I've said I'm sorry so many times
But even a million words couldn't mend the pain
I've hurt you much more than you deserve
And I have nothing but myself to blame
I know you deserve the world
But I've given you nothing to prove it
Because every time I overthink
My mind spins and I lose it
But I can't let you just leave
Without first admitting how I feel
You asked me to explain why I like you
I didn't say much, but these feelings are real:

The way you nestle into me while you sleep
And your peaceful face make me weak
Your addicting laugh's sweet melody
Makes my smile appear unknowingly
And the way you smile after we kiss
It's a moment I never want to miss
Your desire to protect my heart
Proves you'll never rip it apart
And when I opened up to you
Without an obligation to
I knew I would find my way
To fall in love with you some day

It's very rare that you discover
Someone who thinks like you
And though you're absolutely stunning
Your mind is just as beautiful too
I try to explain how my feelings are
Yet my thoughts never seem quite tangible
After many failed attempts
I know our connection is unexplainable
Words may never exist
To show exactly how I feel
But I swear you've caged my heart
In a home of impenetrable steel
And I'm happy there
Even if you don't feel this way too
You have my heart
Because it only longs for you.

You said you can read what my smile says
Can you read my eyes too?
We sit in silence and I stare into your eyes
Painfully averting mine
You know what happens next and so do I
But can you read it in my eyes when they scream
I love you

I've left more than a few emotional gashes on your soul
And as you lean over crying in front of your car
I wonder if you can hear my tears fall
As my eyes beg you not to leave me,
But I'm the one who told you to go

Another day, another **** up
Weeks turn into hell and
Months breed tragedy
I'm losing it all and it's my own fault
For not stopping myself from investing my heart
Into two different, amazing people

You ask if people really do what others tell them
Yet you know I've done just that
To save a chance with someone
That possess my feelings unexplainably
You love me, you're in love with me
And I love you
But I'm lost

I can't live like this anymore
I can't handle trying to understand my feelings
When my heart is torn in two
One half is miles away,
The other is on its way,
Far far away from here

I'm sorry.

I won't fall in love with you for the way your hair cascades your shoulders
I won't get hooked on the way your body sways when you walk
And I won't focus on the small flaws that society highlights every day

I am not your average person
I'm an *******, a ****
Sometimes I don't think ahead
I've gotten myself into unsettling situations
And I tend to be self-destructive

But love terrifies me, it intimidates my self control
Because when I fall in love with you
It will be with the way your eyes glow when you speak
The beautiful chime of your voice when you answer the phone
The way my arms fit perfectly around you as you lean into me

I'll fall in love with the way we understand one another
And with the fear that consumes me
As I contemplate why someone as wonderful as you
Whose "flaws" I'll fall more in love with every day
Chose my broken soul
To make you feel whole.

Bodies swim around us in this endless crowd
Faceless faces twisting and turning to find a place to stay
Vibrations of bass shiver through our spines
And intricate guitar riffs drown out all conversation

I look into your eyes and suddenly everything surrounding us
Begins to fade into nothingness
A black film embodies us and
I only see you
and those stunning, chocolate-rich eyes

Your fingertips trace my cheek
Sending an electric current through my entire body
I no longer feel anything
Nothing except for you
And the beautiful way you study my countenance

Your beautiful smile takes my breath away
Our lips touch and suddenly a power surge
All lights, sounds, sensations cease
All that's left is you and me

My heart seems to beat to the pace of your breath
Rapid, then pausing for a moment
As we become one in our empty world
Troubling thoughts and overthinking all dissipate into an energy between us,
So fierce that words limit our expression of it

So we don't speak, we wrap into one another
Without questioning where we go
Our safe abode where nothing else exists
We simply float through this abyss together
Until we open our eyes and return

To the lights, to the drums,
To the screams, all those people that slowing resume their places
As if we never left at all
But they don't know our world
Can't see how we escape
You are the key to this perfect place
Our own little taste of paradise

So sweet, innocent, divine
A gorgeous face and a beautiful mind
Like her, your words steal my attention
Intriguing my mind to seek your affection
And like she did, you notice my charm
Quite unusual, yet satisfyingly warm
No surprise that our conversations run deep
And even late at night we don't always sleep
Do I see the parallels, plaguing my vision
To mirror you closely to my last proposition?
Are the warning signs blazing?
The sirens screaming?
They don't warn to discontinue
Simply to ensure great caution too
Different, very much, you seem
Yet there she sits, haunting my dreams
And the similarities are enough to compare
(But I wonder if they're ficticious or truly there)
I know that I'm crazy,
no doubt my mind's reeling
But I'm also so broken
That I'm afraid to start feeling.

Cold white layers pile over the grey concrete
I did not expect the storm but I
Needed to face the journey
Someday
We knew it could not last forever

And in that moment
An accident in my vision,
Maybe the music screaming into my ear
Distracted me from the obvious truth that lie
Just through the windowpane
Leading to a collision straight into reality

Your words, the concrete divider
That hit hard enough to take deep damage
Yet not hard enough to stop me from moving forward
The unexpected truth that came at the least expected moment
My ignorance overlooked the obvious signs
That i could not stay safe forever
Not at the speed we drove..

My skin hugged my knuckles tightly
Enough to match the descending snow
As I knew from the first swerve
Your first word
That inevitable fate
I surely faced
Death loomed close in my mind

But I drove on
Grabbed the wheel and forced my way through
The place where I felt nearest to the grave
Until I reached a safe enough space to see for myself
Just how much damage I endured

And, like my car,
I am totaled
Broken into pieces that cannot be reframed
Some lost at the point of collision
Others gradually passing over time
And some still holding on

In the eyes of an astonished mechanic
The car shouldn't even start
And according to everyone else
I should be dead
But I'm not

And though neither the car
Or my own life will ever fully
return to their original condition
We still drive on
Moving forward on the unpredictable
Icy
Deadly
Highway of life

Deep within my being, I know it still lives
I see a minute glimpse of hope
When I can still smile through the broken glass
That has torn my heart and body
To Nothing.
She was my world, the first
To bring forth this sliver of myself
That had been stuck inside the darkness of my broken mind for so long
My sunshine
Radiant, glowing, lighting a space I knew not of
But leaving shadows to play
Along the walls of my mind
And turning the screaming in my head
Into the deepest beat of my heart
That has ever existed.

My sapphire sweetheart,
If I ever dispel my feelings in
A lie that you were not my everything,
Then the devil that held us together
Will deny me the right to sanity.
For this love lasts forever.
And though I'm past the romance,
The God-forbidden fruit we devoured so quickly,
You will still be in my heart
As the key to understanding myself
And proving against my entire ruin of beliefs
That I am more than I thought I could ever be
So thank you, and I hope you sleep peacefully.

I miss you every day, as I pretend you never existed
It's the only way I feel ok, but my mind is twisted
I love you, I always will
I just hope feeling alright doesn't always rely on these pills.

I'm not ready to move on, my unconscious clearly shows me that
I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know you'll be there
and when I wake up, I just stare
blankly into the light of my clock, trying not to feel
disappointed in the fact that you'll never be here.

All night, I run from sleep to avoid those dreams I hate
but in the morning I scratch at the door of unconsciousness
begging it to let me back in,
because those dreams are my only escape.

When you said we were done
I initially was angry because
I wanted to hate you so badly
But I only loved you.

A few days later,
I realize that, though I do love you
more than anything,
A part of me also resents you.
And maybe my anger was not,
In fact, because I couldn't hate you,
But because I knew a part of me does
And all I want to do is love you.

The last time you asked if I hated you for ending it;
I couldn't, because I understood.
But this time, you didn't ask
You didn't care
And I'm not sorry that I wasn't good enough,
Because you're the one who couldn't
Handle the distance.
Let your cravings and desires
Override a love
To where you couldn't feel it anymore.

I wish I could understand,
But I can't.
And I resent you for hurting me this way.
At least before I knew you still loved me,
Now I couldn't even tell you liked me.

Enjoy your freedom and experience
While I'm trapped as a prisoner
To my own mind.
The dreams of you continue and
Waking up hurts more than I can explain.
But I love you.
And, unfortunately, that will never change.

I never wanted to be cliche
And wish to take my life
Over a certain individual
No matter how special they are

To me, she was everything
She meant more than air to me
Because before I met her
Life meant very little

Yes the medication helped me
To feel more empty than sad
Most days
But she was the only sunshine
In the rain storm of my life

These tears that stain my face
Burn into my skin like acid
Trailing, disintegrating
Everything from my eyes
To the deepest pits of my heart
The place only she knew

Where only she could survive
No one else deserved to see me
Not in the ways she did
The only one who could truly see
My broken soul and
my mutated heart
But still love me through it all

Now she's gone
No longer mine to hold
Or to call
Just to hear her sweet voice
Before I daze into a restful sleep
Sparkled with visions of her
Beautiful face
Those gorgeous blue eyes
That could see me
The real me
Even when I couldn't
understand it myself

I love her
And she left me

She is my life
Was my life
The only one who meant anything
To my ****** up heart.
And now I feel nothing.

Closing my eyes so tightly that my temples begin to throb
The space above my eyes starts burning but I force them farther down.

I feel like I've just had a brick to my face as my nose begins to sting with the built up pressure.
But it's still not dark enough.

Hat down past the doors I'm holding shut
They never came with a lock.
I want to see the type of darkness I feel inside but
All I feel is burning
My eyes won't close enough to really see it
And even 6 feet under wouldn't be dark enough.

My heart clicks repeatedly
a bike chain stuck between gears
I push hard against the pedals
they resist, then release
jerking my body down onto the frame.

The purple spots sting as my
fingertips softly graze the surrounding
puffs of white
They look a lot like how I imagine
the bruises you left would, although
those don't sting
they burn into my soul,
branding your name across
every inch
of every part of me:
my ears yearn to hear your
musical voice, my eyes to see your face
when your sapphire, diamond eyes
glowed brightly as you smiled at
something stupid that I said,
back when I could feel your love
coursing through my muscles, an
electric current sparking
something to life within me, I'm left
without a word to describe it.

Now, however, that spark has ignited into
unmanageable flames, eating all
that they touch, devouring my soul in
a storm of icy heat, filling
my lungs with ash and freezing everything
into an emotionless coma that
only your touch could break

You cannot exactly describe a person's laugh
to those unfortunate enough to miss it, but
when she smiles
and her eyes brighten up, rippling sapphire,
nothing else exists.
The sweet, tuneful melody escaping her lips draws
a smile onto my face, no matter what my mood.
I feel her body shake beside me, and I watch her perfect smile,
outlined with natural temptation.

While perfection may never exist,
love lies within this girl, and
to me, that love is perfect.
Her eyes reflect a better me, and in her
heartbeat, I feel a piece of myself
as we become one in each other's
arms. That embrace that always
leads the way back
to sanity and incomprehensible peace.

Nestled high in her loft, she curls into a C,
snuggling against my chilled skin, a
tranquil warmth pulling our bodies
together like a puzzle, the perfect fit.
My arm wraps up around her waist and
she hugs it to her chest, holding on
as if in fear of losing our reality.
A stir in the night immediately awakens me
to ensure her security, both physically
and emotionally.

If all is well, an electrifying kiss
and hopes of sweet dreams. However,
if something is off, maybe
an unusual distance, as I can
usually sense, I offer my whole
self and attention to help
soothe her beautiful mind.

From the moment I wake up, you are
everywhere. From my thoughts, to my memories, I
cannot escape. Wondering if you deleted my number,
deleted me from your life, and simply trying
to piece together how you so quickly stopped loving me
had you ever begun.
In my phone, though your name is changed, I cannot yet
force myself to delete the only proof I have that we
ever meant something to you: those messages saved from
the days when you said you loved me and hinted at forever.
When did that all change?
In the bag of my miscellaneous possessions you returned to me, my
sweatshirt still smells of your perfume and detergent
I love it and I hate it. Just
that intoxicating candied scent returns my mind to a better place, one
curled next to you, falling into the sapphire sanctuary of your eyes, yet
that place no longer exists and as I make that realization
everything inside my body dies.
My heart cramps up and stings like bleach down a raw throat
My stomach burns with nausea though
I have not eaten in days.
Despite having removed our photos from their home next to my bed
they lied awake upon my desk until a friend noticed
and quickly stashed the poisonous laminates into a drawer,
out of sight, to try to offer a break to my aching
eyes, swollen as my heart from the continuous river of memories
complemented with uncontrollable rapids, soaking my hands.
But it still kills me because even without the visual reminder, I know
that you printed those devils but a week ago.
I don’t know what changed so suddenly
But I know me. And you didn’t.
I know me, and I know I need help.

The pills taunt me from beside my bed
as I lay here, tortured within by each
painful heartbeat burning within my
chest and weighting my back to the lumped brick
of springs and polyester fiber.
Those blue beauties sleeping silently in their
sun fire home, why can't I sleep too?

One, two, five, ten, my throat counts
my way to freedom
Ironic, how we all have different definitions of
salvation. I adopted these babies to
"save myself," so the doctors think

Tonight it's Judgement Day.

If my depression were human, like myself, it would possess no gender.
Astonishingly impatient, it would easily upset;
Every little detail, from meal times to dress,
Could trigger a hate-storm of words and fists
Plummeting down upon my body, its own little punching bag.

If my depression were human,
it would adhere to my side without consent
Mirroring that bi-polar, abusive “relative”
A step-mother with clenching claws much too close to my neck one minute
Then handing over claims of caring and loving me the next.
I am forced to face hell whenever it visits,
But if gone for too long,
I begin to miss its presence.

And if my depression were human, it would live restlessly.
Through exercise it could relax a while, but
with its unruly schedule, the time may never surface.
It tries to sleep often and I try my best to assist
--tea and music to calm the mind--
but most often insomnia
leaves it beside me for hours, burning on and on
this flame eating at my insides:
A voice I cannot ignore.
The lack of sleep driving its nerves and emotions
On even less stable ground.
Sleeping pills no longer work to calm its overactive mind
And this throat-burning ***** works for only a few hours
Sitting in the shadows with only the bottle to numb the pain
For us both.

If my depression were human,
it would force its way between myself and others,
destroying every potential relationship,
friendship and otherwise,
before even a chance at an emotional connection arises;
driving even the most persistent ones to give up in exhaustion.
I would live alone with it
And it with me
It would tell me that it loves me, but turn
And stab at my wrists
At my arms
At my legs
Shedding blood and claiming that
That would prove my devotion.

If my depression were human,
life would not be life,
I would not be me.
Eventually I could no longer hide behind a fabricated smile:
to pretend would pain my damaged mind past its tolerance
and my body would begin to lose hope as well.
I could try to run away,
with substances or therapy,
but the effects only fade and leave me alone
with it
Once more.

And unfortunately,
Depression is human.
A parasitic one
Living in and draining the mind of its host.
Slowly killing every emotion,
Until even pain loses its effects.
Dominating relationship after relationship.
Birthing 350 million loners.
Ending 350 million lives,
Whether literally, or emotionally.

Those who survive and learn to file it away
may never know themselves again.
Forced to worship pills that eat their true selves,
all for this demonic being
that leaves them numb,
cold,
and empty.


*As I stand now, face to face
with my own demons,
no longer lurking in the shadows,
I realize
I have lost the war,
as my throat counts the blue bullets
leading to my sanity.

My stiff arms hit the metal of the door as I force it open, against
the chilled fist of wind, pounding hard upon the glass
windows and then equally upon my face and forearms. It had to be
below 50 degrees, but I had hoped that the cold could help me
feel again. Feel something. Unfortunately,
this ice only froze my fingers, leaving
my body as numb as my mind.

Later, as I rid my machine of the cloth concealment, protecting
the scars laced into my skin. The water boils as I
examine my life-lines, these battle scars, in the mirror and
can only cringe in thought of the disappointment drowning
the faces of those I care about most: their eyes
drooping down with the weight of eyebrows, creased
diagonally, half shock and the other half burning
discontentment. They purse their lips and stab my eyes
with their daggers, when I chuckle nervously.

I shake my head of these thoughts from my speculation and
step into the steam, hoping the heat could help me
feel again. However, the fire does not scorch my
body, nor incinerate the emptiness, it only slides
down the marble sculpture my body feels to be
(equivalent to the concrete barrier that builds behind my eyes)

Under the pillow, sleeping, dreaming of its certain fate,
My demons scream, they're drinking my sanity away from me. I need an escape.
The oasis of that reflective body, forcing me to witness who I'll never be. Giving me the images of everyone I have deceived and turned my back on.
But what catharsis
to finally release these pictures taunting me, as I dive through them into the deep.
So I can drown in this pain I can't control
Or tread through the water back to my sanctuary.

Coral leaflets sway through my attention, singing with the wind's path. Lemon accents separate as sting rays of warmth and light swim toward the earth. 88 degrees tickle my skin as small beads begin to perch upon my brow, patiently, until they join the body of crisp bits between myself and the trees around. Or it may simply evaporate into the embrace of Autumn.
Above, black veins creep through the lemon and coral maze, snuggly holding onto their nestlings, ready at any moment to let them fly.

The mason trudges on
night and day to finish
his masterpiece. Clockwork,
he waits like a prisoner
yearning
for the jurisdiction to
fall in his favor. Each
opportunity: he will steal it.
Adhesive to stone and
metal support:
This wall will not
fall. No, this one he will not
let dissemble. Opposing the
prior ruin, plagued
with age and abuse,
the once damaging blows
instead drive this puzzle together.

Attend carefully.
Every door slammed behind
to shut me out,
Each painful stab in your glace
lancing through my chest, into
the black cavity life has consumed
into me.
He will work
to layer his project, this
projection of my cautions, until
the last glimmer of light disappears
behind the last stone in the
last wall. Now a true prisoner,
my mind lies
in contentment.

I want to feel, yet
I want to die..no
I just want to go back
  to an easier time.
When life made sense
When people were there
When you didn't have to worry
  if they even cared.
If not for now, then what?
If not here, where would I be?
If I'd changed my mind in the beginning
  I know this wouldn't be me.
She brings me back down when
She holds my hand in hers
She usually keeps these feelings
  from getting so much worse.
Home isn't where the heart is and
Home won't set me free
Home won't stop my aching chest
  or **** this insanity.

Blurred vision through clouded eyes
ruining these moments again and again
This happiness can't last,
not with the way my brain works.

And it's funny because I am happy,
mostly,
But when I am I can't always feel it;
that kills me inside.

When I'm sad though my mind tends to
blow everything out of proportion;
I either crave to freely relapse
or to end it all.
Self-abortion.

Silence surrounds                                                        ­    The sun still shines
but loneliness cannot exist                                               on this perfect day
Not in a place                                                            ­            except, too often,
where time never quits.                                                       no children play.
It's unfortunate                                                      ­                 The empty park
that bit by decaying bit                                                    beyond these walls
our generations keep                                                             cries in memory
losing grip.                                                            ­             of laughs and falls.
It's a terrifying thought that                                                             ­ But wait,
when asked "what time is it?"                      does hope approach at dawn?
it'll seem foreign and insane                               He pauses to finish a text..
to glance at my wrist.                                                    And then he is gone.

An hour of terror
lost, and fighting.
Even under the eminent cerulean sky
the truth of shadows remains.
Light means nothing here,
where tumbleweeds turn to wolves,
and the slightest brush
is enough
to scare me from my skin.

Enough is enough!
In fear and no faith
I cannot face these demons again.
They say He'll save me
and tell me to find the light
but all he is, a godling,
the origin of this fight.

Sandy footsteps turn to pounding
against the hard porch steps of my nearing tomb..
Match and gas
Gas and match
and a shaky grasp.

I stop, run my fingertips over the veneer of the stair
once more.
Flick.

My liquid savior kindles so quickly
Flames engulf the world
But wait,
still dark..
He's here.

Cold Coca Cola at midnight,
Steaming showers and dripping floors,
Meeting her lips in the morning,
And holding her close like I adore.
Surviving without judgement,
And talking without censors,
Absorbing every moment,
Knowing it may not last forever.

Never is it flawless:
Sometimes mistakes call to fights,
But with patience and understanding,
Broken words can mend by night;
Kissing away the burning tears,
And sacrificing time to stay,
Hugging through the creeping fears,
But knowing tomorrow brings a new day.

And never before
Would I have allowed someone this close,
And I know in my heart,
I never want to let this girl go.

White, my hands of ice
Warmed by the chilled blade upon my palm.
A touch of red
Blurs pink.
No light,
Just white, and fade
The frozen air begins to warm
as the water drips from my soul
onto the bedroom floor.

Rock and mortar coat the halls
joining the dust upon the walls
Broken frames and shattered glass
A storm had come, destruction lasts
But beauty holds to the eyes that see
that sometimes endings set you free
A crack now cavernous
its depths threaten ravenously
Shudders, no tremors
Feel the violence
the world around you
succumbs to silence
               ...
               ...
...and then it speaks.
For once it all makes sense:
The pain and struggle have finally left
And you see it once, maybe twice
But it's there.
In her eyes you realize
You truly care.

Sometimes bad things happen when you let people in:
It’s easy to be fooled by your feelings within
And harder to really see what hides beneath the skin.
Building up walls is simple and hasty
The perfect defense if used with strategy
But after time it won’t be so easy.
People try to break your barrier
The damage makes the threat even scarier
And you run because you know you can no longer carry her.
What’s the point in trying to protect your heart?
When you and everyone will always stay apart
Because your “genius” walls aren’t so smart.
She’ll give up when you keep lying
And you’ll blame her for “not trying”
Cause you now feel like you’re dying.
So stop fighting and watching your own mind
You’d be surprised at what you’d find
When you let her in blind.

Those nights when I feel like dying
No escape from my sadness or from myself
When you're supposed to be there
When you were supposed to care.
I figured you knew me well enough by now
To be able to notice when I'm losing it
Just laying here, wishing on a star
That something will come put an end to it all.
It hurts me to know that I truly don't know
That even you fall with those I shouldn't trust..
Because I tell you about everything
And find out you're returning nothing.
I feel so alone here and I can't cope
All these emotions to untangle
Surrounded by others with no one to confide in
And then to realize i might be losing my best friend.
If there's such a thing as crazy
Well then I'm well past insane
And if you need me, that's great
But, unfortunately, it's too late.

Why can't I control my mind?
I'm alone and anger is all I can find.
Each day the evil spreads
Deep into my heart and inside my head.
I'm unsure of where it rose first
I only feel it digging deep, getting worse.
I hate everything I see
No. I hate me.
I'm the worst, most days
Easy to see why people don't stay.
I treat everyone terribly
Unfortunately, even my own family.
So "he" can reject me at the Gates of Heaven
I swear Hell can't be much worse than the places that I've been.
Day after day drag out and in
Clawing and tearing and wearing my skin.
Oh where did I go?
When did I get surrounded in this never ending snow.
Blizzards of pain and confusion
It's too clear to me now that I'm no longer losing
I've lost.

If you ever think about me and it hurts,
I'm sorry but you did this to yourself.
I tried, gave it my all,
and it wasn't enough for you.
I don't regret trying and failing,
because you were worth every attempt:
You helped me out of a bad place and,
despite the fact that you put me back into a darker one,
I am no longer afraid of the darkness.
So I'm sorry I was wrong,
and hopefully your decision reflects what you truly desire in life.
I hope you can find light in the situation,
as I have begun to do;
If you ever need me,
I'm still here if no one else is around
to catch you if you fall.

I'm so confused
No I don't understand
Because who I see here
Is Not who I am.
Reflections tell a story
The one everyone sees
But if you look deeper inside
There's much more left to be.
We're told when we're young
That anything is possible
But society continues
To declare dreams improbable.
I don't hate who I am
Just who I see in the mirror
For these thoughts I keep hidden:
They provoke too much fear.
I want to be normal
Young and happy
But I can't figure out
If I'm really me.
I make a decision
Decide on a label
That is until
New cards hit the table.

Red is blood and found in fire
but it's also passion
a burning desire.
See Red isn't always so bad:
those flowers in the light
reminding of better days we've had.
Petals may begin to fall
with time and wear,
but this happens to us all.
Time also brings forth a spring
the rain clearing and cleansing,
repairing everything.
I know things seem crazy and queer,
but I promise your spring will come,
and through it all I'm always here.
You're afraid of what's real,
and trying to cope as best you can,
believe me, I understand how you feel
Employing thorns as your defense,
you damage your mind fighting for control
as you force everyone to keep their distance.
Just promise not to push me away
when you throw everyone out;
let me be the one to help you stay.

My life
Full of lonely nights you'll never see
The scars on my skin
Tell a story no one knows.
Nothing matters anymore
And I'm not who I want to be
So what is the point
To keep pushing forward?
I'm gone forever
At least on the inside
And it's crazy that no one could tell
If they didn't know me well enough.
Even those who have been around
Can't see how much I hide
And they just think I am happy
With a little pass of sad here and there.
Slowly I've lost my flair
To pretend that I'm not this bad
And it keeps going down, down
Falling out of my grasp.
But if you were to look into my head
Anyone would believe me mad
But sometimes I'm okay
And sometimes the moon shines blue.

Sitting here trying to make small talk, I'm going insane, we're all insane.
Broken topics over chips and salsa, god its so bizarre, I don't understand how "normal" we all are.
I keep my mouth semi-full so I'm unable to speak, I can't stand myself, ****, why am I so weak?
Why does this bother me so? It's like no one even knows,
the truth,
be told it's a mess, I can't stand too much more of this, someone relieve me from this **** before it makes me sick..
All the underlying problems...drink to numb the pain but those same drinks taketh life away.
And I don't mean with death, for life still moves on, but it's broken into pieces and it's better off gone.
Cause one needs it to stay strong and the other knows that lifestyle is wrong:
Substances don't bring you happiness, they don't fix your pain, they ruin relationships and families all the same.
But we sat and we talked, topics in no particular range, and what hurts is seeing how things both have and haven't changed.
The connection is there, but the love has departed; neither hope nor intention to go back and restart it.
And now we're driving away and nothing is said, no mention of the insanity that hides in my head,
No acknowledgement to the tears I watch my own mom fight back..similar to the sick truth the whole situation lacked.

Who are you?
You sit here most every week
With a smile on your face
Yet you barely even speak.
Why are you around?
I can never understand
And it's not getting any better
With your words guiding my hand.
You whisper your desires
Daring me to try your ways
Unaware of the struggle you cause
And the pain brought each day
You don't belong here
I try to scream
You don't hear
Because you are me.
So give me some answers
To the questions i don't dare voice
Because i am you
And I've been given no choice.
You keep me awake at night
And asleep in class
You tug at my thoughts
Until i force you to pass
But you won't stay gone long
For you are a part of me
And i still can't accept you,
My burdening identity.

I throw everyone aside
As though I can survive on my own;
I try to hard to restrain what's inside,
Forcing myself to suffice all alone.
Look into my eyes
As I push farther away
All the things I'm trying to hide
And the friends I silently beg to stay.
Lately I feel near to nothing,
Only anger and emptiness within me,
Yet equally I feel almost everything
(Emotionally only, not physically).
So often I'm lost in my mind's persistent shadows,
fighting everyone out from my incessant hell,
This knife seems to be the only friend I  know,
And now I'll even push that away as well.

My insides feel like they're dying
As my first real chance at love
Makes her way to a new life.
I can't breathe well and my heart's really trying
To keep up with my mind
And the thoughts that race inside
Heavy hearted sorrow
There's nothing else inside
So little energy available to me
When I finally realize there's no tomorrow
Not for us, and not for all
***** that our lives had to turn out this way.

Alone I ponder of how life works,
Giving me exactly what I've wanted
Then taking it away just as quickly.
Now, miles away, I still think of that night;
Things made sense for a moment.
In the dark, music playing,
We didn't have to say much.
For we knew how we felt together:
Alive.
As our lips met i couldn't help but smile,
I felt it in my heart.
And I don't feel much anymore.