This classroom was full at the beginning of the semester
And it didn't happen all at once
One by one students not understanding
One by one failing tests
Realizing they won't make it
And don't get me wrong
I might not too
But at least I'm still here trying

Pretty sure this is the feeling a heart makes when it breaks
And I know I've turned the page
I just hope you don't see me the same
And the silence is unending
Cause I know you don't care
Could be today or a year ago
Time hasn't made a difference when it comes to me

Funny thing when you realize you don't have any real following
Mom has always wanted me to have more friends
But shes critical of the ones I have
So I've gotten used to silence  
Sleepovers for one
And emptiness
I thought
You know
That it would be
Different here, unlike at home
But I'm still without anyone really
So I type my words into a screen and just hope
Hope maybe somewhere out there is the friend I need

One second I'm dancing in neon light
And the next bleeding out in the shower
Its as different as night and day and yet
Both take place in under an hour
Because that's the thing about the human mind
It has unreachable highs
And unfathomable lows
Down in the sorrows or reach for the stars

You brought a joy into my life that I have never felt before
And it made every moment with you pure bliss
It was as if seeing a color I never had before
And your color lit my world
It showed me trough the darkest days
But when you left this world so did your color
That shine I loved was gone
So now I remain in darkness
Waiting to meet you in another world.

Close my eyes and I can see yours again
Let myself get lost in the distant memory
The song plays through my head
And it's like watching a movie through my own eyes
Because I know it's not real

And I remember how I pressed my head against your chest
How soft your lips felt on my cheek
And how my heart shuddered when you whispered that you loved me
I never wanted it to end

And I'll never forget how soft that dress was
Or the respect I commanded dressed in blood with crown in hand
I wont forget the glittering lights
Or the warm air that night accompanied by the soft breeze

But most of all I wont forget you
Your smile your laugh
Your pocket square with four prongs
I can't forget your dancing
Your sweeping me off my feet

And how could I
You made me feel like a queen for just one night
And as wonderful as it all was
All I really needed that night was you

Screen in hand I scroll past the pointless pictures
Until suddenly I see your face
You're smiling with the same dumb grin
Not a picture you've taken
You're probably not even aware it exists
Too caught up in the moment
You're surrounded by friends
People I used to call friends too once a long time ago
I can feel the tears build in my eyes
Even though I told myself I wouldn't cry over you
It's the end of an era that's for sure
Everything that was once mine here is gone

Every Time I think I found it
Think I've got it right
It slips through my fingers
And I'm alone again
I just wish I could get it right
Finally fit in somewhere
Finally find the place where I belong

So one day this rash shows up on your arm after you go for a walk
You assume at the time no big deal
Just be careful on walks

But then the rash never leaves
It just kind of festers and grows
Until it's gone from a patch to an outbreak

You try getting more sleep
Maybe change your diet
And you stop taking walks

But the rash still grows
And it grows
And it becomes uncontrollable

It take over your life
Prevents you from going out
From enjoying life

It keeps you as it's prisoner
And you hate that rash
So you try to banish it

It's no longer a mere accident but a full infection
So you look into it some more
But there are so many things that start out as a rash

You figure maybe you just have dry skin
But what if that's not it
What if you have a disease or worse

So now you both have a rash and are afraid
You don't know what to do
So you try everything in your power

But the rash remains
You're without options
It's time to bring in outside help

You ask yourself what it could be
And as much as you think you might know
You have a hunch and you're terrified to have it confirmed

So the question remains
While ignorance is pain it is also bliss on the soul
Knowledge heals but not without bringing about an often ugly truth

That is what having a mental disorder is like
It's not beautiful
It's not easy

It's like a rash
But it's inside your brain so not quite like a rash
But also very much like a rash in the way it mentally controls you

And it eats you away begging for an answer
And answer you'l never have
At least not without some pain

Perfect place to live
Yet so far from home

Perfect person to live with
Yet just as broken as me

Perfect job to be in
Yet a overwhelmed minority

Perfect person to love
Yet worried on how much time remains

Looking back
When you said those words they held some weight
And I laughed it off at the time
But I went back to my bed that night
And my mind began to race
I know you've painted a target on my back
If I was more oblivious to people like you I would not have seen it
But it's bright red like blood
And rather noticeable

I should have known better
Every laugh and smile comes with a price
And it's never cheap
So when you said those words
All I heard was the price

I will not pay your ransom
I am not interested in those words
And while you were technically correct
You were also very wrong
So believe me when I say this
If you ever feel so bold as to use those words on me again
I'll make you eat them

I step over the edge
My feet feel the rope
Test it
And then I step again
Fully on the line
And at first I feel as though I will fall
I wobble and I lean over what feels like miles
And I don't want to fall
It's a fine line and I'm not sure I know how to walk it
But I hope with you here I can take your hand
Walk it to the end
Lest I fall off again
And start all over again

Days turn to hours,
Hours to minutes,
Minutes to seconds.
Time slips away,
Faster and faster with every moment,
Until I'm stranded without you.

How times goes by
Only been a year but it's still amazing
Everything that has changed
How we've all aged

I never thought I'd see you all again
but now I can't wait
Funny how the passage of time changes things

Cause time gone by it time you cant return
And the day's I have missed are gone forever
But in the moment we have now
And though the days are limited
I promise to cherish them
Until we part again

Close my eyes and I'm there again
The cold floor of the kitchen and the heat from the wood stove
Into the hallway and you're there
And it feels too good to be true
Together again
And we can watch old monster movies
Ride dirt bikes through the mud
Shoot arrows at imaginary deer
Just as long as we're together again

Put the gun up to my head
Pull the trigger
Now she's dead
Doesn't really matter anyways
Tomorrow is here

The flowers have burst their buds
And the rivers will start to flood
But she lies cold in a patch of daises
Like a queen amongst her subjects
But she rules over none

And as the sky bleeds into grey
It dosn't matter anyway
Because tomorrow is here to stay

To my first love
I suppose I never really fell for you
It was more like a shove
Little did I know of the storm that was about to brew

You were kind once upon a time
Don't know where that sweetness went
Back then we were both in our prime
And words you said were what they meant

But time destroyed your heart
And soon you destroyed me
Now I'm glad we are so very far apart
Because I have found where I am supposed to be

You are a monster and thus
This is the end of us

You make the jokes and I smile as to say sure
Maybe right
And we move onto another topic is discussion
No harm no foul
But you don't see the tears in my eyes as I fall asleep
You can't feel the weight in my heart very moment of every day
So what can I do besides smile when you kid
Do I dare tell you the truth
That what, I'll never be a bride?
Or that women with psychotic tendencies make terrible mothers?
You ignore my warnings
Simply turn them away
And if only it was that easy
If I could loose them like butterflies on a gust of wind
But I'm like an infection you've caught
I'm toxic
I have violent nightmares
Both dreaming and awake
I can't dance or cook or be anything you hope to have
So I don't know why you continue to hold on
Although I hope you never let go
But that's what infections do
Until they **** you

Wedding bells
As fortune tells
Two souls as one

Happy times
And stupid rhymes
A future about to begin

White lace
And a sunny place
The things of dreams

Yet you won't see me
I will stay under this tree
Like an Ode on a Grecian Urn

No lace for this girl
And not a single dance to whirl
Because I am not bride nor groom

So leave me be
And go and see
Two souls as one

Sometimes I wish something would happen
Not every day
Not even every week
Just every once in a while

If I started walking now
Maybe I could reach you by sunrise
It's far fetched
And highly unlikely
But a girl can dream
And I dream of the day I can be in your arms again

I walk this empty street
And I can't help but wonder
Why it has to hurt so much
The pain of being alive
And I'll make another cut
Bleed in another ditch
But lastly
I'll think of you
With your warm voice
And your cold heart
And believe me
I can't wait to see you again

A baby rabbit fur grey as the sky lies dead
Her eyes stare blankly upward
Watching god
Her body lifeless
Her family gone
She is cold and helpless in my hands
And I cannot help but think
She has gone too soon
As many before her

Whenever I stand in the mirror
I cant stand what I see
A miniature to a man I cannot stand
Cold Blue lifeless eyes
Hair as dark as the nights I struggled through
And skin as tarnished as the war zone in my heart

Whenever I see you in the mirror
I can't look away
The living embodiment of all I love
Eyes like the sky
Hair as soft as your voice
Arms for me to hideaway in

Whenever I see us together in the mirror
It feels surreal
As if I was dreaming
Cant help but hope you'll hold me there forever
Suspended there
You and me

When I die I think of you
I think of your smile and your laugh
I don't want to be the one to steal them when I die
Because when I die you'll think of me
In nothing more than a fond memory
Your smile will fade
Your laugh will wither
And I'll rot in the ground where I was delivered
I don't want to destroy your happiness
How my existence makes you happy I'll never know
But as I die I think of you

You've heard it before
Most likely from a small child
"When I grow up"
And from the perspective of a child that statement is full of hope
It's the ultimate goal
It's their own personal victory

But one day you look at yourself
And you realize you have grown up
And maybe you're lucky and you've achieved your goals
But for most maybe you never did

Maybe you tried and gave it all you had
Only to feel left out in the cold
Maybe you changed your mind
Of maybe you just grew old

I stand in the mirror and I must ask
Who am I?
As I see it now I'm an upcoming young woman
Dressed in white with the future laid out before her
Finally commanding the respect I once craved
But I listen to the music
Our old songs
And I remember when I was nothing more than a passenger
Just trying to get to a destination
And somewhere between here and now I changed
From another emo gutter rat to a lady
And for so long this is what I thought I wanted
But the title of lady doesn't suit me at all
So as I stand in the mirror it's not one reflection I see but two
A put together lady in red
And a thrasher in black
And they both smile the same sick twisted way
And I just wish it was easy to figure it out
Who am I?

I used to hurt myself every single day
Used to maybe to go a week at best without fresh wounds
Used to need it to get through the day

And it's difficult to explain
And it's different for everyone that chooses to feel pain
Cause that is exactly what it is choosing to feel pain
It's wanting to not be numb
Wanting to feel alive
Wanting to feel anything other than that emptiness
Because the emptiness is the heaviest thing you will never have
It's like filing your heart up with rocks
Feeling it sink in your chest

And that heaviness at first is just a symptom
It ***** but you push forward
But it gets heavier and you slowly loose control
Instead of growing stronger the weight just wears you out
And son you feel the weight piling on more than ever
Every time they...
...call you a name...
...push you down...
...use you...
...ignore you...
...abuse you...

And it builds and builds and you can't keep going
And you start to wonder what if I just didn't exist
And the thought scares you to death but you feel so helpless
And you can't keep carrying the weight in you heart without help
So every single day the though come up
What if you just died

And every day it seems more and more like a better idea
Because you're tired of crying yourself to sleep
And you're tired of always feeling alone and unwanted
And everything is so numb that it hurts
So you give it a shot and it's messy
It always is the first time
And there's blood
But for once you don't feel like you have a heart full of rocks
Instead your heart is racing from the rush
And you feel something
Its painful and awful but it's something
And its nice but not necessary

So a few weeks later on you're at your breaking point again
And you put steel to skin
And the blood arises from the **** like a mountain spring
And your body feels the rush all over again
Before you know it every day is a pain and all you want is to feel
So you're like me
Slit your wrists before bed
Cuts in the mouth in the morning
And the torment all day between the two

And you're not destroying your body because you're suicidal
You aren't doing it oping you'll die
You're not ripping flesh from flesh because you want attention
The horror inst worth a few glances

You're spilling blood like a warlord committing crimes only against your own body because you're trying desperately to stay alive and only in this bleeding, in this pain can you find any peace from the pain of existence and the voice inside you that tell a you just to give up and die already

It's counter-intuitive but it's what keeps you alive for another day

I'm sorry
Sorry I"m not everything I was supposed to become
Sorry I didn't turn out perfect like you wanted me to
And not a day goes by that I don't remember
The pain littered in my memories
And the dreams of a little girl
With my heavy heart I lay her to rest now
Her dreams dies with her and there's no going back now

One Year Ago Today I Was:

In A Bad Situation To Say The Least
Feeling Very Worthless And Alone
Incredibly Cold In The Snow
Staying A Friends House
In Love With A Monster
Heavily Intoxicated
Wearing A Dress
Bleeding Out
Violated

Today I Am:

Far Away From My Past And The Pain
In Love With My Dear Sweet Boy
Happy Healthy And Free
Studying For My Trade
Without a Single Cut
Living on My Own
Emotionally Intact
Warm At Heart
Reborn

You don't look the same
But why am I surprised
And honestly it's a shame
Because I miss your cold blue eyes

You say you envy me but you don't understand
I'm tired of fighting and dying
Just once I want to be given the upper hand
Because if I said it was easy I'd be lying

So maybe you're so sorry for me
Since you know what I've become
This thing I am forced to be
You know from where it comes

I don't want you help as much as you try to give
It's on my own terms that I plan to live

Some days I can't believe you are in my life
You just seem so perfect
And I'm really not
I can't believe you love me
Tolerate me
And care for me
Even when I'm not at my best
And I know I don't deserve you
But for some reason you stay
And I'm so happy to have you in my life

It was in your arms like I always am that I had my first nightmare starring you

It started simple enough
Wake up like we always do
You off to class and me back off to sleep
And then the ringing began
Ringing in my ears
The phone
And I heard her tell me
The news
Every detail
Every fact
And I felt sick
So I went to get up
Get dressed and put myself into something that resembles a human being
Just like I always do
Except I couldn't
I was frozen there
Suspended in that dark dream unable to move
You were dying
An accident and you were dying
Bleeding out body failing and just dying
And I couldn't get to you
Couldn't talk to you
Couldn't hold you
I remained frozen by the sick twist of a dream
And I cried
Feeling as each part of my heart broke
Shattered like glass on pavement
And you were gone

Maybe it's the way your smile captivates me
The way your words help me to see
The way your existence allows me to be

Could it be the depth in your eyes
The absence of lies
The way I hate to say goodbye

By chance is it the music you play
The powerful words you say
The way you make my day

Possibly the connection I feel
The way you seem so surreal
The ability you have to make my heart kneel