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Camila Aug 2019
I wanted you,
I wanted you so bad.
I wanted to fix you,
to cure your loneliness with mine.
I begged to tame your demons and heal your scars,
to kiss the bruises on your heart.
I could've taken pieces of me to fill the holes in you
but the dark was so big you couldn't see through.
IADL
  Nov 2018 Camila
misha
i don't know
why i still
look at your
horoscope

get out of my head

get out of my head

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

please
  Oct 2018 Camila
دema
Here’s to the feelings that flow
through my veins,

here’s to the love whose trip
was a lot of pain,

here’s to the days
where I am in vain,

and here’s to your heart
that I cant seem to obtain.
Camila Jun 2018
Fill me with messages,
telling me stupid gossip and jokes
that no one else gets.
Fill me with emojis every time you have a drink on me,
and make fun that I'm working on the weekend,
have fun on my behalf,
as long as you get home and let me know.  
Fill me with your voice,
with words of songs you barely remember.
Fill me with pictures of buildings,
before and afters of your work.
Fill me with all your doubts and all your answers,
with your insecurities at the edge of something new,
with your confidence to try.
Fill me with all of you while I'm far away,
to give me strength for a new day,
I'll use it to cover the distance until we meet again.
RM
Living in different cities since 2014 and he still makes me fall in love everyday.
Camila Jun 2018
I really dont know how to put what I'm about to say in a way that sounds like poetry without leaving stuff out and I think this is an important issue that must not be left to interpretation of the reader (like poetry does).
I wrote a poem almost a year ago (its down here somewhere) about a friend that commited suicide (I will call him R from now on) and even though I still think about him constantly this past week he's been more in my mind, I dreamed about him last week and woke up in tears and then I heard about Kate ***** and Anthony Bourdain, I talked to some friends and they were thinking more about him these past days sooo.... background story.
I'm a doctor, I'm a resident. I'm lucky enough to say I have a lot a good friends some of them are my med school classmates, R was one of them.
After graduation we all pursued doing a residency and thankfully we all got into what we wanted, most of my friends, including R, got to stay in the same city we all studied together, which was nice because most of their families lived there and they didnt have to pay rent and stuff like that.
A few months before the residency program began R called me and said the most shocking thing, he confessed to me that he had been diagnosed with depression during our third year in med school and that he was doing well enough that his psychiatrist considered he didnt need medication anymore, but was going to keep an eye on him in case he needed them again, he had been off the medication for 8 months by the time he called me and this were his exact words after he said all that to me "I know I'm not okay, and I know this because I have everything I ever wanted, I have friends that I love, I have an amazing family, I have the career that I want, I got accepted into the program I worked so hard for and still I think it would be better to die, and it scares me a lot" I talked to him until his mom got home so I knew he was safe, the doctor gave him medication again and he was good to go. Two years passed and then he decided he wanted to go into Neurology and he got accepted into the most important hospital in the country, that was in another city so that meant he had to live on his own for the first time in his life, and get another doctor there, I called to congratulate him a week before he left, that was on February, we made plans to see each other in July.... he died in May.
Why do I think this is important?
1. My friend didn't look sad, he was always smiling, he gave the warmest, longest hugs and when he told me he was sick I was shocked that he had been going through this for three years without anyone noticing.
2. He was very aware of his disease and he knew he had a lot to be happy about. So this proves that it can happen to anyone and is not about feeling sad for a certain situation, like getting bad grades or having a breakup. Its not something you fix by "focusing on the good things".
3. Another friend was feeling weird and she told me she was trying to "shake those feelings off" until he remembered R and decided it was best to seek for help, she was diagnosed with anxiety and started getting treatment.
4. Another one told us he was feeling very bad, like if he was not being himself, and that he was thinking about going to a psychiatrist, because he was scared of going through what R went.
5. I miss R everyday and he left a huge hole to fill, and there are so many things that remind me of him and that I wish I was able to tell him right know but at least he opened the eyes of the ones that were close to him and made a few of us do and internal check up and actually pushed others to get help.

My message for you who read this is dont be ashamed of asking for help and dont make others feel ashamed, encourage people to know that the mind gets sick too, just like the heart, and the stomach and any other ***** in your body. R knew people loved him, R knew he was lucky to have the life he had and still his mind and his depression made him think it was not worth it to keep on living.
Its been a year since he left and he is still making impact on all of us who where lucky enough to know him
Camila May 2018
How the first time I saw you I taught you were the most perfect being I had ever seen.
How I started seeing all your flaws and they made you real, and attainable, and human, and even more perfect.
That you have the softest eyes and the truest smile.
That now I have songs that I love (not even love songs) that make me smile because of you.
That there is not one single place I've been since I met you that I don't think could be better with you next to me.
That I've kissed so many guys, that I've touched so many lives, that every one is so different from you, that some may even be a little bit better than you, that I've failed every time I tried to replace you.
That I admire you, that I respect you, that if I ever have a little boy I wish he could grow up to be like you.
That I still get nervous before we meet, that I check my make up when you are not looking, that you make me calm, that you make me remember to breathe when my head is spining a thousand miles.
That I've learnt to love you in the distance, I've learnt to live in peace without you even if I wish everyday to be with you.
That I'm happy giving you my heart, even if I dont get it back from you, that I know you love me, in your own way, and that I'm complete (almost) just knowing our paths crossed.
RM
After all this time, after all this life, after all the places life has taken us, I still love you.
Camila Feb 2018
I got promoted in my job,
and I got scared like I usually do,
but I took it anyway because I like the challenge
so I had to.
I called to tell you,
like I always do,
because I need to tell you how I'm breaking inside,
because I need you to tell me how good I will be.
You told me I would succeed,
like I always do,
because you believe in me,
because you'll be there,
like you always are.
Yesterday I heard you telling your dad,
and then I heard you telling your sister-in-law,
and your brother, and your cousin, and your friends.
I heard you say you were so proud,
I heard you say I was invincible,
and I truly felt like a superhero,
I felt you as my shield,
and you didn't say you love me,
like you never do,
but this time you didn't have to.
RM
His sister told me he has been telling everyone over the week, and that he told her he was amazed about how smart and hard working I am, and its not that big a deal, but it feels amazing that someone you love thinks that about you.
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