she is strong like no other
demanding to be heard when necessary
while at times listening with gentleness
oh how I admire her

she is brave like no other
standing up for herself
while defending those she loves
oh how I admire her

she is funny like no other
laughing at her own jokes
always keeping me entertained
oh how I admire her

she is smart like no other
learning about life constantly
always teaching with a passion
oh how I admire her

she is following like no other
listening for God’s call
then taking action with courage
oh how I admire her

she is a sister to none other
loving me unconditionally
then guiding me with care
oh how I admire her

a mystery to me
he is full of intrigue
what is his passion
what is his truth

what is his dream
what makes him beam
I want to know him
there’s so much to learn

I only know his name
boy does that seem lame
one of these days
I’ll introduce myself

but for now I’ll just think
running my pen out of ink
writing about my curiosity
about the boy that is a mystery

you say that I’m a liar
you think I never cared
you smile like nothing ever happened
you regret everything we shared

never confronting the problem
only hiding from reality
delusions you built in your head
destroying our sanctuary

but then it was never safe
your danger lingered daily
finally ruining everything
imploding because you are flaky

you run your mouth
and think I should care
but the truth is I don’t agree
and you are just a nightmare

I have learned to deny
every smile on your lips
because you mislead me
with all of your ***** tricks

you say that I’m the liar
but I know what’s right from wrong
I just want you to know
you’ve been the liar all along

All this time, we were weaving together
every thread of our lives
We had no idea that the bond
had become so strong
that when you pulled away

I was left unraveled

You are gone and I can’t
make you come fix me
I’ll have to stitch myself
back together again
Next time I won’t let
anyone pull me apart

the way you did

I think about calling you up
to hear your voice, low and soothing
hear your boisterous laugh
echo through the phone

I think about seeing you again
to smell your cologne
as your arms fully wrap
around my small shoulders

I think about your smile
as you tell me another story
your joy shines through
your smile is contagious

I think about the future
all of the possibilities
together, you and me
living life with each other

I think about your lips
what it would be like
to feel them on mine
for the very first time

I think about your hand
reaching out to grip mine
to connect us as we walk
a warm comfort on a chilly day

I think about you now
wishing I could talk to you
hoping you miss me too
wondering if I’m ever on your mind

repeat it over and over
“try”

what you don’t realize is that
I am trying
it may not look like it
but that’s cause I don’t know how

my trying is not good enough
but it’s all I got
so I guess I’m the only one
to blame for how I feel

I’m not good enough
I can’t do this
I’ve never been able to do this
only now has it become necessary
for survival

“you have to try Linsey”
oh ya thank you that helps
it just pushes it further
that I am trying but
I’m just failing

give me something
to hold onto
I need a crutch
even though it’s “unhealthy”

I think this,
this being alone all the time
through no fault but my own
is becoming my biggest enemy
becoming my death

Snuggled up and cozy
I wait for sleep to meet me
My mind begins to wander
This won’t end well
I can already tell

I think about my life
My every joy and strife
Then your face appears
Here come the tears

I think of our relationship
I wonder if this is just a blip
You confuse me daily
So every night I review
To try to understand you

The tears are here
Because I’m filled with fear
That nothing will be changed
That we will always be strained

Your voice echoes in my head
But tonight it only evokes dread
I am begging for sleep
But only to wake up to
Another day of suffering over you

In the mirror I see a person
Often I recognize the face
Often it’s something I can’t place
In the mirror I see a person

In the mirror I see a girl
She doesn’t know where she’ll go
She doesn’t know how she’ll grow
In the mirror I see a girl

In the mirror I see a teen
She looks scared
She seems unprepared
In the mirror I see a teen

In the mirror I see myself
I might seem unsure
But I’m hopeful for the future
In the mirror I see myself

I want to create something
beautiful and true
maybe from nothing
pulled from out of the blue

I can’t rhyme worth a flip
my words keep on trip…ing
so close yet so far
they won’t flow from the hear…t

this is one big joke
I’ll probably get chok…ed
everything sounds choppy
because my mind is all flip floppity

oh yeah this is the stuff
writing from the heart is rough
watch me rhyme your socks off
then your heart will get soft soft

I’m honestly killing this
I’m honestly feeling this
this is flowing nicely
just don’t think about the rhyming -_-

okie dokie glad this is done
enough of this fun
time to get serious
theres work to be done

Sick to my stomach
Thinking about you
Wide awake in bed
What more can I do

You invade my thoughts
You crash into my heart
Wreck my sleeping patterns
Tear my mind apart

Whispers echo through the empty halls.
As I wander to my door, I hear your voice in every foot step.
Your laughter fills my mind as I stand looking in the mirror.
Are you laughing with me or at me?
Your sweet words bounce between my head and heart.
As I lay down tonight, a tear slides down my cheek and into my hairline because after all this, I can still hear the words that hurt me.
As my eyes drift close, your name repeats as the only thing I can hear.

"Goodnight ___"

It just doesn't make sense,
I'm sorry.
How I can miss you so much,
makes me worry.

Speak with you daily,
I can only hope.
Feeling that pull on me,
like a thick heavy rope.

This shouldn't have began,
it causes fear.
That strong desire,
I want you here.

My heart starts skipping,
this could be a mistake.
Let's see where this goes,
at least for my sake.

I don’t feel too much,
of anything really.

I’m not really sad,
haven’t cried in a while.

I’m not really happy,
never getting excited.

Body and mind just living,
zoned out not focusing.

A human surviving,
but never enjoying life.

Not quite numb,
not yet anyways.

I don’t want that point to come,
but what can I do?

the anticipation is ridiculous
I don’t even know why I’m anxious
I want to see you so bad
hug you and touch you

is it okay to hug you?
is it alright to touch you?
do I need to hide my smiles?
I don’t know how to act around you

the last time we saw each other in person
we hugged and you kissed me
we both know it’s nothing
but hearing you say it

over
and
over

do you really dislike me?
do you really have regrets?
its okay if you do
but we don’t have to talk about it

again
and
again

I’ll admit
I’m nervous
how will we act?
how will you act?

ugh I am so nervous
about seeing you
standing right in front of me
smiling like you do

empty
tired but wide awake
tears leak down my cheeks
but don’t have the energy to cry

lonely
flooding my mind
getting pulled into this pit
of everlasting discontentment

sad
warm behind my eyes
not about anything specific
but about everything at once

done
physically pained
mentally exhausted
tired of this ongoing battle

lost

where am I?
I’m here

lost

I can’t see myself
there’s no more reflection

where am I going?
I’m still right here

lost

lost

only I can find me
I don’t want to be lost anymore

I am here

missing something important to me
when I close my eyes
my mind fools me into thinking
that its you

my heart longs for the company
it longs for the happiness
is that even a possibility anymore
its not you

face downcast
dreaming of loving every
minute we are together
it was never you

show me someone else
all I need is a friend
I have accepted that
I miss the presence


but not you

“Merry Christmas,
I guess.”

Christmas spirit fills the room
but not the heart
of the solemn girl in the corner

Joyous smiles try
to “cheer” up the
young scrooge

The only thing that
will “cheer” this
little grinch

Is the thought that
those smiles of distant relatives
will soon be on their way home

She doesn’t hate Christmas
just the anxiety that
comes with entertaining relatives

As the last family member
steps out onto the porch
she finally smiles

“Merry Christmas!”

I want to write
I want to write so badly
I feel millions of things  
swirling around inside my head

pick one
pick one thought
to express in words
it doesn’t even have to make sense

I’m frustrated with myself
for not being able
to articulate directly
how my mind is distressed

I’m tired
I’m tired of this
all of this ****
blended together messily

Screaming
Yelling
constantly
a steady stream
of a scratchy scream
inside my brain

its loud in here
sorry if I don’t reply
I can’t hear anything
but the screeching

over and over
that’s all I know
yikes
make it stop

so unsure
what happens if it stops
is there anything behind
the reckless screams
or will it just be empty
inside my brain

on the verge of lonely
at the cliff
about to jump into
a chasm of isolation
three steps from the edge
inching closer a bit

why can’t I just be happy

just the whispering wind
begging me to leap
to make the change
from alone to lonely

that’s all we are
and everything is alright
there are no hard feelings

just friends

I never expected much
anything at all really
only what we are

just friends

we might have kissed
but I don’t care
everything is normal

just friends

you and me
back to the way
it should’ve always been

just friends

“I want you to kiss me”
and to my surprise he did
one second I’m giggling
and the next I’m kissing him
“this doesn’t feel real”
I don’t know if that was
because of the tequila
or because I was  
kissing my best friend
either way, we were both breathless
I just wanted to get closer
I just wanted to kiss him more
experience him as he did the same
we were intwined for what felt like hours
I couldn’t believe myself when
I was cuddled in his arms
I kissed his jaw
I had been longing to do that
but it was actually happening
he gently played with my fingers
and lazily dragged his finger tips
up and down my side
“I knew you wanted to get cuddly tonight”
embarrassed that he could see right through me
I buried my face in his chest
“I wish you could’ve had the courage
to do this sober, Linsey”
staring into his deep brown eyes
I managed to say seriously
“I will kiss you when I’m sober. I promise.”
he nodded in agreement
beginning to kiss me again
his hand in my hair
the other trailing up my back
my hand on his jaw
feeling the stubble on his cheek
his tongue and mine
finding each other in the dark
in one fluid motion
he had squeezed me tighter
and laid me on my back
our bodies pressed against each other
he started on my neck
goosebumps lined every part of me
he chuckled, his warm breath hitting my skin
we pulled away and
just grinned at each other
knowing that we had done something
we couldn’t take back
but who would want to?

I took a shower
I put on jeans
I got off campus
I ate two meals
I spent a few hours in a public place
I talked to someone with my voice and not over text
I wrote
I studied
I feel okay
Today was a victory
A small victory

She shreds every hopeful thought
whispering deprecating words
until that's all there is

At first, you try to ignore her
make her words disappear
but she is persistent

You believe that you are
stronger than she will ever be
the fighting can only last so long

She knows how to get to you
don't let her sink you
she isn't worth it

Her name is said at ease
by those who don't truly know her

The one and only
intimidating manipulative liar
Miss. Lonely

I don't want to think about you any more
I don't want to write about you any more
You infiltrate all of my thoughts
You infiltrate my every move
Here I am
Ready to defeat you
Ready to be rid of you
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
I'm angry that I'm sorry
I'm angry that you're not
Here I am
I don't want to think about the good things
I don't want to feel the hurt either
Yet here I am
Thinking, feeling
Writing about you

we may not always agree
but you have affected my life
every single day
I couldn't wait to go see you
I sat in the very front row
right in front of your desk
we talked for a whole hour
about lessons and life
for four straight years
you were a steady constant
all ten of us were
so contently discussing
not just about Spanish
not just about life
you are forever a part
of my growth
I miss your class
every single day
you made high school less awful
thank you for four amazing years
Senorita Hopper

you have opened your mouth and I am listening
I wonder is your heart open too
I soak in your words
give me more
I crave to know you
you try to hide your face
share your hurt with me
I want to be there for you
you smile and laugh
and I pray it's real
I can tell you are happy
but I ask "are you joyful?"
open your heart as well as your mind
I'm here for you always
you and me together
a trusting friendship

A nine year old running as fast as she could. Running for what mattered the most. Chasing the tune that meant a sweet frozen treat.

I want to write for me.
Not for anyone else.
Just for me.

The words are true.
They come from the heart.
They are true.

My thoughts are personal.
Though I share them.
They are personal.

My poems are failing.
When I reread them.
They are failing.

I've been writing for others.
As much as I fight it.
It's been for others.

I am a writer.
This is part of my life.
Lins, the writer.

I will write for myself.
No matter what.
Just for myself.

ok.
I will be
ok.
we can be
ok.
please don’t speak,
ok?
don’t tempt me,
ok?

without you,
I will be
ok.

I made a mistake
I leaned in too close
His scent assaulted me
When it hit my nose

I realize with regret
That he is still a comfort
I can make that change
But it will take much effort

Every whiff I inhale
Makes my breath catch
Sadness over takes me
The feelings begin to hatch

My heart is racing
And my eyes lose focus
I think I’m having anxiety
Over the thing that used to be us

My heart isn’t broken
Like the heart of a lover
It’s broken because of
A friendship we lost with each other

pull at every thread
unravel me at once

you do this unwanted

leave me be
weave me together again

an ominous cloud surrounds me
it gets darker the more I search for a light
suffocating, exasperating, deadly
the cloud is dense like a thick foam pad
can't get through it
have to fight my way through it
my breathing starts becoming gasps
gasps for the air that is clean and pure
the cloud might never dissapate
will it be a part of my life forever?
dark thick heavy weight
it might crush me underneath
every dark cloud is similar but different
they are destructive
and they always trap the person inside
individually uniquely killer
generally excessively present

Every single smile we share. You fool me into thinking you care.
I think I know you. You know me too.
So why do I keep doubting us? Why does my heart keep stumbling over trust?
Your eyes shine. As they search through mine.
Your words come from deep inside. You can't keep them in even when you have tried.
Every touch makes me question my heart. Do you know how you split me apart?
I have tried for months to fake it. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.
I want our friendship to hang on. I want for us to be strong.
I'm not sure what to do. Because I can't stop being near you.
You are uncomfortably safe. And I'm not scared to be in your space.
You are dangerously secure. Your warmth draws me in like a lure.
We share so many secrets. I never want there to be any regrets.
You say you don't make promises. But I'm begging you to promise this.
I'm not sure what we might be.
Just promise you won't stop being friends with me?

all day long I feel your distance
fooling ourselves into thinking we're fine
stressed but hiding behind small smiles
keep the tv on keep the conversation flowing
don't let anyone know how you really feel
all day long I felt your distance
only at night do we share our truths
the distance closes and words spill out
you understand why I have to reveal it
I understand why you share your worries
everything's different after dark
through the distance I reach out to grab you
you return with a listening heart
when I feel crazy you help me feel calmer
thanks for letting me trust you with my feelings
all day long I felt your distance
but tonight we speak as close as ever

your eyes show the pain
I can feel your hurt
share your sorrows
I'll share mine too
the hurt in your heart is big
every time you speak of it
your body gets smaller
your head hangs low and you need a hug
let me be there and help you heal