My Perspective

Ghosts;
There are many kinds
Those that appear in images and audio
And those that appear in our minds
That haunt us to our cores
Plaguing us
With flashbacks, fears, insecurities
Issues with trust, issues with companionship;
Whatever it may be
These ghosts never leave us be
Not a moment to rest
And when they give us that moment
It disappears in an instant
Vanishing as soon as it had come
Not to be seen for a time yet.

~

My Mother's Perspective

An entity that may or may not exist
A shadow, or a lingering spirit
Such has been debated for ages
Yet, the question is; what do I believe?
There could be such
The soul of a person lingering in a place of importance
Trapped in a memory they had
Possibly keeping people away
Possibly inviting them to stay
Such is unclarified
Unverified
Left for us to be believers,
Or skeptics.

~

My Sister's Perspective

Yes, they are all around us!
Dreams so wondrous,
Nightmares of the dangerous,
Hidden in photos
Detected in sound
Things move when nobody is around
Keys turning
Spirits yearning
For communication
Destination
Freedom from repetition
Or just a friendly hello
A familiar song on the cello.


- Jay M
November 21st, 2019

Fallen into madness
Descended into the void
Voyage into the faded
Encapsulate me,
It encapsulates me

Eyes dull and dreary
Voice unsure, and weary
Other times flat, monotone
Even as polished stone

Awake as in slumber
Mind but a dull roar
Full of fog, and mist
Something of a swamp

Seep into the ground
I am buried there
Sink into my bones
Perhaps then they wouldn't be so cold

Unfeeling, no sense upon the keys
Words seem but strange suggestions

For what is time?
Unending, unbending,
Yet curved and looped as string
Jumbled together, tangled

Float with my soul
Float in the waters of the world
Scarcely tethered, held by a thread
Adrift, we are adrift

Walk, forward we move
Into the vast curiosities

Speak, speak to me
Tell me things, knot of words
Decipher them, my brain might
Slow to process
Mull it over
The strangeness of it all

Flesh, it is chilled
Ice to the touch
Cold, they call it cold
But cold is a feeling
One, in which, I lack
Deprived of physical sense
Touch my hand, take it,
I feel only bones.

- January 17th, 2023

In sickness I am fearful,
In health I am more so,
When I fall into slumber is my only peace,
Dreams, visions if you will,
Laughter, screams,
Both see me,
Both trying to carry me away,
Lifting me up,
Tearing me apart,
I'm only human,
What more can I do?
Where can I go?
How much will ever be enough?

- Jay M
January 28th, 2019

Running to and fro
Can't let the stress go
Assignments piled up
Due so soon
All loom over me
My impending doom

Spanish, P.E., Creative Writing,
Journalism, English, Biology
And Finally; Math
These grades I'm fighting
I can't get it done chronologically
Can't stick to one path
Scattered mind
Struggling to find
The answers I seek.

Tell me, how do I survive?
How do I thrive,
In a world where I am behind?

Working to hard,
Keeping it fresh in my mind
Making a flashcard
To help me find
What I left behind
A week and a half ago
Right out the window
Now I need to go back
Through the window
For the information I lack.

- Jay M
January 8th, 2020

As I sit here,
Alone in my own thoughts,
I cannot help but wonder;
Am I ever truly alone?
No, I dare not say,
Alas, if I do not,
I fear my heart may explode,
Shattering me into a million pieces,
As my soul cries out in bewailment.

- Jay M
September 6th, 2018

How can this be
"Happy birthday" to me
When anxiety and fear
Has been so near
And now finally upon me?

It feels as though there is something to flee
But what, I know not
Possibly just a passing thought
That this day was so ominous
The potential for darkness
But all that lingers is confusion
Were my anxieties but an illusion?

Wishes to me from those around
But I can only hear one sound
A heartbeat
Then the patter of feet
Upon the hardwood floor
A knocking at the door
"Happy birthday to you!"
Everywhere I turn
But it's anything but-

It feels as though I'm being suffocated
Drowned out and forced down
Into a seat
In front of a small burning heat
Just to listen to them sing
While I sweat a ring
Then extinguish it
Have a bit
Of the sweet below it

Smile for the camera
Watch them as they smother you
Tell you what to say and do
Some say the
Best things come in time
Say a little rhyme
Until the day comes to an end.

- Jay M
May 7th, 2020

Once upon a paper thin rim
Tipping this way and that
Only to sway too far
Slipping over the delicate border
Between what is known
And the possibilities that lie beyond

Wind whistling past
Hair flowing wildly like ribbons
Lost in a summer breeze
Limbs extended upward
Reaching hopelessly for anything
Anything at all to grasp
End the great descent
Into the abyss

- Jay M
January 12th, 2021

Wandering,
Empty, dim lit road,
Where shall I go
But forward?
Eternity, indeed it seems
Miles still untraveled
Steps not yet taken
For here, o here,
There is only the long
Long foggy road.

Signs, they appear!
But oh, how queer,
A most strange word,
As nowhere!
No where, now here,
Not a place, not a time
Simply this, and nothing more.

Dense fog, dense fog,
What lies beyond?
Fallen tree, rotten log,
Simply there, without a sound,
For none could hear the fall.

- February 21st, 2023

Realistically,
How could I
Ever be close to good enough
For you?

You're kind,
Funny, thoughtful, sweet,
Adorable, caring,
Overall wonderful.

What am I
Compared to you?

- Jay M
September 6th, 2019

A great blanket atop the quiet homes
Flowing without fault or try
A beautiful grey gradient
From the heavens to the Earth
Cascading into the land
Rolling in without a sound

A veil ever lingering
Pierced by everything but nothing
Existing in what would appear to be a stand-still
Only to be moving ever so slowly
All about without any care or doubt

As the great body roams
There isn’t need to scream or cry
The sunlights reflection ever so radiant
Just softer than a grand hearth
To heat the frigid hand
That holds firmly to the ground

Surrounding the daily mingling
Noticing the hills and something
Just beyond the rocky hill
A call ever lowly
Unsure of the words to be made out

Chilling, perhaps even ghostly
Figures in the gleam
So calm and so serene
Taking in the morning glow
Before the fog will surely go

- Jay M
June 24th, 2021

Aching in my chest
Pain of loss
Yet who have I lost?

Running to the balcony
Laying on the edge
Looking at the stars
Taking the pain away...

Barely holding on
The demons I'm made of
Locking myself in
Letting them win
But I didn't stand a chance,
Did I?

They say they'll make you right
But they only make you worse

Long endless highway
Finally pulling to the streets
Intersection
Turning
Someone runs a red light
Braking, we're inches away from being hit.

Driving off like it was nothing
But I could have lost you
All of you...

Later
Sitting alone in the dark
One...two...three...
Four...five...six...
Used to take one
Now it takes six
Going over
But never under
Shaking uncontrollably
But I'll be okay
I'll still be alive...

I feel my heartbeat
Wondering when it will stop
Letting me go
Into the unknown

I swear I love you
But if I stay
I'll only destroy you...
That's all I ever do
To everyone I love...

Fighting to stay
Yet yearning to go
It all comes back to this
Doesn't it?

I can't take your hand
Mine are bound
Living a nightmare
Crying, aching,
Breaking
But somehow
I'm still here
I just want to hear you
Saying
"Lets go home.."

- Jay M
April 16th, 2019

Tick
        Tick
                Tick
        Tick
Tick

The seconds
The minutes
Hours
DAYS...

I only have
5 days
If
You add today
Before
My fate
Is set
In stone

- Jay M
May 27th, 2019

My soul cries
Curled in on itself
Adrift in the madness
Echoing in the dark
A call to any whom dare listen
Dare turn an ear

So cold, fingertips moving numbly
Lips moving
Pouring forth words like rain
Drowning and lifting
All at once
A child lost in a surging storm
Perhaps a tiny boat
In the ocean amidst a typhoon.

- Jay M
September 2nd, 2020

You strumming your guitar,
While I play my Irish whistle,
A beautiful and strange duet,
Filling the air,
Turning heads here and there,
For now,
What could I have to regret?

Then, another speaks,
Stops the music,
Reality hits,
Then it come creeping back,
The anxiety,
The worry,
Out of nowhere;
RING!

Walking swiftly away,
For some reason,
Glancing back,
Seeing you looking back at me,
Then I turn, run a bit,
Hide in the crowd,
Fearing that if I look back,
You'll catch up,
Asking me if it were true;
If I've been thinking about you...

- Jay M
April 12th, 2019

Drag across
Let it tear
Watch it ooze
Stroke after stroke
Get it under control
One way or another
Get a grip, little rips

Drift away
Thrash about
Drown it out
Before it suffocates
Drown it all out
Truth and lies
Pulled under
Far below

Choke the sounds
Load the rounds
Fire away, down
Down for now
To rise later
Same old ****
Wounds continually bleed
Sound or blood
Pick and choose
Drown it out
Before it burns
Suffocate in the smoke.

- February 10th, 2023

Approaching the day
Oh that day
Fate tempts
Yet I ignore it
Telling it
That was the past

Fear and excitement
This is something I can't escape from
No hiding
Pacing back and forth
Looking to the clock

Tick
       Tick
               Ticking

The days pass by
In the blink of an eye
Wait
I'm not ready
I'm not that strong
Not another year...

30....
Feeling my soul; so *****
Tainted
Dragging me down
To the depths of the unspeakable

1...
None, nothing
Inside I feel nothing
But everything all at once

2...
You raised me
Yet what do you know
Of my pain?

3...
A sea
Waves crashing down
Like everything I touch

4...
Knocking on the door
How could I do more?
I am in constant wonder

5...
Survive
That's all I have to do
Right?

6...
Fix
This
Mess

7...
Today is the day
Throw my life away
Or should I stay?

They sing
They dance
But they don't know

8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13...
14...

The day I planned
The day I longed for
Now fearing
Leering...

Plan ahead
Don't dread
It's all in your head
It's all in your head...

The past is the past
Don't cut the cord
It's not your place
To erase all you know

- Jay M
April 30, 2019

Heaviest armor
Made of steel
I was a farmer
Of what I thought was real
Sometimes
The war wounds don’t heal the same…

Upon a steed
Swift and strong
I swear
I won’t be long
Riding in
Shield and sword
My armor isn’t thin
And I hear the silver chord…

Clashing blades
Screaming wildly
The charade is up
It’s all going up
In fire and smoke
And they’ll croak
For mercy, mild
Oh no, not from this child
No more!

This is war!

Upon a steed
Swift and strong
I swear
I won’t be long
Riding in
Shield and sword
My armor isn’t thin
And I hear the silver chord…

Plowing through
The days gone by
Hiding out
I dream of you
In the minutes I try

Up again
They’re battle torn
Slain by my sword
Horror is born

This is war!

Clashing blades
Screaming wildly
The charade is up
It’s all going up
In fire and smoke
And they’ll croak
For mercy, mild
Oh no, not from this child
No more!

This is war!

Calling out
Friend gone down
Filled with doubt
I go around
I hold them close…
I hold them close…

They look to me
Tears in their eyes
Gripping my hand
I hold it tight
“Please,”
I scream,
“Don’t go to the light!”
I hold them close…

Pounding heart
Sinks in
Lose their grip…
They’ve gone…
Tears in my eyes
I stand tall
Cradle them in my arms
And I scream;
“THIS IS WAR!!!”

Lay them down
I bow my head
Close their eyes
Shelter them…
Then I run

This is war!

Clashing blades
Screaming wildly
The charade is up
It’s all going up
In fire and smoke
And they’ll croak
For mercy, mild
Oh no, not from this child
No more!
No more!

Rage coursing through my veins
It takes control
I mount again, take the reins
Flames in my soul
There’s no way
I’m going down!

This is war…
This is war!

Upon a steed
Swift and strong
I swear
I won’t be long
Riding in
Shield and sword
My armor isn’t thin
And I hear the silver chord…
They fell around me
I thought I won
But then, it was he
Who struck me down
Drove it through
My armor…
It wasn’t strong at all…

And I fell
And I fell
And I fell…

On the field
There I lay
Sword and shield
Thrown astray
And I…
Was so naive…
As the light faded from view…
All I thought of…
Was you.

- Jay M
September 19th, 2019

So too flows the river
Impure, of sunken iron
Floating leaves on smooth
Tranquil surface of
Endless water

Smooth river stones,
Green droplets along tops
Of eager ripples
Surely knowing
In their babbling flowing
Where they shall eventually pool

- Jay M
June 23rd, 2022

Lost, out of touch
Isolate, out of sight
Within the vast
Endless expanse
Intangible void

Silent knowings
Confused, oh sure,
It was there, all along
Yet blind eyes cannot see
Deaf ears cannot listen
Muted voices cannot speak.

- February 11th, 2023

Causing them so much frustration
Wanting me to be their perfect little princess
But that's the one thing I'll never be

Why do they put pressure on me?
Expecting everything to be easy
And for me to be so oblivious to them
What they say
What they whisper
Behind my back

You should love me for being myself
Let me be who I am
It's torturing me
That I can't break free
From the expectations
Limitations

Not a stranger to the lies
When our eyes meet
I do not wish to be afraid
I do not wish to be a disappointment
Even though I already am

These scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I want to be safe in your embrace
Not threatened to  be caged
Far from all I know

I am alone
In this house
Barely heard
Tears that cannot drip
Yet crash like rain
A hurricane of pain

The violence causes silence
From it
The ashes stir
Who are we mistaken?

With their words
And their actions
And their lack of empathy
Another will is breaking
Heart takes over

Inside
They are writhing in agony
Bottling the truth
And giving it to the ocean
Forever lost
Yet always there
Waiting to be found

Their way
Or no way
Just keep quiet
They won't suspect a thing
When you disappear...

- Jay M
April 22nd, 2019

Sounds, how strange
Great and small
Struggling to pinpoint them all
As they surround
Each making itself known

Clacking of fingers across a keyboard
Near silent whir of the air conditioner
Hum of the refrigerator
Chatter and occasional cry of a housemate
Thundering of small paws above
Clicking and clacking of dog nails against hard wood floors
Voices from a computer screen
The occasional car whizzing past the street
The brief notes of a viola a room over
The flapping of the dog door
Creak of a door
Adjusting in the chair
Sighs of the dogs and people alike

Tired eyes blink slowly
Hands ever so stiff
Back aching, begging for movement
Feet and legs long since numb

Nothing is silent
Not in this time
Nor in this place

- Jay M
December 7th, 2020

This day
Torturing me so
Never letting me go.

Not long ago
Out worlds collided
Someway, somehow,
Trying so hard to catch the drift.

Barely speaking
Playing your emotions
A beauty, enticing me,
Framed with something unseen.

I do not wish to be afraid
Yet I do fear
For I hope to hear
Those sweet words
From your lips.

Day after day
You see me
But talk so little..

Am I the reason,
Or am I simply
Getting it all wrong?

So gentle
That soul of yours
Trying to hold yourself together
But just know
Even if your eyes don't see this truth
That I would rush to your aid
And hold you.

What is it
In your head
That just makes you so fascinating?
The way you mumble
The way you fumble
Strumming the minutes away
Like they are all you have.

I did not mean to feel this
No
But here I am
Falling for you
More and more each minute.

Worlds apart
Yet only a foot away
Daring me to come closer...

Daring me to ask the question...

- Jay M
April 10th, 2019

Slowly I burn
Breathe through the smoke
Scorching my lungs
Catch in my throat
Hands closing in
Tighten their grip
Red always fades
Fingerprints in my mind

Steaming water, pour over me
Cleanse my wrongs
Wash away the fear
Burn away my shell

Cover it up, give it time
Time heals all wounds, sure,
As I relive my own
Reopen, pop the stitches
Some just won’t go
Maybe not yet
Surely not today.

- February 10th, 2023

Fear to joy,
Sorrow to cheer,
How could this happen here,
In my heart,
Once broken,
Now mending,
Pending,
I'll be fine at last,
This won't be buried in the past,
Here we go,
Trial after trial,
Let's see where this one goes.

- Jay M
January 28th, 2019

Dolor;
O, quam potens sit
Sine misericordia
Non unciae

Hic ego pono
Contritum et cruentis
Reliquit meum cogitationes
In aeternum solus
In aeternum mittitur ad tenebras

Culpa plagis meus valde et anima
Numquam me dimittere
Cuniculus in carne mea
Sculptura se nidum sanguinis et os

- Jay M
May 21st, 2019

English translation:

Pain;
Oh, how powerful it be
Without an ounce
Of Mercy

Here I lay
Broken and bleeding
Left to my own thoughts
Forever alone
Forever cast to darkness

Guilt plagues my very soul
Never to let me go
Tunnel into my flesh
Carve itself a nest of blood and bone.

- Jay M
May 21st, 2019

She's fallen from grace,
Her mind's all over the place,
How can she keep running this endless race?

Fantasize the happiness,
Put aside the loneliness;
Making the same mistakes again,
Don't know where she belongs...

Broken inside, with no place to go,
Dried out her eyes,
Open yours;
The feelings she hides,
Falling behind,
Every moment; remind, relive, repeat,
Lost in the silence,
Lost inside,
The land inside...

Dark and damp,
Awaiting a savior,
Someone, reach to her...
Is there anybody out there...?

No, not even the remains of the family,
Torn apart...

She cries tonight,
Wondering what she can do;
Another pill,
Another drink,
Another fake smile,
She lives her worst nightmares...

She cries, she lies,
She's on memories that she once knew,
Then there's another empty bottle on the floor,
Not hers...

Every night, just one more night,
She tries so hard to go on..

Dried eyes, there's nothing more she can do...
The daughter that they hardly knew...
Once so innocent,
Now so far gone...

- Jay M
April 2nd, 2019

The colors of the sky
They vary, so wild
One base color
A light, calm blue
O what a wonderful hue
We are all someone's child
And at one point or another, we all cry

The other colors of the sky
I know not why
But there are so many
Things moving, fast as the spinning of a penny
Purple, yellow, orange, green,
Red, pink, white, blue, black,
Electric blue, maroon, indigo,
Violet, scarlet, gold, navy,
Aqua, mint, burgundy,
Fusha, midnight, cream,
Neon pink, neon green,
Neon blue, neon yellow,
Any and all colors you can think of
Moving up there, before my eyes
I tell no lies

These shapes, lines, and things I see
O, how can they be?

Somewhat faded
Some more pronounced
They came in, unannounced
It looks like some faraway place was raided
And the loot was spilled into the sky
I know not why
But it simply is

Circles, squares, rectangles,
Squiggling lines, moving all about
Things that resemble amoebas
Looking almost like oil and water mixed on a sidewalk
About this strange thing, I could talk
For so long
Is it so wrong?

Something so wonderful and obscure
If there were one, I would not want a cure

Some see them
As I do
It appears to be a field with a gem
Up above me
But what about you?

- Jay M
February 5, 2020

Worlds collide
Creatures indestructible
Consuming the invisible
The land of the water bear

- Jay M
June 5th, 2019

Questionable, queer,
Quickeningly quaking
Queen’s quest,
Quizzically qualified,
Questionless qualmishness,
Quarrelsome quacksalvers,
Quicksanding queenships,
Quirkiness quieted.

- February 23rd, 2023

Finally letting go,
Finally letting them know,
Finally letting myself grow...

Not quite sure,
Yet going through,
Not knowing what lies on the other side.

Staying out of the world,
But looking in,
Viewing it all through the key-hole,
Enjoying the beauty I see,
Yet aching,
Remembering what I had,
Yearning to regain it,
Yet not feeling it...

- Jay M
April 1st, 2019

Nevermore shall you see me,
Nevermore shall you hear me,
None shall,
For I shall be lost,
Gone away from this road,
This path I was given,
Forever falling,
Forever free from this,
This endless torment,
With the name of life.

- Jay M
October 8th, 2018

Stolen sanity
Nightmares ooze reality
Invisible vampires
Drain all energy that remained
Now left running on fumes

A zombie left to wander
What ruins had been left behind
A husk, void of all humanity
Cold even beside raging fires
Spark and burned
Lesson learned

What was there to gain
From throwing out one allowed so close?
Dancing in empty rooms
To a broken melody
Movements sharp
Like the knife between the shoulder blades

One day
Truth shall come riding in
Like the break of dawn
Driving back the cruel lies
Aiding soulful cries

- Jay M
January 6th, 2021

Never
Finished

Never
Done

Always

                             Pa         t
                                    r               l
                                              ia

The front door was open
They walked in
Gunning down the residence
One by one
Loosening their grip on the world
Drifting out of consciousness
They lost a lot of blood

I thought I made a promise
But I guess no promise is kept
Not anymore

They said I could do anything
Well
What about nothing?


- Jay M
May 21st, 2019

Yearning
Tempted so
Just a drop
A little hint
A moment to flee these things
Colliding in my mind
Leaving nothing untouched

Just a second
Just a time
For one such as I
To unwind
To come clean
Then all that hear
To forget
And just love
Despite ones failure
Despite ones mistakes
Despite ones awful thoughts
To understand
To empathize
With open-mindedness
And acceptance
Beyond what can be placed into words

One slip up
One mistake
Remembered
But there are one too many
Overtaking the brain
Spewing rage from each
Onto the cause
Making all worse
Slowly killing one
Until it is no more.

- Jay M
October 8th, 2019

Running
                       f    o
                          r    m
                         ­                 MYSELF

- Jay M
July 10th, 2019