I still long to go to California,
I want to see that place.
The jellyfish filled space in Monterey
I want to touch the tank's glass
and see the sea nettles up close.
I want to be there
and know that I'm home.

I can tell, you're pushing me out.
You're growing tired of having me around.
It's obvious and makes me feel as though
I could just drown...
I never thought the day would come
when you'd want me out.

I feel bad about the moods I've been in.
I've noticed you're trying
which makes me smile again.

Everything is so heavy,
and it's hard to stay sleeping
(at least during the night,)
I lay awake reading,
absolutely anything that I can find.
To keep my mind occupied...
and I'm sorry.

I took the Christmas lights down,  
they're really out of season.
My room is always dark now,
it makes me feel kind of barren.

I want to hide my face and cry,
I'm tired of no one understanding why.
I bluntly say what's on my mind
and yet you say that I've lost my mind.
Nothing will change, because really
my feelings don't matter.

I really care for you
and I know you do too.
Thanks to you,
I've become who I am.
You're not only my lover
you're my best friend.
I want to experience
so many things together.
I want to have something
that will be remembered,
I want to keep learning
and growing with you.
I love that when I least expect it,
we go through something new.
Nothing is never nothing,
when it's something with you.

He's like the first snowfall
in the beginning of winter.
After the heat and craze
of a stressful summer,
he shows up to cool you down
and is so lovely, but funny too.
He'll cheer you up,
even if it means throwing a snowball at you!
While blizzards sometimes occur,
he always goes back to that softness.
The softness that looks so perfect and simple.
The same way it looked
after the first snow fall.

Eyes open to a dim room
after a few moments I think of you,
the heaviness above me
yet I feel so empty?

It's so hard to sit up
please just lay back down.
Close your eyes again,
no one is around!

Eyes open again to a dim room,
I wonder what time it is
but this darkness still looms.

You make me feel happy,
you fill me with hope.
You've changed my life
in ways you'll never know.

But I want to know...
how do I make you feel?
Do I make you feel special?
Do I make you feel real?

I want to know,
if I make you smile wide.
If you long to reach for my hand
when you can see the tides.

I'm more fragile than you think.
Like a chalkboard, I've begun to screech
because I can't take anymore chalk on me.
I may have a cold and smooth surface
but you see me as ugly until you start erasing
all the cramped up information that surrounds me.

I got close to sleeping,
but stress has decided
on having a sleepover,
(again.)

Everything is fine
just close your eyes.
Slowly drift away
don't worry about a thing.
Once you're asleep,
those feelings will melt away
and you will wake up
in a brand new day.

Feeling disconnected,
from the ones who surround you each day, is sadder and scarier than being lost in the darkest of caves.

I look one way only to be turned away,
someone else is more important right now.
I search for comfort from others
who I've grown close to with time.

It's not the same.

It all becomes a very depressing pattern,
what happens over the time it takes
for you to become, locked out.
Until only special people can help.

I love reading your books
but cannot anymore.
I burst into tears
each time I open that door,
the one that leads into
the library of your heart.

I check on you,
despite being blocked
I wonder what you're up to.
In the end I miss you often,
how could I not?
You were around for so long...
but I'm slowly learning
how to live without you.

When you say my name that way,
and I can hear it in your voice...
that your smiling, it makes me smile too.
I love smiling with you you.

In my room,
in my bed.
Under blankets,
resting my head.
In your hoodie,
I remember
you were wearing
when we first met.
I'm really tired,
I want you here
in my room,  
half asleep
and holding me
in your sweater
that you gave me.

I no longer listen to those songs I once loved,
because I don't want to turn into
what could've been for you and her.
I always thought we'd find our own songs either way.

I don't know what happened to me.
I used to write beautiful things,
but these days I seem to ramble on
until the notes match, only my song.

It makes me wonder why I'm still here
on this website to explain ever tear
to anyone who'll read.

I'm so thankful to have such an understanding and loving character by my side.
Even when the wrath of the tides within me show, he listens and answers with healing words.
He always brings a smile to my face.

Why am I here?
Laying under blankets,
eyes filled with tears,
everything feels uninteresting.
All I feel is disgusting and sad.
I don't want to bring others down
but when they can see through the mask
they get mad.

*and I end up ignored anyways.

I cried the day you told me goodbye in the hallway where so many memories of mine were made sad, and I'm crying again now after learning about your death.

It's hard for me to speak,
my heart is racing
and my stomach has
decided to disagree with me.
Then the tears fall endlessly.
I don't want to do anything.

When things like this come up,
I often wonder if I'm good enough.
I'll feel cold as I remember it all
then super weak remembering the fall.

I tried my hardest to forget,
I had thought denial was my best friend.
Just when I think I've made peace with it,
everything comes crashing back to me...

I hate these heated months.
Not only because of the bugs,
and the weather that brings so much sweat
but because of the nightmares that come with them.

When I go back
and listen from beginning to end
every song I listened to back then,
I feel so sad.

Remembering all that I did,  
back when I was feeling hopeless.

I want to kiss you
at the end of each night
and the beginning of every day,
I wanna be there so you can see
me smiling at the things you say.

Up until my eyes are bloodshot.
I think about my life until my stomach is in knots,
I feel sad, happy, mad, sometimes it gets confusing.
In the end I do fall asleep but tomorrow I know what's awaiting me.

Sometimes I leave my computer on
when I'm trying to fall asleep at night...
it used to bother me greatly,
but now it just reminds me of when you were here.

The more I recall the
things you ranted,
the more angry I feel towards you,
and all the less enchanted.