I don't know what happened
It's like all of a sudden I stopped feeling guilty

I also stopped feeling happiness and joy and love
Every "good" feeling had left me

Therefore I only obtain those "bad" feelings
And these grew bigger
Due to the filling of the vacant space
That once belonged to the good

Hatred, anger, hostility, rage, violence, and vengeance comprised me
In this state I exist
In this state I ****
The only thing left
To rid the world of such an awful creature
I just hope that when I do I can feel some sort of relief
Some sort of good

It was a Wall I must've built
in one of those days I was not free
and they kept me under lock and key

A Wall so hard and thick
not even a hammer could puncture it
A Wall so high and deep
where it touched the sea beneath
and rose to Everest's Peak

many times I cannot bring myself to see it
or even just to think it:
that one day it might crumble down
and I can see its protected Crown

yet I still avoid it all the time
for it was where I drew the line
on that day so long ago
where all these thoughts were my Foes

**** the slaves
Face the master
**** him too
And face disaster

Escape the hounds
But not the pastor
Who hung your mom
Up in the rafters

Safety ahead
Run ever faster
They think they've won
Hear their laughter

But there is a secret
Where the pale trees gather:
For it is the place
Where all humans shatter

It's actually back
It's that pit in my stomach
Lump in my throat
Weight on shoulders kind of feel
And I know what it leads to
I've been down this road too many times not to
There's never a going back from this point
I must ride it to the end
But this will be the last
I will not do this again
This is the last time
For better, but most likely, for worse

For this day
I cannot say
If I was sad
Or I was glad
I had anger
And I was a stranger
To my former self
I lost myself
Who am I?
But a monster in your eye

It's so bad again
It's getting so bad again
I can guess but I can't see
I am so fearful of what is to come
But I can't tell a soul, no, I can't tell a soul

Why can't I?!?
I deserve that, just like everybody else
Don't I ?
Do I not?
Maybe I don't

Of course you don't look at yourself, look at the life you have lived

****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****.
Oh, ****.
I'm ******.
Everything's gone to ****
I can't even think straight.
Why now?
I have mid-terms tomorrow
And I can't even think straight
I am alone, so alone
It's all ****** now
And I am so, so alone

It was never about 'getting better'
No, I was way beyond that point
See there's a character, values, strengths, weaknesses, beliefs
That shape who we are, how we act, and how we respond

Getting better would mean I'd have to erase the past somehow
To make myself less broken, more oblivious, and happier
All of which I know to be impossible to reverse

Getting better, it's definition has changed so drastically
That it means not being the person
The person I've become
And I know I might have been more likable, fun, and hopeful
Maybe I seemed like a better person than I am now

But if you think I need to be fixed
If you think I still need to 'get better'
Than you don't have any right to be in my life
Because this is who I am now

You go through the motions
You laugh at people's jokes
You exchange a smile when needed
Hell, you might even feel a connection to someone
But you can't ever get close
That's the Golden Rule

You can listen to all they say and comfort them
But you, yourself, cannot be comforted
You've learnt the lesson and played the game
To make such rash decisions
Others first, never yourself

You are forever with accompanying, making you completely alone
You are a friend to all, making you the friend to none

My heart is filled with something else now
Not sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness
No, it is filled with the worst and strongest emotion
Hatred, anger, disgust
It's constant, it has never been this persistent
I am one of those people who bottle rage up
And take it out on themselves in privacy
Lose their cool only when locked away, alone
But now it is here and present

Electricity travels up my spin in a suffering manner
As the pain of such shock clamps my jaw shut,
Almost shattering my teeth from the pressure of it all
Then my head catches fire and my heart retracts up
Heat burns my palms so I clench my fists into punches
My short fingernails cut into my flesh, drawing blood
Stomach light as bile rises into my warm, closed throat
A scream tucked in my lungs fighting to leave my mouth
I see everything half-vision being that these eyes are rolling into my skull
Nostrils flared and forehead with eyebrows pulled down,
Staring at the dead person in front of me,
I'm telling you in advance,
Because it's times like these if you were to ask me if I could ****
The answer, most likely, will be yes

It's hollow inside
Surprised it hasn't died
Every breath echoes with the tide
Shattered from all the lies

Empty and lonely
But produces love madly
Pumps so slowly
This heart now feels coldly

The fear and panic of the final destruction
This heart was broken then weakly constructed
Life began with instruction
It is too sensitive, too weak, a failure to handle emotion

So I sit in the sky waiting for that moment
When my sins I must admit
But this heart is too late for atonement

It's hollow inside
Surprised it hasn't died
Shattered from those who lied
Every breath echoes, "Against the tide"

Empty, lonely, but producing love madly
Pumps so slowly
heart hardened, coldly

Its life began without instruction
This heart was broken then weakly constructed
The fear and panic, the final destruction

Waiting for that moment
That all sins will commit
a heart, too late for atonement

I miss her so much
She was the only person who made me feel important to someone
She acted like she cared
I felt like I was loved
It could've been an act
But I'd like to believe it was true
I'd like to believe a person loved me as much as I loved them

Someone once told me to stay alive from them
And it was never my family, it was never my friends
It was someone who was hired to keep me alive
She did a pretty good job
Even if she doesn’t care about me her acting convinced me enough
Because I can’t seem to succeed in dying

I have so much love within myself I know not what to do with it

I could love you
I would love you
Because I fall in love with everything that  is beautiful and strong and kind
I would love you with all my heart

But I only wish to be loved with just as much love that I give
Only, I expel my love to things that I cannot have
Things that don't want me
So many times I have talked to people that do not know of my heart
Yet to them I am just another face amongst the rest
A forgotten memory by the next year

I could love you more than anyone ever could
I would love you for all your flaws and all your gifts
Your dark side and light

But I have always felt alone in my love
As it is never returned
So I sit in the solitude of my dying heart
And my eyes grow dim
For the heart lights a candle to your soul
And your soul shines out of your eyes
This very thing allows me to see the Beautiful Ones

I have loved more people than I can count
I remember the beauty of their souls that shone through those eyes
I remember their faces, laughs, happiness, but especially their sadness
I remember my heart breaking each and every time
I remember growing up having to know the painful truth:
That I will never be loved the way I love others because who could ever love a person like me

I could love you
I would love you
And you could love me in the smallest amount
It would be enough
It would be enough if the sight of my love would show your smile
To not feel alone
For just a small while
To feel loved
To feel company
To feel important
To feel needed
To feel wanted
To feel the beauty of your soul light up in my heart
And maybe I might lighten yours with the love of a thousand lovers

For one to feel my love
For one to recognize the amount of love I have for them
That would be worth it all
Just for one, to feel it all
To feel my heart beat and I feel theirs
To know I am here
To know I am loved

I could love you
You could trust me
I could care for you
I could protect you
I could give you my heart
I could give you my life
I could love you with a love that has been here since the beginning of time

I could love you
I could be there for you
I could love you
I could love you

I will cry out again:
I could love you!

Through my frozen lungs it only leaks out a pathetic shout of pain
And no one ever seems to hear

I stopped taking the medicine because I want to return back to a place where I have the ability to take my life
Because even when I'm "doing fine"
I still would rather be dead

I feel so much pain from everything
I’ve lost all my friends
I can’t stand to be around my family
My past haunts me
My future ages me
My being disgusts me
My life has no point
All this pain could have been avoided if only I hadn’t of gone downstairs
If only I kept the pills down
If only
If only, then I would be happy
I’d be free
I would no longer be alone and in pain
The pain and the loneliness is killing me
It will **** me eventually

Darling, you are an innocent, kind, caring kid
Your soul not tainted with the dark, cruel world
And you have not experienced what horrific things man can do
How long your mind can get lost
I think this is why I cannot bear to leave your side

Because you are my breath of fresh air
My light in the dark
You lead me to hope
And you cause me to have something to live for

But most of all
Being with you when we're laughing and talking
I forget about the pain
Maybe for one second or even an hour
You are the only thing, the only one who shines light in my eyes
Where I can't be in the dark or have any fears
Where my sorrow is burnt up and the world is but the past
My thoughts quiet down and the world is beautiful again
The light warms my face and your laughter sings in the night
As a smile curves on my face and air is almost bursting from my lungs

When I'm with you the pain disappears
Love fills my heart which bursts out to you
As you illuminate my cruel, hating world
I see the world
I see the people
Through those glasses of your's
And I think maybe, just maybe happiness might not be extinct after all

You see all I am focused on now is destroying that thing in my life that is destroying me

Smash its head in and break its hands
Beat its brain until it can't stand

To burn, to make it break and bleed
To deprive it of food, water, and sleep

Destroy what destroys you

Too bad that thing is me

I'm sorry
I'm sorry mom for being such a burden and lying through my teeth
I'm sorry dad for not being more compassionate and stronger
I'm sorry for wasting your money to try and fix me
I'm sorry brother for not sticking around to see you do great things
I'm sorry sister for not spending more time with you when I could
I'm sorry for being weak and selfish
I'm sorry most of all to God because I'm such a poor sinner and a poor Christian
I'm sorry for wasting your time
And I'm sorry for portraying hope because, to tell you the truth,
I knew the whole time
I wouldn't be here much longer

I want to feel disappointed
I want to feel like I have failed
But the feeling I feel most often
Is feeling impervious to things that should bother me most

I know what I should feel
unease, disheartened, and anxious
But all I feel is placid, empty, and slightly annoyed

So I sit on my bed at 2 am and wait for something to fill me
Fear, determination, or irritation
so I can fill out the papers next to me
even with the knowledge of its utter importance
I still couldn't give a ****

I am in a constant haze
And try to convince myself it's just a phase
But it's just the same
As those days that make my name

My dreams feel like reality
And reality, as intense a dream can be
It's a lulling sadness hovering overhead
Like a giant thunder cloud, raining dread

And I hate my life for this and much more
Causing pain to this living corpse
Is the only way to survive longer
But even with this the darkness grows stronger

The world is dim
With these tattered limbs
And burned throat
Eyes, where tears coat
There is no sun
All life's light is done
This barren land
It lays at hand
In front of I
Elysium Field, open skies

Darkness:
Darkness was my pain
My rod, my staff, my cane
For darkness I became

Not for evil, power, or gain
Nor for lust of mighty reign
But because I held such disdain
For the things to which I am chained

From the sky it fell like rain
A dark and growing stain
Chilling my shredded veins
The source of all my shame

i try to set my mind aright
but thoughts and feelings,
know I'm wrong
for I sleep no more at night

too dumb to falter
too weak for help
reach to grasp
that which is never felt

and now i give this wisdom to you
for i am sure you think you know everything
that you know all that is under the sun
but hear me now

for was it not yesterday that you felt the same way
and was it not yesterday you then learned something new

you see:
the world is filled with mysteries that you don't already know
for i once believed the same
but now it comes to show
that knowledge is misconception
and in accepting that you're low
you become wise as King Solomon
and only then you grow

Dead
That’s how I am
That’s how I live
That’s how I know
Of the people who roam this ground
Who feel the same as I
All you do is look in their eyes
Then you will surly see
The distance
The dimness
Set there
And you will now know
Of the people
Who roam this ground
Dead