Here I am again
Cracked and broken
Heart ripped open
By the claws on the ends of my fingers
They are never coated in blood
A tidy sort of chaos
A mess-less, gutless dissection
Hollow space resides within
Emptied of everything
Shall we count the scars
Or will that bore you
To hear of the surgeries that came before
The operations and treatments
Self directed and self prescribed
By a med school dropout
Disgusting derelict defect
Split neatly into near halves
Tethered by a final pathetic stitch
That I am longing to rip
Free

When he is hundreds of miles away
When he is right in front of you
When he forgets to talk to you
When he simply says hi
When he kisses another girl
When he surfaces in your memory
When he encourages you to meet new people
When he wants to meet up again
When he has to go back
When he forgets you as days turn into years
When he speaks to you less than his family does
When he tells you he loves you
When he introduces you as his friend
When he introduces you as a girl he used to know

There are too many emotions
and words to put to paper it seems.
He consumes all of my thoughts
and fills all of my dreams.

I feel completely inadequate,
hopeless, trying to put into words
my heart beats, the notes my soul sings,
it feels absurd.

I want to write him something to
make his day, make him smile;
show him he makes me feel
something I haven't in a while.

I know this isn't a poem, so don't comment that, okay?

Love, love, love,
                          W. Hope

The sky is blue
And I am hiding

The bright
The excitement
I'm too ordinary
For such things

prettier than me
i can see what you mean
with her striking blue eyes
it's no surprise
mine are brown
and don't make you drown
prettier than me
shorter and cute
not this awkward height
too short or too tall
she can make you laugh
i don't do much laughing lately
how grand it is
she actually has a personality
and i'm merely just
me

My dress, my dress
Girls gabbing about Prom
The almighty Prom
It's all any of you talk about
December to May
What dress to buy
What hair to have
But all I can think about is him
And how I'd love
To have our own
Prom, a private prom
And just be with him

I begin to hear the screams
First softly
Then on top of me
Each inside me yet racing through me
Each heart beat is a pinprick
***** my skin and pierce my flesh
As you breathe
And I scream
I scream because I don't want you to forget the sound
The sound of people in pain
Sometimes you don't know them
Sometimes you don't know me
Pinpricks draw out my blood to show you proof of the color
I once beat read
I once beat black
Now my heart beats psychedelic screams
Visible screams
Printed on your eyelids

I am cold
And you're far away
My hands are covered in stars

I am crying
And you're probably asleep
My hands are covered in snow

I am candlewax
And you are matches
My hands are covered in sins

I'm curious...

How did my ExxP parents
Give birth to two IxxJ children?

How did my 'ideal match' parents
Get such a ****** up marriage?

How does my T father
Really feel about and think of his F son?

How much does my ISFJ brother
Hate his INFJ sister for stunting his F growth,
Because our ESTP father, my shadow type, has annihilated mine?

How am I supposed to be able to predict
My ENFP mother's flip-flopping parenting,
Even if we're both NFs?

Sometimes


                    your sadness


                                            doesn't fit


                                                              into words...

Colors pour into my eyes
And I leak out personality

Raindrops hit my windowsill

I have screaming in both of my ears

I'm somewhere between wide awake and passed out

I am unblinking up at my ceiling

I forgot to how to feel

My mouth is slack and my eyes glass

My hands couldn't get a grip for the life of me

I'm surround by containers

My thoughts have stopped pounding

I can't remember what I wanted to forget

I'm sure that this is safety

I've never known anything more secure than this poison

I know that it's better than my own toxicity

I have my blade in my right hand ready when needed

I am used to needing to bleed just to double check

I'm not always sure I'm still alive

I hate myself for choosing this state over pain -- but

I don't want to come to my senses

I can tell it's already starting to wear off

I can hear from somewhere distantly close

Raindrops hit my windowsill

He always had a deep thoughtfulness in his chocolate brown puppy dog eyes
He reacted to everything with this one look where he would squint and his mouth would twist into an asymmetrical skeptical smirk
His straight dark brown hair rested just below his eyebrows and he was always shaking his head slightly to the left to clear his vision
He refused to wear his glasses even though they turned me on so terribly
He color coordinated every outfit like such a pretty little rich boy
He made me feel so insecure yet strive for greatness being the class salutatorian
He was so shy about his guitar maybe because of his brother the famous musical prodigy
He insulted baseball on a regular basis though it was the sport that he loved and played
He slept and never did it was so strange
He proved how much his friends mattered
He came through in everything always
He made me feel like I could not only be something someday but like I was already everything too
Perhaps that's why I made him mine
                                                        my everything.

Let me quote you, so there is no confusion:
"**** me, **** me,"
"leave your mess for someone else to deal with."
You made the mess though and you added the anger.
You did, both of those things completely belong to you.
You don't know it, but I'm in the next room writing this, trying not to cry.
You shout, smash, and swear. I just write.
I wonder why you think it is we don't talk...
Our lack of common interest, my short temper, your short temper, my fear of you, my shame of not being good enough...

People will look and see.

               I'm too fat for that.
       I'm covered in moles like polkadots.
               I have scars that aren't even a little ****.
       I have too many bones everywhere.
               I don't live up to my own expectations.
                       How could ever I live up to anyone else's?

  My body
     Isn't
   Worth
   Seeing

i suppose i am composed
of some of my mother
and parts of my father
no matter how i try to shed them both
i am warped by premature exposure
to prostitution and *******
my veins are ***** from
the needles i don't use
and my head is clear from
the pills i don't take
painted skin covers
the pale emptiness
my skin as a canvas
that all too accurately reflects
the blank white nothing inside of me
cruel hope after hope that's been
left to disappoint
disapproval of myself end to end
fiber to fiber is deemed inadequate
so focus outward forget about this body
how to impact the world
how to change the world
how to fix the world

You should have never told me you liked the Fray,
You ruined them for me.

There were flashing lights,
lasers, where we met.
There was loud music
and cheap drinks.

I found myself with the three of you,
only one of whom I'd met before.

That was the year I only wore plaid, mostly.
I was protesting make up at the time,
a leftover idea from my two year flowerchild period.
You were arrogant as ever,
self involved ****
with great taste in music.

I remember in all the conversations that followed
you'd compliment my impeccably perfect playlists.
I digress.

You stayed away from me that night,
let me hit on your friends.
But you got me that shirt.
I still wear it.

I had forgotten that night for over a year.
Even when I saw you next,
I didn't remember you.
I didn't remember you
and that has always bothered me.

I don't forget people.
I just don't.
Especially since it was both our first night out with that crowd.

You remembered me though.
And I'll never know why
I forgot and you remembered.

But now you forget me,
and I never shall forget you.
I promise you I'll never forget you.

And if you recall,
I don't break my promises to those I love.

There's a ringing, ringing in my ears,
You can't hear it, the people don't hear it.
I draw rings, the ringing in my ears.
Dark circles appear under my eyes;
I am so tired from doing nothing.
The lights flash and we don't blink,
Forces clash and we don't blink.
I can't hear what you're not saying,
What you're not praying, proclaiming,
For there's a ringing within my ears.
It drowns out the stars,
It drowns out all fright for
I am so tired from doing nothing.
Peace and retreat drive me mad;
Retreat is not peace, it is pieces.
There's a ringing, ringing in my ears,
You can't hear it, the people don't hear it...

I was standing atop the mountain
and the wind blew west
and I could see the leaves follow after her

I was standing atop the mountain
and as the snow fell I could see the smoke rise
and the ash became angels

I was standing atop the mountain
and the rams were fighting where she used to stand
and as one fell I had to look away

I was standing atop the mountain
and the sun was setting
and I could see the colors bleeding all over the sky

I was laying in the valley
and the rain made me cry

They pretend not to see
What he does to me.

He kicks me and I falter,
Kicks me till I fall down.
Shoves me underwater,
Tries to make me drown.

Gets a twisted grin,
Pretends he loves me and I him.

And they wonder what my problem is,
Why I try to slit my hips.

I fell for it
I fell for you again
I didn't want to
I knew I shouldn't
But I couldn't resist you
As always
Why am I so weak
To fall for the words
I know aren't anything
Not worth my time
My energy
I deleted eighty percent
Of whatever happened
From my drunken brain
My phone
But I remember
I wished you a
"Mediocre New Year"
And with your responses
I was entrapped
Ensnared
And clothes came off
Prematurely with our words
And I kept telling you
"You're a bad idea"
You wanted pictures
I'm glad my friends
Didn't let me send
Because I want love
And you want lust
Last night
I think I pretended
I wanted it too
But I don't
"I shouldn't want you"

It's fancy meeting you here
I say as if I haven't been
Planning this run in for weeks.
And you give me
A smile in passing,
As you join the girl
You always prefered.
And I say it's okay,
And I scream it's okay,
To myself more so than to anyone else.
Because who am I
To dare
That you could ever
Love me again
After the way
I left you?
So before you go,
I just want to say,
You were my biggest mistake.
Not because you tried,
But because I walked away.
I recall all the attempts you made.
You wanted to fix my world,
Save a scared little girl,
And I threw you out.
I threw you away
Before with opened eyes
I realized
I needed you to stay.
No one else has ever looked at me --
Not the way you used to.
So it's funny,
Running into you here,
When I've been running
For all of these years.

Monday they make me sleepy
Tuesday they make me laugh
Wednesday they give me strength
Thursday they make me dance
Friday they make me think
Saturday they make me cry
Sunday they make me ready to die