I first met you in sophomore year gym class
We were robbed of a formal introduction but yet I still remember you
It is almost like my heart was telling my brain to hold onto your name a little longer- that I was not getting rid of you anytime soon
I am thankful for that

(We finally had a formal introduction at the beach, I remember the exact picnic table)

50 minute obligatory car rides turned into spontaneous joy rides- you surprising me at my house, just to drive around
We talked about our teachers and classmates, our heart break and happiness

Now, on the brink of adulthood I wish you'd just trust fate the way she has trusted us
******* none of this was accidental
We both have been so broken- we both are so cautious but still let's
take the risk
I've latched onto you telling me that you can't wait to drive a mini van- to be a dad
Because deep down, I want that future with you

I am sorry that sometimes
when I'm telling you about a movie
I ruin the ending
But for some reason
when I'm with you
I can feel my soul
spilling from my lips - ready
set go & trying to fit forever into a moment;
laughing like everything makes sense
for once -
Souls colliding
I loose all control over reason
cause I am ready to share
my everything (memories::moments::emotions)
with you

I told my first lie at the age of 5
I told the grocery store cashier that I was 4 years old
My mother called me on my bluff, but she did not realize that this was more than a cute slip up
The only truth in that was that I was terrified of growing up
I longed to find my way to Neverland
I've been lost ever since
Searching, for the answer
I have come close, a few times
17 years into my hunt, I saw both the earth and sky in his green and blue eyes
The fountain of youth flowed through his lips
The second star was right in front of me, shining from his gold strands of hair
Inhaling sweet smoke, we were high enough to fly away
Or so I thought
I forgot the pixie dust, and also forgot about Neverland
Instead I yearned for the future with him

When he left, time stopped
I did not age, and the world around me was frozen
I started praying to the stars that they would one day let me join them
I have stopped trying to fly because you
keep me grounded
I do not want to go away to a world without your voice
Please, sing your future into my present
Paint me in pixie dust
Let me feel your magic
Tell me about what fears follow you like a shadow
I wished to the second star, and the third star and the fourth star until you found your way to me
Just don't go back to Neverland, please
That is to say, if you let me go now, I will not ever return

even if days may go by that I do not think of you
not a day goes by that I do not miss you

some days I take a breath
and feel the air get lost on its way to my lungs - trapped
lost soul searching
found hiding from reality
I push out the empty air, still alive
still breathing,
without you
you, still missing
from me - lost

outa sight outa mind I haven't missed you in a while cause
**** things have changed
no more hoping or wishing or thinking bout you
you haven't called me in over a year
you been with her for over a year
but then you come back even just for a second and I
wanna tell you everything you've been missing
how I've seen the world and found my passions
how I've laughed and cried and grown without you
the books I've read
the people I've met
wanna share them with you
wanna share you with them
but you'll be gone before I can
utter the words
before I can ask how you are
before you can ask how I am
you dance in and out
using poetry as your vessel to remind me of what we share
our mutual existence in this crazy world
our coexistence
back for a second you'll be gone for a minute
I miss you already
I've forgotten you again

I’ve been starting to think that I can love you in your absence
And I’m worried that if you came back
Next week
Next year
Ten years from now
I’d still love you
And kiss goodbye to all I’ve held since you left
All that held me since you left
Just so I could hold you, feel you
Again

You say I am strong
as if that will make my sadness melt away but
No amount of strength or grace
could make me forget the pain
I may come out stronger in the end
Or maybe, injured, damaged
Right now, I'm still struggling to lift this weight above my head
I'm just trying to stay upright

Maybe I miss you and maybe I shouldn’t but the truth is I do
I’m in a crowded room
Surrounded by bright lights and lovely people but i still wish we had more than a passing encounter last night
Wish I knew for certain that this would one day go somewhere cause
I don’t lend my heart out often
I was hopeful
And you surprised me
And hurt me
And left me
But didn’t quite leave yet
Will you come back to stay

I suppose the day has finally come where I no longer write you
Where I no longer miss you cause
It was your birthday and I did not send you carrier pigeon love
I am done accepting love fleeting
I’ve learned that there is no wrong time with the right person
Which is not to say I don’t still try harder than I should
But you are no longer on the receiving end
I seldom think of you now
But I’ll always hope just a little that you still think of me

It has been months of reconciliation
Of learning to love myself again
Of learning to let go to what I can not change
And stop trying to change people
My worth is no longer dependent on how people prioritize me or how they treat me
But instead loving them through their mal treatment and most importantly
Loving myself through it
Letting go of contempt and resentment leaves room for new friendships and working on old ones
Cause six years mean everything and make it worth it

I'm back at square one
I know I've been here before
felt this
before
Everything seems so unfinished
There’s still more to say
More to experience
More connection to be had
I wish you’d wait it out a little longer but
Instead I’ll just write you one last time
Open the door to a second try
Remind you that I’m still here
Smiling, waiting
Lord knows I’m special
And I know you’re special
It’s hard to ignore how comfortable we felt
But maybe I felt like her when you closed your eyes
And maybe I didn’t make you feel the way she did when you opened them
Maybe it was her you were reaching for all along
Our connection wasn’t the same as yours but
Did you really give it a fighting chance
Or did you just hide away from the possibility
From the commitment
From the vulnerability
I’m still here arms open, eyes bright
I’m still here
Still here

Killing myself has always been a back burner option
Been something floating in the foreground like an exit sign in a dimly lit room that I’ve never used
See, I wake up every day and choose not to use it
I decide it’s all worth it
The way the cold makes my thighs red on a Friday night
How the crisp winter breeze reminds me what it’s like to feel something
How you made me feel good, past tense and bad present tense but **** isn’t it a gift to feel this range of emotions again
I feel all this love and heartbreak that I never thought I would again
I thought the winter wind made me numb but instead it made me realize how wonderfully alive I am
I would never do anything to change that, I’ll never take the quick exit
For that, havent I won, something?

It is the age old ritual
Of time apart bringing us together
Or bringing it together
That is being away from you
Makes me realize how much I light up when I talk about you or want to talk to you
The last time I felt this way everything ended up in unrequited flames

Maybe it is that we are so fiercely afraid that we can be loved wholeheartedly that we run into the arms of people we know never will
Which is to say maybe it is that I can not bring myself to believe that I might deserve better so
Forgive me if I am skeptical
Forgive me if I’m fleeting cause
It all seems too imaginary to be my manifest destiny

He has finally learned what love tastes like
without your name on his lips and
when you broke his heart you
lost the chance to
ever make him feel whole
or at home
again
I will not apologize for
letting him find me-
among the clutter or
listening to and
hearing  him

I ask you now to
do our feminitity a favor and
learn now how to build other women up
rather than tearing me down for
just loving in ways you
never would
or else
do it for our mutual love so that
he can heal and
learn what it means to feel whole again:
outside the context of a woman

It does not serve the world well to
tear us down for not needing you anymore
Rather let go of
the glass you shattered cause
you'll wind up hurting yourself too

Its been me and you, kid
for seventeen years
Or rather
it was me and you,
for sixteen years
I am sorry if you are broken
or lost
or really do feel like you were born
into the wrong body but
there is no escaping the feeling
of loss
when the little girl I wore a matching cheetah skirt with
is no longer there
I tried to help you all those years
Your pain was felt through my own bones
Every cut you made
Every razor you had
Made me bleed too
Please just understand
like I did all those years
that this is so hard for me
Your favorite color was orange
You loved the Macy's Day Parade
and Disney Movies
But now I don't even know you anymore
you with your ****** hair
deep voice
It is easy to be accepting until you feel abandoned

still haven't found anyone like you
but I doubt you've found anyone
like me

we might not write bout each other or to each other anymore
but we'll always be bound to each other

The world is still mine
even if you aren't

You came back for a fleeting moment / won’t you stay

I used to sleep to dream you
But now I wake to forget you cause
My subconscious mind keeps bringing us back together
And when I wake it hurts all over again
Like I’m losing you all over again
In my dreams I can still reach for you
You’re still with me
Laughing
Then I wake up and remember you’re gone, again
Come back, again
I’ll love you, again

Self care looks a lot like getting dressed even if nobody will notice the difference
like taking up extra space
Like marveling at your hands for all they’ve held, for how they get red and stiff in January air

we used to wear fishnets with shorts and
talk about God beneath the no smoking sign
we’d play made up games and watch Disney movies
cause it was ironic
made each other mixtapes on CDs
talked on the internet
sent each other emails
in the name of irony and being different

we wear ankle boots with jeans and
talk about politics over a beer
we travel and make mistakes
cause it fills us up
send each other poetry from youtube
facetime
tag each other in posts
in the name of keeping in touch
we’re no longer living down the street but
still together

I knocked and
You answered
You were always the answer
Maybe not always the right one
But I’ve always picked you so
Hopefully this time I’ll
Get things right

Maybe we won’t leave eachother
Again
Won’t have to say I miss you again or
Let’s catch up
Don’t wanna have to know more time without you in it

You were already so familiar
So honest and vulnerable
Though you were not ready
Even if I finally was
So maybe we can try again
In a month or two
And see if we can start something
Again