course
just do it
simple as that

theoretically
its so easy
all planned out to the t
do this then that then that over here
of course, of course
just do it
of course, of course
have you done it?
of course not

despair
its happening more and more
i invited it in
not expecting it to stay
but it set its luggage down and laughed
“i never stay less than forever”
i dont have what it takes to accommodate it
ive already run out of supplies
i cant afford anything more
but its still here
it still is demanding more
and more
and more
and i have to take from myself
i dont have much left to give
it doesnt take no for an answer
gods i wish it was just me myself and i
and not me and despair and nothing at all

and I fell so hard
I broke all my dreams in half
lost my motivation in the fall
couldnt pull the string
to a parashoot I didn’t have
  
and I fell so long
I forgot the sky
chasing its reflection
into the depths
of an unmoving ocean
where I made my home
knowing water was not air
  
and still I watched the sky
warped and filtered through
waters not made for me
thinking I would never see it
as I did before I drowned
  
and I ran out of breath
I forgot I still had
                 and swam
                 and reached
and Im still reaching
even as I fall again

for how many years
did i try to speak through my eyes
for the words i wanted to scream
were forbidden and unwanted
how many times did i scream
behind steady eyes
that if you really knew
all that you claimed to know
you would hear what my eyes
are so clearly telling you
i could read your eyes
              and his eyes
              and their eyes
clear as day
yet none could read my own

i learned from a young age
that no one wants to hear
what you have to convey
so you must say it with words
or failing that never say it at all
i learned from a young age
that i must listen to everything
everyone else conveys
but to expect the same returned
was just far too much
i learned from a young age
that i simply did not know
how to be taken seriously

i defy myself
every time i define myself
just to prove myself wrong
oh, whoops i proved myself right
  
                   i dont know what im looking for
                   but i know it when i see it
                   then i forget to be it
                   oh, whoops i forgot all of it

         i think i know more than i think i do
         never know what to do with myself
         im in several places all at once
         oh, whoops i never moved at all

leave
but dont go far
for you have not the energy
wonder by daylight
retreat from dark
for as much as you love it
you dont know it truly
admire the sky
but dont look up too much
youll get a crick in your neck
thatll last all day
go out
but for gods sake
dont leave the cage
you worked so hard to build
if you go too far
youll lose your way back
and have to rebuild it all
  
                                             sorry but
                                             i outgrew this cage
                                             a decade ago

im so far down
i have nothing to say
no words to be found
i hear bells
and i see the ticking clock
but i am so far down
i reach for nothing
for there is nothing there
instead i listen to the chimes
and watch the clock tick down

life is a poorly designed game
too much dead space
loading screens that last all night
unskippable cutscenes
irrelevant boss fights and tasks
no cheat codes
and the story has no direction
where is the fast forward in my life
i am in the between of everything
can i play my life
like I play video games
grinding through obstacles
till i reach the next level and the next cutscene
can i skip to the main storyline of my life
all that waits for me here
is cutting down monsters
till im strong enough to fight the boss

i will sit on a mantle of my own making
sip on wine I made myself
wear a gown of my own inspiration
pluck the crown from the mud at my feet
walk with the knowledge of my deeds
I will no more abandon my thrown
as small and neglected as it is
it will grow with me and i with it

my body is a prison
i want to go go go
but the thought of moving
is a dreaded and feared one
i feel heavy
and tied down
obligations are a chain
that i must pull
but fear to touch
i need to keep moving
to reach a destination far away
but right now i am too tired
i shouldnt force it
but i am afraid
that i will never get up again

“i touch it | my hand comes away scalded | i hold it | crumble it between my fingers | wipe it off onto my jeans

when the page turns | it holds the same words as the one before”

The wind today is a lonely one
It calls for spring like a long lost love
yet clings to winter’s solitude.

you have a soft face
and a breakneck smile
seen one way
only to turn and be another
fractile and shifting
like a prism of a million cuts
get used to one color
shift to 100 others
you see the rainbows all around
and claim they come from others
                
               in the wrong lighting
               prisms are colorless

they spoke of a future
full of hopefuls and maybes
their voices are soft in awe
pitched and fast
with frequent pauses
inventing what could be
laughing like it can never happen
laughing like its nothing serious
laughing like they haven’t dreamt
every night of this
and that to admit is like admitting
a guilty little secret

i. i am gentle
the sort of gentle
thats slow and soft
but does not yield to touch

ii. i am fluid
my core is solid
i am swirling around myself
at any given moment
yet my gravity is centered

iii. i cannot be contained
to try is to lose me
hold me and i will
drip through your fingers
and solidify elsewhere
call me and wait
or do not call at all

iv. i am gone
i am miles ahead already
always somewhere else
at a point i have not yet reached
too impatient with Now
to linger a moment longer

a sorrow all consuming
swallowing my limbs
rendering me still
for now
till it spits me back up
and rests
while I make up for lost time
to do all i can do to
move a little farther away
before it swallows me once more

where a storm brews
where the crows linger
where the people know them
but not by name
far away from where they had fallen
long ways away
from where they will rise once more

for now
they sit in the corner
of a place they love
building wings from feathers
left behind by the crows
who stare unbothered on the road

the first pair of wings were too small and ragged
a thing of pride but no structure
not meant for flight but holding them gave hope

the second pair took years
knowing the basic formula now
each feather painstakingly placed

the third pair was an experiment
a challenge to push the limits
to use instead of the pristine second

the fourth was a throwaway
born of desperation and frustration
with these they flew and fell
  
the fifth pair was a copy of the second
but fine-tuned and reinforced
and with them the crows left

i. I call on the wake of winter
to bring forth something fast
I can keep still no longer

ii. I wind my fingers
into the fabric of earth
tearing chunks out
to make a path to
where I need to go

iii. No cold nor dirt
will hold me back
as I make my way
faster than before
slower than I soon will

iv. I plant my feet
wiping soil-stained hands
onto the smooth cloth of my dress
I step forward
pulling my own roots free
I will hold myself back no longer

reaching deep down in
grime between your nails, between your fingers
trying to reach all the way down but
your arm doesnt reach/ your arm doesnt reach/ your arm doesnt–
but you still reach
because there has to be something within your reach
instead, something reaches you
your arm is no longer there
a jagged toothed thing took it away
  
…
  
you reach in with your other arm

my soul aches
a familiar ache
one that comes with
being filled to the brim
pressure building under the surface
  
with practiced fingers
one fluid motion
i uncap

nothing comes out
not even a whisp
the feeling of pressure
does not dissipate

I hold within me everything
I want to be a concept
A multitude know by some

Im a plant
too much sun and I wither
too much shade I wilt
keep me by the window where you work
where the morning sun is filtered through blinds
where you wont always be
but will be consistently enough
place me where you forget me
but remember just enough to smile and water me

I am a succulent
not a hardy cactus
but a rosette
too much attention
too little attention
a drop of water at the wrong time
and im dying
then gone

If you ever want to
Look inside yourself
To see how your blood pumps
And the color of your flesh
Take a pen and tear
words into paper instead
Bleed worlds and people
Scream through the mouths of others
But not through your skin
It will only scream back for more
And there is no harm in being unable
To stop a pen
Rather than a blade

I bite down
bitter taste welling up under my tongue
since when did these sharp thoughts
become the norm
I spent years training myself
to taste sweet where there’s bitterness
like sticky sweet candy
instead, I became red wine
a hint of sweet, under a layer of tangents
it takes a certain tongue to learn my notes
I always loved the look of red wine
but each sip overwhelmed
maybe I will learn to love the taste

when I think of myself I’m never here
I think about who I am
and I think of
closed doors/white walls/music in my head
/patterns beaten into carpet

and I think of
sitting on the bus/living behind my eyes
/blank faces staring out of windows

and I think of
bright worlds/mundane things with people who don’t exist
/wielding a dagger of words/of misunderstandings
and tragedies/surviving and growing stronger
/of smiling in the face of peril

and I think of
betrayal/****** /being missed/growing wings
/becoming goddess/becoming wind/being loved
and feared in equal amounts/of people who don’t exist
still being there

and I blink

-it’s the same small white room
with a window that changes seasons by the hour



I think I don’t know who I am

I never felt more alive -more free
then I did on that night summers drive
we drove for an hour on a mere whim
to a place I used to live
a place so full of
isolation
-of disgusted faces and sharp judging eyes
-of seasons changing from a single window
-of holding onto what little you could
-of learning how to live without

as I drove with windows down
your hand riding the wind outside
nothing looked the same
nothing had changed

I parked in a cornfield on the same road of my grandmas old farm
and we spun in circles in the middle of the road
listening to our brand of music from tinny phone speakers
I guess we must have driven a bit too far
to have seen the name of another state on the screen

I had a dream
where I had a sodalite heart
a precious stone that looks as if
earth was flooded and shrunk
only a few greenish-brown islands could be seen
white clouds swirled over the rough waters
a storm in the making
in the dream
I lost my heart
leaving a hole in my chest
where flowers had been growing
fed with the waters of the sodalite heart
to keep them from wilting
I looked everywhere
under my bed
in my clothes hamper
I asked my cat
and I asked the mirror
no one else was around to help
meaning no one had been there to steal it
I must have left it somewhere
or dropped it along the way
in my dream
I found the heart
laying on the ground
before the foot of the door
when I woke up I remembered
the sodalite heart I had bought last summer
I lost it within that very week
I knew exactly where I laid it
but it was never there
or anywhere

people say they are
nothing more than traits and behaviors
taken from others
like it makes them unreal
is that not all we are
borrowed pieces from
everything/everyone we’ve ever known
putting together the puzzle pieces
with no guidance no box art
till the thing you created is

You

-many parts combined into an original whole
-inspired and influenced by everything