I was at home.
My dad was just across the hall.
My brother was home his music blasting through my wall.
My thighs were cemented closed.
He used his hands as pry bars.
I said no.
I pushed him off me over and over again.
I said no.
He pinned me down.
I SAID NO.
I cried.
He choked me to silence my screams.
I tried to kick.
I tried to get away.
I eventually stopped fighting.
I let him finish.
I cried in the bathroom.
I said no.
I said no.
I said no...

I wasn't born to be loved by anyone but myself. There's no soulmate waiting for the day we run into each other at a coffee shop. I'm not going to spend my life with anyone besides myself. The woman who brought me into this world didnt truly love me and neither has anyone else. Every love I've had has been built on lies and hurt, I spent 6 years loving a girl who everytime she decided she was lonely enough to love me back promised me a future and talked about weddings but the second someone else walked by those dreams went up in smoke. I have spent years giving my all to friends who weren't there when I drowned in the cold abyss of the dark nights. Me finding love isnt going to change the world. Falling asleep in someone's arms isnt going to make this a better place when we wake.

When the tarot reader told me I'd never find conventional love I thought that meant that when the stars erupted and created the atoms that build my heart that those same atoms spread to create the hearts of others. That I was supposed to love everyone around me. I realize now that that's not the case. That I cant hand pieces of my heart at anyone who will take it or else I'll just end up empty time and time again. I thought I could build my heart with pieces of love from those I loved and it worked for a while, but what do you do when they take those pieces back? What am I supposed to do when slowly my makeshift heart gets taken back piece by piece, when with every piece that's taken the emptiness in my chest grows larger until I'm left empty again? My heart is an empty gas stop change jar because everyone takes from me but so rarely do they come back and return what I once gave them.

This time was the last time though, when this boy smiled at me and filled the emptiness of my heart with his own. We spent 3 years growing a forest of love with a family of animals. He swept me off my feet and showed me a love I thought only existed in fairy tales. Then the morning after my birthday I found the messages on his phone. Found out that he was unfaithful since 3 weeks into our relationship. Our forest burned but for some reason I tried to stay and rebuild the ashes while he kept playing with matches. For another year this boy used easy words and empty promises to keep me trying but in the end my lungs were so coated with smoke from the forest fire in my heart that I couldn't keep begging him to love me and just walked away.

Now the cold tile of my bathtub soothes the burns and the tears clear my eyes. I beg strange men to hurt me in bed and I can no longer tell if the bruises they leave are self harm or self care.

Charlie was my pet rat.
She died in my arms this morning.
Her birthday was a week away and even though I knew she was old and frail nothing could have prepared me for it.
My boyfriend found her leaning against the side of her cage confused.
I had no idea how long she had been like that.
I held her for hours while I waited for my mom to take us to the vet to say goodbye.
She had a stroke so half of her body didn't work, she didn't have control of her tongue or left eye.
After a few minutes she seemed less confused as she recognized my scent and heartbeat.
Since her eyelids didn't work anymore I had to help her blink.
Her tongue didn't work so I slowly let water and yogurt run down her throat so she wouldn't be dehydrated or hungry.
This was the first time we ever cuddled, she never slowed down enough to be held for longer than a couple minutes
She was the reason a group of rats are called mischief
If there was trouble.to get into you know she'd be leading everyone else to it.
She would be your best friend if you shared your food and would still love you when you didn't
She loved her chin scratched and tried to eat my **** a few times.
Even at the end of her life she'd still chitter her teeth and boggle every time I'd put my lips to her little forehead.
Even in death her beautiful soul and pure love lit up the room
She passed a couple seconds after my mom walked through my front door.
After I took her to the vet to get her paw prints he promised me she went peacefully.
That she felt no pain and the DMT in her brain made sure she was happy.
At least she wasn't alone.
I hiked into the mountains walking down the river with my best friend in a box till I found the spot her old friends were buried.
As I write this that spot and moment feels so far away.
Like it was some ghost of myself that held her through the seizures and that covered her body in dirt.
I feel like my spirit left with hers.
Her love, like all animals was pure.
She never loved because of what I gave to her, she loved me for me.

She was my Charlie, my Char char, my charbean, my little ragdoll, my food ***, my little derp, and occasionally my little *******. She was my optimism and the silver lining to every bad day. But most importantly she was my baby and I promised to love her forever and even though she is gone I will always keep my promise.

Dear Chloe,
‎I don't know if I ever felt truly loved before you.
‎Every love I've ever has felt like a performance, hiding the parts of myself that felt undesirable so others could love me.
Who knew a sweet little rat would be the one to really see me.
‎You came from ruin like me. our lives were cowering from the predators all around us, it was looking over your shoulder and making yourself as small as possible for fear of being the next victim.
‎
So ‎when you first crawled into my sweater and fell asleep to the sound of my heart beating I knew I would never let you go. That I had to keep living so the metronome of my heart could always be your lullaby.
You will never know how you saved me.

Sometimes I wonder what you must think of me. We will always have a language divide, what do you think of my tears? The big wet drops that fall from my eyes and onto your head as my body trembles and I hold you so tight.
Do you get scared for me when I hiccup like I do you?
When I feel you for bumps and lumps do you know I do it out of love?

You have grown so much, you have gone from a shy child hiding behind her mother to loud and proud. You're not afraid to yell or fight even with those closest to you, asking for love has always been easy. There's so much I have learned from you .

You make me whole. You make my days so much brighter. So when I found the blood the month of your first birthday everything went dark. The shadows you had evaporated in the back of my brain crept through my body and froze my soul.

I rushed you to the vet to be poked and prodded. For two weeks after I spoiled you and gave you medicine, I swear you thought it was poison until surgery.
I remember waiting for the call, my leg bouncing for six hours while I stared at my screen like some twisted Schrodinger's box where you were both alive and dead on the operating table.

I finally let myself cry for the first time in weeks when I was told I could take you home.

That night I had a nightmare your incision opened up and guts came tumbling out into my hand. So when I woke and saw you chewed it part way open I ran you back to the vet. They put you back together and I dedicated all my time to you. I slept every night for a  week with my hands in your cage holding you. And the other two with you asleep on my pillow.

I know you'll never understand this letter  I hope that you know just how much I love you. I don't know how I'll ever cope with the shortness of your life but I will make sure everyday you feel loved. Though your light burns bright as fast I will never forget the love you have showed me.

Dear Suicide,
*******. I will not forgive you for the havoc you have wrecked on my life, I will no longer hold you like a parent, or lover. You are no longer my Friend, you are not the comforting bed I can sink into when the world is too heavy for my concave chest.

You have always been there, ever since I was born. You were there when I was a few months old and my mother tried to end our lives together so she wouldn't leave me alone. You were there six months later in the ***** hotel room holding my mother's drug filled arms to lift the bottle of pills to the trembling lips calling out for her children, her husband, someone so she wouldn't be alone. You fed her the pills and promised she wasn't alone, she had you after all. Sometimes I wonder if you'd always been there for her too.

I remember you creeping around corners my whole life, I wonder if you cursed my name the nights I'd insist on sleeping in my dad's bed because before I even knew what suicide was I knew your vice like hands held his heart after you crushed my mother's.

After you saw my father wouldn't be the next victim, you wouldn't rip this family apart that way you settled for me. I was 10 when you crept back into our home, you came to me as a fleeting shadow in the corner of my eye when the classmates teased me. Slowly you crept into my tears and the more I cried the more you possessed my mind. In middle school you taught me that you'd give me peace if I let the blood seep, that the deeper the blade dragged into my skin the closer to you I'd be.

Slowly I began to worship you, made alters in my closest out of rope I'd pray to be strong enough to fall into. I wanted to be a sacrifice to you. All my waking thoughts were of you, you were a comfort nothing else could offer me, an off button. If I wanted I could turn it all off, I could finally meet the woman I had no memory of.

As time went on I tried to forget you, I'd plunge myself into life and into creating a better end for myself. You wouldn't let me go though, Everytime I missed a question on my test or burnt a meal I'd hear your voice offering me an out. Over time you got obsessive and violent screaming that'd I'd end up like my mother anyway so why fight the inevitable, it's better to leave on a high note than after everyone left me.

I never let you win though. I fought to eradicate you from my life, I refused to let you win. I still won't let you control my thought anymore. When I get knocked down by life, when all the odds are against me I no longer wish I was dead, I thank the universe for the opportunity to get up again, to change things and be a stronger person than I was yesterday.

Sincerely,
The person you tried to destroy.

There is always that one constant in your life,
that person or thing that is always there,
never late,
that never grows tired of soaking up your tears during the late nights when everything seems to go wrong.
My rock solid anchor is James.
He is my best friend of two years and boyfriend of six months.
He never fails to pick up the phone,
never hesitates to wrap his arms around me when my atoms start falling apart and making combustions in my own brain,
he always texts me in the morning,
never shows up late and always makes sure I am okay.
He is my 100 year old willow tree,
sturdy and safe,
branches that shade my head from the rain and hold me high in the sky when the sun is out from behind the clouds.

Needless to say he never fails me.
Over time I grew used to having James around,
to him replying to all of my texts and always picking up the phone.
One day he didn’t pick up.
Didn’t respond to my ‘good morning’ text,
or my ‘sneaking away at lunch to tell you I love you’ message
and when he hadn’t got back to me by the end of the school day I knew something was wrong.
Every hour I called him,
every 30 minutes I texted him........twice.
At eight o’clock I had given up,
decided he was ignoring me and turned my phone off.
As though he was reading my mind I heard the phone in my dorm ringing so I went up to it and saw James number flashing on the I.D.
I picked it up freezing my vocal chords,
preparing the ice queen voice I’ve been practicing my entire life.
I took a deep breath and right as I was about to say something I know I would regret
I heard a shaken voice say my name.

Any semblance of anger or hurt dissipated from my body as I told the man,
whose voice I never heard so much as shiver,
that I was there.
I sat silently in the suddenly too hard chair as I heard him struggle to spit out the words I realize he has spent all day practicing
and finally I heard in a voice more tears than sustenance say



“Alex, I might have cancer.”




I never knew how fast your world could turn upside down.

Now I am not a weak person,
I have lived through more than most of my friends,
I survived a mother’s suicide,
a father’s absence,
and a stepmother’s abuse
and more destructive bonds than I can count.
But in that moment I felt my stomach sink like I ate a thousand pieces of osmium.
I didn’t know what to say,
so I didn't say anything.
I just sat there. Listening,
hearing James tell me he might be dying of testicular cancer
and hearing him break down for the first time in years.
I remember knowing I had to be strong,
having to accept the role of the calm optimistic girlfriend as I sat there assuring him he was okay,
that the doctor would just say it’s just a bump,
not a tumor,
not a deadly thing that could rip my best friend away.

For the next few days I was in a daze
simply floating through classes and waiting until I got to talk to him next,
waiting until he got the results back.
He was a wreck and so was I
but I never let him know how scared I was,
I just sat there and promised him I’d be there no matter what
no matter what the test results said.
I never let my voice quiver when we were on the phone,
but right when the call would end
I’d walk empty to my room and let the tears slide down my face.
I’d stay there for a couple minutes,
fix my makeup,
then go back and text him
and eat
and act normal with friends.
I love him too much to show how scared I was
I knew it’d scare him.
A week before I got the call James and I were talking about words,
when he asked me what word I despise,
I said
‘Almost’
and when he asked why
I explained to him that
almost means that us humans came to the brink of something amazing but fell short just so many times that we made a word for it.
The day I got that call I officially changed my least favorite word to malignant.
Malignant is the reason my sister died three days before my birth,
malignant is the reason my mother killed herself,
malignant is the reason I own my uncles Rv,
malignant is the reason I dyed my hair pink for a 12 year old girl
and the reason Sierra stopped attending school
Malignant is the reason my stepmother doesn’t have a daughter.
Malignant means I spent three weeks vomiting every morning while I waited for the doctor to finally get the results back from the tumor that sprouted over the summer
as I worried at age 13 if I would end up inheriting my families genes,
ones with holes where being healthy is supposed to be.
Malignant is the cause of almost,
because every cancer patient I’ve known has come so close to something beautiful but just fell too short.

A few days later I learned that almost can be a beautiful word
when I heard in a voice more sunshine than sorrow
“It was almost bad,
I’m okay though,
it’s not cancer,
it’s just a weird blood vessel.
I don’t even need surgery, I’m not going to die.”
and I remember laughing like the joker
as every feeling of
fear and
doubt was ripped from my body in an instant,
and I remember him laughing along.
I learned a lesson that day,
that no matter how strong someone is and how much they care for you
there will still be times when they need you to be strong for them.
When you have to shove aside your feelings and simply tell them that
everything will be okay,
because in the end sometimes that’s all someone needs to hear.

I'm the black of the night sky and you are the stars.
Without me you wouldn't shine so bright,
But without you, oh I'd be so empty.

Can I be invisible?
Slowly disappear into nothing.
People slowly forgetting the girl who they once saw.
Isolate myself from the world until even the atoms that hold me together abandon my body.

Can I walk the world?
Unseen slowly shuffling towards a future with no light,
a ghost in a world full of nobodies.
An invisible entity that rips the sun from the sky in hopes it's burn will warm my soul,
plunging everyone in a darkness when even the sun falls a part in my death ridden hands.

Can I be the darkness in the corner of the room?
The unnoticed entity that's only proof of existence is the moan of misery that lifts through the air
Often confused as the settling of foundation.

Can I be the howling in the middle of the night?
The wind ripping through houses like a mad woman's screams as she runs down the halls of an asylum.

Can I finally crumble into insanity?
let go and finally be free.

The day I met you, you held my hand while my parents screamed, stayed on the phone when I didn't want to face the deafening fall out. That night I bared my body to you, forgetting you were a stranger twice my age.. You told me we are perfectly compatible, You were the one who is OCD about numbers and time while I was failing math and struggling to keep up, you should have known 14 and 27 are not compatible numbers. I once called you 3 minutes after I said I would and you ignores me for a week until I agreed to show you my **** to make it up to you. Our relationship consisted of petty arguments, razor blade insults, commands, and punishments when I didn't do as you asked. For example do you remember the time when I told you I didn't feel beautiful and you made me starve myself for three days and workout for two months, what about the time I told you I didn't want to have children till I was 20 and you told me no one would want me then and you'd never wait for my ****** to be ready to have a family. What about the times I tried to leave and you threatened to end your life, do you remember that? No... You probably don't. Because even when I close my eyes I can still see the half dozen emptied beer bottles on the floor of your ***** apartment in the background of the pictures of you with a gun to our head as you begged me to take you back. You told a 14 year old girl you put your life in her hands knowing they shook and trembled every time she heard your voice slur as you told her not to eat because she was fat or that it was her fault you beat her. you became the skeleton in my closet and the monster under my bed the ghoul peeking through the curtains and knife weilder in the laste nights. I became the dying flower in a glass jar, but unlike beauty in the beast every time a petal wilted to the ground like a tear sliding down y cheek you only got stronger. I was not your beauty, you didn't realize you were a beast. I don't know if I'll ever forgive you.

When I was a Girl who's only super power was sleeping and crawling
My mother passed away
Left my father to raise two young children all on his own
He gave up everything for us
Sold the restaurant he had spent years saving to build
The motorcycle he swore would always be his
The one that set off car alarms and ******* neighbors.

When I was a girl who's greatest superpower was my ability to make imaginary friends
I thought my dad was superman
He fixed scraped knees
Fended off scary bugs
And beat impossible levels on video games.
I never realized it but he did more noble feats than kiss booboos and squish spiders.
Money never came easy to us, most of the time my father stayed unemployed so he could raise two children with love
Raised us on the retirement from fighting like captain America for our country

When I was a girl who's super power consisted of seeing the good in the world I always wondered why my dad didn't eat with us most days
Or why the lights sometimes went off
And water was cold
I know now that my superhero chose to pay for food for us over bills
And spread Mac and cheese boxes to last a lifetime
He gave up the comfort of food so we could have full tummies
And for that I'll always be grateful

When I was a girl who's super power was selfishness
I hoped for a mother
Wished on every birthday cake and shooting star
Praying to one day have a mom.
I paid the price for my selfishness
My wish came true the day my dad brought his new fiancé home

When I was a girl who's superpower was invisibility
My stepmother told me my mom never wanted me
Called her a useless **** head
And called me stupid.
I saw my father less and less
And At first he swooped in to save me from the wounds of her words.
But she stole his cape.

I am a girl with the power to masquerade as a woman now
And I speak only a few words to my father a week
My stepmothers words still wound me
But she is my fathers kryptonite
Stripping him of his powers leaving behind a tired man.
she has pulled our family from poverty and for that I'm grateful
But I'll never forgive her being the reason my fathers cape lay folded in the closet.
And every time I hear my father say he misses me it sounds like an apology for the last six years!
And when I say it back
I hope he can hear the begging to see him more.
My dad used to tell me he loved me every night before I went to sleep
Now we go days without saying it.
Without seeing each other
And now every time I hear it whispered under his breath as he gives a quick hug so the hulk doesn't see
It still sounds like the booming voice of the hero who carried me all the way home at three after getting stung by a wasp on the webbing of my finger and sobbing like I was going to die
And I feel the lump in my throat swell every time I echo it back like sonar
And can still see whisps of a cape behind him as he diffuses dr.dooms time bomb by saying the dish in the sink is his and sneaking me a wink.
I refuse to lose my dad to distance before I lose him to disease.

I am a girl learning how to control the power of the world around me
My father is dying.
Liver giving out from years of untreated disease after years of putting his health aside.
And he pulls oh his cape every time he smiles like a rain after a 100 year drought and tells me
'I'll be okay. You know I'm invincible.'
And I always say that I do forcing insincerity out of my voice.
I can see the weight of the cape he has worn for so long take its toll
His back is arching from the weight of having to be strong
A bulletproof savior of this family.
So I will take it from him.
Bear the burden of being strong and putting others needs before me.
I will shelter him under it whenever deadshot's bullets of insults come flying.
Because even though at times I thought I lost him.
With or without a cape
My farther is still my hero.

And I am a girl learning to be his.

My lover introduced me to a girl named Ana today.
She is an emancipated horror who I am scared to know.

My lover told me he introduced all his exes to Ana, Ana will help our relationship grow
I ask if he thinks I'm fat
All he says is to get to know ana and Things will be better.

I shake hands with Ana and her voice Is intoxicating but I refuse to become addicted
She promises to let me be, only see me when I truly need.
Little did I know her fingers were crossed.

My loved coaxes me to meet with Ana more often
Run with her before school and sit with her at lunch
I hope she joins me for dinner tonight.

My lover praises me and tells me I'm becoming beautiful
But I wonder
Is he praising me or Ana
She's the beautiful one
And I am still fat

My lover tells me Ana made the *** better
As I screamed his name over and over again
In attempts to forget mine
And he loves that I no longer want the lights on when we do the deed
Praying the dark will hide the layers of chub clinging beneath my skin

My lover expects Ana to be with us at all times
I get angry at her and push her away breaking all her rules
And feeling guilty
I hope she'll take me back I learned my lesson
I crawl back to Ana

My lover introduces me to Mia
Says she'll be there for me when Ana fails me
Mia has scars on her knuckles and thin hair
But she promises what Ana denied me
And I gladly wrap my arms around her

My lover tells me ana and Mia are the only friends I'll ever need
I have to agree
My others have left me
My true friends tell me
It was because I was skinnier than them
But now I'm the fattest friend again

My lover is proud of Ana Mia and I
Tells me they've made me perfect
I can finally stop meeting them
I agree
And later that night the three of us rendezvous in the bathroom
To test the scale
And my gag reflex

My lover is angry at me
I've betrayed him with my meetings
He tells me if I don't leave them he'll leave me
Is tired of waking up to find me with my head passed out on the toilet seat

My lover is no longer mine
Left me for a curvy girl
Well that's fine with me
My only true loves are Ana and Mia
And I know they'll never leave me.

My new lovers make me pretty
And tell me I'll soon be perfect like them
I feel beautiful every time I lose the weight
But they make me feel useless when I don't follow their commands

My lovers tell me not to talk to a boy
Explain I'm not thin enough yet
Tell me to **** in my stomach when he looks at me
But I sense no judgement in his eyes
I tell them this is what they've prepared me for
And they scream that I'm not ready and he'll take them away from me
I'm scared to lose them
But I still meet him when I've managed to keep them at bay with leaf

My lovers are suffocating me
Shoving their fingers down my throat and slamming my wrist to the table when I pick up a fork
I'm scared they'll never let me be
Their eyes are hallow
And I can't find their compassion

My lovers are no longer beautiful
I see them as they are
Emancipated lifeless things
Praying for me to join them
They hold out their skeletal hands
Begging me to take them
Their lips are blue and voice raspy
And I want nothing more to run away but I'm stuck in place

I've left my lovers
They're still screaming
Clinging to my back with surprising weight
Hair falling out onto me
Whispering sweet nothings
Then screaming when I don't so as they say

My lover
Is a boy who sees me without fear
Does not scare away when he sees the girls clinging to me
Or the way my ribs jut out when I don't eat for a day
And I trust him every time he tells me
I'm beautiful
Even though the girls are whispering in ashen voices
***** I make you beautiful
Please come back and I'll make you drop dead gorgeous.
But I don't want to be gorgeous if it means being six feet under.

My old lovers are shrinking
Voices drying up every time I sip cream filled coffee
Arms weakening every time I lift the bite of cake to my lips.
They are dying with every meal I eat
Their voices getting quieter the longer I go without listening.
I only hope one day they do die
So that way I don't.

One lover introduced me to a horrendous disease. I'm not going to call them Ana and Mia anymore Because naming them is just a sad way of trying to control them
As if by personifying them We make them less dangerous Like a game or child's story. But this is a disease that killed thousands and almost killed me. One in five girls with an eating disorder die. I was one of the lucky few Don't be the one. Get help.If I can defeat this You can obliterate it. It won't be easy But it'll be more than worth it. Throw away the scale Burn the tape measurer You are more than a number You are beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you different. not a lover Or society Or yourself. Love yourself And others will follow suit. And in case you need to hear it I love you. Beat this I'll be here, Never be afraid to ask for strength. I don't have much But I'll give you all of it. If only to see you wake up in your bed instead of on the floor of the bathroom Stuck to the tile by sweat. To weak to sit up To tired to breath no matter who you are or what you've done No matter your lowest or highest weight Or how many ribs I can see No matter if I even know your name I love you. And if you ever need it I'll be here Just a message away And I promise I will give you all the strength I have just to help you get through a meal. Even if what you need is someone to sit and hold your hand and encourage you to take every bite or someone to tell you that you are beautiful when you can't bring yourself to fully believe it.
So please help yourself and Don't listen to others say "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" because so many things do.
Fresh donuts with coffee on days you don't want to face the light of morning
Pizza with friends while playing ****** video games and watching even ******* rom coms
Thanksgiving turkey
Christmas ham
Hot cocoa with a lover who sees stars in your eyes
But most of all
Life.
Life tastes better than any number.

I have an angel doll that looks like my mom on my wall, I cant look at it or bring myself to take it down.
2. I'm scared I'll only be in abusive relationships
3. I think I hate my mother.
4. I'm terrified I'll end up like my dad even tohugh I love him.
5. I discount my feelings till i fall a part.
6. I don't know if i want to recover from self harm.
7. I pretend to like bands so my friends dont hate me.
8. When I got lonely I sent strangers pictures of my body.
9. I almost killed myself 8 times last month.
10. I don't think I will ever love anyone.
11. I love too many people.
12. Being called annoying makes me cry every time.
13. I don't remember almost anything before 6th grade.
14. Sometimes I can convince myself I am dead.
15. When i get upset i lock myself into my closet and cry.
16. None of my old friends talk to me anymore.

The only light in my room is the blue of my skull lantern, red of my lava lamp and flicker of candle. It's hard to explain but it's surprisingly beautiful. The blue is making colors normally left unseen in the daylight pop off of my fuzzy pegasus blanket. The red glitter casting lights around my room like a million little supernovas. The candle is flicking light across my black curtains sweeping through my room pushed by the night winds like the souls of the lost. Will i become on of them? It's raining hard against my open windows and i can smell the damp earth a ****** throw away from where i sit under my luminescent posters and black and white photos depicting people torn and broken finding redemption. Will i ever be one of them? I have the overwhelming need to walk out into the dark blanket of the night, let my bare feet sink into the soft green blades beneath me, these ones wont cut me. I want to walk under the heavy moon resting like a jewel in the fabric of space, I long to wander these 23 acres wading through ankle deep currents, crawl through sharp thorns, run with the deer and howl with the lonely coyote. I want to treat the stars like old friends, tell them my woes and lost loves, my regrets and deepest fears, confide in them my scariest dreams, insecurities, joys, sorrows, loves. I'll beg the universe to put it's faith in me, ask it to recognize my existence because it sure as hell know i recognize its. But I'm not out there wih the rain washing away my fears. I'm lying naked atop a fuzzy blanket feeling the swirls of wind licking the skin of my legs, stoumache and face raising goosebumps like an old lover. Half of me shrouded in cold half warmed by the softness beneath me lulling me to sleep the other is begging me to stay awake, keep observing the world aorund me. I wont give into the warmth. I'll lay here awake ears flooded with the sound of sad guitars and tired voices, looking at the illuminated colors smelling the soft earth and nights perfume, feeling the dark run it's hands over the half of me i give it. Maybe I'll give it the rest of me, I wonder what I'll find? Only now do I feel at home under fluttering feathers of broken dream catchers, next to faceless angels and fantasy heros. They say everyone has a happy place, I finally found mine. In the middle of the night surrounded by pale light while only those who think like me are awake, looking at the same stars begging them for their own forgiveness. This is my place of peace how long will it last until somone finds it and taints it or takes it away like everything else? THis is the only place soft on my brittle bones, tender on my aching muscles. Yhe only place with enough air for my colapsing lungs. The night swoops me up in it's arms twirling me in the moonlight, dipping me in the stars. When I'm with the dark I dont have to confront the empty side of my bed because it fills it. The night is my lover and I'd give anything to stay in it's catastrophically beautiful embrace. The bittersweet dismay is I cant stay. So tonight I'll crawl into the warmth of my bed, drift into a deep sleep and pray to one day be nocturnal and join the night until the ends of my days. When my body gives way to the dust, I hope the night absorbs me, turns me into a shining star for wanderers to pray upon, and welcome me home.

Letter to my parents who for some odd reason feel the need to micro-manage my life and treat me like a villian:

First off, *******. All you do is act holy and like you are better than me. You act like you never made any mistakes, and ohhh yes you did ones waaay worse than mine. You're gonna tell me I cant see my friends or watch tv because I smoked. Well what about you? You've told me some pretty crazy stories about your teenage days getting ****** and drunk and skipping class and ******* off. At least I go to school, at least I go to school and do my work and don't get ****** before class. At least I'm ******* responsible. Oh and I've been grounded from the internet for over a year for dating a ****** bag and being "Inappropriate" with him. Remind me about your pregnancy at what? 14? 15? HAHA at least I'm still a ******* ******. I'm rude?I'M RUDE?!?!?! SAYS THE ***** WHO STILL CALLS BLACK PEOPLE ******* AND GAY PEOPLE *******, SAYS THE ***** WHO CALLS HER STEPKID CRAZY AND SAYS ONLY HER AD WOULD CARE IF SHE WERE POISIONED, SAYS THE ***** WHO MAKES SUICIDE AND BULIMIA JOKES LIKE ITS ******* FUNNY!!!! SAYS THE ***** WHO FAT SHAMES PEOPLE AND TALKS **** ABOUT CHILDREN TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN!!!! i'M ******* RUDE?!?!?! I'VE NEVER STOOD UP FOR MYSELF AND IM DONE WITH IT!! You have 2 ******* choices, either change and treat me like a human instead of an animal! Or I'm leaving. I'm moving the **** out and taking matters into my own hands. Try to stop me. I'll tell DHS about you pretending to call the cops on my brother and saying he was trying to stab you (He wasnt) all because he came home. I'll tell them about you locking jake out of the house when he had a fever of 112 and he nearly DIED. I'll tell them half of the **** you do and you'll be in prison faster then you can come up with some ******* lie. WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS ILLEGAL. Even if you arent my legal guardian it's still considered neglect and child abuse. So come at me. Either you shape up or I leave because I'm NOT gonna sit here and listen to some random ***** tell me I'm a **** up IM useless IM nothing. I am worth it. I deserve happiness, i deserve to be able to leave my room without having anxiety attacks. I deserve to be able to have a self confidence that doesnt revolve around what you think of me. I want to be happy. And if i keep getting everything taken away for a simple mistake and never being able to live it down, I'll never be happy. Just ******* let me  breath, let me **** up, I promise if oyu stop suffocating me then I'll come to you with my problems, but if you keep suffocating me and making me scared to even ask when dinner is that'll never happen.

Street lights illuminates your tired eyes
Cigarette smoke envelopes us
Distorting our lies
the guitar in our hands
the only thing keeping us alive
we pass it around like a tired lover
In this concrete suburbia
Steal beams wrap themselves around our throats,
tonight we'll scream until angels hear our mournful serenade
and write letters to God demanding that he save us.
The susurration of these strings set us free
These leaves fall around our heads
making us remember the times they made us bleed
Silence is the only thing we fear tonight
We need to escape this cookie cutter prison
So we hit the pavement
driving into whatever gust pulls at us
Wind in my hair
breath in the trees
We streak down the street forgetting the definition of control
Tonight we'll leave an epic story of
Love and defeat.
The breeze drags us to your old home town
The one that beat you down then questioned why you bleed
We stopped at your old house looking up at the battered blinds
Dragging our feet in the midnight breeze we wander the town
and I listen to stories of bravery and deceit.
coming across the tea light battered gazebo in the middle of town
I spin underneath letting the world around me fade into a blur of faces and trees and light
It feels as though I've spiraled out of this destructive planet
into my own galaxy
One where no one can touch me and we can be free.
The hands of the night push me forward to a child's play structure
ripping me back into our stratosphere
I run to it letting myself be young again
forgetting the anxieties that plague my waking hours
I climb as fast as my arms will carry me swinging to the top
Laughter erupts from a place inside me i forgot exists
As I scream obscenities into the darkened sky
screaming to the stars like they give a ****
but I'll make them care
we are all born to die
but tonight oblivion wont find me
I'm crossing my name off of the tombstone.
Rickety swings call my name as I pump my tired legs
willing myself higher and higher until i feel as though I'll fall into the darkness above me and become one with the beauty around me.
That night I did not fear death
I did not fear that I would run out of time before I lived
But I know people who were not so lucky
At 3am we all snuck onto the elementary school grounds
that you went to for 7 years
to pay homage to a dead boy I never met.
Philip, I never met you
but you sounded so brilliant
and I’m sorry that light had to be snuffed out prematurely.
I’m sorry you never got to run around at midnight
with people who make you feel alive.
I’m so sorry you never got the chance to live like you were dying.
I decided that night to live for both of us.
I’ll explore this world
Wrap my experiences around this realm
So that way maybe when I join you in yours
You’ll be proud.
When we leave I smile
Tonight we are alive
I jump on a strangers back
riding off towards a sleepy city
And even when we tumble and stumble down
Pavement biting into our sides
I feel no pain
Just a rupture of color and light.
This world may drag us down
But it isnt the end
We sit on an old bench
trading stories of lost loves
and broken promises
Maybe this is a shout into the void
and maybe no one will hear this
But I AM ALIVE
WE ARE INFINITE
On the ride home we cranked up the stereo
Spinning out of control in turnarounds
sliding into each other
and when we get back
I know we all won’t forget this night.
We won’t forget each other.
We are tied together with a red thread
binding us for life.
Tonight we were eternity.

"Why are you so stressed about school? It's not that hard! It was harder when I was a kid!"

Well then explain to me why student anxiety levels is the same as those of a mental health patient in the 50's? Explain why student can't breath when they hear the word 'test' they start shaking!
Explain the tear marks on 3 am assignments and trembling handwriting of someone who just wrote suicide notes.
Explain the girl sobbing on the bathroom floor because they know they just failed a test.
Explain the dead eyes and broken pencils, explain why the hell a student who once craved knowledge now skips classes!
Explain why the child cries over a **** number!
Explain why we tell these student that unless they pass they will be NOTHING! EXPLAIN WHY WE TELL THESE STUDENTS THEY WILL BE NOTHING!!! Please tell me why a single test has the power over a student to drive them off the edge!
Explain why a letter of A-F can tear families a part.
Explain why this world tells her she will amount to nothing if they don't go through 4 more years of torture,
Explain why they have to keep saying "Things will get better, things will get better." NOW SHOULD BE BETTER!!
Explain why students have been counting down the seconds till they graduate since they were 3.
Explain why student are up till 4 am surviving on nothing but coffee so they can hope to have a future.
Explain why students go to school sick, risking their health so they can stay caught up? Explain why we tell kids without education they will be nothing, but don't try to give it to them.
Explain why we let students be nothing.
Explain why we send our kids running towards the future instead of enjoying their youth.
Explain why we don't let students breath. Explain why when a teacher sees a kid crying because they are running on 2 hours of sleep and monster because they studied for a test they still don't understand the teacher just tells them to buck up. Explain why we see nothing wrong enough with that? Explain why we see nothing wrong with dead eyes and empty tummies.
Explain why we let students feel like they are nothing...

Oh Romeo,
Oh Romeo,*

                   She cried in the bathroom,
crying for air
                  And working on her final escape plan
Concealing the bruises keeping it cool
                 So you won't see until the end.

I'm not sorry I loved you,
I'm sorry I didn't leave you when I had the chance.

Lip Ring,
Tattoos,
You'll never brighten up a room.

I used to be a rose,
Now I'm mostly just thorns.

When I met you the stars aligned,
They spelled out 'RUN!'

You're knuckles were paintbrushes,
My skin your flinching canvas.

You said a man never forgets his first redhead,
What color are my eyes?

You once told me love is pathetic.
Love sounds just like you.

I was your crutches when your heart was breaking
I was your scarf and gloves to keep you warm in the winter.
But when the sun came
You didn't need me.
When your heart healed,
You tossed aside your crutches
And I waited for the cold to come
Leaving your heart broken
begging for warmth and support.

The water swirls around my head,
I think so much I should be dead.

When I was a little girl I loved going to the fair.
seeing the clowns
rides
and carnies.
but my favorite thing to see at the fair is the fun house
Remember those?
Where mirrors flooded the walls bending towards you
distorting the image you saw to one of absurd portions
Nose swelling larger
legs shrinking
hips inflating.
I loved seeing the shapes my body could take.
...I haven't been to a fun house in years.
And even if I went I know the mirrors would look like those that hang in my room.
Body dysmorphia is it's own fun house
one full of insecurities and self-hate.
It makes regular mirrors bend my perception of reality.
Makes my stomach bloat
thighs inflate
cheeks widen
eyes shrink
My mind has turned into a trapeze act
And I don't know if i want it to stop.

For our anniversary
you gave me a rope necklace
Then got angry when i started
chocking on
my
words.

It matters not what you do
Because at the end of the day
you're the looking at your own reflection
wondering what you've become.

Dear He-Who-Shant-Be-Named,
I'm sorry I'm never good enough for you,
I'm sorry you found someone better,
I'm sorry I didn't have the body you wanted,
I'm sorry I had problems.
I'm sorry I miss you,
I'm sorry I loved you too much.
I'm sorry I didn't see the signs.
I'm sorry I can't move on.
I'm sorry I see you in everyone who passes by.
I'm sorry you were my first and only love.
I'm sorry I couldn't stop saying sorry.

WELL I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING INSECURE
I APOLOGIZE FOR WISHING TO HEAR SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY FIND HARD TO BELIEVE FFS I KNOW I'M ANNOYING AND I KNOW I'M CLINGY AND I KNOW I CARE WAY TO MUCH ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE BACK
I APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING A HEART THE SIZE OF THE MOON
I APOLOGIZE THAT YOU TOOK A SPACE SHIP AND LEFT YOUR MARK ON IT!
I APOLOGIZE FOR WANTING FOR ONCE IN A LONG TIME TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE ACTUALLY CARES
I APOLOGIZE FOR WANTING TO TALK TO YOU FOR MORE THEN TEN MINUTES
I APOLOGIZE FOR CARING
I APOLOGIZE FOR WANTING TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY
I APOLOGIZE FOR HANGING OFF YOUR WORDS BECAUSE I FIND THEM AMAZING
I APOLOGIZE FOR MESSAGING YOU A COUPLE TIMES IN A ROW BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE TAKES THE TIME TO EVEN LOOK INTO MY HEART AND CARE WHAT I THINK
I APOLOGIZE FOR CARING ABOUT YOUR OPINION
I APOLOGIZE FOR WANTING A STRAIGHT ANSWER FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF UP AND DOWN ROLLER COASTER **** WHERE ONE DAY YOU MAKE ME THINK YOU CARE THEN THE NEXT IGNORE ME LIKE IM A ******* BEE IN YOUR EAR.
I APOLOGIZE FOR ALWAYS BEING THE FIRST TO MESSAGE YOU
I APOLOGIZE FOR PRETENDING TO NOT BE HURT WHEN YOU GIVE ME ONE WORD RESPONSES
I APOLOGIZING FOR KNOWING YOU HAVE DEPRESSION AND KNOWING IT SOMETIMES EFFECTS YOU BUT I CANT TAKE NOT KNOWING IF I AM JUST A BOTHER
I APOLOGIZE I NOTICE WHEN YOU DROP AWAY LIKE A BIRD SHOT OFF A TELEPHONE LINE
I APOLOGIZE FOR GIVING A **** AND FEELING LIKE MAYBE JUST ******* MAYBE YOU MIGHT FEEL THE SAME
I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING WHAT YOU WANT
I APOLOGIZE FOR ASSUMING YOU HAVE OTHERS BUT WITH MY PAST HOW COULD I NOT?!?!
I APOLOGIZE FOR SEEING HINT TRACES OF COMPASSION IN YOU THAT MAKES ME FALL HEAD OVER HEELS FOR YOU
I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING OKAY EVERY DAY
I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT ALWAYS KNOWING WHAT TO SAY OR HOW TO SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY
I APOLOGIZE FOR CARING.
I APOLOGIZE FOR WANTING TO READ MORE INTO YOU
I APOLOGIZE FOR WANTING TO KNOW THE REAL YOU
I APOLOGIZE FOR WANTING TO GET BEHIND YOUR MASK
I APOLOGIZE FOR READING INTO THE SIGNS WRONG BUT THEY LOOK LIKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.
I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING HUMAN
AND LASTLY
I APOLOGIZE FOR APOLOGIZING FOR WHAT I DIDN'T DO WRONG.

The easiest way to break your heart is to think everyone feels love the same way you do.

For a generation labeled as "Reckless" we only seem to be reckless to ourselves.

I see you in the Fall
The red leaves whipping in the wind like your hair flowing behind you.
The chaotic movement connect to something
strong
sturdy
safe.
I see you in the fall.
The wind screaming in my ear
like you when the schizophrenia kicked in
terrifying
but beautiful
in a broken sort of way.
I see you in the fall.
Like the flowers that bend towards the slightest glimmer of sunlight
just as you would hold onto any ray of hope that came your way
like it was the last time you'd see it
I see you in the fall
as the trees show their branches
it leaves falling like your hair did
Beautiful
despite it's baldness
I saw you in the fall.
But now it's winter and like the leaves on the trees
You are gone.

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When I grow up
I want the world to be happy
Because as of now
It is not

For you see
This world is shrouded in hatred
And love can be bought

All around conveyed love is being traded for physicality

As the players get stronger
And the girl
She cried out to a diety
She doesnt even believe in

Because he left her
Broken
Bruised
And
Pregnant

Leaving her for another girl
One with a bigger rack
And ***
Even though she shook hers
Every night on stage
Baring her body for strangers

Only so when she goes home
He can unleash his rage
So she gives him her money
And he loosens his grip on her
Freshly
Dyed
Hair

Then he'll pretend to care
As he invests her money in his new Jordans
Instead of rehab for his
Crack head lover.

because he never loved her.
If he did He wouldnt be saying
"That baby isn't mine."
So he can spend more time
With the new girl by his side.

A girl who's snorting coke
And lets strangers hands
Travel up her bruised thighs

I Cant be happy seeing this world in this disgruntloed state

Because A young boy hangs up
A flowery dress in a closet full of
dusty skirts and heels

His moms attempt at making him
"Normal"

Because what you don't know is he was born a She
But she wants to be a he
And he doesnt know somewhere out there
A he wants to be a she

But they feel more alone
As their parents threaten to send them to camps
In failed attemps to make them
"Okay" In the eyes of
Their God

So he lays in bed
Blood pouring from his
Self inflicted wounds
One for every missed label
As they call him a her
Or he a she

But they don't see it
"It's just a pronoun right?"
Maybe to you
Because you haven't fought
your whole life
To be called something few
are open eyed enough to see you as.

But he can see it clearly
as he pins back his hair
and puts on his binder

I tend to fall for beautiful destruction.

The ones who will dedicate my favorite love song to me
So when they leave I can't hear it without thinking of them.

The ones who will call late at night
and talk about nothing
Till i drift to asleep
So i cant rest until i hear their voice wish me goodnight.

The ones who will designate an "Our thing"
So whenever I watch "Our Movie"
Or "Our Show"
I'll remember watching it with them
and have to turn it off.

The ones who give me one nickname
So no one can call me "Darling"
without it feeling wrong.

The ones who will make inside jokes
The ones only we know
So whenever someone mentions a small thing
Like soda pop or trailer trash
a small smile will cross my lips
as I remember them.

I tend to fall for someone who takes over the small things in my life
leaving their name all over them
So when they leave
the small things leave too
leaving a whole in my life
as the things that once brought me joy
Will only bring me to tears.

I fall for the ones my mom wouldn't warn me about.

I fall for the ones who make themselves unforgettable.

I fall for the ones who seem to care.

The ones who will spam my inbox
just to get my attention
when they know i feel lonely

The ones who will call
when I'm crying
Just so they can try to cheer me up.

The ones who will say They're proud of me
when I do what to some may be small
but to me is spectacular.

The ones who will listen to my deepest thoughts
Then tell the theirs.

I fall for those who never intend to stay.

I fall for those who will only hurt me.

The ones who when we're together make me feel like heaven.
But when they inevitably leave
Will destroy me.

I tend to fall for Beautiful Destruction.

These moments arent created
They're meant to be
Willamette
Music
You
And me
In this moment
Our bond is stronger than the current
Thats takes so many lives
Human we are
Human we be
But moments like this i'm finally free
Out lives can be washed away
Faster than we can smile about yesterday
And in the fire of our lust
We create our trust
In moments like these
My heart soars higher than vultures
But we arent dead
Not ******* yet
Moments like these remind me
That I am human.

Dreams
They aren't just things that appear at night
They take over your mind and heart and soul
Passion
Is what floods through your veins
When your overcome with who you are
Drive
is that ******* pull
Like gravity that makes you get out of bed
Its that veil that covers your mind of all common sense
When you wanna get where you gotta be
These three things keep us
Alive and help us move on
They are what make great men great
And weak men weak

The worst feeling in the world is that of realization.
Not realization as in enlightenment.
Realization as in that crushing moment when your wold falls and cumbles landing on your already broken heart.
Realization is when it hits you.
He's not yours anymore.
You can't text him anymore
He's not gonna tell you everything is okay.
He's never gonna say he loves you anymore.
He doesn't
You do.
He has moved on
You haven't.
He has a new girlfriend
It makes you cry.
He ignores you
You reach out to him as though searching for a lifeline.
As if a single hello will pull you out of the waters your drowning in.
Realization hurts.
Like when it hits that as your crying alone he's in another girls embrace.
As your breaking down
She's holding your world.
As you sit blade poised over your wrist.
She's kissing him and he's saying he loves her.
Just like he said to you.
He knows he hurt you
He doesn't care
He knows your crying
He wont be their.
He never will
Ever again.
After I put this pen down I'm done.
I'm going to block him
Delete the messages
Forget he once resided in my heart.
And move on.
So I can he happy.
This realization wont destroy me.
I won't let it.
Ever.

You take over my thoughts
like an army taking over the castle of my mind
pillaging my memories
****** my trust
marauding my joy
and burning down my bridges
forcing me to submit to you
call you my king
and treat you like such
you give me no contact to anyone outside your walls
i thought it was because you cared
foolish little girl
i realize now
you did it so i couldn't see how green the grass was
without you.
and that way people couldn't show me
all the cracks in your facade
flaws in your stories
and to think at one point
i thought you were pampering me
treating me like the queen i am
but no
you were simply masking the cyanide
covering it with a sweet tongue
so I wouldn't realize what you were doing to me
would one day lead to my demise
but that's what you wanted all along.
isn't it?
kidnap my heart
forcing my body to follow it
only so you can
keep that captive too
holding me in a cage
a cage made of
threats
anger
alcohol
and mostly
lust.

Your voice is stuck inside my head
like an old song I'd heard a thousand times,
It's melody once comforting
now only leaves me cold.
as bittersweet nostalgia washes over me
my mind replays the sweet nothings you once whispered in my ear.
every word carrying its own tune
but never carrying any weight
each syllable fluctuating ever so slightly
just like your emotions did
One day your words like feathers forming mighty wings to lift me up
others your words crafting cement blocks tethering my heart down
sinking to the bottom of a dark sea
each threat crashing around me like waves
throwing by body from side to side
like your hands once did

Claire
Your voice like bells
resonates through my mind
as memories of your brilliant smile
clouds my thoughts
and the glimmer in your eyes
resides in my fondest memories
for you see
you were there
maybe not physically
but more than anyone ever has
the simple paragraphs you'd write
causing an unbeknown smile to cross my cheeks
as warmth flooded through me
you are the epitome of beautiful
on the inside and out
Remember when we first met?
7 months ago
you were posted on
Just a Band *****
and with a few simple comments
you stole my heart.
after a few days of
threatening to kidnap bands
cuddles
and Dexter
I awoke to a wondrous surprise
you
asking me to be yours
i was hesitant at first
i didn't wanna hurt you
You meant to much to me.
but i agreed.
knowing what would happen would be something
only J.K. Rowling could explain
magic.
But alas we fell a part
Only to be brought back together
and to exchange three precious words
I love you.
now you see,
I'm not the type to exchange words of those caliber
for I know the weight of those words
as do you
So i knew when you said
I love you too
you meant it
and i hoped you knew i meant it to
we've gone on like this for nearly a year now
though we may break up
and see others
we're always drawn together
and I cant explain it
and i don't think anyone else can either
When i see you smile i melt
your eyes make me feel like I'm having a heart attack
but a good one
because I'm not gonna die while you're still beside me
you mean the world to me
and at risk of sounding creepy
I think your the one
and I need you
and
I love you.