My Heart and a Space for Yours

There’s a space in my chest next to my heart
It’s the perfect size for yours to fit safe and sound

Your Harbor

When it all becomes too much,
I can be your safe harbor

How much do you want me to do?
How much will be enough?
When will it stop?
When can I just...
Stop?

Your Eyes, In Every Life

I would know your eyes in every life
In every incarnation, I would find you

And sometimes,

she wishes that she'd finally be enough for someone.

Is it living?

Or is it just dying slowly?

Saying goodnight is always hard,

and perhaps it's because I'm scared of the dark.

Or perhaps I'm scared of what may become visible the next morning.

He was so young and so doomed.
A boy.
Only 16.
He’d slay his angels and slow dance with his demons,
But he loved with all of his shattered heart,
And that?
Well that was what made him mine.

Written word used to be an
extension of my mind; my
       thoughts imprinted onto paper
   in neatly formed sentences.

but now                              
they are jagged
uneven.                    
         tired.
                      torn.
malformed.                    ­            
                               incomprehensible.

I can't seem to put the words
together into sentences that  
have meaning.                      

The razor edge of my words
cut me, bleed my body dry
until there's nothing left    
but dust.

And I guess we were never anything more than star-crossed kids
that never truly learned how to love.

When we met, I was Blue,
Shaking, trembling, sobbing
I was the Pacific Ocean;
Cold and withdrawn.

You said hello, and I was Yellow.
A happy, carefree, summergirl.
Yellow as buttercups, as the sun
Warm and caring and healthy.

As I fell, I turned Orange
A warm and comforting love
A cosy couple, a mug of apple cider couple
And a pile of fallen leaves couple.

I turned Gray when winter came
And chased you away from me
I was cold and lifeless once more
But without me, you were also Gray

We came together a second time
And I was Red as the setting sun
Red as roses, Red as the blood in our veins
Red as the hearts that beat for one another once more.

Perhaps it’s time

I don’t understand

You’re right, and this is where I draw the line

Can you please explain?

I’m tired of this life, tired of the lies

I had no idea you were in pain.

Does anyone, really?
Do they really expect it?
Do they have any idea to expect the worst from me?

No, they don’t.

That’s right, they don’t. I hide it too well.

No, you don’t. I saw. I noticed.

And you were too late. Don’t you see me pulling away?

Are you? I had no idea.

Just let me go now. Let me fade until I’m just a bad memory.

A sack of flesh and bone,
Bloodred muscle wrapped in skin,
Given a brain that will **** it over,
So many times that it just wants to stop.
Stop breathing.
Stop existing.
Stop thinking.
It was told that it was one-of-a-kind.
It was told it was loved.
But it was lied to, so many times,
And by so many people.
It’s tired of this life,
Tired of the lies.
Tired of feeling unwanted.
Tired of feeling unloved.

We are us.
We are corrupted.
We are human beings.
We think that we rule the world.
We don’t.
We say that we’re better than everyone else.
We’re not.
We think that we were meant to establish dominance.
We’re weren’t.
We say that we’re just kidding, that we didn’t mean it.
We do.
We think what we don’t say, and we say before we think.
We were meant to be kind to others, no matter how far it got us in life.
But we’re not.

Perhaps it's finally time to let you go
but, god,
it hurts so much to cut you out.

I wasn’t made to love long-distance;
I was made to love up close and personal...

I think I am scared to love.
I’m not used to being the vulnerable one;
The one that stays;
the one that is brave.

I do not know how to love.
I don’t know how to let my walls down
To let my fears out
To put my heart on my sleeve.

I want to love.
God, I want to love,
but my hair smells of war
and running and running.

You ****** me over one too many times...

I still care, but

I'm done waiting for something that's not gonna happen.

We stretch out our hands,
Waiting for salvation.

We watch the dripping sands
Of the hourglass with poignant resignation.

Our society demands
Of us to disregard those in isolation.

But the isolation is the only thing that understands
That this life is really nothing but eternal damnation.

I think I'm falling for you, and that scares me.

Kissing at a Stoplight

Imagine….
Kissing at a stoplight
And ******* off everyone behind us

And perhaps it's because you're gone

that I'm made of stronger stuff

than I was before.

Two plus two is four

One plus one equals two

And perhaps it's also true

That love is equal to me plus you.

I turned 16 the other day.

There's nothing much different,

yet here I am,

a year older, a year closer to death...

a year closer to living the life that I  want.

A year closer to making the change for the better.

A year closer to getting better.

Does it have to be this way?
Why did you go through with it?
You said you were leaving,
But I never really believed you.
Why would I believe you
When you said that you were done with me?
Because who believes those words?

Who believes
That the one they love will leave?
Who believes that the one they love will leave
In flurries of frenzied apologies,
In the slam of a door,
At the merest whisper of dissent in the ranks?

But, look at me now,
You two-faced, lying, cheating little boy.
Watch me rise from the ashes,
A phoenix reborn out of the pain you caused me,
A seedling out of the flames of your fire.

That’s how we were described:
Fire; unhealthy; too much, too fast.
And maybe we were, but God,
We were golden while we lasted.

But the gold sheen always fades.
The beautiful days must come to an end.
As do all the nights that we used to spend wrapped in the other’s sweet scent.

Because honey, we were never meant
To last forever, I guess.

Nothing ever really is.

Everything about him murmurs,
'Welcome home.'
He's tranquillity in my endless storms,
my pinpoint of light in the darkest night,
my shelter from everything.
He's willing to fight for me,
fall for me,
care for me.
And me?
I'm hoping that I can do everything within my power to be worthy of this amazing man.
'Welcome home,'
he murmurs, his arms open and warm.
'Welcome home.'

It's so hard,
to be the perfect daughter
to be the cause of their laughter
to be the sun in an endless black sky.
It's so hard,
to be a good example
to always be the shoulder to cry on
when all that you want to do
is just ******* die.

We each start out with three hearts...

And then we love,

And before we know it,

All of our hearts are gone.

Only this time,

There's no respawning.

The price of admittance into my heart is:

One (1) smile
Two or more (2+) kind words
Three (3) words, said like they were meant
And an infinite amount of patience as I work through my problems.

Children aren't meant to know firsthand of the wars that are fought.
They are not meant to smell of
blood and ash and helplessness.
They aren't meant to be ferocious as feral wolves,
snarling and snapping at anyone that dares to get too close.
They are not meant to have bullets for words,
and knives for hands.
They are not meant to taste of loneliness,
much less of fear and gunmetal.
Children aren't meant to dream of loss
and failure
and sheets of blood that rain down
and paint the buildings
a macabre crimson.
Children aren't meant to become soldiers that fight the wars of their elders.

It’s to fall,
With your heart on your sleeve
It’s to fly,
Your hair ruffled by the breeze
It’s to call,
And have faith and believe
It’s to trust,
That they will let you breathe.
It’s to choke,
As the tears stream down your cheeks
It’s to tear,
As your heart is slowly squeezed
It’s to leave,
Although you’re ripping at the seams
It’s to die,
Although your lungs still seem to breathe.
It’s to cry,
Even though you assure that you’re fine
It’s to jump,
Even if you’re still healing
It’s to smile,
While you’re trying to forget
It’s to fall,
With your heart on your sleeve.

She said that she forgave him

She lied to save him from himself

because the truth was that she couldn't forgive him.

Not after what he'd put her through.

I see you
In the light, in my reflection,
In the clouds.
I see you in the clouds
and where dreams go to die

Perhaps someday we could've worked.

And maybe

That day was not today.

It's hard to believe in love...

...when you seem to grow tired of it so quickly.

Wearing Their Clothes

Wearing your clothes would be a special type of heaven

I knew that the zipper over my mouth was the safety pin in the grenade,
but I pulled that out when I said, in so many minced words,
"I love you."

Darling, we thought we were golden.
Honey we thought that we had it made.
But my dear, what they don't tell you,
is that the tongue is the sharpest blade.

Darling, we thought we were free,
free from the failures of others our age.
You called us love, my dear,
but if it were love...
If it were love then maybe- just maybe-
I'd want to still be here.

Darling, you called us perfect,
but the walls only hold so much back.
Love, you called me your light in the dark,
but I was eventually covered in black.

Inside, I am nothing more than a child
with a branch for a toy sword,
Brandishing it up against
The monsters and villains of my own mind

Inside, I am nothing more than a child,
Crying out for forgiveness for my
Multitude of sins
Against my ancestors of days past

Inside, I am nothing more than a child
That feels as though she isn’t
Good enough for those she loves;
She isn’t good enough to be here

Inside, I am nothing more than a child
That feels as though
She is nothing more than an inconvenience,
That she is nothing more than a burden

We talked today.
I'm not sure if it affected you as it did me,
but,
I'm not willing to stand here,
my bleeding heart in my hands,
waiting for a sign from you that it's okay to let go.
---------------------------
We spoke today,
and I broke down sobbing.
I truly believe that I **** everything up,
everything, everyone that I love,
I ruin them.
--------------------------
We bled today,
waiting for those we love to love us back,
but,
we're not patient enough to be the ones
holding hearts in bleeding hands.

A
Rain
Drop can
Be a god’s tear
Shed on humanity.
It can be more poetic
Then a saturated sunset.
I’ve always loved the rain.
It trickles down, soaking skin,
Hair, and clothing. It hides our
Secrets, our pain, and our fear.
And we love it for that. But,
There are some who hate
It for the same
reason.

Why can't I get you out of my head?

Upon my beating heart
A little bird perches and trills
Of life’s many wonders
And its numerous thrills

Of love and war, I hear him sing
Of how war does hurt
And of how love does sting

Of loss, he chirps,
And of bloodshed, of death
But it’s my love he sings of
With a final shuddering breath

I ended us today.
I never knew that you'd hurt me this way,
that you'd lie to me,
that you'd break my heart.
He said that you had a girlfriend.
But you said you loved me.
You said you wouldn't leave,
but here we are,
broken-hearted
with acid tears streaming
down our cheeks,
thoughts of death flitting through our heads.

...when I said that I was over you.

I just didn't want to be the one with the broken heart.

But that backfired didn't it?

Love Letters

My gestures could be love letters
With the way that they so blatantly
Call out for you

Sometimes I feel like I'm useless
like I'm dying
like I'm
            
              f
                    a
          ­              l
                          l
                     ­       i
                            n
                          ­   g
                                                               ­            down into an endless abyss that is housed in my mind.
But it's fine because I don't show that I'm falling apart;
I look like I am fine.
The truth is, however, I'm crying behind my laughter,
dying behind my smile.
I'm slowly fading,
disintegrating,
blowing away in the harsh winds
that whistle throughout
my empty mind.

"Why can't you be normal?"

"Why can't you feel emotions like every other human being?"

"Why do you have to be so sensitive?"

"Why did you say that?"

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Why can't you just. Be. Normal?"

What happens when you’re dying, and
you still have tasks that you need to complete? You fight harder to live.
You fight for your friends, your family, your love.
You fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.
You fight for the helpless.
You fight for the joyless.
You fight for those who don’t know how to fight.
You fight for yourself.
How does one fight for oneself?
You carry on, no matter what happens, no matter
what you do.
You must carry on.
Ultimately you die fighting for something too
far out of your reach.
You die searching for the one you love
or doing the things that you enjoy.
You die content, or you die incomplete.

Ephemeral (adj). Lasting for a very short time.

Ephemeral (adj). His love for me; my love for myself.

Ephemeral (adj). The summers of my mind.

Ephemeral (adj). The amount of time I had with him.

Oblivion (n). The state of being unaware of what is happening around you.

Oblivion (n). The state that I live in.

Oblivion (n). The state that I entered when with him.

Oblivion (n). When I can't seem to get out of my head.