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If I'm going to die someday anyway
I guess I might as well stay
So I guess I'll stay
Ready to live another day
Start to dance and play
Live life to the fullest
Even though it hurts
So when I finally lay down to rest
I'll be proud of the life I lead
We're all going to die
Someday
Please don't rush it
Stay
Use what little time you have
To the fullest
this is what i've become
sleepless
time has no meaning for me anymore
not enough hours in the day
and it's all your fault
you started the chain reaction
i am lucky to have a night without dreams
i blame you for my scarred soul
that would flicker like a candle in a breeze
in the wake of another bad dream

nightmares
stemming from my broken heart
i am terrified to sleep
i want you to wake up crying like me
just to understand what you did to me
i'd like to see you do it
get your heart obliterated
eviscerated
but you've spread so many false feelings
i doubt that you have a heart to obliterate

that's all changing now
one single message
that's all it takes for me to smile
for the particles of my heart to solidify
and beat faster once more
that one single message
full of care, and true worry
for my sanity
for the darkening circles under my eyes
for me
i'm not so scared to sleep anymore

he rubs my knee while I snore
wakes me when i whimper or cry
his fingers drawing circles on my palm
make goosebumps explode over my skin
for once, i have pleasant dreams
hardly appropriate considering how
his kisses take me to another plane
those brown eyes make me weak
he's more than you could ever be
a gentleman
someone i can trust with my heart
and with my dreams

he's willing to wait for me
keep me safe
make me smile
i can't remember the last time I felt
anything
let alone comfort from a boy's hug
i could sleep right there
on his shoulder
without a single care

but then

the odd night comes around
i finally get to sleep at a time
that's considered reasonable
you creep back into my dreams
to rip my heart out all over again
except
this time, i imagine him there
warm arms circle my waist
cold hands hold mine
my dreams melt away as my eyes focus
the dark makes it hard but
white eyelashes flutter on his face
as he tugs me closer
and smiles to himself
when i curl into him and close my eyes.
Bruce Demos Apr 8
There was a man masquerading as me,
But I caught him by the collar
And wrenched him out!
Bruce Demos Apr 8
No wrongs to right, no lost love to mourn,
I must concoct an awful lot of falsified accounts.
But why should I neglect my life,
For self-burnt homes and hidden doubts?
Louise Feb 24
recovery isn’t cool.
it is exhausting,
terrifying and scary.
to know you have to
lose control completely,
over everything
you used to do,
before you are able
to get it back again.

most days,
even getting out of bed
is a challenge.
and some days i fail.
but that’s okay,
i’m slowly getting better.
at my own speed.
i’m also learning to have
more faith in what will
come my way and
what eventually
will not stay.

l. h.
Parker Poole Feb 20
I kept punishing myself for not being whole after four years
But I didn’t realize that if I never spoke about it
I was never going to get any where in my recovery
So I finally began the process to victory
It is one of the hardest things I have ever put myself through
I am grateful for each tear I am shedding
Because I know they get me one step closer to being new
For every panic attack and punishment I have done to myself
I apologize for not beginning my path to recovery sooner
I am a work in progress and I am getting better
Alex Smith Jan 8
Recently I have been dealing with doubts about what my life philosophy is.
Yeah,
Sure,
I love people- I want to spread kindness and love and support and one day actually help people
(Possibly save people's lives)
But then I think about how much I have changed over these years - specifically the last year and a half. I have become someone different than who I was coming out of high school and starting college.
Yeah, it's pretty ******* "normal" for that to happen...but for me it was like an identity crisis. For me it was like the facets of how I understood my ego were falling apart and I was a caricature of who I once was.
But get this:
Since then I have found a happiness beyond what I thought was happiness. I have found some sort of reasoning to live beyond academic success and maintaining an image that is supposed to be perfect. I am learning that my flaws are making me beautiful. I am learning that sometimes I am not even that flawed. I am learning that I don't need to have all my **** together..
Because what is the point of living this life and learning new things everyday if I already did have all my **** together?
I battled with expanding my horizons and what I really wanted out of life. I dabbled with breaking straight edge and found some weird solace in psychedelics. I learned to be honest with myself. But that maybe I can be honest with other people too.
I found love at a different level that I can't convey to people - and I don't even ******* care if people understand.
I found an internal happiness that I want to radiate out but still get too afraid to do that because what if it all falls apart?
But maybe I can become a bit more confident.
Maybe I can bend my own twisted ideas and break a cycle I used to find myself into -
Because I am getting better.
So, if I were to explain my new life philosophy..
I would say:
It's ok to not be ok -
Things come,
And things pass -
Bad things don't last
And people can break through
From chains
Binding them,
Without shattering
Like glass -
But if in some way we break,
We can be repaired.
Because we aren't stalled
Or hopeless
And our past
Doesn't color
The future -
No,
A neon light
So bright,
Colors the future in hues.
Our reality is what we make of it now,
And how we can learn from it later.
So live, and learn.
And shine on,
You crazy diamond.
Whoa is this a manifesto?
Is it just me,
or has this life labeled me,
as this happy shiny person,
glimmering and shimmering in the sun.
Yet how could this be,
when no matter how shiny I could seem,
nothing can glimmer in the darkness.
Just because I may be,
the only one who can see
the gloom and blackness pressing in,
doesn't mean it not present.
Don't get me wrong, I know
That all of this is just in my head,
I know I make up all these metaphors and similes
to better understand
what going on in my own mind,
whats trapped inside my brain.
I hope I'm not being overdramatic,
I have my good days too,
when the light and warmth
of my family and friends
gets me through the day,
shines light upon the mind.
Yet when I'm alone,
pondering all my faults and fear,
I can feel this darkness pushing on
I can feel the blackness enveloping my head,
wrapping around my chest,
ceasing my breathing
corrupting my thoughts.
I just have to remember the darkness will pass,
to breathe,
to take a second,
and be thankful for all of the things I have.
I just have to step back,
look at my life as a whole,
instead of focusing on the past.
I like this metaphor a lot. I've always been described as a happy and shiny person, and I might appear that way to people around me, but when I can feel this invisible, yet present, darkness around me, it can be hard to see this happiness and glimmer that people always describe me as having.
I'm on an island in my mind.
For most of my life,
The island was great
Nothing but sunshine and smiles my way
Then the island started to get smaller.
Slowly at first, the wind just picking up
Then faster it went, the waves crashing in,
The eroding was happening way too fast.
Yet I wanted it to go faster.
I urged the waves on, giving them power and fuel.
The island started to collapse,
Telling me it had enough, it couldn't do it anymore.
It gave in. And I hated it for it.
I punished it more and more, feeling the guilt and shame.
I could feel it working. It was all going according to plan.
Then why did I feel so empty?
So controlled and fixated,
That nothing else in my life was enjoyable.
Just centered on this one thing. Nothing else.
Suddenly it came to me.
The smaller and smaller the island got,
The more unsteady the ground became,
The less room I had to stand.
But then I realized I knew this the whole time.
Just the crashing of the waves was drowning it out.
What was wrong with me?
I command the waves to stop, but they had grown a mind of there own.
They lost the power from me, but the momentum kept them going.
They pounded away relentlessly,
I needed someones to help slow them down.
But I couldn't. The fear of shame kept me back.
I knew I could do this by myself. I had too.
Slowly, so slowly, I pushed up against the waves
I slowed them down, I built my island back up again.
One grain of sand at a time,
Until my life was normal again.
But it would never be the same.
I will always be able to hear the crashing of the waves.
This poem is about an eating disorder that I had. I hope you like it.
A Rivers Aug 2018
Sometimes I don't want friends I just want to be left alone
And sometimes forget that I often forge my face from stone
Not letting people see what probably ought to be known
But it's easier for me sitting on my bramble throne
And as the thorns dig in I often snap awake
Lonliness is hell, you know this all to well for ***** sake
Craving what made you miserable goes against us being fixable
And I've tried too ******* hard too give up now!
Pull the thorns from your skin and let it bleed out!
You will get better and face it with a howl!
Fighting everyday to ignore your sadness and doubt
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