People use faith to keep themselves from hating life
They say that lack of a following of a religion constitutes as "evil"
Yet life itself is evil.
Hatred seeds from prior hatred
Like dominos, everyone falls
But faith and religion act as a harness
And a suit of armor
Keeping everyone safe from the evils of life
Yet evil is truth
So they can remain in their world of lies and comfort
Hypocritically hating, just as they claim to detest
I'll live on the outside, in evil per say
You can fuel the fire, judge me forever
I'll let you be and go my own way.

Do you ever feel like forgetting everyone?
Just throwing every friend away like it's nothing?
Often it seems as though I'm nothing to them
So why not be just that?
***** being a nice person
***** everyone taking you for granted
And just do what's best for yourself for once.
Why should i feel like this?
I guess once i can't do anything for someone anymore
It seems the time to move on and let them forget.
I feel as though i am nothing
And it seems they feel the same
So why stick around.

As quickly as it came to me
It falls away just the same
I can't figure out why life
Has such a hit on my heart.
I don't just lose my girl
I also lose a close friend
And at the same time
Everything else too.
I'll never understand why
Every time i try to love
The chance gets ripped away
My insides shredded in a million parts.
Nothing left to salvage
Too ******* up to make a life
And so sick of everything ******* up
Now i don't know what's left to do.

And all of a sudden you wake up one morning and everything has changed
No one cares anymore
And there's nothing you can do except try to take it all in
And Try not to lose your mind

I wish things weren't like this
Wish I didn't worry this way
I'm running away  from what I fear
Every ******* day.
But when I'm with you, it's crazy
My whole opinion twists apart
No longer is the world there too
Just you and I, until we part.
I may have ******* up big time
But in the end it'll be alright
No matter what the result it,
The reasoning was right.

Dear gorgeous
Dear love
Dear liar
Dear *****
Dear ****
You ******* liar
You let my heart break
After four pointless months
Pointless because you stopped giving a ****
Long before it ended.
So ****, thought i could have loved you
Guess not, so its time to move on
Although it hurts pretty bad
I know you must not be right
I may be beyond ******* sad
But most goodbyes are.
So i guess ill just say **** it
Im used to being alone anyways
It just hurts that you'd ******* stay for the one thing i hate most
Pity.
So ***** you
Go ***** off
Im done with people
I can't take this **** much longer
Believe me
Im dying inside but I'll laugh on the outside
Burying the tears under forced smiles and glazed eyes
I can't believe it still..
That it's all over...
That you were just like the rest..
Although you said you'd be different.
I ******* laid myself open to you raw
All you did was use those things as an excuse to stay around when you knew you didn't want to.
When i told you, I was surprised that you stayed
And you asked what people I've been around before
Apparently ones like you.
Just took you a little longer to get the picture.

I've been laying in my bed at night,
Just laying there wishing for one thing,
Begging to put a bullet in my brain,
And feel all the blood drain.
I'm not quite sure why,
Why only recently I've had this strong of desire;
Depression is worse than ever before,
But comes in waves to prolong this war.
I can see it well:
The lead pulling away my thoughts in its path;
Memories and feelings blown to shreds,
Finally nothing left clouding my head.
As I contemplate last words,
I wonder if death'd come quickly or prolong an extra minute,
For my mind to flash through all the moments of pain and content,
Who knows, in my last breath maybe I'd even feel a bit of regret.

I'm running over in my head everything i want to say to you
But I can never get it out when we're face to face
Because whenever I look in your eyes
Everything disappears
And it's clear
That there's something about you that I can't face losing.

At this moment i feel the whole world caving around me,
Everything is closing in on my mind,
As i face memories of times passed
That are never to return.
It seemed easy then, but, looking back, we should have stayed those extra minutes,
Not been so quick to get home again.
Because now home is hard to face,
And it gets more tiring every day,
Trying to sit here and pretend that everything is alright,
That it's not a fight with time.
But the only ease is in the past,
Yet in those moments we felt no such thing.
I guess there's no winning anymore;
Time takes us all.

It's mind versus defenses
Nowhere near consensus
Except that something is wrong in the offenses.
My memory is burning away
Strained and begging to stay
Rarely able to remember what happened yesterday.
I can't do this forever
It's a detriment to me and her
And it's destroying me for sure.
There's no way to apologize
For this situation's size
Because I'm under that much disguise.
There's no turning back this time
The decisions have been all mine
And it's the time for me to shine.
Only in the light of a liar
And I've already began to tire
But I swear no one will see my desire.
No, no one could even try;
As they believe the lie
They'll never see how much I really want to die.

I'm going ******* nuts
Crazy as hell
Thoughts turn over themselves
In no sort of order.
I say it's just that time
Seasonal depression is terrible
But to be honest I just can't admit
That I need help with this disorder.
I'm afraid
Because I know what I'm capable of
The difference this time is what's on the line
And it's never been this bad before.
I feel it intensifying
And even worse I've made a critical decision
(No longer letting people see that something is wrong)
And I know there will be consequences in store.
I've got the mask prepared
I've become too open lately
To the point where it happens on its own
And now it's provoked an internal war.

I feel a train approaching
Headed straight for my soul
A tiger ready to pounce
And rip it bare to shreds,
Well whatever remains i suppose.

Sadly I know the origin well
Of these worries of terror
And it's all my fault.
I really hate myself sometimes,
For the things I need of her.

I'm sorry
I just need someone there
I don't seem the same now as I was before
But deep down i promise I'm still here
It's just hard sometimes to see that you care.

It's not your fault at all
No you were unaware of the scratches
That lie beneath the surface
Of a painted door
With tampered latches.

I know we're not perfect
That's not of my intention
I want to fall in love
With you
And all of your imperfections.

Forgive me for being weak
And having issues greater than you expected
But if there was any a hope
For me to truly love you
You needed to understand the ways I'm affected.

So if this ends for my actions
And you no longer can handle me
I will understand
And let you go as you wish
Only pondering on all I hoped we could be.

I'm not going to pull the 'new year, new me' *******
But I'm not saying that I'm going to stay the same.
See I've been slipping up lately
Enough to cause people to start asking questions again.
So I guess you could say 'new year, old me'
Because I'm about to put on the best show of my life.
So a HAPPY new year it will be.

I can't seem to tell
If you're expressing undercover
Or if you're really that ignorant.
How adorable
Watching a pretty girl lie,
******* denial at the teeth.
If I remember correctly
When you were really under covers
I held your gaze.
Maybe you forgot
The way you held me close
Yet never close enough.
Or the way you kissed back
With such a passion
That YOU initiated in the first place.
Take back then your words
Of how okay you felt
for the first time in forever.
Take back the desire you craved
And still do from time to time
In order to keep to your word now.
Sorry sweetheart
You choose your own destiny
And I stopped playing your games long ago.
You made your decision to hide yourself
To deny how much you cared
And gave up your chance for the last time.
So I bid you a good night
And a fair life
Where our memories won't haunt you anymore.
And you can forget about my existence
I'll make it easy for you now
You've clearly made your choice.

I feel the need cry
But I can't tell why
Besides the fact of wanting to die
(Except that that makes me feel alright.)
I swear up and down I'm fine
No one sees I'm on the line
Dwindling on something hard to define
Darker than the night.
I'm so sorry
You deserve so much better than me
I'm no longer all that I can be
And nothing near what you need.
Hey maybe I love you
But what is love to do
When there's no feeling to prove it's true
And I'm gone past crazy.
So maybe I'm going to hell
Who am I to tell?
Can there be much worse than this spell?
Depression never leaves anymore.
****, I can't do this
Death is my underlying wish
And I'm nothing to miss
So why drag it out even more?
"No," I apologize,
"That's not wise"
Oh, don't you just love those lies?
Kiss my lips to seal the deal.
Oh no, no worries here
Don't fear
My dear,
I'll see you again.
(But you may luck out
And not have to return the favor then...)

I'd like to say you've made me crazy
But that would give you too much mind
I really can't speak much of you
Without making my emotions too quick to find.
I hate you, but i don't
I can't stand you, which is true
But for whatever lost reason
My thoughts still fall on you.

Lived for me;
Reasoning says
to die just the same.

I was always the dreamer type
Falling into all the fantasies' hype.
So hopeful of what the future would bring
But you spoke of things you'd never mean.
Eyes of a child with the sun shining bright
I never believed clouds would ruin my sight.
Now here we are,
Life's just a scar;
Only a fading line that we can never get back
And soon enough we forget and lose track.
Years pass and each brings us farther away
Forgetting dreams of how coincided our lives would stay.
So long ago, long lost memories
Of just how close we both used to be.
Then one day comes along
And everything returns with lyrics of a song.
With so much emotion surfaced to feel
Your heart's scars are suddenly not so healed.
And you cry, oh how you cry
And your grandchild asks you why.
So begins the sad tragedy
Of a friendship that used to be.

This is probably the most frustrating feeling I've known,
Because writing just lets everything go.
Looks like there's too much going on at once to even think clearly anymore.
All i want to do is let it all go,
And I know there's another way,
But my mind keeps telling me no.
Even as my hands yearn for the cold plastic of the handle of that knife,
A thought comes through:
Have I traded my ability for some sick craving,
Both have the same results anyways,
So why not?
*****.

.                                                        I'm sorry.
                                                         ­                                      Sorry to you first
and sorry to her.
                                                            ­                               Sorry I wasn't able to
                                                              ­                           help you at your worst
but also to her for showing up in a blur.
                                                           ­                                                    I'm sorry,
                                                          ­                                         don't think I just
                                                            ­                                  chose her over you:
                                                            ­                                          It's much more
                                                            ­                                            than that too.
I'm sorry you don't know me yet
and won't know what to expect.
                                                         ­                                         Sorry I won't say
                                                             ­                                                   goodbye
      ­                                                                 ­                              I know too well
                                                            ­                 that you're always at my side
Forgive me if I lose my mind,
if in the end,
I'm not what you'd thought you'd find.
                                           *I promise I will stay strong
                                               No matter what it takes
                                     On my own it may not last for long
                                       But with you I will for your sake.

Does it make me a murderer.
if I know he's going to see decease?
I've tried and tried but
one can only fight so long for peace.
Before all the battles and repressed memories
run themselves out of space.
And when everything in life fades away
because stress forces all your day's thoughts to erase.
He begged me to tell him to leave
something I would never say.
But is not doing what he asked
just the same anyways?
He told me I could save him
because he can't live without me.
No bother reminding him that I'm here
I know too well what he really means.
I knew exactly what he wanted
what he said could be an assist.
But I couldn't do that to her
no matter how he would persist.

Try, Try, Try
They keep telling me to TRY
Haven't I tried enough?
No, even I don't believe that.
But there's this point when requests become ridiculous
When trying to fill them gets you nowhere but into trouble
So you know you can't;
I know I can't.
Try to think about death
about losing your best friend.
Try to imagine that
imagine the next day;
The sun comes up and you realize it hasn't,
Not for all.
Now try to picture his darkness,
Try to picture yours.
*and tell me to try again..

Dear God,
If there is a god
Why aren't you listening?
I'm not going to sit here and question "why me?"
No, I've accepted my life for what it is.
But I'd like to know why them?
Why are you going to let my best friends die?
If you're so great and powerful,
Then why don't you save them?
show some pity and give them something?
Some reason, some sort of hope to keep going.
I'm trying.
I'm trying harder than you can imagine.
Trying to do what they say your job is.
They need a light, a reason to live, and they
Can't find it.
I'm doing all that I can.
But it isn't enough.
They still want to die, still see no point in living,
But I hope you know that if they go I'll be soon to follow
They're my life, besides my family, Hell they are family.
I don't sit here and wonder "why me?"
Instead I break the silence with screams of
Why NOT me?
Why do they have to suffer and I have things going well?
Why take them? What did they do to deserve this?
I'm the sinner. The one who should die, not them
God how can you take them and
Leave me here to die anyways?
Why not take me and spare them the sorrow?
I hope you know you're taking three lives with you that night.

Content, clarity, no calling home
Surrounded snugly in sunshine’s roam
What naturally burns is saving
Cleansing the soul in its raving
Yet somber shadows induce chills of night
And the sun regresses in imperative flight
The moon brings forth its calming glow
So soon It’s realized she’s all alone
The gnawing proceeds from deep in her mind
Progressing forward without a bind.

Dropping, drifting, dying leaves
Just like their path her thoughts shall weave
To and fro between a mood
Sweet and caring turned suddenly rude
Cold winds lead to a chilling sight
Everything’s changed but It says all is right
Soon the world blends together as one
No longer touched by the warmth of the sun
Temperatures drop and so does her head
Leaden with sorrow as she makes for her bed.

Empty, endlessly enduring days
Isolation extends but it’s deemed okay
Dreams die, concealed by snow
She wants to leave but cannot go
Icy winds blowing cold as her heart
Frozen solid and wishing to part
Getting used to the pain
With no hope to gain
Too weak to worry with no emotions felt
She’s forced to awaken as the world starts to melt.

Free and flowering fields now bring
Hope to the girl who could not sing
Coming from the showering rain
The healing waters break through the pain
Finally she’s found the truest way
To stop and force her problems away
Soon enough she’s rediscovered her smile
And returns to the friends she hasn’t seen in a while
Oh but It’s smart, much smarter than we
So smart that nobody could ever have seen

Greatly, gladly going home
Swimming deep in water’s foam
A calm, warm night has come to cease
Their world is frantic while hers sees peace
Searching hard for a missing girl
Reaching the river, their stomachs curl
Soaking, dripping, they find what’s wrong
Realizing now how long she’s been gone
Eroding sadness, consumed by pain
Now they can feel what she did every day.

Sitting in silence
Waiting for sound.
You know it's promised
And soon will be found.
Either the vibration of a gun shot
Or that of my phone,
Will tell me the ending
Here (or not) alone.
The silence is taunting
Then an explosion breaks free
But it's only some fireworks;
Scared the **** out of me.
He is not lying
No, not this time
This could be his end
And mentally mine.
But I feel in my heart
All his hidden strength
I do my best to keep him living
But to what length?
I love him more than most,
That's my best friend
Please don't let him leave us
This isn't the end.

What would you do,
If you knew,
You were what's killing your best friend?

Less than a year now
The count is spiraling down
Soon we'll be gone
Far out of this town.

You never really see
How little time we really hold
Until it's lost
And we've long since grown old.

I thought I'd have no one to leave
Besides those in my family
Then he said those words
"I'm gonna miss you guys like crazy"

Why'd you have to go and make this worse?
Give me more reason to dread our escape
As much as I hate the people of this place
My heart will still be bent out of shape.

I can't help to feel anger
Towards those who said growing up would be fun
Our parents warned being a grown up would ****
But still society poisoned the minds of the young.

And now here I am at 17
Senior year and college plans
A dead bank account and my very best friend
And we're facing the challenges hand in hand

We're scared as ever
Leaving our family and our world behind
To be off on our own
And no longer within parents bind.

Oh it's sad to see the summer go
When we just began having fun
But it's terrifying to think
That soon we won't be so young.
Next year we'll be gone
Out of this town
And away from these people
That we've grown up with all along.
So it's time to make a change
Leave our mark and take control
Scream 'forget it all'
And just let everything go.
And if we don't return someday,
To these streets among our journeys
We still won't forget;
It'll live on forever in our memories.

I can't take all these thoughts
And emotions running through my brain.
It's so much, too much
I think I'm going insane.
So I'll blast my head
With some music and stay,
I'll try to forget the world
And start slipping away.
Not a thing can make this any better for me.
Not a word could help, my heart's taunting me.
I'll just hang on for the ride
For the sun'll come again,
And the darkness will fade away
Along with most of my pain.

There's this battle in my head
Between doing what I want
And feeling like the biggest *****,
Or doing what will make others happier
And then I end up wherever there's left to be.
At least when they're happy I won't feel so selfish.
But then the unhappy thoughts return and I feel it just the same.
I was once told that you can never please everyone,
So why not at least please yourself?
Which sounds pretty genius,
Until I fall into another depressive episode.
Yeah they're just episodes now because it isn't all the time anymore.
I've at least gotten better that way.

Auto pilot;
Droning on through the day
Barely realizing where I work,
Just knowing that that's all I do.

The most feeling I have
Is the bothersome itch
From the Mosquitos
Attacking my legs all night.

Scratches, sores, bruises, scars
Painted across my pale skin.
All from work work work
Except for one.

Funny to see what the years do
To the skin you wear
And that so many scars
Just barely heal.

I see all the signs,
That you're just like the rest.
Should be déjà vu,
cause it's always been the same.

And if history really does repeat itself,
Then I guess it'll be the same end.
Yet I am still willing to try it out,
Just the way I was before.

Such bad habits I have,
To like the wrong people and commit to them the most.
And they're all so similar,
That it's laughable that I keep making the same mistake.

Especially when I have someone great right in front of me,
Who's different than the rest.
One who really cares,
And doesn't hurt me.

But who I hurt instead,
More than a few times.
Yet I can't commit to her,
I can't be who I want and know I can be for her;
I can't be what she deserves.

And I just don't know why.

So maybe I'm attracted to people who are just like me:
Conniving ******* who do what they feel.
Ones who don't care who they hurt in the process,
As long as they're happy in the end.

And I'm sorry to that girl who's been there by my side,
When she's had a million reasons to leave.
The one I keep treating terribly,
Because I can't make up my own mind.

So when this one doesn't work out,
When you turn out just the same as the last.
I'm not gonna keep coming back the way I used to,
I can't do that to her anymore.

She deserves the world,
And I can't even give her half a ******* up  heart.
But I know I can try to be better;
Better for her and better for myself.

And that's a promise I can actually keep.

That amazing moment
When I say I'm fine
And truly mean it.

That feeling of relief
When I no longer feel the anxiety
Tugging at my soul.

That sinking point
When I have to wonder if this is for good
Or just for the night.

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
That I can't love someone who's caused me so much pain.
You ask that the bad out weighs the good,
But you really have no idea.
You have no clue as to how many deep seeded problems I have,
How many issues that could have been avoided,
If you could have just picked me.
If you could have seen the life slipping out of your daughter,
The pain every day brought;
It was deep and kept burrowing,
Deeper and deeper.
Into not just my body but my soul.
Now I pay for it with anxiety
With violence
And don't forget the depression.
But it wasn't my fault right?
Not my fault that I can't break these bad habits she burned into me?
The borderline eating disorder
And the inability for any emotional stability.
So they wonder why I can't let people in.
Hell even I questioned it.
But then I realized,
That in those 5 years of hell,
Wanting to take my life at the age of 12,
I stood on my own.
And I fought my battles without help from ANYONE.
So how can I change that now;
Convince myself that things have changed,
That I'm allowed to be weak for a little bit?
I'm going to fight for this,
Until I'm my own person again.
And I will NEVER be like you,
Or her,
I'd sooner take my own life than to witness that result.

17 years today but it feels like forever more
Yet equally forever less.
Only 30 minutes in and I wish it was over.
Trying to fight tears because I don't deserve what I'm given.
$100 and a guitar may not sound like much to you,
But it means a lot more to me.
And I don't deserve it.
Why should we celebrate,
When those who do so are treated badly half the time?
It's a blessing, not a given right, to continue to age up.
A time for self reflection, not celebration with those who don't give a care the rest of the year.
No need to make a big deal,
It's just another day of the week.
And I'd rather be saying 'I'm sorry' to those who matter
Instead of 'thank you for the birthday wishes' to those who don't.

I can't tear down these walls on my own
But I can stand up and fight these demons all alone.
I know that what I do isn't right
Yet I forget that in the midst each day's fight.
So call me a poser, call me fake
But I only do it for your own sake.
Before you get too attached
And find out I'm no perfect match.
I'll push you out as far as I can
So you won't see how weak I really am.
Then again maybe all I really need
Is for someone to truly see,
That these involuntary walls
Only take the work of two to fall.
It's just no one has found it worth the time
Or had the desire to call me 'Mine'.

Laying in bed with my music on at 2:30 in the morning,
Wishing that I won't have to wake up again tomorrow.
And if I do, hoping that the last few years of my life were only a dream.
One sick, extended nightmare that I can awaken from at any moment,
And everything will be okay again.
*But first I need to fall asleep.

White screens through teary eyes
Trying hard to show him the light.
But I'm afraid I'm too late
And too weak to beat fate.
And if he dies tonight
I don't know how I'd fight,
How I'd keep on going
Without our friendship growing.
So I pray to whoever listens
Please keep strength with him.
Give him the will to go another day
And then again tomorrow until he stays.
I can't make it through this on my own
I love him, please don't leave me alone.
Until the end, I'm along for the ride
Even if it ends in two suicides.

I don't get how you can mean so much to me and to you I am nothing.
I'll just keep pretending you never happened. Like you're not important and that I don't need you for anything, especially my happiness.
While I'm simply burning inside because I know I was wrong.
Well now I'm done with you, done with everyone, as I accept defeat without a fight.