my mind thinks of 3 things
my relationship with my God
my relationship with my Jon
my countdown of days left in Sevilla

I feel strange today
a little bit
broken
sad
empty
I'm not really sure why
maybe I'm just a little homesick

homesick for a hug from my dad
homesick for singing in the car with my sister
homesick for having a place to take a deep breath
homesick for the country and dirt roads
homesick for southern accents
homesick for my mom's cooking
homesick for my regular life

just a little bit of normalcy

all the poets write about love
unfortunately I am one

my thoughts are not new
just different
because they’re of you

it’s supposed to be happy
fun, crazy, and a little sappy
but I’m always stuck
in places that ****

too early to know
if the friends are just for show
happens every single year
this day always brings fear

this time it’s harder
my real friends are farther
I want to be with mine
but it’s impossible this time

you are miles away
on my special day

the smell of you
on my skin
in the air around me
imprinted in my mind
I hope I don’t forget
the scent of you
holding me tight
still waiting here
for a warm smile
a soft caress
then a nighty night
to send me on my way
until tomorrow
with the smell of you
still on my skin

we
there’s a we now
but I’m not gonna
overthink it

wait
that’s what I do

sorry babe

you get to deal
with all this crazy

welcome to my world
where everything is big
I’m dramatic
every day

care for me anyway?

please, don't worry about me
but I'm actually glad you do
as a friend should be
I worry for you too

you've been so kind
pushy as always
but I don't mind
that's us nowadays

my stomach can’t help but do flips
whenever you kiss my lips
my heart can’t help but expand
whenever you hold my hand

two hands brush
finger tips touch
a smile shared
no longer scared

gal pal

if that’s what
I am to you
then we have
a problem
cause I don’t
think I want
to be only
a gal pal
I guess we can
keep it simple
dude
bro
buddy
pal
I’m not a fan
of your choice
of words
to describe me
but that’s what
I am to you
only a friend
a true buddy
a perfectly platonic

gal pal

good thing you were just a crush
so that I didn’t get attached
heart not invested
nothing like that at all

I can forget those thoughts
they weren’t a big deal
you just caught my attention
nothing deeper than that

except my chest still hurts
when I imagine you holding me
but I’m not invested
I can forget you easily

I’m just curious about her
what’s her name?
you smile when you see her
even from across the room

but, I’m only curious
just as a friend because
I’m not attached to you
no, nothing like that

I can be around you
and be totally fine
acting natural and friendly
remember, I’m not invested

your smile hits me hard
and that little laugh too
but I'll be okay because hey,
at least I’m not invested, right?

I’m not sure how you feel
I mean how could I at all
know what you’re thinking
when we rarely talk

I think your smile says more
than your words ever do
but then again that could just be me
reading into something too

when you’re around
I catch myself smile
because I like you near
even just for a while

you’re tall and kind
funny and smart
you have big plans
and a caring heart

I like your beard
and your dumb headband
the way you laugh
even the way you stand

I notice you often
every word you say
I want to be a part
of your day to day

a steal really
so much for so little
an amazing treasure
among lifeless others

chosen for its beauty
threads perfectly imperfect
worn and stretched
a comfort fit

holding a story unique
to a previous owner
taking it for my own
history in my hands

once home with me
it becomes new
beginning a fresh life
with a stolen history

you're like caffeine in my veins
the way you get to me
stop me in my tracks
make it hard to breathe

when I'm near you
I can't feel time pass
you make my eyelids close
and my heart beat fast

a moment with you
is like a single drip
of that strong coffee
that you love to sip

I need you closer
I'm getting addicted
this isn't healthy
look what you've inflicted

as I look at you
I enjoy my view
I can’t help but wonder
what you’re thinking

are you thinking of me
cause I want you to be
I think of you
far too often

who do you care for
is it me anymore
I can’t help but wonder
how you see me

The more I look at you
The more irritated i become
I’m not sure what to do
Your voice makes me numb

I have to get away
From your wicked exposure
Every single day
I feel you getting closer

The nearer you get
The faster I run
I break a sweat
Fleeing from your gun

Bullets that are pompous
Forged with distrust
I have to be so cautious
waiting for you to combust

I’ve got to save myself
I never have before
So this is a farewell
I’m walking out that door

my love is you,
my dear,

your smile is my light,

your eyes welcome my heart,

my love,
you've got me.

when I talk with our friends
I pretend like I know nothing
I remind myself that every thing ends
ours ended before the beginning

it hurts my heart
to act like I’m fine
we both play our part
cause you were never mine

they tell me of your new girl
I manage to smile and nod
but every word makes my toes curl
I’m getting good at my pleasant facade

I never told them about me and you
I guess that’s a good thing
you never wanted to tell them, this I knew
“think of the awkward it might bring”

every word they say
wrecks me over and over
they want to see you today
I won’t be able to hold my composure

this time around, I’m running
make up an excuse to leave
I hate who I’m becoming
so broken that I have to deceive

this situation is dumb
you and I shouldn’t have been
just look at the outcome
you put me in a tailspin

I’ve been staring at this page
thinking of how to write
that intimate scene in my head
the one from my dream

trying to describe the feeling
of his hand laid flat on my stomach
pulling me back against him
being closer than we are used to

his heart beats against my back
the same rhythm as the music
we move together as one
he guides my every step

he leans down next to my ear
his words are just warm breaths
on my neck, there’s no sound
just our bodies together

all of this was a dream
and I’m glad it was
because me and him don’t work
I don’t even want to try

I know this was him
but it wasn’t really him
it was dream him
I’m glad it wasn’t him

the road stretched out in front of me
not quite sure where it will lead
my hair blowing around my face
the horizon and I are in a race

the sun is setting to my right
I could drive all night
I'm escaping all the hurt
as my tires kick up dirt

my music drowns everything out
the lyrics come out as a shout
I'm all alone except for
the gliding hawk that leads me to more

I crave the freedom
of creating my own kingdom
far away from people
find a place that's peaceful

I can't tell if
my heart is racing
because of you...
or because of my
heart condition

you and I are not the same
but I would love to know your name
we live our lives differently
but there's no need for hostility

we may not be alike
but we both deserve paradise
we fight to be treated equally
even though that should be

basic human decency

stay with me forever please
don't ever turn away please
here I am begging you
stay with me
forever

please

quickly
come back to me
why do you turn away
how do I make you return
why must you always leave me

little baby girl or boy
you already bring me so much joy
I can't wait for you to get here
I'm waiting patiently my dear
I'm anxious to see your smile
yet I still have to wait a while
I'm excited to see who you'll be
I hope you're a little like me
my sweet niece or nephew
what will you grow up to do?
I pray that you will be strong
and know that sometimes you will be wrong
understand I'll always be here for you
you can talk to me whenever you want to
I'll give you unconditional love
like the kind you receive from above
right now, you're just a little baby
from now on, I'll love you daily
your mom and dad
are bound to make you mad
just know I'll be here
a phone call away when I'm not near
you can call me Aunt Boo
if that's what you want to do
call me that and I'll do the same
I promise to give you a silly nickname
"oh, the places you'll go"
I'll see you soon mi sobrino

At first a gentle kiss
That soon led to more
Distracted by the abyss
Not knowing what’s in store

Climbing over you
I melted into your lips
My body knew what to do
As your hands held my hips

For a second I pulled away
Looked into your eyes
Not knowing what to say
Your hands rested on my thighs

You were a pro
I, a young amateur
You helped me to let go
Through the warmth of the liquor

I’ll never forget
That blur of a night
I don’t even regret
Though I thought I might

a gorgeous flower
unnoticed
by the color blind man

forever passed over
undisturbed
like a single grain of sand

vivid color illuminates
uninterrupted
free from man's manipulating hand

temptation pulls at me
but what would people think
would they stare
maybe judge with their eyes

today I'm not sure if I care
I could give in
just once
how bad could it be

it calls out to me
begging me to come closer
I take a single step
then one more nearer

with a youthful smile
I crunch the grass
where the ice has been collected
skipping while snapping each blade

I run through the frozen field
enjoying every second
I don't care who judges