Normal people can find joy in normal ways
But I find joy in the pain
The sweet release from the numbness
The rigor of the sting
And as steel meets skin
Here I fall again

Brown Hair
Blonde Hair
Blue Hair
Green
Dye it every color of the rainbow
And some more in between

I remember the first time I saw you
Simply a reflection in the mirror
You seemed so harmless
And soon you held me
You made me feel safe in a make-believe world
When the real world was looking grim

I suppose I like the idea of having something that cared
Even if you weren't real
Or at least I told myself you weren't
And at first you seemed that way
Something small, and easy to manage
You gave the appearance of being just a small fluke
But I think we both know that's wrong

You remained in your dormant state for a while
Up until I took another emotional battering
So you stood with me knee deep in snow under that window
And we watched it unfold
I know you could tell how shattered I was feeling
And that darkness inside me fueled you
You grew just a little bit taller
And a little bit stronger

Now no one could have stood by my side quite like you did
You were no longer a visitor in my life
You had become an expected guest
I was as sure to see you as the sun was sure to sink into the horizon

I'm sure you could tell I was falling apart
And all the time you grew taller and stronger
I didn't even notice how tall or how strong you had become
At least not until it was too late

I took another emotional blunder
Once again knee deep in snow but you stood in my way
Under that sickly old tree
And the hate in your eyes terrified me more than anything

I knew I could avoid you if I could avoid the dark
But you put up a fight
You filled my dreams with water
And you drown me out

You broke me
Told me I was worthless
And when the time came you let me swallow those little green pills
Those were awful
Dying without death was awful

And so it went on
You'd soften when I was broken
Yet you'd be relentless if I even dared to hope
The perfect balance
Push enough to keep my head down where you needed it
But don't break me

I learned to live with the nightmares
And I learned not to look into your fiery red eyes
And I tried to live my life the best I could
Despite the falling world around me
And you did you best to keep me in line

You relished in it all
Every drop of blood
Every broken sigh
Every fallen tear
And you sat there the whole time and took it in
Like I was a painting you were mesmerized with

After three years of your sick games I met someone
You probably remember him quite well
He was a friend when I needed one the most
And he understood me
He understood you

And you grew taller and stronger
You stopped hiding in shadows
Started making daytime appearances
And you became so hurtful
You filled my head with lies
And I believed them
Because you are an excellent liar
Best in the business
You were determined to put me back in my place

It hurt you know
When you'd pull my hair
When you would steal my breath with a single touch
When you would paralyze me in fear
Those kinds of things hurt more than you'd think

And all the time you were getting taller and stronger
And more and more willing to destroy me
Because if you couldn't have me no one could

So we began the dance of death
Cutting a little bit deeper and deeper every time
And soon I couldn't tell where I stopped and you began
Because I was stuck in this whole you had made me dig
So while you were tearing me limb from limb
Eating me alive
I just wanted to die
To be free from all the world had put on me

Maybe you're the reason I was never successful in freeing my soul
A dead host means a dead parasite
Or maybe god just took pity
I don't think either of us really know

But you're **** show came to an end with his betrayal
I lost my friend and you finally let up

I made my last attempt on my life that summer
And that following winter I made my last cut
I started to push you out
And though you fought
I fought too

So you made your last few meaningful experiences in a closet
Locked in the dark I sat though your rage
And I learned how to control you
Just like how you controlled me.
And though you grew taller and stronger as I refused your voice
Eventually you didn't grow at all

I wouldn't call it a victory
Because I never won
You are still out there
And I see you in glimpses of the dark
But I have been rebuilt
And you cannot hurt me anymore