have I become mundane?
are my “I love you’s” monotonous?
am I just a hopeless case?
I try to have an optimistic outlook
but as days pass, everything comes up empty
and I don’t know how the hell to do this
I’m making it up as I go and nothing works
and I pretend to know what I’m doing
but in reality I’m flying blinded

I’ve no one to share
the joy that is in my heart
no one will listen

the creator of the horse.
the goddess of the sea.
the master of winds.
the commander of the breeze.
offspring of Epona, gilded and refined,
to protect the majesty of the divine.

will you pursue me,
chase me in a loving way,
and show you want me?

I want to know every inch so well
remember every groove of your skin
I want to learn all there is to know
so teach me the ways of your body
let me love you in every single way

won’t you fight for me
when my heart calls out to you,
or will you ignore?

I was never one to listen to love songs,
I never had a reason to.
but the moment I laid eyes on you,
I longed to take in the lyrics in the dark,
with my fluttering heart and a great-big smile plastered on my face.
you made me a sappy school girl,
foolish and in love.
giddy and full of day dreams.
you made my summertime filled with sunshine,
your smile lit up the room,
and I wish we could both say “I do.”

can we dream about the future,
without living in the now?
can we please just fantasize,
about what we want to be,
instead of where we are,
will you dream with me?

there’s a strange haze that settles in my chest
between my ribs and deep in my heart
lies an enigmatic pile of debris
my finger can not pinpoint the culprit
I debate whether it’s shame shoved in a body
or a tainted memory from years past
all I know is it troubles me
leaves me suspecting the state of my confidence
from where does my dilemma stem?
maybe an action from the ***** of uncertainty
a cocktail of apprehension and regret
bottled up and serving two
no sense is made of the mixture
it leaves a bitter and sour taste on my tongue
and an aftertaste of humiliation

I erased all the words about him
yes, removed completely from my works
because shame is all I feel when I look back
a guilt so heavy and repressed
so quieted and tucked away
I pledge to myself I must never mention it
and vow to try and rid the wicked from my mind
mistakes I’ve made and made again
sorrows so burdensome that I not even look
that myself, so ignorant and blind
dare toss away a future for a moment
I shudder at my folly
I wonder why I was so blind then
so swept up in a great faux pas
how naive I was! how childlike and gullible
this I must confess

she was a snake,
discarded and diseased.
she crept into my mind,
wrapped herself around my being,
and suffocated me.

her coils embedded into my independence.
her poison polluted my blood.
she climbed up my throat and came from my mouth,
And soon she had me by the neck.

I gasped for my breath,
yet it had fled from me.
dry tears poured like a river,
and my mouth was filled with fear.

I pulled my arms to me tightly,
my body trembling with pain.
she now had me wrapped in her cruelty,
and like this I would stay.

when I fell in love on earth
I fell in love with heaven

why won’t you come find me,
when my eyes clearly search for you,
when you’re the only thing
I’ve been looking forward to?
why don’t you come find me?

never again,
not today,
will I ever let you stay.

I’ve caught the pattern,
I see the signs.
and I know it deep inside my mind.

I will not be your tool,
for you to use,
for you to bruise.

Not today,
never tomorrow.
Suffer alone through the sorrow.

all I ever do is run
because I seem to do more harm than good
would you even notice if I fell away?
kept on running with no plans to stay.
I’m no extraordinary universe,
no one can really see me.
I’m nothing more than an empty room,
filled with broken pieces that no one wants to see.

sometimes I don’t know
how I am to talk to you
and I’m filled with guilt

you give me a paradise of feeling,
a rushing blood flow,
pounding heartbeat,
a smile as wide as the oceans.

my love for you is from east to west,
never-ending and unceasing.
it is infinitely and limitlessly untamable.
no force can pry the adoration from my hands.

your eyes are my utopia.
they contain the universe,
the dust of the stars reside in their hue,
the galaxies circulate in your gaze.

I seem to never grow tired of you,
your essence calms the storms inside of me.
tonight I listen to your voice,
and I will overdose on euphoria.

you’re the breath that fills my lungs
and the fire inside my bones
you give reason to my woe
no matter how dark the night may seem
and you’re all that I need, all that I’ll need

when I awoke, my bed was empty,
and your warmth was not beside me.
I looked for you, you did not come.
my eyes searched for yours,
only to be left with a broken heart
when the door opened,
revealing an unfamiliar comfort.
o, let me receive you, come now.
fill this empty space in my bed,
plant a kiss upon my head.
take my hand, trace my skin.
outline my aching frame.
like a river, let thine love flow.
deny me not this truth.
love me, that’s all I ask of you.
riches we need not.
just the love in our hearts.
let this carry us through all of our days.

my greatest fear is your own mortality
the mere thought of your breath leaving this world
frightens me too much to fathom
I pace and yearn to know you’re safe and sound
abhorring the ease in which these burdens fill my space
an overwhelming longing for clarity occupies me
an my chest tightens with horror every passing second
an unexplainable terror making home in a bed of lies
it knows that I need you to sleep
I toss and turn, unable to stay still
until I know that you have your breath
the light fades to a dark distress, deep anxiety flooding me
anguish cradles me with lullabies of deceit
and all I can do is lay as my hands cover my ears
but external sounds blocked do not block whispers inside my mind
all I see is a collection of neurosis
my own inquietude steals my breath like a thief
I lie awake and shake with dread and trepidation
until finally I’m on my knees looking above me
“please, let him have his breath” I cry vanquished
“all I ask is you keep him shielded from all harm”
I hope that you still have breath
that you inhale, exhale a breathe of peace

so please just tell me that you love me
even if you don’t really mean it
just trick my heart into believing you
say it so that I may rest, tonight

I:

need,
want,
miss,
love,

you.

I trust you will take care of me
for as long as we both shall live
during days of rain and darkness
I know you'll be my light
your warmth will envelope me
your skin shall find my own
with every whisper, every heartbeat
I'll give myself to you
I trust you with my life
that you'll cherish and protect me
I will follow you wherever you go
because you are my shelter and my shield
your love will be my guide
my medicine and my covering
I know full well you will take care of me
for as long as we both shall live

you feel distant
but at the same time so close
a thousand miles away
and also nose to nose
my heart feels like it’s breaking
but also as if it smiles
the daytime feels like darkness
yet the darkness feels like light

tonight I finally heard your voice.
the voice I’ve been curious about,
a sound I tried to create and imagine in my head, but none of my attempts compared to it.
it was more than I could’ve ever thought.
it was soft, it was smooth,
laced in control and humble superiority.
a voice my heart will sing for,
a song my mind will race because of.
I long to hear the chorus,
I yearn for it to be more,
but I will take what I can get.
I pray to listen to that voice a multitude more.
maybe in the future, I wish for you to sing for me.

I long to feel your warm skin envelope me,
I crave to breathe in your scent and feel at home.
chills arise on my body at the thought of your arms pulling me close to you,

my chest aches when I think of it...

I shudder at your voice mumbling a vast “I love you”, it sets my soul on fire, it also ices my heart.
It’s a fickle feeling, this one about you.

You’re a first love, though not mine, you are to many. I like to pretend you’re mine.
Your very essence provides shelter and escape for a plethora of souls, mine being one,

and it is not right...

I know this full well,
I struggle day in and out,
to find my worth in myself and the one above,
but my fleshly blood wants you.

I shouldn’t,
and I can’t.
Praise God that I can’t have you,
or else my soul would be sold to you.

my heart breaks for what breaks yours
everything I am falls apart with you
let me be your refuge and your strength
I will give you all of me for all my days
so long as you trust me with your heart

all I know is that I love with a love that is different
giving all, taking none
yet sometimes everything feels a little twisted
I find myself selfishly needing the validation
the validation I usually on speak towards another
I crave the feeling of deep connection
on levels beyond the physical
please give the affirmation I silently scream for
don't you see that all my dependence stems from words I don't hear?
I nag at your mouth to try to understand the whispers
I hate that I need it but its all I've needed

all I feel is alone
dark is the only thing crashing through
I want to be found
I need someone to carry me
because I am all alone

we stared into the sunset,
an endless, never-ending sea of possibility.
thoughts roamed our minds,
each filled to the brim with a familiar yearning.
the kind that settles between our ribs,
and tugs at our souls.
it pulls us close, close, closer.
until our heartbeats melt together,
pump in a single steady flow.
we breathe in the same rhythm and time,
because from now until forever,
we will be completely intertwined.
we make each other whole.
connection stings in our bones,
we are deeply connected,
more than just body to body,
it’s soul to soul.
our love runs oceans deep.

my hurting heart loves both sides
all the little children each opinion carries
I long to love them all individually
heal their brokenness at every checkpoint
for a belief is not a label
and a war is not a home
come, let us reason together
let every tongue and tribe make peace
all as one can we fellowship at the table
share our minds and hear the other’s
please, the time has come for peace
too many years of opposition,
too much bloodshed and violence
how many lives is liberation worth?
the freedom of all people,
the hope of all nations.
let peace start in the rising generations,
to ensure that peace will last.

I see chocolate,
in your eyes and in your hair.

I taste the cocoa on your lips,
and trace my fingers down to your hips.

you’re intoxicating, you’ve left me tipsy.
a winsome smile painted ear to ear.

the way you stood so tall and proud,
shining more light than the night allowed,
left me breathless.

your coffee-coloured features awoke me,
giving me my strength and energy.
and your tranquil gaze swept me off my feet.

your alluring charm is irresistible.
something one may say is fictional,
but to me you’re completely real.

our love is more than lust
you hold me gently and don’t let go
we have something special
something most don’t
we live a dream of a kingdom filled with gold
and a gift I give is reserved for you
so be careful with my precious delicacy
don’t break me
please don’t scar my heart
be careful with me
love me tenderly, don’t be rough
I beg of you with earnest
just be there when I need you
you’re all I need
I know that you love me so
it’s evident
all this time I knew full well
and I believe
all I have is what I’ll give
for exchange of your voice
you are all I know to love
this is all I know to know
no one ever taught me
the ways that are not you
all my love is all for you
you are my brightest light
my star
the universe is in your eyes
with dust of galaxies
I love your gentle gaze you bestow on me
and I’ll always look to you
eyes wet from tears
I’ll see you and be cured
all this time it was you
the source of healing
you take my pain
and you make it all go away

medicine doesn't always come in the form of a capsule, powder or bitter tasting liquid. medicine isn't always hard to swallow or a pain to refill at the pharmacy, nor is it made by a chemist wearing a white coat and goggles. sometimes medicine is a heartfelt laugh from the person you love. it's a gentle whisper that everything is okay, a squeeze of the hand bringing reassurance and calm. medicine is a smile with eyes turned up in a grin. it's an hour of time spent in the park with kisses and conversation. it doesn't come with annoying side-effects of pounding headaches and dizziness with fatigue. instead it reaps results: healing of mind, body and soul.

God knew my heart needed you
for a time such as this
to be my rock and my protector
my safe place and the source of my smiles
to give me hugs when I’m cold
to kiss my mouth when I’m speechless
to hold my hand when I’m unsteady
and He let me find comfort in your warmth

ever since I met you
all my words fall freely
your affection is my encouragement
inspiring me to transcribe
these emotions so fresh
your smiles moves my hand across paper
your laughter flows like ink
because the man I love holds my words
and he makes sense of them all

hair like honey,
eyes like diamonds.

skin like porcelain,
smile like the sun.

kisses in slow motion,
breathe me in quietly.
pull me close to your skin,
hold me warm and tight.
let your love flood my senses,
and overload my mind with affection.
feel my body pressed close,
wrap your arms around my waist,
under the covers.

I crave your voice in the darkest night
and your gentleness comes running to me
the very second I call out to you
you’ve taught me what safe feels like
and you healed my broken soul
I didn’t know what love was until I met you
your love gives me wings
I fly above the cloudy skies I couldn’t conquer
but now I don’t worry anymore
you’ve given me a lifetime in our short days
and I hope our days feel shorter
as we live our forever together
from now on I promise to scream it loud
scream to the world I love you
I’m not blind to this feeling like I once was
I embrace the love we have
and I always will love you

I got lucky when I stumbled upon you.
some call it fate, some even destiny,
but for me I call it chance.
though I know you now, the thought that I could’ve looked over you, chosen someone else, terrifies me.
to think I wouldn’t know your voice, your laughter, that I would have traded it for somebody different, is a concept I wish to not know.
I’m fortune to love you, adore you, support you.
I took a leap of faith when I decided on you,
it could’ve been anyone else,
out of billions of souls it could’ve been another,
but instead the stars aligned us,
us and only us.
to love, to live, to lead.
to give, to be, to receive.
for this fact I am forever and eternally grateful,
to have found you that one afternoon,
and to take a chance and choose to pursue

is silence stronger
than words that end up empty
or do you hear them?

you sing the language of my heart, o, songs so sweet, too lavish to name. it is true that pure and just souls are the only ones with ears to hear the melody sung by you. no other tainted, conceited heart is equipped to understand the tongue you speak. an ode of love so powerful that those that are wicked in nature condemn the song they choose by action not to hear. O, sweet and utter fools! my tender spirit breaks for the judgment they bestow on you,  for what do they know since they cannot hear the melody? their preconceived notion‘s are their faults and blindness, they are deaf to your song of love. and again I say what do they know? since they chose not to acquire the language of true and everlasting love. and it is to be said, those who do not hear are ignorant in love, and not by bliss, but by stupidity.

you broke my heart when you mentioned ways for one to **** themselves,
because things you described hit home.
they resonated with me and what I’ve dealt with.
I’ve lost two friends, two beautiful souls to the horrific and morbid things you said was a “joke”.
I felt tears well in my eyes but I had to keep them in so I wasn’t weak.

I miss my friends.

You completely belittled the things they did to themselves.
You called their methods “weak” and them a “*****” for not doing it in a more public and dramatic fashion.
In that moment you were “joking”.
But it wasn’t a joke to me.

Suicide is not a joke to me because my friends are gone because of it.

today I kissed you.
over and over again.
I hope you didn’t mind it,
I just couldn’t help but crave it,
after the first time.
your lips against my own felt so normal.
it felt like my own were molded to fit yours,
I wonder if you thought the same.
it was your first kiss,
you said you didn’t expect it,
and I’m sorry I was impatient,
but you looked so beautiful, so tempting.
my lips still burn with the desire you left on them,
every time I think about it my heart races.
and it’s only one kiss into forever.

dance with me.

take my hand in your own.

spin me slowly in the light of the moon.

pull me close to you.

hold me here, right here.

whisper in my ear that you love me.

let your fingertips wander across my skin.

light a fire in my bones.

make my lips go numb with your taste.

focus on me, keep your eyes focused on me.

insecurity gets the best of me.
even when I don’t mean for it to.
a fear of becoming bothersome
with these afflictions I try to suppress.
I suffer restlessly with these sentiments,
earnestly craving a silence from the voices
that resound persistently in my head.
I struggle with the irons wrapped around me,
screaming routinely that it’s all a facade.
no matter how hard I try, how far I run,
the thoughts are always ahead of me.
always one step in front, beckoning me.
enticing me to welcome their embrace.
an embrace of sorrow, of lies and of pain.
a place of immeasurable uncertainty.
blanketed by a face of calm.

my eyes shot open and terror gripped my bones
I breathed heavily through my nose, eyes scanning my dark room.
with my chest heaving, my fingers fumbled for my phone;
with a click the brightness illuminated my face
quickly, I found your name but I hesitated,
fearful of disturbing you, bogging you down with my own horror.
but I had no other choice. at that time you were my only source of calm.
the dial rung one, two, three times and when you answered I felt relief.
hearing your voice my breath at last evened,
and my heart slowed.
you comforted me whispering I was okay and you were right there.
the gentleness found in your essence, I relaxed.
your quiet presence held me closely under the bend of tired vocal cords.
without any question you decided to stay with me
and as if I had come and crawled in beside you in your bed,
you planted a kiss on my head and wrapped me in your warm embrace.
soothing me you surfaced the calm within me
and there was no maybe in your commitment to stay.
hushing, quieting, lulling and rocking me to sleep
I felt your protection, I knew I was safe,
and the safety in your arms will never disappear.