Have you ever wondered how a bullet does its damage?
How something so small can be so threatening?
The way it enters the body is not the same way it exits.
The entrance is small, insignificant even,
but then it burns everything inside and comes out leaving a big hole.
Just like you.
Straight in,
giving me no time to duck or hide,
making a mess inside
and leaving what will become a scar on your way out.
And that's just in case I make it out alive.

sometimes I wish I could hate you,
I wish I didnt remember everytime you've been so nice, or every tiny detail you've had with me.
I really wish that whenever I list your pros and cons I didnt throw it away when I realize how long the second one is.
I really, really wish that all of those times I tried to move on had worked.
I wish you'd never kiss me.
I wish you didn't look at me with those eyes, I wish I had witnesses to prove I'm not imaging it when you get all sweet and charming.
I wish I didnt cry everytime I realize you will never decide to be totally mine.
I wish you weren't a priority, because right now I should be worried about my future, about passing that stupid test in september, but the thing that worries me about failing is not that I wont be a surgeon, but that I'd have to go back to my hometown and leave you.
I wish I didn't, but something deep down tells me that you are THE One, it might sound obsessive, but God knows I've really tried and since I met you I cant picture my future self without you.
I dont want to love you anymore.
I read good things come to those who wait, then that they come to those who work for it so I did, that nobody said it was easy they just promised it'd be worth it, but how hard should it be?
I so much wish I could hate you.

If I had a time machine I would always set it to the same date, August 3rd, 2012.
To that sunny afternoon when I was oblivious of who you were,
to the exact moment when you casually came out and opened up a beer.
I wouldn't change a thing, I'll just relive the couriousity I felt towards you and how nervous I got when you sat next to me.
I would go back and try to figure out why I decided to stay up all night with someone I had just met
                       and I would do it all over again.
I would still show up the next day to my 24-hour shift without a minute of sleep because I knew then I had hit a breaking pioint,
                      where there was going to be a different me before and after you.

Before you my future was a blurry extension of me that I failed to complete.
I imagined myself getting married to someone, having a daughter, taking her to ballet and giving her advice for college cause she would be a doctor like me.
I imagined myself wrapping presents for Christmas, going to my parents house for the Holidays and celebrating mothers day.
And she would have my smile and be boyband crazy like me and she would grow up with The Beatles and I saw myself teaching her to ride a bike.
But after you (and for the first time ever) my dreams changed and now I can´t see myself getting married if it isn´t with you. I don´t think about the wedding anymore, instead I think about the crazy mornings running around the house, trying to get our kids ready and making coffee for both of us, because I know you are lazy in the mornings and I have a tendency to let time slip by when I´m watching you sleep.
That daughter I dreamt about now has a little brother, because I want somebody to look exactly like you, and play football like you.
I still see myself wrapping Christmas presents but now I see you next to me trying to fit into a Santa costume.
And we would have Christmas at my place but New Year´s at yours.
And maybe she doesn´t like medicine but architecture and I will not only buy her Operation but also tons of Legos.
I can still teach them to ride a bike, but it will be your job to teach them sports. I´ll take care of Biology and English, but Math will be all yours.
The beatles are still the music they´d hear growing up but I promise they will watch every NFL season wearing tiny red jerseys on the sofa next to you.
For the first time my imagination of my future doesn´t stop five years from now, it not only covers my career.
Meeting you gave me a perspective and showed me all those invisible parts I didn´t know I wanted.

At this point in my life,
when nothing stays the same more than a while.
At this point when everything 5 months from now is a blur,
the love I have for you is the only thing that stays the same.
I made myself promise something,
you wont be a priority,
but you wont be prohibited,
I can't keep myself from you,
It hurts more not seeing you.
I'll live now to the fullest,
I'll call you when I want, kiss you when I want, hug you all the time.
I wont keep myself from you, cause if there's one thing I'd regret more about losing you next September is losing you right now.

yeah, yeah, you say you love me.
but do you really LOVE ME?
the me that gets mad,
that raises her voice too high.
The one that gets insecure more often than not,
that makes everyone believe she is strong while crumbling down inside,
the one that really needs a push but won´t ask you.
Do you love me when I get tired before we go out,
or when I get sad and I dont know why?
Do you love me when I get serious and out of no where I start to laugh?
I know it´s complicated, I know I´m not an easy job.
And I ask too many questions but I have to be sure,
that when you say you love me, you really mean love.

I thought it was strange
not feeling the need to fill pages with your name.
But as I look back I see
how moments with you overlaped with memories of him.
Maybe I should've given it time,
not putting three years of pressure on a three month trial.
But there has to be a reason this is my first poem about you,
and not even this one is completely yours.

He was fire,
she was rain.
He was warm, he could burn her,
she would flood his thoughts anytime.
Anger made him burst,
she gently washed his flames away.

You are my 11:11, my shooting star,
my sunny day after the storm.
My favorite song when I'm stuck in traffic, catching all the green lights.
You are staying in bed and realizing class got canceled anyway.
You are a rave and not waking up hungover.
You are hotcakes for breakfast on a Monday, you are a cold beer during summer.
You are every glimpse of good while reality passes by.

The days are going faster lately,
I'm keeping myself busy with work, and chores,
and reading, and noise.
I listen only to the electro music you hate and stay away from the songs you used to sing.
I find myself not thinking about you every minute,
and I also find myself unable to rest, unable to stop, because I'm scared of drifting towards you..
The days are becoming easier,
but the nights are still the worst.
When the lights and sounds are off and I get to feel the empty side of my twin bed, that's when I wish I could erase the past month without you, thats when I wish I could time travel to the day I met you, to our first kiss, to our first date, to the first time you held my hand, I wish I could time travel to the sight of you. I wish I could stop crying, I so deeply wish and pray to stop loving you. And then I pray a little harder for you to love me back.

He was lightning and she was thunder
            Always following.
Like Fall after Summer,
           And falling was all she could do.
She was the moon,
           Hidden inside the night,
watching her lovely sun shine from a far.

This is how it all ends,
before it even began,
the I love you's are a thing from the past,
and distance between us now feels real.

Long phone calls,
pictures back and forth,
texts with kisses and hearts.
they didn't hold us long.

and I cant find the right words to finish this poem,
just like I couldn't to finish with you.

How the first time I saw you I taught you were the most perfect being I had ever seen.
How I started seeing all your flaws and they made you real, and attainable, and human, and even more perfect.
That you have the softest eyes and the truest smile.
That now I have songs that I love (not even love songs) that make me smile because of you.
That there is not one single place I've been since I met you that I don't think could be better with you next to me.
That I've kissed so many guys, that I've touched so many lives, that every one is so different from you, that some may even be a little bit better than you, that I've failed every time I tried to replace you.
That I admire you, that I respect you, that if I ever have a little boy I wish he could grow up to be like you.
That I still get nervous before we meet, that I check my make up when you are not looking, that you make me calm, that you make me remember to breathe when my head is spining a thousand miles.
That I've learnt to love you in the distance, I've learnt to live in peace without you even if I wish everyday to be with you.
That I'm happy giving you my heart, even if I dont get it back from you, that I know you love me, in your own way, and that I'm complete (almost) just knowing our paths crossed.

I really dont know how to put what I'm about to say in a way that sounds like poetry without leaving stuff out and I think this is an important issue that must not be left to interpretation of the reader (like poetry does).
I wrote a poem almost a year ago (its down here somewhere) about a friend that commited suicide (I will call him R from now on) and even though I still think about him constantly this past week he's been more in my mind, I dreamed about him last week and woke up in tears and then I heard about Kate ***** and Anthony Bourdain, I talked to some friends and they were thinking more about him these past days sooo.... background story.
I'm a doctor, I'm a resident. I'm lucky enough to say I have a lot a good friends some of them are my med school classmates, R was one of them.
After graduation we all pursued doing a residency and thankfully we all got into what we wanted, most of my friends, including R, got to stay in the same city we all studied together, which was nice because most of their families lived there and they didnt have to pay rent and stuff like that.
A few months before the residency program began R called me and said the most shocking thing, he confessed to me that he had been diagnosed with depression during our third year in med school and that he was doing well enough that his psychiatrist considered he didnt need medication anymore, but was going to keep an eye on him in case he needed them again, he had been off the medication for 8 months by the time he called me and this were his exact words after he said all that to me "I know I'm not okay, and I know this because I have everything I ever wanted, I have friends that I love, I have an amazing family, I have the career that I want, I got accepted into the program I worked so hard for and still I think it would be better to die, and it scares me a lot" I talked to him until his mom got home so I knew he was safe, the doctor gave him medication again and he was good to go. Two years passed and then he decided he wanted to go into Neurology and he got accepted into the most important hospital in the country, that was in another city so that meant he had to live on his own for the first time in his life, and get another doctor there, I called to congratulate him a week before he left, that was on February, we made plans to see each other in July.... he died in May.
Why do I think this is important?
1. My friend didn't look sad, he was always smiling, he gave the warmest, longest hugs and when he told me he was sick I was shocked that he had been going through this for three years without anyone noticing.
2. He was very aware of his disease and he knew he had a lot to be happy about. So this proves that it can happen to anyone and is not about feeling sad for a certain situation, like getting bad grades or having a breakup. Its not something you fix by "focusing on the good things".
3. Another friend was feeling weird and she told me she was trying to "shake those feelings off" until he remembered R and decided it was best to seek for help, she was diagnosed with anxiety and started getting treatment.
4. Another one told us he was feeling very bad, like if he was not being himself, and that he was thinking about going to a psychiatrist, because he was scared of going through what R went.
5. I miss R everyday and he left a huge hole to fill, and there are so many things that remind me of him and that I wish I was able to tell him right know but at least he opened the eyes of the ones that were close to him and made a few of us do and internal check up and actually pushed others to get help.

My message for you who read this is dont be ashamed of asking for help and dont make others feel ashamed, encourage people to know that the mind gets sick too, just like the heart, and the stomach and any other ***** in your body. R knew people loved him, R knew he was lucky to have the life he had and still his mind and his depression made him think it was not worth it to keep on living.

I love the space between your fingers and how my hand in yours feels like home,
I love how peaceful you look when you're falling asleep,
and how you close your eyes when I caress your cheek,
and that you don't get mad when I mess up your hair,
I love lazy sundays and goodbye kisses,
but I don't like how fragile I become when I'm with you,
always with my heart pumping out of my chest,
always with shaky hands,
always focusing on not falling to the ground from the weakness in my knees,
I don't like how being together is the highlight of my days and that I know those highlights always end.
And after all that rush comes days of feeling blue,
because I never know when I will go back to you.

"Do you smoke?" you asked
as you let a gray cloud drift away from your mouth.
"No" I said quetly, ashamed that you might think I wasn't cool.
I avoided giving you that speech about dying soon.
You stayed quiet and inhaled from that toxic stick one last time
and pressed your lips gently onto mine.
I tasted the Marlboro's on your tongue
and became addicted to smoking from your kiss.

I've seen it all.
All his fears, all his sins.
I've seen him grow,
I've seen him fall.
Laugh, and cry and crawl.
I've seen him all,
I've known him all.
I've loved him all.
I still do.

Back when I was a teenager,
I used to think I was so clever.
I used  to think he was the one,
and now I know he was not even close.

I tried to forget you with someone else.
but when he smiled (and he did it often)
I remembered the serious face you have most of the time, like you are analyzing what surrounds you, taking in every detail and how your smile is like a shooting star, only to be seen once in a while.
And I forced myself to kiss him,
foolishly thinking that would keep you out of my mind, so naive to think I could take out of my head someone that lives in my heart, and that those strange lips could fill the void of not having yours.
I came back home. I broke down once again.
This morning I picked my pieces and put them back together. My lips that kissed you, my hands that held you, my eyes blinded by you, every piece of me that has had you and glued it all to go out and try again.

Three months ago we said goodbye,
not knowing if we were going to see each other again.
Three months ago I was aching,
hugging and kissing you until the sunrise,
not wanting to let go.
Three months ago you erased my tears
and said "see you soon."
Today I´m packing,
and I got an airplane ticket ready for next week,
today is me who says to you
"see you soon"

Little by little
you fed me up,
and those imperfections I though charming once,
now I notice them more and more.
And I still think I am the one you should want,
but you are definitely not the one I need.
I deserve so much more,
and if you don't grow into it, I'm sorry.
I can't wait around any longer,
there's a whole world ahead of me.
Good luck and goodbye.
I'll cherish you all my life.

With love:
         -The one you had and lost.

Whatever you do, do not fall in love.
No matter how charming he is, or how much he makes you laugh. Remember; all of them started that way.
No matter how hard it is to contain your happiness when he is around, or how long it takes you to fall asleep when you think of him.
Do not let him be the reason you wake up, do not count the seconds until you see him again.
Remember all the times you got hurt? Replay it in your head everytime you want to jump onto his arms. Be scared. Be cautious. Because either he is the love of your life or he will carve another scar in it.
Your heart has been weakened (or strenghted) by all the other loves of your life, the armor around you has grown thicker and thicker.
But, who I'm I kidding? We all know you will fall. Your soul has been desparate to find its mate for so long that when his fingers slightly put your hair away from your face you will know you lost and all the others will disappear from the back of your mind, and you will throw yourself at him and give in to all the love you have been keeping locked in.
No matter how many times your brain insists on not falling in love, your reckless heart will.

With time your face has been slowly fading from my memory
and if I shut my eyes and try to focus
I can barely trace the curve of your smile anymore.
But how I wish to remember you
and instead forget how you made me feel;
even with your physicall self so long gone
the rough feel of you beard while you kissed my neck is still here;
and I can't describe your lips anymore,
but I have the scent of your smokey breath
and the taste of your wet tongue,
like it was yesterday and not an eternity ago.

You are the reason I listen to love songs at 2am.
You are my favorite flavor.
You are in every choice, in every chance.
You are the laugh I want to hear every day,
the arms I want around every night.
You are my light.

Aren't you scared?
That right now you are looking at your future
right from the edge.

Open the bottles of wine,
bring some tequila shots,
cheers for the end
and hold on to the moments we have left.

We are toghether now
so let's celebrate,
let's get drunk 'cause we are clueless
of our days ahead.

Let's talk about the good old times
that seem so far behind
forget all the worries just for a while,
the rest of our life is about to start.

How did I let this happen?
How come out of nowhere now you are my first thought every morning?
The happiness I feel while singing out loud on my way to work seemed something from the past.
I have this goofy smile all day, even when we don't talk.
But when we do, oh my! The entire world disappears when you say "hi"
and I find myself thinking of ways to make you mine, not too fast so I don't scare you, not too slow so I don't die with every minute we spend appart.
Is this love?

I´ll love everything about you,

the way you close your eyes and take a deep breath

when the midnight breeze caresses your face.

and the way you open them,

(right before you open your soul)

and tell me how scared life makes you

and how in spite of everything you still know we´ll be okey.

I'm afraid
that if I push too hard
you'll run away,
and if I stay still
you will forget.

I saw you today.
I saw you safe.
I saw you smile.
That's all I needed.
The chit-chatting and laughter were bonus points.

The mistake was building plans of sand,
not preparing for the wave that could destroy it all.

I've been awake for almost three hours while you are still sleeping, and I realized two things.
1. You are really lazy.
2. I'm so in love with you that I could lay here next to you for three more hours and my time wouldn't have been wasted.

I can't do this anymore.
I'm tired of all the effort,
of trying to be good enough,
of my friends telling me that the one who's not enough is you,
and me trying to explain that you are.  
It's exhausting.
All the waiting,
all the hoping of you to realize that this could've been good.
I'm tired of praying every night for you to commit,
for you to want something serious,
I'm tired being let down everytime my phone rings and it's not you,
of the constant ups and downs,
of feeling devastated because I only get to have glimpses of you,
of being scared that one day I'll stop seeing you for good,
of being worried that some other woman can take you and
I'll just have to stare.
One year is long enough.
I can't do this anymore. I'm done.

Fill me with messages,
telling me stupid gossip and jokes
that no one else gets.
Fill me with emojis every time you have a drink on me,
and make fun that I'm working on the weekend,
have fun on my behalf,
as long as you get home and let me know.  
Fill me with your voice,
with words of songs you barely remember.
Fill me with pictures of buildings,
before and afters of your work.
Fill me with all your doubts and all your answers,
with your insecurities at the edge of something new,
with your confidence to try.
Fill me with all of you while I'm far away,
to give me strength for a new day,
I'll use it to cover the distance until we meet again.

You sleep like a rock,
and you snore,
and you take most space in bed,
and I cant roll myself in the sheets cause you have the other half...
I couldnt sleep facing down,
and my neck hurt a few hours in the morning...
but waking up surrounded by your arms for the first time made it the loveliest night.

...and just when I start believing
that I might be fogetting you.
I see you randomly burst into a dance in the middle of the kitchen,
and you cut apple bites for both of us,
and they taste so sweet,
and you are making me laugh,
and then I get home to realize
I don't even like apples...
... or so I though.

I feel we are on the edge,
so take my hand,
we´ll jump from there.
Tame your demons, heal your scars, cure your loneliness with mine.
Shut your eyes, I´ll cast a spell,
let me kiss your fears away.

You were my best mistake.
I would never talk bad about you.
You were my purest, biggest love.
Even if we were never meant to be.

He opens my door,
he asks me out,
he calls to say good morning
and calls to say good night.
He is a gentleman,
he is smart,
he is fun,
he brought coffee to my door when I told him I was cold.

What am I so scared of?

Distance was supposed to make it easier
and it only brought us closer.
It´s been months,
but this love is strong against all odds.

In the darkest hours,
I'll find a light.

In the most intrincated labyrinth,
I'll find a way.

After the largest of storms,
sun shall shine.

All bad things come to an end
and the path must be hard
to appreciate the reward.

I'll lose no hope,
I won't ever give up.
I'll put the best of me everyday
and I'll make my life worth living,
for happiness is the road
and not the destiny.

Dear diary:
He said he loved me,
that he was full of regret.
But, dear diary,
it was too late.

My first thought when I saw you was "****!"
I knew from the begining a tornado would hit,
I saw an entire life unraveling before my eyes.
I didn't know when or how
but I predicted myself a mountain moving love.
I tried to look away while I could.
But you sat next to me and asked my name.
I got lost right there and still can't find my way back.

Either this is the beginning of my journey with you to heaven
or I'm about to be dragged through the mud
wishing I had never fallen for the spell or your eyes
or the deep sound of your voice.

I would never play
I can't believe the nerve of you
to let that lie away.
After I begged at you to go
if your feelings weren't true,
Please don't hurt me,
I'm being honest here,
if you don't love me
I'm asking you to leave.
But you insisted
and I gave in,
you got what you wanted
and changed in a bit.
I'm sorry, I think we should stop
you were right and I was wrong,
but don't worry, you are cool
I bet you'll find a good guy soon
After chasing me for months
suddenly, you didn't love me *that much.
So naive of me to fall in love with you.

I should be more excited
but this is all too scary.
My parents are proud
and I'm thinking why?
Why didn't you stop me when I was 18?
Why did you support me all these years?
Whenever I needed anything, you never said no.
How come you didn't think this through? The hurry that I'm now into.
You are so happy.
Don't you see I'm terrified?
I'm don't feel ready for the real world yet,
and there you are, taking pictures of it all.
I should be mad at you for putting me in such a stress;
for never letting me give up.
You should've let me quit when things got hard.
You shouldn't have told me that I was capable of everything.
But whenever I had doubts you were there to erase them,
and now here I am,
starring my life long dream
and this is all your fault.
I'm afraid.
Afraid that I'll never be able to thank you enough.

Right now we could be happy together,
or miserable, or both.
We won't find out until we actually are,
let's end this,
let's open the box and see if it survives.

Like that time when I prayed for a miracle and then I met you.
I'm uncontrolably falling in love,
now my prayers are for this to work,
just once I would like to be loved in return.

I feel a hole inside my chest
cause I can't stop missing you,
because he is not you,
none of them is you.

I'm keeping score of the days without you
and I find myself hiding between books
and music not to call you.

Because I liked how you didn't fight my demons,
instead they learned to get along with yours
and now they are turning against me trying to find something to do.

I stumble with your memory and burst into tears,
and I know I tried
and I gave the best in me,
but I couldn't make you love me enough
so I have to be the one who stops.