In my eyes, I'm drowning

Always waiting to be acknowledged
Moulding myself to be the way I should be

Nice and quiet, just the way you want me
Open eyes, closed mouth
Tired, so tired of this facade

Asking just for acceptance

Grinding my teeth at the little digs
Impossible to make you happy
Running from the way I'm supposed to be
L**augh all you want, I can't change me

Rolling eyes
Deserted skies
Weak alibis
And a pocket of lies

Decayed trust
Disturbed dust
Flaking rust
And a victim of lust

Bone thin
“Let me in”
Fearful of sin
And broken skin

Rough hands
Terror expands
Impossible demands
And white-hot brands

Biting back screams
Window steams
Bursting at the seams
And a single tear gleams

Taste stale
Arms flail
Body frail
And a pretty white veil

Belly round
Dread ultrasound
Death found
And kicked like a hound

Eyes dead
Legs spread
Mind shred
And a gun under the bed

I am not my age
I'm more than a hoodie
Stood on a street corner
Hands in my pockets

I am not my age
I'm more than popular music
Blasting in my headphones
So loud you can hear

I am not my age
I'm more than just hormones
Racing through my brain
Making me unreasonable

I am not my age
I'm more than just indifference
Not caring about school or health
Not caring about anything

I am not my age
I'm more than just my phone
Social-media crazy
Hidden behind a screen

I am not my age
I'm more than just a stereotype
Loud, brash, unruly, lazy,
Phone-obsessed, violent

I am not my age
I have a complex personality
I have inner depth
I think about things that matter

I am not my age
I write poetry
I write stories
I explore people

I am not my age
I'm vegetarian by choice
I hate to hurt anyone
But I will fight for my friends

I am not my age
My emotions are valid
But I keep them hidden
For fear of being manipulative

I am not my age
I do not give you my respect
Just because you've lived longer
You have to earn it

I am not my age
I care about politics
It is my country
What happens to it matters to me

I am not my age
I'm struggling through exams
I'm stressed but trying
I'm determined to work for what I want

I am not my age
I'd be happy to have a job
I don't loiter or lurk
I'm not lazy

I am not my age
I'm not dangerous
Seriously, I'm a ****
I get scared walking down the street in the dark

I am not my age
I have five pets
They matter to me
I take care of them

I am not my age
I'm trying to get to school
You don't indicate
And I'm inconsiderate

I am not my age
My dad left me at two
My mum bakes cakes
But you didn't think about that

I am not my age
I suffer from depression
I'm not 'moody' or 'grumpy'
But you think I'm all just hormones

I am not my age
So don't perpetuate stereotypes
You don't know me, don't pretend to
And don't blame your problems on me

give me an inspirational quote
regurgitate something that's been said a thousand times before
that's really really comforting
*thanks

Looking back, it seems so clear
   I should have known
We shared so many interests
   I should have told you
I wanted to know more about you
   I should have asked you
You were panicked, desperate
   I should have been there

If I'd known you were so close
   I would have reached out to you
If I'd known you had so little time
   I would have tried to make you feel better
If I'd known you'd do it
   I would have talked to you
If I'd known you would be dead
   I would have been a better friend

I feel responsible for your pain
   I could have tried harder to lessen it
There's so many times I regret
   I could have comforted you when you were down
If I'd only been there when you hit your low
   I could have stopped you, I could have tried
My guilt is so clear to me
   I could have stopped you, before you died

die bäume sind frisch
der See ist salzig und kühl
Deutschland macht Spaß, ja?

I walk into a hospital and the hospital is a graveyard. A doctor stands with his back to me, performing a ballet autopsy on a bluish barbarian. A single salty droplet falls from the  bluish barbarian's head and there is a tremor in his hand. "He is alive" I whisper. "Stop doctor, stop," I say but the doctor doesn't listen. I keep shouting louder and louder until I am making a huge racket. A skeleton nurse shushes me. I scream and the doctor jerks, his graceful movements broken. He turns to me and his glacial eyes take over my mind, stripping away my layers until I am barren, exposed. He speaks but his voice is a wolf's voice. A wolf's voice isn't like a human voice, it is *******, harsh. "Look what you've done" he growls. "Now it's impure. It's weak." I watch as the bluish barbarian becomes dozens of tiny screaming beetles. Then he is dust and the graveyard is an urban labyrinth. "You stupid thing," says the doctor but the doctor is now an ant. I laugh and walk into the labyrinth but the doctor-ant follows me. "Shut up" I say and I laugh and I cough and I walk into the phlebotomy lab and break my skull on a glove. "I told you" says the ant and it walks away and I cry.

daddy said i had to go to bed
i told him there was a monster there
he looked underneath and then he said
"it's gone princess" and ruffled my hair

"but the monster's waiting for night"
daddy wouldn't listen to me
but later he heard me and turned on the light
he said it was impossible, it couldn't be

the monster grinned all over its faces
revealing its throats, twisted mesh
"come lie down, we're playing a game"
as it picked apart my flesh

i am cocooned in lies
i am comfortable in this home
i am so warm, so sleepy, so hazy
i weave more lies, more warmth, more comfort
i keep away sharp truth, cruel nettles reaching for my legs

i am nobody
i am a false being, a myth
i am confused in this spider's web
i struggle, but my cocoon does not give
i try so hard, but my cocoon is a straightjacket

i am crying
i am lost in myself
i am lost outside myself
i remember a name but not mine
i remember a person but not myself

who am i?
i lie

he opens the door and I flash him a smile how are you doing
I say he just shrugs and goes upstairs he always goes upstairs what
does he do up there is he wanking god I hope
he's wanking something normal please no my son is normal he
is he just has issues connecting yes connecting that's the
problem nothing else just that really
she smiles at me but I don't smile I can't smile I'm so
stupid why can't I show emotion even false emotion I just
need some time yes some time then I can be normal again but
what even is normal for you shut up shut up you haven't been
normal for so long have you no stop I can't deal with it not
today not now I have to be happy for her
I got a call today it's the bills again I might have to sell
something but what can I do without him noticing he
always notices but doesn't say he very loudly doesn't
say sometimes I wish I had a less bright son but no that's
horrible of course I want him to do well I just wish he could be a
child I mean he has to grow up but really this fast?
I got another burn this time on my neck it'll be really difficult
to hide this time I'm so worried I have to be so careful around
her why am I so stupid I can't let her know I'm smoking again and especially not who  with I need to be perfect for her I know she
worries I just have to avoid her until it goes away I can make
an excuse yes it'll be fine everything will be fine
I called him down to watch TV but I'm not sure he wants to
watch this he's not laughing am I laughing too loud? I'm
worried I can't remember his laugh come on laugh please I
know something's wrong but he won't tell me or maybe
I'm just too scared to ask I'm an awful mother I'll just
ask him if he wants to watch this then he can leave
did I sound angry? I always sound angry why she
only asked me a question she sounded so nervous I'm so
horrible this show is funny but I'm not laughing why am
I not laughing oh god she must think I'm dysfunctional well
maybe I am shut up watch the show I can't even enjoy
a stupid show come on **** what's wrong with me
he's watching this stupid show because of me isn't
he just to make me happy why does he do that he's so
selfless like he thinks he needs to take care of me but isn't that
supposed to be my job? I'm so stupid and he's so smart he
probably looks down on me I'm so emotional he's so in
control he probably knows everything oh god
I can tell she's not concentrating on the show now it's
me isn't it I'm always such a burden I wish she didn't have
to take care of me I know she struggles a lot and she
tries so hard but I don't really make it easy for her do I no
I just **** myself up and make her sad but I can't help it but
that's no excuse I'm so pathetic I'm sorry
Harold wants to come over again he's so creepy with his grabby
hands but I can't lose this job not now there's too much I have to
pay for I have to make sure my son has what he needs I
can't think about myself he's all I have he's more important than
me so I have to let Harold be here **** why am I so stupid if I had any
brains at all I could get a decent job and be a good mother for him
I'm going out with Mark mum except I'm not I haven't talked
to him in six months but she worries I don't have a good
social life so sometimes I go out and sit in a cafe and watch people as
they go by with their lives and then I get sad and then I go home and she's there and I lie again and I hate it but she's all I have she's more
important than me so I have to not be a burden to her
I protect him, to keep him innocent
*I protect her, to keep her happy

Go ahead and laugh
Go ahead and do it
Go ahead and ruin it
Destroy it
Shred it to pieces
Who needs pride anyway?
Strip it from me like everything else
Like you always do
Because God forbid you should support someone

Black, white, grey
Male, female, **me

Screaming in silence
Urges so strong
Inside a whirlpool
Crying for so long
It becomes clear
Death is here
E**very step of the dark, dark way

Skip a little higher
while you can still skip
Run a little faster
while you can still run
Laugh a little louder
while you can still laugh
Smile a little wider
while you can still smile
Eat a little more
while you can still eat
Breathe a little deeper
while you can still breathe
Live a little more
while you can still live
Stand a little further
while you can still stand
to be around the broken
*and not become broken yourself

the sign above her tent reads Misfortune Teller
but they call her the darkness dweller
she doesn't mess around with fancy effects
her tent is a plain black, the inside the same
a single table rests in the middle
and there she sits, black hair and eyes gleaming
a black t-shirt and jeans
adornments are distracting
she takes your hand in her delicate fingers
looking deep into your eyes, into your soul
until everything else fades away
then she begins to speak
in a voice almost whispering
and she tells you your woes
she tells the plain truth, no watering down
she doesn't believe in messing around
and when she's done, you know and you leave
neither of you making a sound
you feel as though it was only a minute
but you were in that tent for hours
you look at the floor, eyes glazed
not noticing people around you doing the same
the sign above her tent reads Misfortune Teller
but they call her the darkness dweller

Perhaps he'll breathe.
Just wait a moment, just-
Wait a few more.
Don't call anyone.
There's no need to.
He'll breathe.
Just wait a moment, just-
Wait a few more.
Don't start crying.
There's no need to.
He'll breathe.
Just wait a moment, just-
Wait a few more.
Don't move.
There's no need to.
He'll breathe.
Just wait a moment, just-
Wait a few more.

naked
bare
dissected
exposing myself
to you
to anybody
listening
begging for
someone
anyone
a hero
babbling on
unable to
form
coherance
the hounds
are coming
sniffing
me out
stripping
my hope
my life
my thoughts
my soul
so please
please
*please

Hidden in the darkness, in the shadows, crouching
Elfin, or is it skeletal, like paper, like a wisp of smoke?
Longing eyes, strands of saliva oozing down a tiny chin
Predatorial, sniffing, snarling, waiting, watching, pouncing

Heart racing, blood scented, ******* cry, frightened prey
Everything running, always running, running faster
R**un, run, run all you like, *the shadows always catch you, in the end

Running
Always running
After you
And yet
You never ask
If I want to
You assume
That I follow
So I do

Running
Now I'm running
Away
It became
Too painful
To stay
I wish
There was
Another way
But maybe
You'll all run after me
Today

"Get up"
"No"
She opened the curtains
I tried to fight off the light

"Get up"
"No"
She dragged away the duvet
I curled up against the cold

"Get up"
"No"
She pulled the black cloth from the mirror
I screamed at her to stop

But it was too late
There it was
The face
My face
But not my face
A happy face
Smooth under the eyes
Perfect nails
Clean wrists
I couldn't breathe
It was choking me
My eyes hurt
Was I crying?
There were no tears
There was no water
Left
In my body
Its body was smooth
Its body was perfect
Its body was healthy
And so was its mind

The monster comes with darkness,
With shadows and with night.
A hand to keep me quiet,
Another to halt my flight.
Boots to give me bruises,
That don't stop 'til I see white.
The monster comes with darkness,
And goes away in the light.

The monster hides from sunshine,
Creeps into my soul.
I try to keep it tucked away,
But to ruin me is its goal.
People see it within me,
See my eyes turn to coal.
The monster hides from sunshine,
Inside its pre-made hole.

The monster saps the strength from me,
The strength to appear in the light.
It only happens sometimes,
But the monster likes to bite.
And when the people ask me,
"Why must you always fight?"
The monster saps the strength from me,
To tell them of my plight.

Mirror, mirror
Said the queen
Self-conscious,
Not wanting to be seen

Mirror, mirror
Every day
Urging wrinkles
Not to stay

Mirror, mirror
She was taught
If she was ugly
She was naught

Mirror, mirror
She cannot feel
Emotions ruin
Her appeal

Mirror, mirror
She feels dead
To the husband
In her bed

Mirror, mirror
Her heart is failing
Her lungs are gasping
Her kidneys wailing

Mirror, mirror
The doctor said
She has a growth
In her head

Mirror, mirror
She cannot stand
But she's still the most
Beautiful in the land

Mirror, mirror
But not anymore
Her place taken
By the child of a *****

Mirror, mirror
She needs a heart
The child has one
There's a start

Mirror, mirror
She's in so much pain
She doesn't know
How to be humane

Mirror, mirror
The child is dead
The heart is weak
But she has fed

Mirror, mirror
The heart has failed
There is no other
That ship has sailed

Mirror, mirror
She is desperate to live
She finds a corrupt magicker
And gives all she can give

Mirror, mirror
She feeds on death
Each soul she takes
Lies in every breath

Mirror, mirror
She carves words in her skin
EVIL, VAMPYR
DEMON, SIN

Mirror, mirror
She moans in the night
Her husband sleeps in a separate bed
Yet still quakes in fright

Mirror, mirror
The child is not dead
All the lives she has taken
When she could have taken one instead

Mirror, mirror
Look at her now
Twisted and broken
Macabre magick on her brow

Mirror, mirror
The child must pay
Perhaps her soul will be redeemed
It is the only way

There she was.
Suspended in water,
The fireman's daughter.

There she sank.
Over in that lake,
In the middle of a quake.

There she screamed.
With no one to hear her,
With no one near her.

There she fought.
Clutching at life,
Impaled on a knife.

There she died.
A thieving botched,
As a little boy watched.

There she was.
There she died,
As a little boy cried.

Can you imagine it?
I can imagine only an illusion
Can you picture it?
I can picture only an elusive dream
Can you visualise it?
I can visualise only a false hope
Can you?
**I can only dream