I guess I used the wrong words when I talked to the stars,
I wished to never lose you and it sort of worked.
I should´ve been more specific,
cause I wanted us to be bonded by love.
You are not away,
but you are not here yet.

And then, in the middle of a talk with our friends I randomly turned to my right and kissed him on the shoulder, and I realized I was madly, deeply in love and there was no way back.

I cut my hair,
the tips that you liked curlying around your fingers while you sang are now gone.
I painted it with sunshine rays,
To surround me with all the light I've been needing since the last time I got blinded by yours.
And that flock of hair that was shorter from that time I accidentally burned it trying to light you a cigarrette, the one that made me smile with its stubborness to stay still, the one that reminded me of our first night, it has growned.

There are moments I wish I could relive.
Like that instant when I saw you for the first time,
and I knew that was it.
I was never going to meet anyone else
that could make my heart burst
or my breath stop for so long
and not **** me, but make me feel alive.
That was the first time I thought
maybe drowning wasn´t such a bad way to go.

After "once upon a time" our story becomes a mistery;
weather you are Prince Charming or the ogre is mine to discover.
The not-so-typicall "boy meets girl"
where the princess has dragons living inside her
and the ghosts that haunt her com from her own past.
A tale where Mr. Perfect has a weakness for easy women and strong liquor
and a miracle has to happen to make him see the magic.

So I keep moving forward,
with giant strides,
but I have one hand holding the past.
I try to stretch,
to cover all the places my heart wants to be,
my hands like claws,
scratching the lands my feet left behind.

The worst kind of jelousy is the one you have to keep.
Swallow all the anger, like a poison burning in.
Here's a tip:
To keep the tears from falling down inhale very deep and many times.
With my hands so hard in a fist that my own nails are hurting me,
and knowing I can't let it all out because you are not mine.
The hardest part is that everytime you are with her
I have to fake a smile and say "I'm fine".

24 hours and counting,
the thought of seeing you makes me so happy.
My heart about to explode
and these butterflies, they are out of control.
I try to stay calm,
but it´s like queting an alarm.
Warning: bring a helmet,
I think I might tackle you,
sorry I can´t help it.

If loving you is a sin,
let the gates of hell open wide for me,
for the only heaven I want to know
is between your arms.

In my mind you will always be safe ground,
and while I´m away working the night shift,
wishing to quit and run back home,
I´ll remember how you kissed me
and I wont be alone.

We were looking for each other but it took you longer
to realize that when I saw you the search was over.
I knew that sooner or later you'd have to see the truth,
that back when you didn't care I was caring for us two.
I was losing my faith but you catched me right on time,
and now when I look into your eyes I see what you see in mine,
and I know that you know how I've always loved you.

Spanish

Creo que no he sido lo suficientemente clara contigo,
tal vez no entiendes cuando te digo que te quiero.  
Pero te quiero, aunque no suene asi.
Mis te quiero se escuchan como *buenos días,
duerme bien, te ves muy guapo hoy.
Mis te quiero se sienten,
cuando te acaricio el pelo,
cuando te rozo con las yemas de los dedos,
cuando te acomodo el cuello de la camisa,
cuando te beso un hombro entre risas.
Mis te quiero no se dicen,
se muestran en las horas que paso arreglandome para ti,
en las noches se me han ido escribiendote,
en el remolino que siento dentro cuando llamas para decir que ya vienes.
Mis te quiero no son directos,
pero estan presentes en todo momento,
y si mi boca no te lo dice con palabras
te lo dice en cada beso.
Pero si no es suficiente para ti,
permite que te lo diga, de frente,
sin dejar lugar a dudas.
Te quiero.

English

I believe I haven´t been clear enough with you,
maybe you don´t understand when I tell you I love you.
I know I haven´t been direct,
and you are not a man that goes in circles.
But I love you, even if that´s not how it sounds.
My I love yous sound like good morning,
sleep well, you look handsome today.
My I love yous are not seen by everyone,
they are felt when I caress your hair,
when I touch your fingertips,
when I fix the collar of your shirt,
when I kiss your shoulder between laughs.
My I love yous are not said,
they show in the hours I spend getting ready for you,
in the nights that have passed me by while writing for you,
in the twister I feel inside when you call to say you are on your way.
My I love yous are not straight,
but every moment they are there,
and if my mouth doesn´t tell you with words
it tells you with every kiss.
but if it´s not enough for you, let me tell you,
face to face, with no place for doubt,
I love you.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
The worst thing that could happen is not even that bad.

Only my pillow knows of the late nights staring at the ceiling, of the silent tears rolling until tiredness knocks me out.
Of the scenarios I plot that most likely will never happen.
Only my pillow knows because my diary is hidden under it.
Of the dreams where you realize its been long enough and come looking for me.
Only my pillow knows and doesnt get tired of the same subject everynight, only she gets what I feel and stays in silence while I weep.
Only my pillow knows I hit snooze cause I want to keep dreaming of you. Only she knows that every morning you are my first thought.
What my pillow doesnt know but my car stereo does is that everyday I try to find music that doesn't remind me of you, that I fake a smile as long as the day lasts until I get back home to the only one that knows the truth.

I wish I could go back in time, do it all over again,
to erase all the black spots the world has left on me;
so I could end up at this exact point looking at things differently,
with bright eyes, amazed by everything,
with the innocence of a child wondering what will happen next,
hopeful of the future and my days ahead.

Who am I?
I'm a dreamer. I'm hopeful. I'm a bag of bones interconected with emotions, through my veins runs as much excitement as blood.

I am messy hair, small eyes and steady hands and my hair is as wild as me, and my small eyes catch all the  beauty hidden in the corners, and my steady hands become an earthquake when I'm about to be kissed.

I'm in my twenties. I'm a teenager in matters of love and I'm a grandma when taking care of my friends. I'm a beast when it comes to fighting and I'm the weakest when it comes to crying. I feel too much and show too little.

I'm a daughter, a sister and a friend. I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm happy. I'm a rave as much as I'm a book and coffee. I talk until my voice fades but my mouth is a tomb for secrets.

I'm a writer and a reader. I'm a dancing machine and a shower singer.

I'm raising an eyebrow when I don't believe you. I'm a random kiss on the shoulder when I love you. I'm cafuné when I care for you.

I'm optimistic. I'm cautious. I'm becoming what I always wanted to be. I'm strongheaded and lighthearted. I'm in constant wait for the world to show me this is not it and fairytale endings exist.

Million miles away,
in another life,
maybe we'll find at the exact point where planets align
and the clocks around will stop
because this time we would've recognized each other as one.

Don't call him first; if he calls don't answer right away.
Who made those stupid rules anyway?
They say men are all about hunting,
how will I do that when my desire is the only thing I'm struggling?

And don't kiss on the first date,
maybe hold hands but you gotta make him wait.
Well, I dare you to do it.
I dare you to look into his eyes and not sink into them.

And you can label me all you want,
you can call me easy to get,
but I'll never wonder what if?
that I can bet.

Today I almost lost you,
for real and forever.
Your sister called and said someone had put a gun at your head, that someone wanted to take you,
that someone had tried to hurt you.
I felt numb and instantly shred a tear.
Thank God you are fine.
Thank God they realized it wasn't you who they wanted.
Thank God you are alive.
In that moment I didn't care if you were mine or not, I just wanted you safe.
I'm so relieved you and I are still breathing the same air.
"Tell him I love him"
That's the first time you are going to hear those words from me and your sister is going to say them.
***** that "I quit to you" thing.
I can't quit loving you.
I don't care anymore if we end up together or not.
I just want to love you more.
I want to know wherever you are, you are ok.

I'm sorry for not being enough for you.
I'm sorry that giving you all that I had was so little.
I'm sorry for not being what you needed,
for loving you in spite of everyone's opinion.
I'm sorry for believing that we had a chance,
for trying so hard to be the one.
I'm sorry that I can't stay around anymore,
for getting tired of waiting for you,
I'm sorry that I'm giving up.
I'm sorry for crumbling down every night that I don't hear your voice,
for counting the days since I saw you,
for being unable to hide my sadness behind a smile.
I'm sorry for knowing this is the best for me and still wanting to run to you.
I'm so sorry that this is hurting me so much.

It's been two months since he died,
I don't think about him everyday,
he comes back in flashes and I can almost hear him laugh,
and it gets hard to hold the tears but I do anyway,
I stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath and continue with my life.

It's not just missing him that hurts,
I think what keeps me sane is that the last thing I told him was
"'Congratulations! I'm so proud of you and I love you, see you in July"
But what makes me mad is that right now is July, and that promise fell through.
There's this logic part of me that knows it was not my fault,
that reminds me he was sick,
that he was trying his best, that he was taking his pills,
until one day he took them all.
There's this other part that keeps wondering what if?
What if I had called him randomly?
What if instead of July it had been May?
What if I had asked again how he was doing?
And what hurts the most I think, is that I'm a doctor, just like he was; I deal with life and death and pain, and I couldn't cure the pain he was feeling inside.
And I don't know if he knows that he took a part of all of us,
that killing himself killed us too.
But even when I hold back the tears because he is gone, I cant hold back the smile because he was part of my life,
and I guess that would've made him happy.

It´s not romantic to think of you while drinking beer,
and it´s not romantic to do so with the music they play on night clubs.
But I can´t think of something more romantic than remembering us dancing while the night slipped away and that this beer tastes just like the cold touch of your lips, and how it made the crowd around us disappear.

All alone, on the other side, far away from judging eyes.
Pictures under the moonlight.
So close that I can hear your heart beating as fast as mine.
Discovering even more things that make us alike,
and lovely surprised by the things that don´t.
Holding hands down main street and I feel so safe.
Dancing in the crowd but I get lost in you
And I hope our plane had never landed back.

NFL season and 49ers games.
Twins.
Dark clothes.
The cranberries music that you so shamely confessed you liked.
Rock festivals and when 80s pop is played in night clubs cause it's the only way you will stand up and dance with me.
Buffalo wings on our first date.
Zombie movies although we've never seen a movie together.
The rooftop outside my apartment that you hated cause it didn't let us watch the sunrise.
That limited edition beer we tried together and both disliked.
Random attacks of laughter, silence and my bed.
Big streets and long rides in my car and that it only takes 10 minutes to get to your house.
Watching buildings and streets get constructed because I've never seen Engineering the same way since you explained it to me and the passion you put in your career.
The sofa at one of our friend's house.
Yellow pick ups and blue Jetta's.
The space between my fingers.
Small eyes and your dad's smile.

May no monster disturb your sleep
and your night be filled with
battles with dragons and trips in submarines.
That tonight you become a knight, a super hero, a pilot and a rockstar.
That each night carries a different adventure,
that you feel invinsible and wake up with the urge to become
everything you've been in your wildest dreams.

I hope he knows that holding my hand
is the closest way to the heart on my sleeve.

I hope he kisses my eyes shut
to give me sweet dreams.

I hope he whispers ballads
like soft spring wind.

I hope he knows I won't need a coat
as long as his arms are around me.

I hope he can make me love him,
make it blossom from beneath.

Just say yes.
Yes to good mornings
   and late night talks.
Yes to Monday Night Football
   and Friday Night *****.
Yes to you singing to me all your favorite songs,
   yes to do it off-key,
      yes to do it out loud.
Yes to writting you poems
   and watching tv reruns.
Yes to dancing... even in silence,
   yes to do it without asking.
Yes to letting me love you,
   to holding you tight,
      to feeling the breeze
         while your hand squizes mine.
Yes to your fingers curlying my hair
   and me messing with yours.
Yes to that smile so bright,
   yes to sinking in your eyes,
      yes to your strong arms
         that lift me of the ground.
Yes to hearing you say
   how I make you proud,
      yes to the way you make me feel on a cloud.
Yes to repeating these things many times,
   yes to living a life to fill a thousand lines.
Yes to happiness,
   to our ocasional wildness.
Yes to planning,
   and sharing,
      to trusting
         and never questioning.
Yes to a chance to show you how I feel.
Do you want to build a life of dreams?

     Please, say yes...

                      ...at least say maybe.

If you are willing to be with me be prepared to deal with my insecurities and bring stick and stones to destroy brick by brick the wall I've been building around for all these years. It will take time and it won't be easy, but I promise I'll put all the effort in me to help you inside.
I'll try to put behind the past and give you my trust, but you gotta understand that after seeing only for me for so long it will be hard to start thinking of WE instead of I.
There will be times when you will want to run..
     ..please don't.
Other times I'm gonna get scared..
     ..don't let me escape.
I can assure you everything will be worth it, because once you get thorugh that thick layer you're going to met me. The real me.
The girl that was hidden under anger, sadness and fear; and that girl has the biggest heart in the world, it's not new, it was mistreated and has some dust.
But once you shake the dust and stop paying attention to the big old scar on the side, you'll realize it still works and it will give you more love than anyone thinks possible.
So if you try your best to get inside I will try my best to open the door.

I'm being faithful to nothing,
to a memory,
to the ghost of what we never had.
But letting someone else sleep under these sheets,
hold me like you did,
feels like betrayal.
So I rather go to bed alone,
       cover my body with your shirt,
                and if I try hard enough I can still smell you in it,
than let anyone else erase with their touch the prints of your hands.

Please, make it stop.
Stop this pain,
stop this hopeless hope,
stop the love.
Fast forward to a time when I won't think of him
(or when he'll feel ready to be with me)
Make me understand that I cannot have everything I wish for
(or him that I can make his deepest wishes true)
I don't want to keep living out of flashes and moments,
I don't want to keep worrying about the definite end.
I don't want to kiss him and leave wondering when it will happen again.
Give me a sign of what to pray for,
because I really don't know what to ask for when I get on my knees.
Do I keep praying for him to realize I am the one or for me to realize that he may not be?
How can I convince myself of that?
(how can I convince him?)
I bet no one would believe that I felt he was special since day one,
that I saw in you whan no one would see.
And then you smiled, and then you talked,
and you named all the reasons to be who you are.
And just when I couldn't stop picturing my life without him,
he comes and says he is happy alone.
That he is not ready right now,
that he does not want me, nor anyone.
How do I compete against that?
There's no other woman,
there's nothing to fight against but himself.
He says he doesn't know how to think in plural anymore cause he's been alone for so long,
well, so have I,
c'mon my love, react.
We can learn together, from the basics if you want,
from writting each other notes and drawing hearts on the windows of our cars.
So, what will it be?
Do I give up or do you give in?

So I got scared of life,
of the future,
of everything coming so fast, so hard,
of the fog that doesn´t let me see past next week.
And when the tears exploded all I could think was how much I needed you.
I drove to your house,
against that superstition that nothing good happens after 2am.
And you opened the door, and your arms,
and I opened my heart.
The only peace I´m feeling these days comes from you.
My strong and steady.
And you say I don´t know how strong I am,
but I say you don´t know how strong you make me.

Lately, nostlagia has been invading the air,
everybody is trying to make their "lasts anythings" special
and I'm wishing you were all here to share it.
I spend nights looking at the sky to see if there's a sign of you up there,
asking hoplesly on shooting stars that I can see you again.
God knows you left me too soon.
I just hope, in spite all my mistakes, that I've made you proud too.

I'm exhausted.
I'm physically and emotionally drained.
I find myself looking to nowhere, thinking of nothing, empty
and I still don't know where all these tears are coming from.
I'm not mad, I don't feel rage, I don't feel anything,
nothing but this sharp pain in my chest that comes and goes,
and the sudden knot in my throat as the smallest thing reminds me of you.
But no, I'm not mad at you. Stop asking me that.

Today I woke up and the world was between my arms.
I kissed it's shoulder and the world turn around to hold me back.

Usually this is the time I call you to see if you have any plans,
crossing my fingers to see you tonight.
But last week, for the third time since I met you,
I decided to leave you.
Since that I got asked on a date,
I got good morning messages,
I got good night messages,
I got coffee at my door on the coldest night.
None from you.
and still I'd rather look at you smiling,
I'd rather look at the way your hands move,
I'd rather stay in silence sitting next to you.
So tonight, instead of calling you
I find myself making plans with someone else
to get you out of my head.

Please, let me stay with him.
Let me keep him close.
Or at least promise me we will reunite.
Promise me that wasnt the last kiss,
Cause I dont know if my mind will keep it clear for a lifetime.
Promise me I'll hold his hand again, cause I doubt I can find something to fit between my fingers as well as he does.
Please, if you choose to set me apart from him dont make it long.

Hour 20:
The white walls soffocating me,
I'm a walking zombie
and a hero wannabe.

The background sounds
beep, beep, beep
and I just wanna sleep.

I have a worried mother
whose child has fever,
and a not-so-hurt drunk driver
that tonight became a killer.

A 40 year old that's been coughing a few days
and thought of coming to the ER at 4am
because, hey, they are probably not so busy anyways.

I like my job,
and I love saving lives,
but God knows I have to put in order mine.

A heart has stopped in bed number nine,
chest compressions and meds don't make it beat,
I don't want to, but I gotta call it.

A teenager needs stitches,
she's making a mess,
apparently her scar is more important than anyone else.

A few more hours and I can go home,
time is passing slowly.
*Hey, look! There is the sun!

It's not getting easier.
There's a hole that time is failing to fill.
I'm still wearing your blue shirt to sleep.

I hope the tears you shreded one day
nurture the flowers that will blossom from your scars.

So you come and casually tell me that you might leave,
that foreign places are waiting for you far away from me.
But you go mad because I ecourage you to go,
you say I don't love you enough.
But who am I to stop you?
Who am I to crash your dreams?
I fell in love with you while you were free,
because you fly wild and high,
I wouldn't dare to keep you in a cage,
I wouldn't dare to cloud your happiness with mine.
And you still ask if I love you?

Would you stay a little longer?-
                              and you flash that smile I love,
                              and your eyes sink into mine as deep as the ocean goes.
                              The sweetness of your lips takes me by surprise
                              while gravity shuts down.
                              My heart tells me this is home,
                              I think with you I could go to the edge of the world,
                              there's something about you that makes me feel safe
                                                                ­   and warm
                                                                ­                      and timeless.
                             Don't even ask again.
Sure, I'd love to stay.-

I lived (unconsciously) to die.
Reckless behavior, bending the rules.
I wanted to **** the butterflies he had given me,
drown them in ***** and whisky.
I tried riding in cars with unknown boys to fill the deep void.
I lost count of the beds I  woke up in,
I lost count of the nights I cried myself to sleep
I hated the loneliness in the morning after having someone next to me.

Live fast and die young.
Excess was not enough.
I wanted everything faster, higher, stronger.
More music, more "friends", more shots, more kisses
More....
               More...
                             More..
I didn´t realize I was slipping through my own hands.
Less time,  less life, less love, less of me.
Less...
           Less...
                      Less...
I kept pushing the buttons of whatever god that was keeping me safe
and I let my demons become the owners of who I usted to be.

I thought I was living the life,
but I was already dead inside.

I miss writting
letting words flow.
I miss the rush of catching all the ideas when my hand was too slow.
I miss the need of putting on paper what I felt,
of having to stop everything before I could forget.
I miss feeling inspired by the smallest thing,
a song, a phrase, your voice, your hair.
We took different ways
and you took away my words
but I kept all the love.

There are days when I think
"if I die today my last memory of you would be lovely",
but then you come and spoil it all.
so right now my last image of you is you dancing....
          

                                              With someone else.

I forgot to consider every option.
I've been so worried about not walking away that I forgot you had feet too.
This feels so bittersweet.
I'm so proud of you for doing what you want, for growing up and takin chances, and yet I get selfish, and I want you to stay, right here, where my dreams will be made.
What hurts the most is that I'm losing what I never had, and you getting on that airplane is a definite goodbye.

I've been using the shaking hands thing
in my poems a lot lately,
and I know it may sound cliche,
but for a surgeon to be
it's kind of a big deal.
I'm used to keep everything under control,
to be steady as a rock,
around chaos and blood and pain,
everything collapsing but my hands are always still.
Then you came, and suddenly my entire career is at risk when you say hi.

I know why you are single,
it's because you make bad choices of men.
You always like the players, the fighters and the broken.
For once, stop trying to fix all of them.

I know, I know.
My love life is a mess,
But if you got to see what I've seen in them you'd understand that love is not a catalogue and I have never made a choice.
I fall in love with that small spark between all the dark spots.

He left.