he opens the door and I flash him a smile how are you doing
I say he just shrugs and goes upstairs he always goes upstairs what
does he do up there is he wanking god I hope
he's wanking something normal please no my son is normal he
is he just has issues connecting yes connecting that's the
problem nothing else just that really
she smiles at me but I don't smile I can't smile I'm so
stupid why can't I show emotion even false emotion I just
need some time yes some time then I can be normal again but
what even is normal for you shut up shut up you haven't been
normal for so long have you no stop I can't deal with it not
today not now I have to be happy for her
I got a call today it's the bills again I might have to sell
something but what can I do without him noticing he
always notices but doesn't say he very loudly doesn't
say sometimes I wish I had a less bright son but no that's
horrible of course I want him to do well I just wish he could be a
child I mean he has to grow up but really this fast?
I got another burn this time on my neck it'll be really difficult
to hide this time I'm so worried I have to be so careful around
her why am I so stupid I can't let her know I'm smoking again and especially not who  with I need to be perfect for her I know she
worries I just have to avoid her until it goes away I can make
an excuse yes it'll be fine everything will be fine
I called him down to watch TV but I'm not sure he wants to
watch this he's not laughing am I laughing too loud? I'm
worried I can't remember his laugh come on laugh please I
know something's wrong but he won't tell me or maybe
I'm just too scared to ask I'm an awful mother I'll just
ask him if he wants to watch this then he can leave
did I sound angry? I always sound angry why she
only asked me a question she sounded so nervous I'm so
horrible this show is funny but I'm not laughing why am
I not laughing oh god she must think I'm dysfunctional well
maybe I am shut up watch the show I can't even enjoy
a stupid show come on **** what's wrong with me
he's watching this stupid show because of me isn't
he just to make me happy why does he do that he's so
selfless like he thinks he needs to take care of me but isn't that
supposed to be my job? I'm so stupid and he's so smart he
probably looks down on me I'm so emotional he's so in
control he probably knows everything oh god
I can tell she's not concentrating on the show now it's
me isn't it I'm always such a burden I wish she didn't have
to take care of me I know she struggles a lot and she
tries so hard but I don't really make it easy for her do I no
I just **** myself up and make her sad but I can't help it but
that's no excuse I'm so pathetic I'm sorry
Harold wants to come over again he's so creepy with his grabby
hands but I can't lose this job not now there's too much I have to
pay for I have to make sure my son has what he needs I
can't think about myself he's all I have he's more important than
me so I have to let Harold be here **** why am I so stupid if I had any
brains at all I could get a decent job and be a good mother for him
I'm going out with Mark mum except I'm not I haven't talked
to him in six months but she worries I don't have a good
social life so sometimes I go out and sit in a cafe and watch people as
they go by with their lives and then I get sad and then I go home and she's there and I lie again and I hate it but she's all I have she's more
important than me so I have to not be a burden to her
I protect him, to keep him innocent
*I protect her, to keep her happy