the half finished bottle of wine, the smell of your cigarettes in my hair, the sleeping couch

now I am 19 and
it's nothing special as what happens when you turn 18

I am still terrified of the future.

there's a lot of notebooks
full with words I still need to write.

I did not write as much
not because I don't care or because
it did not have an impact on me

just because I've been escaping and avoiding
instead of writing and feeling.

after all the lovers

I realized

it was now my turn to love

me

sometimes I have a hard time
perceiving myself;
the person who I actually am,
I am used to be filled with negative
and draining thoughts
but who am I next to that?
some days I forget that I'm actually
me
under a surface of anxiety and thoughts
under a layer of the weird way my brain functions
maybe I find her again,
I hope to meet her soon.

god I missed your lips
oh to stumble all upon the
Feeling of love again

eventually
everyone
will find someone better,
over and over.

its 1am and I’m sitting here
scratching my face
lowkey hating the way I look
and when I look in the mirror I wish I could see what you see in me

I've been staring at the word
"online"
under your contact name
for the past hour
its staring back at me
I'm desperately waiting for a reply
(nothing)
i let jealousy take me over
because I know you're texting her
instead of me.

when you left
I searched every object in my room
because maybe one of them
still contains your smell.

stepped on
was the flower,
little did she know
she could grow back
and maybe become even more
graceful than she already was.

I hold the lighter
to light up her cigarette
and as I see her silhouette in de dark,
I wonder

can I also light up her life like that,
can I make it better
can I be a small, bright light.

I romanticize the smell of cigs
because I want destroying myself
to be something beautiful and graceful.

it’s the words that always will
remain unspoken
between us.
the undefined smiles,
and the acknowledged feelings
we never discovered.

I see you looking at me
in a broken mirror and
I promise to hold your hand
dry your tears
and I will make for you a
soft universe.

and then she showed love
to the body
I've been hating
for so many years.

I thought that
By the age of eighteen
I would be happy

But I still feel empty
I still scratch my legs until they are red
I still cry in the shower until I am numb
I still havent figured out everything yet.

I am so afraid of things changing
but I am also scared
that everything will stay the same.

I am afraid
the feeling of
loneliness
will never leave
my chest

while we
let the sun kiss our skin
we watched the sky
through the leaves
and talked
about the weight of the world
which is laying on the shoulders
of our generation

home is
(the people I love)
my hand in your hand
when I lean in against your chest
and hear your heart beat

home is
a place without four walls
where I can close my eyes
and feel safe enough
to run
without fear

home is
the body I live in
(cry in, love in, die in)
where I exist and love myself

It is silent
but I feel like a thousand words are spoken
we don’t look each other in the eyes anymore  
we don’t touch
we only wave
from across the room

goodbye ¿