Scrolling through the past
It reminds us of who we once were
And who we've become
We had almost forgotten we had
And we'd shared them with the world
And we didn't do half bad
I thought I'd never escape her
Her iron grip leaving bruises where she held us
But we did
We made it
Life got a little better for it too
We aren't fixed
We are still sad
We still have depression
But it's not as bad as it was
She's gone from our lives
And she dares to call herself a fighter
I was scrolling through my old poems, and I was reading one comment on my poem "Cuts" from when I was stuck with the woman who abused me every chance she got. If you're reading this, it got better. I'm not healed yet, but it has gotten better. To those of you who've stayed with me this long: Thank you
If I'm going to die someday anyway
I guess I might as well stay
So I guess I'll stay
Ready to live another day
Start to dance and play
Live life to the fullest
Even though it hurts
So when I finally lay down to rest
I'll be proud of the life I lead
We're all going to die
Please don't rush it
Use what little time you have
To the fullest
this is what i've become
time has no meaning for me anymore
not enough hours in the day
and it's all your fault
you started the chain reaction
i am lucky to have a night without dreams
i blame you for my scarred soul
that would flicker like a candle in a breeze
in the wake of another bad dream
stemming from my broken heart
i am terrified to sleep
i want you to wake up crying like me
just to understand what you did to me
i'd like to see you do it
get your heart obliterated
but you've spread so many false feelings
i doubt that you have a heart to obliterate
that's all changing now
one single message
that's all it takes for me to smile
for the particles of my heart to solidify
and beat faster once more
that one single message
full of care, and true worry
for my sanity
for the darkening circles under my eyes
i'm not so scared to sleep anymore
he rubs my knee while I snore
wakes me when i whimper or cry
his fingers drawing circles on my palm
make goosebumps explode over my skin
for once, i have pleasant dreams
hardly appropriate considering how
his kisses take me to another plane
those brown eyes make me weak
he's more than you could ever be
someone i can trust with my heart
and with my dreams
he's willing to wait for me
keep me safe
make me smile
i can't remember the last time I felt
let alone comfort from a boy's hug
i could sleep right there
on his shoulder
without a single care
the odd night comes around
i finally get to sleep at a time
that's considered reasonable
you creep back into my dreams
to rip my heart out all over again
this time, i imagine him there
warm arms circle my waist
cold hands hold mine
my dreams melt away as my eyes focus
the dark makes it hard but
white eyelashes flutter on his face
as he tugs me closer
and smiles to himself
when i curl into him and close my eyes.
There was a man masquerading as me,
But I caught him by the collar
And wrenched him out!
No wrongs to right, no lost love to mourn,
I must concoct an awful lot of falsified accounts.
But why should I neglect my life,
For self-burnt homes and hidden doubts?
recovery isn’t cool.
it is exhausting,
terrifying and scary.
to know you have to
lose control completely,
you used to do,
before you are able
to get it back again.
even getting out of bed
is a challenge.
and some days i fail.
but that’s okay,
i’m slowly getting better.
at my own speed.
i’m also learning to have
more faith in what will
come my way and
will not stay.
I kept punishing myself for not being whole after four years
But I didn’t realize that if I never spoke about it
I was never going to get any where in my recovery
So I finally began the process to victory
It is one of the hardest things I have ever put myself through
I am grateful for each tear I am shedding
Because I know they get me one step closer to being new
For every panic attack and punishment I have done to myself
I apologize for not beginning my path to recovery sooner
I am a work in progress and I am getting better
Recently I have been dealing with doubts about what my life philosophy is.
I love people- I want to spread kindness and love and support and one day actually help people
(Possibly save people's lives)
But then I think about how much I have changed over these years - specifically the last year and a half. I have become someone different than who I was coming out of high school and starting college.
Yeah, it's pretty ******* "normal" for that to happen...but for me it was like an identity crisis. For me it was like the facets of how I understood my ego were falling apart and I was a caricature of who I once was.
But get this:
Since then I have found a happiness beyond what I thought was happiness. I have found some sort of reasoning to live beyond academic success and maintaining an image that is supposed to be perfect. I am learning that my flaws are making me beautiful. I am learning that sometimes I am not even that flawed. I am learning that I don't need to have all my **** together..
Because what is the point of living this life and learning new things everyday if I already did have all my **** together?
I battled with expanding my horizons and what I really wanted out of life. I dabbled with breaking straight edge and found some weird solace in psychedelics. I learned to be honest with myself. But that maybe I can be honest with other people too.
I found love at a different level that I can't convey to people - and I don't even ******* care if people understand.
I found an internal happiness that I want to radiate out but still get too afraid to do that because what if it all falls apart?
But maybe I can become a bit more confident.
Maybe I can bend my own twisted ideas and break a cycle I used to find myself into -
Because I am getting better.
So, if I were to explain my new life philosophy..
I would say:
It's ok to not be ok -
And things pass -
Bad things don't last
And people can break through
Like glass -
But if in some way we break,
We can be repaired.
Because we aren't stalled
And our past
The future -
A neon light
Colors the future in hues.
Our reality is what we make of it now,
And how we can learn from it later.
So live, and learn.
And shine on,
You crazy diamond.
Whoa is this a manifesto?