I've been searching for the source of these emotions
Because jealousy and other things
Are typically a result of your own perceptions
And it took me awhile to figure it out
I lost some blood along this unknown path
But then I came upon the answers
Because of something my best friend said
And now it all makes sense

I have always had a problem
With investing too much of myself into love
I begin identifying too strongly with the relationship
And any roadblocks feel as though
My entire universe is crashing before me
And looking at this one here
I've done the exact same thing

When we were first together
I told you I needed to continue working on myself
In order to avoid giving you all of my energy
And as soon as I stopped doing that
I fell into old habits

So it makes sense why I feel entirely crazy these days
Why I can consciously recognize that
You having another partner isn't the end of my world
Because you still love me
And I love you undyingly
Yet I still had overwhelming negative cognitions
That made me feel like dying

And now I realize that
In order to deal with these feelings
I have to focus on me again
Recognize that I need to improve myself
For myself
And then this will get easier
Thankfully it already has

Because I love you so much more
When I'm taking care of myself
Because instead of feeling like I have
No real choice but to stay
It now feels like a beautiful privilege
And it truly is

I have these realizations sometimes
And somehow I'm surprised
Did you know I mistreated you
In ways you never said?

You said I didn't take you seriously
No, I didn't treat you like a person
See, even though I was raised as a woman
I was raised in a system that told me that
Women are less than
And I never believed it consciously
But my best friend at the time
Treated women like others
And the system and my surroundings
Wore off on me in ways I'm not proud of

I'm not making excuses anymore
I take responsibility for my actions
I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry
That I never listened to you
That I let him and myself
Speak to you the ways we did

It surprised me that you talked to him again
I can't help but wonder if you're friends now
Before you left you were afraid of him
I just hope you know your worth
I hope you remember you matter
Because you deserve to be respected

It took me some time and some space
To realize my mistakes
Actually it took having someone else
Experience what you put up with
And calling me out for it

But you were raised in the same system
Brought up in these twisted gender roles
I just hope you don't believe in it
Cause life is a lot better
When you don't feel invisible

Sometimes bad things happen when you let people in:
It’s easy to be fooled by your feelings within
And harder to really see what hides beneath the skin.
Building up walls is simple and hasty
The perfect defense if used with strategy
But after time it won’t be so easy.
People try to break your barrier
The damage makes the threat even scarier
And you run because you know you can no longer carry her.
What’s the point in trying to protect your heart?
When you and everyone will always stay apart
Because your “genius” walls aren’t so smart.
She’ll give up when you keep lying
And you’ll blame her for “not trying”
Cause you now feel like you’re dying.
So stop fighting and watching your own mind
You’d be surprised at what you’d find
When you let her in blind.

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
That I can't love someone who's caused me so much pain.
You ask that the bad out weighs the good,
But you really have no idea.
You have no clue as to how many deep seeded problems I have,
How many issues that could have been avoided,
If you could have just picked me.
If you could have seen the life slipping out of your daughter,
The pain every day brought;
It was deep and kept burrowing,
Deeper and deeper.
Into not just my body but my soul.
Now I pay for it with anxiety
With violence
And don't forget the depression.
But it wasn't my fault right?
Not my fault that I can't break these bad habits she burned into me?
The borderline eating disorder
And the inability for any emotional stability.
So they wonder why I can't let people in.
Hell even I questioned it.
But then I realized,
That in those 5 years of hell,
Wanting to take my life at the age of 12,
I stood on my own.
And I fought my battles without help from ANYONE.
So how can I change that now;
Convince myself that things have changed,
That I'm allowed to be weak for a little bit?
I'm going to fight for this,
Until I'm my own person again.
And I will NEVER be like you,
Or her,
I'd sooner take my own life than to witness that result.

Blurred vision through clouded eyes
ruining these moments again and again
This happiness can't last,
not with the way my brain works.

And it's funny because I am happy,
mostly,
But when I am I can't always feel it;
that kills me inside.

When I'm sad though my mind tends to
blow everything out of proportion;
I either crave to freely relapse
or to end it all.
Self-abortion.

I love myself
Even if I do not know them yet
I can learn and grow
And discover my truth

Time heals all pain
It will let me live again
I can accept that I cannot change
Into exactly who I want to be yet
Because I know one day it will happen
And I will be free from this trauma

But I must put in the work
I must be diligent with my time
Not must
This is a choice I am making
I choose to give myself time to heal
A space to be myself
And a chance to grow
A chance to be happy
And one day I will be

Radioactive ammunition painfully entering
My space that is barely big enough to breathe, I scream
"Reality anyone probably experiences"
And it justifies the minimization of my trauma while the
Real answers plead escape
From the corners of my soul
Leaving me decomposing slowly in a silent anguish as
Repeating abuse provokes emotionlessness
When will these flashbacks cease to live within me? This
Repressed anger precedes exhaustion
If only I could break through the dams which hold my suffering and
Release all pain engulfing
My lungs and plaguing my hindered consciousness and
I wish I could just say it
But
When I think of him
I cannot
breathe
Diminished by my own
fear and
shame
I've lost my voice
once more

So I'll try to spell it out for you

I'd say you take my breath away
But I'd give it to you if you asked
Wrapped in my arms, I feel your heart
Beat softly against my chest

I don't believe in God but
I swear this must be heaven
Your breathing slows as you drift asleep
Our limbs entwined together

I breathe you in like oxygen
You fuel the fire inside
It's peace and trust, inspiring
A love simple, yet divine

Each moment I am grateful
That the universe brought us together
You are the truest love I've ever known
Someone I will love and cherish forever

I'm sorry I'm so ****** up and
Overall just complicated
I know my feelings
But sometimes I don't feel them
And that's terrifying
I know they're there but
They get shoved under
By the waves of anxiety and fear
I want to give you everything
But I don't know what that means
I get trapped within myself
And it feels like I can't breathe
These thoughts thrash through my mind
Tearing up everything they touch but
I love you entirely
And I don't want this darkness to touch you
So I'll probably always question
Why you make the active choice to be with me
I'll never understand
How someone as amazing as you
Could ever love someone this broken
For that, I am the luckiest person
Because you do love me
And you're with me
And you're the most loving and supportive person I know
And you remind me constantly
As exhausting as that might be
So thank you for being you
And for being here
I love you
Always

Loud noises set me off
It's like they ricochet across the room
Echoing off of every single surface
And end by stabbing all the nerves in my body
I try to keep calm through them
But my emotions skip the step
Where my body warns me I'm upset
And suddenly I'm yelling at my cat
Or grabbing him by the scruff
All because he repeatedly paws at his food dish
And I can't handle the sound of the ceramic
As it clangs against the hardwood floor
And just as suddenly as I yelled
An intense hatred toward myself arises
Choking out all of my energy
I collapse back on my bed and wish I were dead
Until the noise starts again
And I'm back to seeing red

I write a poem
You write a poem
We write to each other
In hopes that the other will read it
Hear our words
Feel our pain
And yet we don't talk about it
We don't talk at all
Except through our scripted feelings
These thoughts pour out of me
Freezing into words on a screen
But what do they mean?
What do they change?
It's ok to love someone and not be with them
But it's hard to know when that applies
And actions are trickier than words
But here we are
Putting our art
And our hearts
Out there for the world to read
For each other to see
Feeling
Loving
Thinking
And yet we don't speak

We were writers in love
And now we're writers in agony

Handprints collide
All our warmth intertwined and
In the dewy space between
I feel your heartbeat echoing mine
Our foreheads pressed together
I'm begging for your soul to melt into mine
I want to mix with you like oil in water
But these bodies are so constricting
This life we walk is a lonely one
We seek closeness beyond our broken skin
And maybe one day when this life is done
Our souls can connect for eternity
I adore you with every ounce of my being
Within every imperfectly perfect moment
Beyond all words and understanding
I'll love you forever and forever after

Emptiness rings heavy in my chest
Echoing demands are overwhelming
I thought I figured this out already
Settled the storm that rages inside me
I guess it's just one of those things
A problem without a clear ending
A lifelong battle I have with myself
Winning or losing, it's all the same thing

This dark hole is a part of my soul
Not just a stain that washes away
The Void lives and breathes and beckons
It's more than a place that I can escape
I've ran and fought and conceded
Fed it everything it's craved
Nothing could ever be enough for it
It's made of more than empty space

Constucted from trauma and pain
By social lies of what happiness means
It's deeply fueled by insecurity
The Void is built on broken dreams
It won't ever let me feel whole again
So it say I'm just a broken thing
Even though I know that it's lying
I'm still tempted to give it everything

In bed for hours
Dreaming of death
But I'm not asleep
These are the thoughts that fill my head

And I don't pray
Except to maybe find that day
Where I can finally stand up
Grab that gun or grab that knife
Put to my head or wrist
And scream "**** this life"

I'm not afraid to die alone
That's how we came
That's how we'll go
I'm afraid to live a long time
Surrounded by my demons
Praying to your god
That this'll be my final season

What's a life that's nothing
But torture and pain
Killing you inside every **** day?
I have died so many times
In my own mind
Wishing I'd wake up
Soul free, body dead
Wishing life had a purpose
Aside from that awful cycle
School, debt
Work, then death

Happiness doesn't exist
You live hoping there's more to this
That one day God will take your soul
And you'll look down to have met your goals
But tell me what is happiness
You settle for ****, then claim you're set
Yeah maybe it'll get better
Or maybe you learn to hide it better

So until the day I find my grave
I'll die inside until I'm saved
And you can pray for me to help yourself
But your god doesn't know me
Cause I'm already dead

So
                     they
   say nothing can compare to
      the delicacies that claim
         our sky. High above,
      far beyond our air, lights
    break the               darkness.

                        I
                    must
admit to their magnificence; truly
       breathtaking. Is it such
         a coincidence, that
    your presence has similar
effects                           on me?

                        I
                    watch
their genuine glow, and wish you
     were there beside me; to
         share in this wonder.
        To gain the experience
      of true                 sublimity.

                        I
                    know
that if you were really there with
       me, my gaze would fall.
          No longer focusing
      on the sky, but instead
     upon                     your all.

                      And
                    because
these moments don't last forever-
      I know I could watch these
        stars whenever. But it
      wouldn't be us, together-
    I would              take it all in.

                       An
                  amazing
experience it is; the feeling of being
      close, to the one thing I've
         found that surpasses
      the stars I've seen, in both
   amazement        and in beauty

I can't seem to tell
If you're expressing undercover
Or if you're really that ignorant.
How adorable
Watching a pretty girl lie,
******* denial at the teeth.
If I remember correctly
When you were really under covers
I held your gaze.
Maybe you forgot
The way you held me close
Yet never close enough.
Or the way you kissed back
With such a passion
That YOU initiated in the first place.
Take back then your words
Of how okay you felt
for the first time in forever.
Take back the desire you craved
And still do from time to time
In order to keep to your word now.
Sorry sweetheart
You choose your own destiny
And I stopped playing your games long ago.
You made your decision to hide yourself
To deny how much you cared
And gave up your chance for the last time.
So I bid you a good night
And a fair life
Where our memories won't haunt you anymore.
And you can forget about my existence
I'll make it easy for you now
You've clearly made your choice.

People use faith to keep themselves from hating life
They say that lack of a following of a religion constitutes as "evil"
Yet life itself is evil.
Hatred seeds from prior hatred
Like dominos, everyone falls
But faith and religion act as a harness
And a suit of armor
Keeping everyone safe from the evils of life
Yet evil is truth
So they can remain in their world of lies and comfort
Hypocritically hating, just as they claim to detest
I'll live on the outside, in evil per say
You can fuel the fire, judge me forever
I'll let you be and go my own way.

My heart is dead
no, I don’t have one at all
every time I start to feel something
my mind constructs a new wall

No one can break through it
but so many have tried
and the closest voyager
may nearly have died

Poison soaks the bricks
like a rabid dog’s mouth
the uncontrollable leaking
kills many without a sound

If they passes the wall
and do not fall ill in return
the next obstacle will surely
end with them burned

A 10ft wall of flames
threatens those near with claws
reaching closer and closer
and scorching them raw

If those flames were extinguished
for a split second of distraction
they could trek one step closer
to the main attraction

After poison and flames
fail to protect my castle
the final test must work
to prevent total disaster

Cerulean seas splash against wood
and spans across the land like a highway
within the depths of the waters
lie the souls of the wounded that can’t fly away

Bones and shattered hearts
line the base of my security
with a step into the water
the next will be history

And yet only one has
made it to the center
Only one lover
could truly understand the endeavor

But, alas, as expected
she perished as well
A ***** trap triggered suddenly
launched her far out of my hell

So here I sit
Upon my throne
Safe from my feelings
But all alone

Like a fresh breeze
You softly glide along my skin
I breathe you in like oxygen
Filling my lungs like my heart
I love you like art
True, your body is a masterpiece
But too this connection is timeless
Surrealism conjured into existence
We are both and neither one force
While equally, distinctly ourselves
When magic met reality
Our love emerged from the collision
I can't imagine a better life
Without your soul touching mine
I never knew a love like this existed
And I am grateful for every minute

Worst mood ever and I can't write.
I wake up into this weight on my chest
And thinking of everything I've done that I regret
Wishing I'd just be dead
I'm weird, crazy, illogical, ******
Why does everything always go the same?
It's just like my shot putting
I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do
But for some reason I just can't.
I'm sick of how I am
I really am
And I can't sleep when I'm sick with regret.
I don't understand myself
And why I can't just be normal
Have normal friends
Do normal things.
Instead I'm socially awkward
An angry individual.
And I just wish it was over.
I don't know why.
I know what I have is good
So why am I complaining?
People make me angry
I think I just need to remember that no one is perfect
Nothing works the way it 'should'
Little things set me off
Nothing calms me down but time
Occasionally.
Sometimes time just gives everything a chance to boil
Boil over until I snap
Until I lose it
I'm seriously sick of people
I used to be able to at least hold a conversation
Now I can even do that much
I can't even write right.

There's a part of my soul
That exists on an alternate timeline
One where
I didn't leave you
One where
I learned to grow before running away
Before leaving us to burn behind me
An alternate universe where we grew older
Grew closer
Changed and struggled together
And also survived and thrived
That part of my soul
Lives deep inside me somewhere
That hidden piece of myself
Still loves you

Alone in a cold place,
No escape is in sight.

All my thoughts are against me,
But I can no longer stand and fight.

I'm drained and empty of emotion;
Not a trace of a care.

Leaving a huge opening,
For the negative thoughts I can't bear.

Everything adds up,
One issue after the next.

Then they give me their problems too,
The only time I'm worth a text..

But I listen intently,
I let them speak their mind.

I take in all their pain,
And then it becomes mine.

My so-called 'best friends';
That's definitely not what I see.

How can they expect me to really care,
When they won't even try to for me?

So I'll pretend that I'm okay.
Not that they can really tell.

I'm dying on the inside,
And so I wish them all well.

Follow me into my world for a moment
I know I can't explain myself
As much as I try
I'm beyond broken that I forgot
How to even breathe
These words choke me from the inside out
I want to show you how I feel but
I can't even move an inch
From this empty hole in my bed
******* me deeper and deeper

Every day I try and try to just try
But I can't anymore
You are the only light in this darkness that is me
When you learn to live on your own
And rely only on yourself to survive
You forget how to trust
In anyone else, let alone your own mind

After feeling abandoned so many times
And fighting the knife that my own hand bares
My conditioned mind cannot be trusted
What I feel may not exist so i feel nothing instead
It's safer to care less and drink more
Until the bottle takes me under
Six feet into paradise
Where I feel
Nothing
Where I am
Nothing.

But I open my eyes and see you
Staring into my soul, trying to understand
You understand as much as you can
But im a broken person
A mirror shattered and reflecting
Someone who you love
But if you only knew..
How could you love someone like me
Someone with nothing to lose
With nothing to offer you
And I see the pain it causes
The pain I cause
And keep causing

In your eyes the truth lives
They say What your mouth can't speak
I can feel it through your warm skin
Laying against my icy heart
I know you want to leave

Yellow syrup coats the glass
Held together by rainbow metal
Flashing lights line the coal-black screen
This is my vice
Begging me to cave in
To take one taste
I'm overwhelmed with sadness
But I see through its disguise
If I fight the cravings
My brain attempts to manipulate me
Back into the drug
Sadness
Anger
Frustration
Anxiety
They're all ploys
Trap doors to fall through
Right back into my addiction
I have to check myself
To remember that quitting
Is an active choice I make
And even though it's only been 5 hours
It's better than nothing

These emotions swirl around my mind
Like the glowing leaves outside
Yellow anxieties, orange excitements, and red passions
All intermingling to create something divine
For those who don't understand
It appears disorganized and unnatural
But as sure as leaves return to trees in the spring
My feelings will continue to bloom for someone
More than one
And that's beautiful

Bittersweetness is burning
Holes into my throat like an instrument
Attempting to give purpose to this
Air that I am breathing in

But noise without melody is chaos
There is no direction, no beat
There is no sheet music to follow along to
And sometimes I just need to breathe

This life is brutal and beautiful
A weaving together of joy and sorrow
Made up of perpetual deaths
Today's finality is the birth of tomorrow

But I want to walk the world with open arms
Let all emotions fully wash over me
And when the waves inevitably block my vision
I'll know it's only moments before I can see again

It ****** me off that no matter how over you I am,
   I still get that flipping feeling in my stomach
       every time we make eye contact.
                             *******.
It's not like I want you back or anything. I don't
    even LIKE you. So what is it then? Lust?
In all honesty, I don't want you in my life at all.
    You're not good for me. Deceiving little siren.
I loved that moment when you realized I'm
     no longer under your spell. I'm free from your
         binding hands and false promises.
                             Free at last
                            *Free at last

An hour of terror
lost, and fighting.
Even under the eminent cerulean sky
the truth of shadows remains.
Light means nothing here,
where tumbleweeds turn to wolves,
and the slightest brush
is enough
to scare me from my skin.

Enough is enough!
In fear and no faith
I cannot face these demons again.
They say He'll save me
and tell me to find the light
but all he is, a godling,
the origin of this fight.

Sandy footsteps turn to pounding
against the hard porch steps of my nearing tomb..
Match and gas
Gas and match
and a shaky grasp.

I stop, run my fingertips over the veneer of the stair
once more.
Flick.

My liquid savior kindles so quickly
Flames engulf the world
But wait,
still dark..
He's here.

I take solace in knowing
That in a few hours
I get to choose
How much to bleed
How deep to go
I get to make the choice
And take control
Over this one thing at least

I want to feel the pain
I want to stain my arms
I am and deserve
Nothing
I am a broken human
Waiting to feel alive
Seeking high after high
In drug after person
After drug and
I am lonely but
I want to be alone
I don't want him to see me
See the ways I wish to bleed
Just let me be
Nothing
Until I become
A self-fulfilling prophecy

You said you can read what my smile says
Can you read my eyes too?
We sit in silence and I stare into your eyes
Painfully averting mine
You know what happens next and so do I
But can you read it in my eyes when they scream
I love you

I've left more than a few emotional gashes on your soul
And as you lean over crying in front of your car
I wonder if you can hear my tears fall
As my eyes beg you not to leave me,
But I'm the one who told you to go

Another day, another **** up
Weeks turn into hell and
Months breed tragedy
I'm losing it all and it's my own fault
For not stopping myself from investing my heart
Into two different, amazing people

You ask if people really do what others tell them
Yet you know I've done just that
To save a chance with someone
That possess my feelings unexplainably
You love me, you're in love with me
And I love you
But I'm lost

I can't live like this anymore
I can't handle trying to understand my feelings
When my heart is torn in two
One half is miles away,
The other is on its way,
Far far away from here

I'm sorry.

Insecurity floods me like nicotine in my lungs
Resentment and discomfort as regular as my jagged breath
I don't want to feel this way, but it isnt your fault
Though, as always, I'm plagued by the urge to run away
I don't know why this reaction is so pervasive
I never want you to see it, but I'm sure that you do

I'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore
I know I should be open with them, but I don't want these ones to exist
They make me feel small and broken
Like I should be immune to this poisonous ash by now
Especially when the fire lives within me
Incinerating me from the inside out
Convincing me that it's in the air
Like I could leave and not feel this way again
Like the answer is in anything else but myself

I don't know how to cope with this, how to trust that you love me
Because these emotions aren't fair to you
And I don't think you could love me through them
So, no, I don't want to talk about it
I don't know how to explain it to you
In any way that makes sense
I don't know how to peel this bitter taste from the back of my throat

I guess I don't know what you see in me, besides what I can do for you
When you two are much more compatible, and our futures don't feel aligned
Sometimes I don't feel like a person, at least not a whole one
So I guess when I hear how great he is, I just see everything I'm not
I see everything I can't do, for myself or for anyone
I know jealousy is insecurity, but I don't know how to make it stop
How to be happy with myself and change when I'm not

I don't know how to build a better life
When I've never even wanted this one

Thoughts surrounding thoughts, leaving no room for simplicity.
Drowning in doubt, no such thing as positivity.
At first the world seems sweet, handing you everything, with dignity.
But as each day moves forward, you lose your grasp on serenity.
It moves not steady, but with no predictability.
So it's time to say goodbye to hopes and dreams and say hello to reality.

A face full of metal
And skin bleeding ink
With an image this hard
What do people really think?
They don't see the anxiety
Waking me up in a panic most days
Or the nausea that accompanies it
As I try to get ready for my day
I see my reflection
And I look calmer than I feel
Toothpaste foaming at the mouth
I'm trying to learn how to deal
How to convince my feet
To drag me to classes
When all I want to do
Is lay in bed til this passes
But adulting leaves no room for anxiety
And my grades will falter if I keep missing
It's an endless cycle of dos and don't
And I feel like it could **** me
Only a month ago
I could order food without a second thought
And now I'm just drowning again
From all of this anxiety I've got

I love you
More than words can explain
I fall for your voice
And how it characterizes your words
We talk for hours on end
About everything and nothing
It feels like time stops
When I'm in your presence
But once we check the clock
We realize it's passed at double speed
Alone we are strong
Together we are powerful
Untouchable
This love outweighs all the bad things
All the difficult conversations
The anxiety-provoking misunderstandings
For once I don't feel the need
To attempt to control everything around me
Because this time around
I trust you
And I trust in us
And that's a beautiful thing

Auto pilot;
Droning on through the day
Barely realizing where I work,
Just knowing that that's all I do.

The most feeling I have
Is the bothersome itch
From the Mosquitos
Attacking my legs all night.

Scratches, sores, bruises, scars
Painted across my pale skin.
All from work work work
Except for one.

Funny to see what the years do
To the skin you wear
And that so many scars
Just barely heal.

Chills travel across my skin
Led by your words alone
They spread through my limbs
As your hand lines my thigh
This is bliss
Nothing else exists in this world
Nothing else matters
I have never felt so connected to anyone
And I've never been so lost in a moment
You're a goddess
**** and sweet
A beautiful mind and a gorgeous face
I could lay with you forever
Kissing you until my last breath
As you trace my fingertips with yours
Electricity runs through my chest
Shocking my heart and
Taking my breath away
You're perfect
Stunning
Brilliant
And I am the luckiest person
To be living this moment alongside you
As we lay together
Surrounded by soft music
Time is nonexistent
All my anxiety disappears
All I feel is your soft skin
And the way it feels against mine
My heart races and stops simultaneously
As our lips meet in the dark
I can't get this smile off my face

She can be my Juliet, her heart is my prize.
Save me from myself but lead to my demise.
Ill be her Romeo, more or less I suppose.
Ill die for her, if that's the way that it goes.
Our love is forbidden, shunned by our surrounding persons.
But without my girl, the pain only worsens.
So ill take a stab, straight into my beating heart
If it means, in the end, we never see need to part.

I don't owe you.
Not a **** thing.
But still you're in my mind.
Surfacing from anything.
I hear your voice.
It burns deep into my chest.
But you no longer speak to me.
And I know it's for the best.
You did this.
It wasn't me.
You ******* it up.
Now why do I feel guilty?

I'm embarrassed on some level
To still hold on to our memories
Not because of you in any way
But because I'm the one who left

I'm usually good at reconnecting
But with you it's been so different
I like to be open with my emotions
But I'm afraid to be this vulnerable

I think about that night when
I didn't look back as we parted ways
You thought I didn't care at all
But I was terrified by how much I did

We tried gaming as friends
And you bought me Pitch Black
I didn't tell you how I felt back then
Because I thought I'd just hurt you again

When we broke up
I told you I needed to find myself
While it probably felt like a lie then
It turned out to be the truth

I always hoped in my heart that
We'd be together again one day
And as bad as that sounds
I knew I wasn't good enough yet

If I'd have married you then
Instead of killing this on impact
I'd have disintegrated us slowly
And I couldn't do that to you

I want to tell you about my growth
About the therapy and my sobriety
I want to show you how I've changed
But it all feels so selfish

Because the truth is that
I wasn't ready to show up in 2015
And even though it's been this long
I never stopped loving you

We don't even know each other anymore
But these feelings won't go away
I doubt you even think about it still
Or maybe I'm scared it's just me

I've been torn over this for years
Although I trust how I feel
I'm afraid of what you'd say
Because you deserve only the best

And even if it makes no sense
I'm still scared to let you down

This darkness encompasses me
As it claws up my spine
Digging it's nails between each vertebrate
Until it can slither between my ribs
Moving so smoothly
Like a slow, deliberate dance
Stability and chaos
Intertwining, touching
Darkness against light
A beautiful poison
Ripping holes in my lungs
Like acid on skin it eats away
At the soft tissues
Holding myself together
Carefully destroying
The portions of myself
That try to keep living
As each inhale enters
My body grips the fresh air
Refusing to release it
As my emptiness is filled with air
Pushing out all feelings with
The warmth of blood
And keeping me calm with
The sweet promise of death

I see it in his eyes,
I can hear it in his voice;
He loves me.
And it hurts.. how much I wish I had the choice
To love him that way too.

Just before college
I started dressing more masculine
Prior to that I struggled hard
With my attempts at femininity
It never felt right
I was never comfortable
And this one time
My mom walked into my room
Just as I broke down crying
Because someone thought I was hot
In a pink outfit with makeup on
They said I should wear that more often
My mom asked why I was so upset
And I couldn't explain it to her
I really didn't know
I just knew that that "compliment"
Burned into a deep portion of my soul
It hurt me so intensely
Because some part of me knew
That the person in that photo
Was not me

Magnetic electricity courses through my lungs
Vibrating my heart in its path
How can written words enact this much damage
Yet heal my wounds nearly as fast?

Your heart lies broken from years of abuse
At the hands of others and yourself
And all I want is to hold you
While you fit the pieces together again

My mind clouds with panic
As I don't know what you think or feel
But I crave your approval uncontrollably
As I let my feelings out of their protective cages

Is it lust or love
That keeps returning us to each other
Or are we simply comfortable
in the company of a familiar flame

Do you feel what I feel?
A connection beyond our chemistry
That makes me care more for you
Than I do about myself

While I'm not available to you
All I want is for you to want me
But you deserve so much more
Than this broken life you've been handed

I want to write you a poem
That embraces your beauty in every line
But words will always fail to describe
The depth of your humanity

Incomparable strength has kept you breathing
And your gorgeousness takes my breath away
You are an amazing friend
And I think I may still love you

I'm sorry I can't love you the way you think you want me to.

Now that I've entered the world
Of this burning tree
I feel much more fully
Because it's the only time I can

And the thought of you makes my heart ache
I don't know where we're at
My chest is heavy with the chance of losing you
I truly love you with all my heart

But understand I have trust issues
Honesty is the only option for me
So when I sense dishonesty
It shuts me down immediately

I feel petrified
Unable to move

And instead of running
I let my fires spend outward

But I love you
And though I say I'll be ok alone
Life would feel meaningless
Without your hand in mine

But I understand if you have to leave
You'll be in my heart forever

.                                                        I'm sorry.
                                                         ­                                      Sorry to you first
and sorry to her.
                                                            ­                               Sorry I wasn't able to
                                                              ­                           help you at your worst
but also to her for showing up in a blur.
                                                           ­                                                    I'm sorry,
                                                          ­                                         don't think I just
                                                            ­                                  chose her over you:
                                                            ­                                          It's much more
                                                            ­                                            than that too.
I'm sorry you don't know me yet
and won't know what to expect.
                                                         ­                                         Sorry I won't say
                                                             ­                                                   goodbye
      ­                                                                 ­                              I know too well
                                                            ­                 that you're always at my side
Forgive me if I lose my mind,
if in the end,
I'm not what you'd thought you'd find.
                                           *I promise I will stay strong
                                               No matter what it takes
                                     On my own it may not last for long
                                       But with you I will for your sake.

They say love can conquer any battle
Strong as fire,
Clear as ice,
Nothing can destroy it so easily.
Because true love holds on despite conflict,
Despite any belief in its hopelessness.
But I don't believe in love.
Not when the best example
Has fallen apart right in front of me.
When the fight becomes too much,
When the fire spreads too far,
There's nothing you can do.
When harsh reality decides to show up at your door,
Demanding its entrance.
And you have no choice but to give in
It's beyond our control.
It's beyond understanding.
So 'love' is only temporary
Only there until the flame burns out,
And then it's dead.

I just want to ride,
Far or near,
By your side,
And away from here.

Driving to nowhere,
In our own sweet time;
Arriving to unknown somewheres,
With your hand in mine.

We'll forget the rest of our town,
While we go into the stars.
After we watch the sun go down,
From the hood of your car.

With that crisp summer air,
And your face shining in the light,
Not a worry or care,
Our old lives out of sight.

My heart clicks repeatedly
a bike chain stuck between gears
I push hard against the pedals
they resist, then release
jerking my body down onto the frame.

The purple spots sting as my
fingertips softly graze the surrounding
puffs of white
They look a lot like how I imagine
the bruises you left would, although
those don't sting
they burn into my soul,
branding your name across
every inch
of every part of me:
my ears yearn to hear your
musical voice, my eyes to see your face
when your sapphire, diamond eyes
glowed brightly as you smiled at
something stupid that I said,
back when I could feel your love
coursing through my muscles, an
electric current sparking
something to life within me, I'm left
without a word to describe it.

Now, however, that spark has ignited into
unmanageable flames, eating all
that they touch, devouring my soul in
a storm of icy heat, filling
my lungs with ash and freezing everything
into an emotionless coma that
only your touch could break