we come out of the night that leaves us blinded,
crawling on our hands and knees,
searching for an effective escape.

it’s all black on black, a dream in a dream.
we fall into the trap, we’re pulled into the chain.
our hearts put up a facade.

racing towards an undefined finish line,
we’ll find our passion and our purpose,
we’ll become the real ones.

so much is clouded in our thoughts.
diving into unknown territory, waters so deep.
how do we know this is our mission?

are we who we present ourselves as?

do we fit into the mold?

(I will open my eyes, find my seventh sense,
and breathe)

spinning colours.
flashing lights.
pounding music.
rooms too bright.

tucked away amidst the dawn,
he took a drag on Mary Jane,
coating her in liquor rain,
as he thought of thought of lustful times forgone.

he sat the pill right on his tongue,
and watched it melt away.
he closed his eyes and swallowed vulgarly,
for there was no time to be a saint this day.

he hid within an acid storm.
and his promises were holy,
when he watched the load drip down slowly.
for the psychedelic pleasure held him warm.

some days I sit back
and wonder what it feels like to be small.
I dream of looking up to meet his gaze,
instead of him being the one to do so.
I crave the sensation of my head
burying into his chest,
feeling so secure.
But instead I settle for my chin resting
on his shoulder.
It pains me when they don’t look down to me,
when instead they’re meeting my eyes
or worse, looking up to me.

I don’t mind my tummy or my thighs that touch.
My round cheeks and hips don’t bother me.
It’s only my tall height that gets me down,
that makes me feel so self-conscious.
I’ve cried and cried and cried,
prayed and prayed and prayed,
that some day I’ll wake up in a new body.
A smaller body, one just four inches shorter.
So I can hear his heartbeat drum in my ear,
so I can look up to meet his gaze.
So that I can feel secure and not uncomfortable.
Maybe one day I can accept,
but for now I just want to feel small.

I have learned:

1. your past does not define you. yesterday’s mistakes are not today’s. we can always be better.

2. be humble. do not boast in how you look or how you dress. do not brag in your talents or your skills. you can be proud, but do not become prideful. always stay kind.

3. do not let someone else define your worth, talent or value because of what they do or do not give you.

4. be patient. all good things come in time and never stop working hard in what you’re striving to achieve.

5. words and music connect us. don’t ever stop telling stories, always keep writing, always keep sharing.

6. love your friends and family hard. appreciate them everyday and never give up on them.

7. you are cherished even if you feel like you’re not seen. when you don’t think your parts matter, widen your perspective and look at the bigger picture. they can’t make it happen without you.

8. you are more than just a body or face. your heart and soul is more beautiful than any outward appearance could ever be. don’t let first impresses be limited to only physical.

9. it’s okay to show affection to those that you love. let them know how you feel, and don’t be afraid to love big.

10. hard work and determination always pay off, even if it takes a while. you will get to where you’re going if you’re diligent and passionate. don’t wait to follow your dreams.

11. laugh loud. don’t worry about what others may think of you, happiness isn’t to be confined, you’re meant to express it.

12. let yourself be loved by others. you can’t give until you’ve been filled, always let others pour into you with adorations and affections so you can do the same.

13. don’t let people look down on you because you are young, don’t let them limit your potential because of your age. your young age does mean you’re any less talented, wise or valued than those older than you.

14. be confident in who you are. there is no one else on Earth like you, be proud of the progress you’ve made.

15. being quiet is okay, being reserved does not mean you’re lacking anything. there is beauty in the silence.

16. always express yourself. express your feelings and your love. don’t repress them.

17. don’t let a set back keep you down forever. rest, recover and jump right back where you left off. work hard, practice hard.

18. love yourself and love your friends more. never stop learning and always keep growing.

the water lapped about my waist,
the coolness stung my skin.
I sat upright on the shore, eyes closed,
my body taking in the feeling.

I felt the sand seep around me,
stick to my limbs and cling to me.
I focused on my breathing and my heartbeat,
I listened closely to the noise that surrounded.

I heard the waves hit the bank,
I flinched at the occasional siren, and prayed for the safety of those it aided.
I counted car horns and footsteps.
I tuned out any voice in my head.

Becoming one with the river,
forming as one into the earth,
I sat still on the banks of the water,
in a city where the river ran through it.

am I a drag, a bore?
what do I even try for?
all my hopes and dreams of loving,
have hit a snag.

his eyes
they’re calling me
lost in a grey-blue sea
pray they tell no lies

i fall
before him on my knees
begging pretty please
answer my call

loving you
every single day
when you throw your belt away
is all I do

the sound
of the buckle on the floor
makes me wish for more
of this love so profound

I know
you’ll waste no time
in this paradigm
to set our tempo

to love is to be afraid.
afraid of forever.
because forever is eternity.
and eternity creates disquiet.
but with you it seems at ease,
this notion on loving incessantly.
almost like the concept of time is nonexistent,
that with you it does not grieve.
my heart be disposed, pray.
that I may love you.
and give you everything.
everything.
a list of firsts and lasts.
comfortably and effortlessly,
so it seems it was painted without a fault.
stars aligned just perfectly,
hearts in sync as one.
that I may love you selflessly,
without fear of failure,
or the concept of an unworthy mind.

I’ve more love for you than the galaxy has stars, the place where heaven must lie. a vast eternity of beauty so unfathomable, only a fraction of souls seem to accept that one cannot understand it.

likewise, you will never know just how much I love you. everything that makes you who you are makes me love you more. my love is as infinite as the universe, it goes as far as the east is from the west, forever.

the dust of the stars are in your eyes, reflecting worlds you yearn for and of places so unearthly, so unimaginable. the longer I contemplate on my soul’s adoration for you, the only result I receive is a plethora of renewed love. a commitment to love you beyond the stars, push beyond the boundaries of what one can comprehend and give unconditionally.

because my love for you is as timeless as infinity and it outnumbers the stars. and the universe is but a mere speck in comparison to all the love I have for you.

your might is like a river
your unfailing power flows
readied arrows in the quiver
but it’s mercy you bestow
you don’t relish in the flesh
rather it’s delighting in the heart
for my life in turn be blessed
is the reason you take part
your love is what admires
my humbly surrendered name
what your soul desires
is your compassion made my fame
and it’s your conceit you abdicate
to transpose my wayward state

Yo hago todo si me dices por favor
because I can’t resist the way you say it mi amor

it’s dripping from my lips
running down, as I look up at you
meeting your lion eyes
I push it down further,
feeling your warmth captivate me
I close my eyes
taking you in in every single way
abuse my innocence
I surrender my frame,
so play me like your game
making your own rules as you go
you are who I submit my name
walking into your room,
the color in our eyes blurring with lust
the stares of a king
looking at his gold
overflowing with a treasure unknown
spread before him, helpless
pleading for a form of mercy
and sweet, sweet release
this fire it churns deep inside,
burning up all through my spine
dry tears they fall down
and from my head slips my crown
your precious little treasure
bought with silver and gold,
I promise to be on my knees
bowing before your power
listening to every order given to me

I have the honor to be
your obedient servant

each night I can’t help but think about you,
imagining you’re next to me lulls me right to sleep.
I pray for the warmth that I can only conjure up in my mind.
the darkness lasts too long without you,
and suddenly I’m four years old again,
with creatures lurking in the shadows and monsters under my bed.
then I’m yearning for your touch to bring me calm,
settle me down and ease my anxious heart.
I can’t help but want you next to me,
I have space next to me for you to lay your head.
so, until the day comes that you’re here,
I will silently wish for you all over again.

I want to know what your hair looks like in the morning, see it’s natural state of being.
see it for what it usually is, minus the blondes and blues I want to see what’s truly you.
rustled from the bed sheets, twisted in a million different directions, lose strands framing your face.

I’m curious to what your hair is like in the morning.
what it looks like in its comfort, un-staged and not dolled up to perfection.
I want to see how it falls freely, it’s assigned color shining proudly after being dipped in dyes,
curled and straightened and braided and parted.

I want to see it done by the night, styled by the pillows and the position in which you slept.
I want to see how rest and peace paint you in all your morning glory.

i love to read what you write me
seeing how your mind works,
figuring out your style.
it's a pure form of beauty,
learning how you think and
articulate your emotions,
and how you express the thoughts you have.
i'll never grow tired of your mind,
for how can something so beautiful ever be mundane?

this summer has been for insomnia.
nights where sleep cannot plague me,
and only music fills my ears.
at least I have found my company,
people to keep me at ease while I lay awake.
they see the sun, while I see the moon.
an ocean apart, one sunrise ahead of me.
it seems surreal that when I lay my head to rest,
they’re busy-ing themselves with a day.
though I’m happy they keep me company,
I’m grateful they bring a form of peace.
in their voice is familiarity.
their words can soothe me, because I know their voices so well.
their calming features helps my stiff muscles relax,
their sweet lullabies rock my gently.
insomnia is disheartening,
but it’s bearable when you have their company.

his love stretch’d down from heaven above
with my peace derived from his affection
once astray now brought to life
lost in an untamed sea, but
o, what joy - o, what joy
he found me

I left my heart back in Kiev,
found my soul in South Korea.
I dreamed of the northern lights,
and saw a shooting star in Paris.

I lost my virginity in Ibiza,
drank too much up in Dublin.
I ran in the streets of Ljubljana,
and drove with windows down in Sydney.

he touched me
and my knees felt weak
my mind went blank
and I didn't know how to speak

one month down
forever to go
one kiss felt
millions to come
one moan out
a thousand more to sound
one touch placed
an infinite amount to feel

I never want to live without you
if you ever stray from me
please just take my breath away
empty lungs hurt less than a broken heart

the stature of a tree
deeply rooted in the softness of the ground
intertwined and entangled in nature
driven by an unexplainable instinct
to bear down in a soil damp with rain
roots dug further to earths core
a satisfaction of nature’s fulfillment
an act defined by a drive all know
blossoms bloom and erupt in beauty
and the breeze sweeps through the branches
as a breathless, tired earth breathes
the ground wraps around the tree
clinging in love and protection
two beings now made one in one act to be whole

would he love a girl decorated in tattoos,
even if his skin was pale and clear as snow?
I wonder if he maybe would be repulsed by the idea of art displayed on the curves of my given canvas, that maybe to him it’s a pitfall.
could he look past my painted temple,
perhaps even learn to cherish the pieces I adore?
I hope and pray, that someday, he’ll even love them too.

I found you and fell instantly.
you pulled me under, an undertow in the ocean.
you washed me in your unrelentingly charm.
seductive eyes. luring hands. tempting lips.
head tilted back, mouth ajar with a heavy sigh, eyes still locked and trained on mine.
you reach your own victory,
and it’s even in your name.

I’ll start acting like a lady,
no more misbehaving,
I promise that I’ll change me.
no more of what we’ve been up to.
I’ll leave it all up to you,
no more of what we used to do.

I hear him every night in my dreams
whispering words I don’t understand
the way his sentence rolls off his tongue
leaves me translating his body language
because it’s the only language we know to speak

you are the sculpture
sculpted from purity and clay
your edges, gilded and refined
rough spots smoothed away with patience
a loving-kindness molding your temple of modesty
I make my declaration of loyalty
a vow to love your ever changing frame
your body crafted by empires of dirt and grace
life breathed to your lungs by righteousness
what once was stone is now a alive
with color lighting your babe-like skin
you stand with liberation
because paralyzing stone makes you no more

you are the morning song sung by the birds of the air, and the chimes of the gentle beasts of the ground.
you are the bubbling of the stream that winds through the trees, and the mighty white-capped waves of the sea.
you are ethereal forbearance, and you lavish a merciful grace upheld by the truth that you are not entirely perfect.
you are the stars and the rolling thunder, with humble sounds of triumph and whispers.
your love is deeper than all of the oceans, it’s higher than any mountain.
and I’m falling further into your love that won’t leave me on my own.
it’s a love that holds on and will not let go.

I want to feel desired
once again
I want that feeling of yearning
for my heart and my body
for it is not a crime that I crave your affection
your skin upon my own
something once given so openly
but now seemingly vanished
I want to hear “I want you”
and for me to know just what you mean
I’m patiently waiting for you
to come back to me
to desire me once more

I used to write poetry.
write about feelings I’d never known before.
but now that I experience them,
the emotions once foreign to me,
I realize they’re nothing like I imagined.

I thought my heart would pour words onto paper,
overflowing with an uncontrollable joy.
but instead it’s soft and steady.
a warmth that radiates calmly across my chest.
it’s simple and it’s comfortable.

now that I know what this feels like,
it’s as if I’ve lost my vocabulary,
forgotten how to write.
because the only thing on my mind
is this feeling you give me.

one I’ve never known before.

you looked, but did not follow
and I think that broke my heart more

I can’t bring myself to get out of bed
my aching soul just wants you near
the tiredness of my eyes craves your warmth
so finally they can close with a sense of safety
the burden on my heart is too heavy to bear
I lug it with me everywhere I go
I tell myself that a happy heart still breaks,
and joy still has pain
but even through it I can never rid it
so please forgive me
I am feeling an unimaginable sense of grief

you remind me of him...
just your mannerisms in my mind.
instead of seeing you I see him,
it frightens me to no end.
I can hear his voice inside my head...
it echoes through my ears,
the voice in my head,
how much must I beg,

to rid it from my mind.

I’m always afraid
afraid of losing my heart
and my heart is you

slow mornings,
soft lights.
easy touches,
sleepless nights.
steady breaths,
messy hair.
heavy eyelids,
cool air.
side-ways smiles,
delicate skin.
hushed voices,
my morning sin.

I saw your beauty,
and I could not breathe.
speechless, breathless, helpless—
air suctioned right from my lungs,
dry and barren, only my eyes were alive.
I relish in the sight before me,
worshipping with sinful habits.
I fell to my knees,
peering up through my lashes to meet your gaze.
my mouth watered and my body trembled,
begging with my eyes to have my wish granted.
you knew all that I wanted,
and all I wanted you gave to me.

I fell asleep listening to your breathing
it sounded like music in my ears
the way your chest rose and fell
the sound of your inhale, exhale
rocked me fast to sleep

in a crowded room,
why won’t you say you love me?
are you too ashamed?

I don’t want your memory to fade
I don’t want to be left bleeding
if you ever walk away, I would break
the colors I see would be shades of grey
a sledgehammer to my heart,
brute and burning
a fear of a door slammed shut
and I left on my knees drowning in my sorrow
my heaven turned to hell the moment you left
I don’t want our love to be a battlefield

you remind me that there are no monsters under my bed, no voices in my head and nothing that can ever harm me,
when I’m with you.