Walking about campus
Minding my own business,
When suddenly
A person appears in my vision
My thoughts go by rapidly
I am at an internal division;
Hide or run
Pick one

So, since I fear what may come of running,
I hide
My heart is gunning
Friend lets me hide, making comments on the side
As said person passes by
I want to cry
Flashbacks hit like a boulder
My friend touches my shoulder
Tells me said person is gone
And I was seen, hiding like the meek little fawn I am

Then in my last class
I take the restroom pass
Walk out and into the open air
For now without a care
Go around the corner
Instantly put my head down line a mourner
Face white, like a wraith
I have no faith
In myself
I want to run and hide in a shelf
Because there's that person again
That I just can't seem to escape
Almost like they're waiting...
Hopefully not for me
I put my head down
Pass them by
Silence

Once inside the safety of the restroom
I feel like there is no room
I corner myself
For a second, I put my heart on the shelf
Back against the wall
I go back to an old habit
Hiding like a rabbit
Eventually coming out
Looking about
Then returning to class

After school
The air is cool
I sit at a bench
Read something in French
Wonder what it means
Then I look to my left
Don't know when they crept
So close to me
But they left me be
4 feet away from me
Chilling me to the bone
I just want to be left alone

Eye contact
Then quickly broken
By me
Hoping they'll leave me be
Nothing is done or said
But still I am filled with dread
Unsure why
But still, I cry

They leave, walk away
Thought they left my day
I go to my sister
To carry her bag
So the walk wouldn't be a drag
Then, 4 feet away
There is that person
Talking to a friend of mine
Great, just fine
I take the bag and go
My sister goes with the flow
And we leave it all behind us
Until the next dawn.

- Jay M
February 29th, 2020

I was your crimson beauty
Your vermilion wish
Hold me as I burn
Your secret little fire
Burn, burn my letters
Burn, burn away the sins
As you burn the memories

Vermilion wish,
Crimson beauty,
Are you real? Are you real?
The way you make me feel,
You made it seem so real

What once was
Shall it be again?
Memories so vivid,
Colorful delight,
Arrangement to estrangement,
Will my memory then die?

Burn, burn my letters
Burn, burn away the sins
As you burn the memories

Vermilion wish, vermilion dream,
I know you are real,
You mean so much to me…
Now I don’t know, I don’t know what to do
The likes of you,
Left a reaching hand
Reaching out, reaching out…

Walking out the door,
Didn’t turn to look,
But I did, I did
As you left the room,
I turned back to look,
I did, I did

Burn, burn my letters
Burn, burn away the sins
As you burn the memories

I understand, leave the open flame,
Open heart, let me bleed,
It’s okay, I’ll be okay,
Maybe not today, give me time

I was your vermilion dream,
And you were mine,
Still you are, still you are

You burn away, burn away my sins
I burned away yours
All was open, it’s still open,
Just for you,
Vermilion wishes,
I keep them alive for you

Hold me, I hold you,
Never meant to last,
But I didn’t see the end
Just wasn’t looking,
Maybe I just wasn’t looking

Space, it’s yours,
Time, I’ll always give you
As much as you need,
It’s okay, we’ll be okay,
Okay?

You burn away, burn away my sins
I hid them in my skin
Far beneath, but you see through
Right through me
Through me like glass
Through me like glass

Vermilion wishes,
Songs secretly sung,
Hold my words,
Hold them in your hands
In your heart,
Keep them there,
Reignite them when you need
Reignite them when you need

Burn my letters,
Burn, burn away the sins
I was your vermilion dream,
Your vermilion wishes
Steady now, steady now
You are real, it was real
Dreams can always come true
Reignite them when you need,
Reignite them when you need
Your call I will always heed

It’s okay, it’s okay,
Reignite them when you need

You burn away, burn away my sins
I burned away yours
All was open, it’s still open
Just for you, just for you
Vermilion wishes,
I keep them alive for you

I was your vermilion dream
And you were mine,
Still you are, still you will be
Reignite it when you need,
Steady now, steady now,
We’ve got time, whenever you need,
Your call I’ll always heed,
Just for you,
My vermilion dream.

- Jay M
December 9th, 2022

I say this now, for I havst not time left.
Not this fair night, in this night air, you see.
Goodnight, my love, for now I must go work.
School work, for there is much of it left still.
Adue, my darling, I must resume this
And you, surely you must resume your night.

(Tís Shakespeare my dear; rest well my darling.)

- Jay M
February 24th, 2020

Sitting alone
To my own thoughts
One topic
Becomes thousands
Fluxing about
At the speed of sound
Memories flashing
An aching in my chest
A gripped, compressed heart

A light
Dwindling
Scarcely able to survive
Running out of oxygen
Flickering in and out
I walked on a tightrope
Then
I saw another
A creature of beauty and grace
Running across their own
Then tripping
Swinging to fall,
But their feet remaining on the rope

Awestruck, I attempted to speak
Finding myself unable to utter a word
A bird unable to use its beak
Then
Discovering a voice existed
I used it
Reached out
Made a friend
In time
A partner

Soon, I realized I was able to run across
Just as they had
Able to soar
Fall for a moment
But come back
Somehow still upon my weary feet
But given new strength and determination
A motivation
Thanks to my love

Heart beating at the speed of a jackrabbit
Cheeks the pigment of roses
Soul tied to the other end of a red thread
Feeling something so familiar
Possibly meant to be

His hair is
November tree bark
The tree I sit under
My mask thrown asunder
My true colors show brighter
As he takes me in his arms
Branches of a strong oak
Leaves softer than a kittens fur
Voice like that of a divine
Spilling symphonies into my ear
Still I sit here
With all I hold dear
Awaiting for time to pass
And for him to be near

There
Before my eyes
My memories dance
Take me into a trance
A vision of rapture
O what ecstasy
Moments of roses
Moonbeams pirouetting
Orchestra playing
Just for two
Under the full moon
Stars glistening in their wonder

A butterfly fluttering in my heart
The zoo escaped in my stomach
Flowers upon my face
Over them is lace
As I am in your sweet embrace

- Jay M
October 31st, 2019

Snip

        s
          n
             i
               p

Falling gently to the floor
Resembling
Remembering
What I had
What I lost

Taking the scissors
Looking up at the misters
Glancing at my sisters

What have I done?
I've but my life on display

You see this hair?
This is only fair
This is mine
So quit acting as though it were thine
Lets see who's in control now

Inch after inch
Flinch after flinch
Wave after wave
I gave and I gave
Well, here's my way
To say
Let my live my life
My way

You want to control me
No, let me be
I need to be free

I need your love
Set free the dove
Surrender it
Don't throw a fit

Don't be mad
That's just sad
Be proud
Just don't be too loud

I see the look on your face
Look ahead in this race
I take a bow
Look at me; see me now

- Jay M
May 13th, 2019

Struggling
To stay afloat
In the rapids
Waves crashing down upon the skull
A second above
The next below
Then plunged farther from the surface
Unable to breathe
But there is no pain
Just void
Then an aching
Internal dying
Yearning for the pain
Then, there it is
Water-filled lungs
Brain on fire
Tainted soul

Seeing others above
Emotions fester
Then, a confession
Double confession
Realization
Relief, shock, and overwhelming joy
Then a clasp of hands
Being pulled up
Head breaking the surface
Above the rapids
To calmer waters
Where one can breathe
Where we can breathe
Together
Aid each other
Build a raft
To stay afloat
Sometimes it flips
Sometimes there are moments
When water enters the lungs
Darkness fills the mind
But then
A hand
Takes one up
To the sun

Revived by the one who loves you
The one you love
Embrace
Clasp of hands
The one who saved you
From falling away
With the shadows
Patching the bullet holes
Bandaging the battle wounds
Healing for both

- Jay M
October 29th, 2019

Blue illuminate
Black conceal
Minutes tick by
Where is fate?

All seems so unreal
In the seconds that fly
Strange, dim light
Unsure of the battles to fight
The foes to be hidden and sly
Or confident and outright

Slip away into sleep
Or rise to face the early dawn?
Fall back into the sweet,
Ever forgiving escape
Or stand and take on what lies ahead
The outstretched hand that can make
Any number of possibilities
From merely that to, instead, realities

To glimpse upon that which may lie ahead,
Or to fall into the tangles of the mind?
To venture forth into that which may become known,
Or to remain entranced in the confines of familiarity?
The answer, the choice to be made
Lies in every dawn.

- Jay M
February 23rd, 2021

Shock to overjoyed
From overjoyed to confusion
Comms enabled
Yet scarcely a word to be said
Across the waves of rolling static

Come in, Alpha
Do you read me,
Alpha?

A word perhaps
A few in a day
No sign of interference
So what is the cause
Of this near stale air?

This is Juliet,
Do you read me,
Alpha?
Can you hear me,
Alpha?

Nothing more than dull static
A well worn lullaby
Playing over and over
Wishing it would stop
Be replaced by content voices
But not all is as dreams tell
Something is amiss

Will you hear me,
Alpha?

- Jay M
January 11th, 2021

Grass of green sways in the valley below
Voice unseen whispers hello
Carried on the breeze
Moving about with ease

Flowers a bloom
Heart wide, of room
Laughter an echoing boom
Across the rolling hills
A perfect painting in the windowsill
Great summer's thrill

- Jay M
June 15th, 2021

Rushing around
Trying to do what makes me happy
Yet I forget
Having to rush back and forth
Get it
Come back
Start

Here we go
Diving into a world only we know
All different
Yet together for the fate of the land
Friends to the end

Smiling throughout
Cheers and hoots
Down with those evil *******!
On we go!

Battling for a while
Then peace
Then, battle once more
Then stopping at a cliff hanger
Cleaning
Hugs, talks
Then off we go
To meet again in the days to come

- Jay M
May 9th, 2019

Hidden in fabrics
                                                                            Concealed beneath a mask
Taking shelter in music
                                                                                 Letting the lyrics soothe
Calm the frenzy of thoughts
                                                                                   Ease the internal storm


- Jay M
November 18th, 2019

Here one lies
Stomach aching
Throbbing
Unknown reasons
Trying to sleep,
She grabs the sheets
Pulls them over her head
And hides
From the world
And it's cruel, cruel truth

So I say
"Make me feel better"
To my mother
She kisses my head
Tries to ease me
Yet all she can do
Is give me a pill
And wait

So I say
"Make me feel better"
To myself
Only, I reply;
"Never,"
"For you shall never be."

Here I lay
Aching in my stomach
And other little common things
But still
No matter how much medicine I take
That's not all the pain I feel
And none of it goes away.

- Jay M
June 7th, 2019

Shining ever bright
Brighter than the stars
Glimmering in the sky, tonight

Twirling through every turn
Ever flowing strings
Surely with lessons to learn

Bumps may come along the road
Less so traveled and trodden
A message without a code
Lacking the need
If one should only read

Never knowing what one may find
When wandering along
Perhaps it was what was needed all along
Found in places most unexpected
All it took was to be redirected

Taken to an astounding view
Ever so near and new
A sky clear and endless blue
Fading to the dark
Let through the ethereal light
Of a wonderful night

- Jay M
March 24th, 2021

Conflicted
Internally tormented
Butterflies come alive
Just beneath the flesh
Some with
Wings of razors
Others soft as silk

Call the exterminator
The pests won't leave me be
They flutter about
Collide and ****
Dead ones floating in the blood

- Jay M
December 8th, 2020

Things I cannot believe
My idiocy
Things I shall never achieve
O, my idiocy
Things I shall never know
O, my idiocy…

Hatred and anger
Burning flames
Things I wish not to remember
Yet never
Never will I forget…

Who am I?
I am no one
An idiot of course
A fool, so naive
A child indeed
Unorganized, I am doomed
This curse, I assumed
Would leave me, but never…

Shall I ever be released?
O never, o never,
Shall I ever be set free?
O no, o never,
Shall I see the light of day…

Do you see me?
Do you hear me?
The sorrow and woe
The sorrow and woe…

If they ever saw me
For me
Would they leave me?
Or would they feel me?
Would they lift me up,
Above the clouds,
Where they flux so freely
As a bird in flight
Across the vastness
That is my mind

Do you hear me?
Do you see me?
No, o never,
Never it goes…

O, if you could see it
O, if you could hear it
The broken melody,
The bleeding heart,
The depths it reaches to…

O never, o never,
Shall I forgive myself
O never, o never
Shall I forgive myself…

- Jay M
October 8th, 2019

Tiresome day
Seemingly little to say
Hoping for things to be
Well on their way

Tired, near gone day
Nothing much to say
Not much to see
Sleepy limbs to sway

Shuffle through
See what may be

News,
Oh happy day!
At last,
Great things to shout and say!
Life surging back into the limbs
Run, jump about
Celebrate this greatness that has come!

Rising to swift moving feet
Spirits, today they soar
A great new thing there is to greet
The night no longer a bore!

Here comes this poet,
My weapon is my word,
I will slay them with my tongue
Then turn them quite around
Take them by their hands
And dance with them
To the wildest of songs!

Here comes this poet,
Words at the ready
Come and catch me now
No need to wonder how
Stride quite steady
And they shall soon know it
As here comes the poet!

- Jay M
January 12th, 2021

Living like a ghost
Walking by all I know
Hiding from everyone
Denying I need anyone
To walk alongside

Night falls
Darkness reins
Emotions overcome
Control the individual
Curled into a corner
Embracing a comfort
An object from childhood
Absorbing rivers

Still, child cries
Still, child hides
And still
The heart dies.

- Jay M
September 25th, 2019

Here I am again
Broken into pieces
Of who I once was.

I lost so much along the road

Longing to find something
In someone
Keeping in mind; you're likely out there
Eventually making me whole again
Yet, I wonder if such is possible
Out there in the expanse
Understanding me...

Some say I am too young for such things
Alas, did they not have a first love?
Maybe someone
Somewhere
Will understand me
But until that day
I am alone
Lost to myself
And all reason.

- Jay M
April 12th, 2019

I was always a little
                                          D
              ­                                 E
                                                   L
                                                        I
     ­                                                       C
        ­                                                         A
                                                               ­       T
                                                        ­                   E
And have always been  a f r a i d
Of  f a l l i n g  a p a r t
Until I met you

Then I wasn't so scared anymore
That was before
I messed up
You had filled my cup
But now it only has a sip left
There was a theft
I gave you my heart
Now I'm left with only part
But that's okay -

Hey,
I can be patient until things calm down
I might frown
But that's just because I miss you
And I'm wondering if you miss me too

Wrote you a letter
Gonna send it once things get better
But for now
I wonder how
Everything went so wrong
But I'll just work on making things right
As my hope takes flight
That maybe one day
You'll be able (and want) to come back and say
You want me back

For now, Love,
I'm waiting for you
And I will do
Whatever it takes
To be okay
While you are away
And to be myself
Instead of letting it sit on a shelf

Love is fragile
It takes a while
To be steady
And it cracks
But gets patched up
We would lie on our backs
Talk about when we are grown up
Now you've got to go focus
I think I'll grow some crocus
Flowers to admire
I'll sit by the fire
To warm my half-a-heart
While we are apart

Darling, I will wait
This is fate
Right?
For now, there's no one to hold me tight
Memories of your arms around me
All of our memories - they won't leave me be
Because I'm so in love with you
And I really hope you still are too

I'll be here
My dear
Waiting for you
Do what you need to do
Then I hope you'll come find me
And we can be
Just you and me
Once again

- Jay M
March 5th, 2020

They try to let her know
With every night will come a brighter day
Well, hey,
Let me know when this night will end
I'm getting tired of playing a little pretend

She's only 14
Just starting her life
She's got a big family
There's no glee
Only confusion
The delusion
That I belong

With every day
She just keeps falling
Early in May
Her Birthday
Replay, replay, replay!
The terrors go on
That only she knows

Get it out of my head
But it isn't over yet

They try to hold her
But with every touch
She hesitates
Saying "wait,"
"I don't want to hurt you, too."

Come on now, girl
I know you want to leave
But just believe...
There's a chance
That there's something out there...
Waiting for you

You've got the little one
Just hold her close,
Don't let her go
"I promise..."

Teach her to carry on
Show her the way
Catch her when she falls
Don't let her fall like you...
Like me

Don't let her go
Don't let her go
Don't let....
Her be like me.

- Jay M
May 16th, 2019

Salva me
Save me
From the horrors that I say
From the misery on display
From the atrocities that play
Within the confines of my mind
For only my demons and angels to find
To **** me, or to raise me from what was left behind

- Jay M
October 21st, 2021

A pleasant morning,
Not a sign of warning,
For this day
All good shall stay.

- Jay M
January 22nd, 2021

Picking up the pace
Trying to win the race
Attempting to flee this place...

Running wild
Movements swift
Like that of a hare
Legs pumping

I need to be free

Here I come
Prepared to strike
But the question is;
Are you?

Brace yourself
Collision is inevitable
Like the flow of time
Tick
Tick
Ticking away

Be careful
I'll strike
'Cause you know what I am
I'm a monster

Teeth bared
Believe me
I don't care if it's aired
I'll still tear you apart

So please
Get out of the way
As I come charging through
Like a rhino
Destroying all in my path...

- Jay M
May 6th, 2019

Deep inside
The demons she hides
Can't deny them
Compacting my emotions into a gem
Tossing it to the sea
Will I ever be free?

I have love
But it's not enough
I thought it would be
But they won't let me be
It's only dragging me further down
But I don't want to let him down

He's too sweet
Too kind
What a find

Still
I am here
Unchanged
Deranged still
Un-resting
What have I become?

While I sit here
Wondering what has become of me
They try to "get help" for me
But I'm not taking the bait
I'm not going away
I'm not leaving my world behind

So confused
Lost in myself
Afraid of everything
Running blind
In a forest so dark and unknown
So familiar
But I can't see

Just bring me out
Take my hand
I know not why
I can't just deny
This strangeness
Chilling my bones

I love, and I love
But I lose

I love, and I love
But I lose...
I always lose...

- Jay M
May 10th, 2019

Days drag on and on
As they suffer within the blank walls
Given “care” and “aid”
Only to be harmed
No authority quite alarmed
Any sanity that was, since gone
Staggering those halls
The iron fists they forcefully obeyed

- Jay M
November 5th, 2021

Sing me to sleep,
Lull me into a dream,
So I can be at rest
At last.

A melody so soothing,
A harmony so comforting,
Tone so gentle,
Relaxing my ever anxious mind,
Bringing me to an eased state of mind.

- Jay M
April 5th, 2019

Shining brightly in the night
In the corners of our minds
Dancing with the dead
Wherever that may be
If there at all
But still you do
Smiling down from the heavens
Passing on your good wisdom
Then walking back among the living
Just for two days
One just for you
The other for the rest
But still you do roam
Lingering to say
Your greetings and farewells
Then ascending
Back to that magical place
Dreamland

- Jay M
November 1st, 2019

For a moment
A simple second
You make me giddy
Make me forget my promise
But then
I have to bite my tongue

So close
Yet so far away

A longing
Yet it shall never be relived.

- Jay M
August 29th, 2019

Down, down, into the river I wade
Pan in hand, search for the gold of the land,
Little wages am I paid

Day to night,
Don’t say, don’t fight
Pan or pick, it’s better than a stick
To find the find the gold, beautiful and bright
Road to riches and delight

I pan and pan
And dig and dig
Even if it is for a lazy pig
At least it all goes to plan

Day to night,
Don’t say, don’t fight
Wouldn’t want to start a nasty plight
For the rich man's delight

Back is killing me,
But I’ve gotta let it be
Gotta keep it bold
If I wanna find that gold
And bring it right on home

Into the mine with the pick my friend made
To find the glittering gold
Long hours I work, little wages paid
For a little thing to be proud and bold

- Jay M
October 25th, 2021

Once, long ago
A brilliant flash before
Saved forever in time
Faded in shades of greys
Like a photograph;
Black and white
One thing or another
Not shining in its entirety quite yet

Then, saturation of color and hue
Bring forth visions unseen
Slightly blurred at first,
Then in full detail
Sprawled out into glorious view

Though once, only raw and bare
Time brings it into exposure
Into the open air
Believe it or not
Some brought into the light of reality
As they are surely meant to be

- Jay M
April 19th, 2021

He's got the sweetest eyes
Chocolate brown hair
Sweetest little smile
That lasts a while

I've got sad eyes
Brown hair
Weird little smile
That easily slips away...

Is it too much to ask
To just be thought of?
To feel the fondness
In return?
I guess the problem is;
I'm not the girl
Anyone would dream of.

- Jay M
September 18th, 2019

Unfeeling
Undisturbed
In simply the worst of times
Potentially leaving others reeling
Or in my stead disturbed
Whilst leading on conversation
How is it all so?

Am I to be assuming
That it is encouraged
To put on a painted mask
Of emotions, when the fact of the matter
Is that there is nothing existing behind it?
Nothing more than a blank, slippery canvas
That simply cannot be painted upon

- Jay M
February 2nd, 2021

GORE WARNING - The following contains language describing blood, gore, and death.


Take to the streets
Frozen black rivers
Flow no more
Then once more
Icy black veins
Leading to a dead cold highway
Nothing left to stay
All guilty on the floor
Shouldn't have opened the **** door

Play the song, broken chords
Walking across creaking floor boards
Just can't seem to take the reins
Move the paralyzed limbs
When looking into the eyes of the ******
Lurking just around the bend
Waiting for the prey to turn
And be fallen
Back to the floor
Blood on the door
Screaming, smothered, crawlin'
Drop like a fly
Hush, run, there's no more need to cry

Sprawled out along the canvas
Open and on display
Spilling forth the contents
Bringing the scene some color
Breathe a little life into the gloom
Damp and dark
A beautiful mess
A masterpiece

Artist gone, first piece done
For now there are none
To view the first for the gallery

Sirens wail
People pale
Push past the door
Witness the horror on the floor
Blood pooled around it
Sprayed on the wall behind it
Corpse with a permanent smile
Blood oozing out like syrup
Criss-crosses carved over the eyes
Game over for the poor soul

Chest sliced open down to the waist
Pulled open, ribs like an opened cage
Heart delicately cut out
Missing from the scene
Didn't go to waste
Could this have been lovers rage?
Such is for the authority to figure out
Not exactly serene
With the entrails on the floor
Revealing that more than one ***** left through the door

With the same care as the heart
Both kidneys missing
Leaving but ****** spaces
What anther strange part
Not to be dismissing
As a mother paces
Shocked and worry stricken
What has become of her family?
Her husband lay dead
Her daughter gone
Just as the young one said had said
Now it seemed she had fled
Never to return the next dawn..

- Jay M
May 5th, 2020

Condemn me to death
Torture this flesh
Still
I will not bow
To your empty lies

Here I stand
Alone in the rain
I tread upon the cobble
Absorbing my surroundings
An emotional sponge

A constant tug-of-war
Meet the expectations
Try to live their dreams
Or
Give in
Let go
Don't be their puppet

Choose, **** it!

Well,
More so **** me

When did I
Become so cold?
When did I
Become so numb?

Where's the person I used to know?
Where are my feelings?
Scattered about
Lost to one another
Making me unable to function
I want to feel something
Be normal
It crashes around me
I just watch it

Lifted up
Told all is well
Convinced by lies
Held by the demons
Painted like faces I know
Then pricked
By their thorns
Of reality

Bleeding
Dripping
Maybe one day
They would see it
But no
5 years and still
They see a "happy" child

The closer they try to get
The more hurt I make them
So then
I push them away
Save them from myself...
From this monster I have become

Listening to my heart
Not the lub-dub it's supposed to be
Whispering to me
Spiders webs swaying
One bites
My blood is the venom
Black as my tainted soul

Tired of living with no defense
Can you understand
Where I'm coming from?
I'm sick of surviving
When I'm supposed to be living...

- Jay M
May 27th, 2019

So used to the sorrow
One in the chamber
At all times
Cocked and ready
Barely standing
Hold steady
Stick the landing

Get back up and take another shot
Round after round
'Til it's burning hot
Slamming down to the ground
After hours, still not found

Digging up old memories
Pieces of the past
Hopefully the last

Page after page
Drop after drop
No rage
Still, make it stop
A balloon filling, ready to pop

Burn
Let it all go
Crumble to ashes
As it should have been
Years ago

What do you yearn?
A lesson to learn?
Letting it hide inside
Where your demons reside
They're living it up
While you're sitting by
Refusing to say goodbye

Wallin' alone
Breathing it in
The scent of misery
Of pain and relief
Stinging now, unforgiving
But stirring up forgotten brews
Only leaving clues

Burn it up
Break the glass
Let it all go
The past is the past
These pages are the last
Light it up
Get it out
Scatter the ashes
Heal the little slashes
And feed the flames until
The pain is long gone

Crawled my way out
From the depths of my own hell
I will scream and shout
That I'm still fighting
Because the pages and glass are gone
Doesn't mean it's over yet.

- Jay M
August 12th, 2020

Back to the wall
Music playing
Something slowly arising
Preparing me to fall

Light and giddy
Swaying and saying
Words which stumble out
Sloshing and without
A drop of sense

Fingers tapping each tiny letter
Attempting to convey
The strangeness taking over
Wondering if it would get any better

Alas, it only gets worse
Before it gets better

Lying on the floor
Limbs stretched and curling back in
Laughter erupting in bursts from within
Wild, untamed and oh, what more
What more did come?

A loss of time,
All left in fog
Alone and lightly afraid
Yet thoughtless
Like a small child hearing a rhyme

Fragments
Moments of time
Glimpses into memory
Much left unseen

Slipping into sleep
In my head did I weep
For what I do not know
Kneading the carpet insecurely like dough

Awakened not an hour later
Stiff and unsure
Climbing to my bed
To rest my confused head.

- Jay M
September 6th, 2020

Once I was 6 years old, I lived in a house with both parents. All of us in Riverside, with a place to call home.
Once I was 7 years old, my momma moved away. Saw her every weekend, wished for more time.
Once I was 8 years old, got bullied at school. Kids didn’t like me, I didn’t either.
Once I was 9 years old, moved in with my mom. Out in San Diego, with a new family.
Once I was 10 years old, I remember my teachers.
Once I was 11 years old, I don’t remember being 11 years old.
Once I was 12 years old, went on a trip to Santa Cruz. A man smacked my ***, nobody cared.
Once I was 13 years old, I dated a guy. Broke up and he traumatized me, still haunts me.
Once I was 14 years old, and nearly wasn’t.
Once I was 15 years old, pandemic changed the world.
Once I was 16 years old, my grandma died of stubbornness. Got some trauma, new and old, I get flashbacks from both.
Now I’m 17 years old, minutes away from being 18. 17 was hard, full of trauma and pain.
Soon I’ll be 18 years old, and the next volume will begin. They say you learn to manage, so I guess we’ll see.
Once I was 6, once I was 7, once I was 8, once I was 9, once I was 12, once I was 13, once I was 14, once I was 15, once I was 16, I am 17. Time running out like sand, soon the hourglass shall turn for me once again.

- May 6th, 2023

As I sit here,
Alone in my own thoughts,
I cannot help but wonder;
Am I ever truly alone?
No, I dare not say,
Alas, if I do not,
I fear my heart may explode,
Shattering me into a million pieces,
As my soul cries out in bewailment.

- Jay M
September 6th, 2018