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little lion Jan 2020
I wonder if I'll ever know what it feels like
to wake up each morning
to a life
that's actually worth living.
little lion Oct 2020
I never would have thought that you,
of all people,
would pull a vanishing act on me.

I guess I should have realized
after 12 years of second, third, fourth chances
that you're no different than the rest.
little lion Jun 2021
I had hoped you'd grow fonder,
but instead you've gone farther away.


I wish you'd come back to me.
I miss what we could have been.
little lion Feb 2021
I have taught myself to believe that everything happens for a reason... how else am I supposed to cope with the endless, torturous hurt that barrels through my body day after day,
wearing down my bones the way
trains begin to wear down their tracks;
the piercing shriek of the wheels spinning against
the push of the brakes mimicking the
cry of my legs struggling to hold up the
nineteen year's worth of
trauma and heartache and exhaustion
threatening to come tumbling down onto
the tracks while my
heart is forced to stare helplessly on,
an innocent bystander
to the impending tragedy that will
forever scar her for life as she is
forced to watch me lose mine?
There has to be a reason
little lion Apr 2021
I hope that you choke on the promises that you made me.
Every word,
every plan,
every reassurance that you'd always be there,
every claim that I was yours and yours alone,
I hope that they suffocate you the way that your misplaced love sits on my lungs like a brick, sinking deeper and deeper into my soul with every breath I take and every beat of my heart.

I'll miss you always,
I'll want you always...

but I might just hate you always, too.
**** I know I can't have her and I know she doesn't want me but there's nothing I wouldn't give to be hers.
little lion Jan 2021
someday,
I will be worthy of the
same love
that I bestow onto others.

someday,
I will harbor the
same strength
that I give to others.

someday,
I will feel the
same joy
that I manifest for others.


but until that day,
I will wipe the
same tears,
dry the
same eyes,
bear the
same burden,
and carry on.
little lion Jan 2022
there is a happiness that blooms
life sunflowers in a field,
like fireworks exploding in the sky,
like birds spreading their wings
and teaching their babies to fly.

but there is a darkness that looms
like a storm brewing above,
like a tornado's spinning eye,
like the moon sinking below the clouds
like a mother's mourning cry.

we cannot have life without death,
sun without rain,
there is no warmth without chill,
no love without pain.
little lion Nov 2020
It's nights like these that make feelings of regret creep out of the shadows,
they come in through the cracks in the walls and the space beneath the door and crawl into the crevices in my bones and the pockets of space in my heart that used to be filled by you.

I wrap myself in the words you used to say, reread the messages you used to write and surround myself with the gifts you used to send back when I thought I was special...
back when you made me feel special.

It's nights like these when I can't help but imagine how much warmer I would be if I was in your arms, how much easier I would sleep knowing that I'd be waking up to you: your smile, your jokes, your touch...

But instead of sleeping, my mind continues to replay the moments,
the days,
the weeks,
the weeks and the ******* the months that led to this point, my mind is stuck trying to decipher where things went wrong and trying to determine how we got here and trying to find a way to ask "can we go back?"



I want to go back.
little lion Apr 2018
I wish I could go back the days when
I was more than just a victim,
those days filled with frontflips on trampolines and playdates with friends
never seemed so important

Now the time just passes
ticking by like clockwork
while I sit here waiting for the scars to
heal so that
maybe
I can at least
look
the way I did before.
little lion Oct 2021
I used to lay awake at night and imagine my future;
a big, clean house with an open-concept first floor and a large backyard, with big sliding-glass doors leading onto a beautiful deck where I would one lay sit down with a book and a mug of coffee while watching my beautiful wife run and play with our three children.
I used to picture her coming up onto the deck, smelling of fresh grass, sweat and happiness, with our children in tow
to join me on the wicker chairs.
Our youngest would plop himself into my lap, wrapping his chubby arms around my neck as much as he could and peppering my face with the sort of kisses only a toddler can give.
Our older two would take their own seats, our daughter sitting as far from her sweaty older brother as she can get, while said brother would throw himself down into his chair (with an interjection from my wife to "take it easy, Joey, you don't want to break it!") and ask excitedly what we would be eating for dinner.


bliss.
Now I simply wonder how I'll be able to make my solitude bearable.
little lion Feb 2021
It's funny how the things that used to hurt you
become distant memories
and silly jokes
once you realize that they were never meant to
do any more more than
hurt you.

Sometimes I try to count
just how many tears I wasted,
just how many times I desired to
take my life
over the things that gave me the strength
to face the life I'm living today.

How does one count the cracks in their heart?
I use the scars on my body.
They have faded over the years,
but it's less about the number
and more about the memories:
which ones were supposed to inflict pain,
and which were meant to be an escape?

Maybe someday I'll throw away the keepsakes,
the boxes under my bed filled with my first real heartbreak,
the clothes shared throughout my second,
the pictures taken to scrapbook my third,
and the gifts and letters that hopefully won't become symbols of my fourth.
little lion Jan 2021
it took two months for me to devote my love and loyalty to you.
despite knowing that you had someone who devoted seven year's worth,
I stayed ready, waiting, and hoping to be chosen for once,
just once I want to be somebody's devotion.

seven years, and this is the first time your devotion to her has wavered...
but despite the knowledge that there are other hearts at stake, my devotion to you stands tall and firm and... uncaring.

uncaring that your devotion lies elsewhere, uncaring that the late night promises made weren't truly for me but were simply missteps on your path of uncertainty, uncaring that you were not holding me to hold me, but holding someone because you were not able to hold her, uncaring that making me fall in love with you was nothing more than the result of your misguided attempt to find the romance and intimacy that you thought you had lost with her,
only to realize that you had to make a choice...
and that I wouldn't be chosen.
little lion Nov 2020
how many drinks does it take
to reach a clarity that will last
through the buzz?
how many until I wake up
feeling the same euphoria
that I thought I could only feel
when I was with you?
the one that made happiness thrum in my veins and a smile blinding like sunlight stretch across my face,
how do I get that without you?
I still sleep with your sweatshirt.
little lion Oct 2020
God, what did I do to deserve such a
lonely and hallow existence,
trudging along such a dreary path
with a soul so heavy and beaten
that it is too hard to love?





Why am I so hard to love?
little lion Feb 2023
your shoes next to mine on the rack,
our toothbrushes in the same cup,
the way I know your coffee order
without even having to ask.


sadly,
the good things never last.
little lion Feb 2020
This morning, the world woke up without me.
Daylight crested above the trees, where bird-songs filled the crisp winter air and squirrels began scurrying through frost-bitten yards.
                                                          ­                                Neighbors went about their day, putting children on school buses before bustling themselves to work. The mailman came and left, dropping off packages filled with useless purchases and magazine subscriptions that sit piled in corners, gathering dust.
Hallways filled with swarms of students eager for the final bell. Lockers slammed and classroom seats filled, my desk being the only one left empty
                                                           ­                               (second row from the front, farthest to the right or left, whichever was opposite of the door. Perfect view of the clock, the whiteboard, the teacher, and everyone who entered and exited the room.)
Emails went unanswered, books left unfinished, my room left untouched... a thin layer of dust began to collect atop my existence that went unnoticed.
                                                      ­                                  
Unnoticed by them, unnoticed by you.
You never noticed me, and you never will.
little lion Jan 2020
It's funny how easy it has become
to break someone's heart.

Mere seconds of fingers flying across a keyboard
is enough to shatter their world,
and the only warning they get is
three little dots...

Then there's nothing but silence...
and they're left to pick up the pieces
of the cracks that go deeper
than just the screen.

Cracks that can't be fixed by a kiosk or by mail-order replacement.
No. These cracks...
                                                                ­             they're permanent.
Words seem to hurt more when you have to see them laying in front of you...
little lion Jan 2018
im sick of waiting for you
to
fulfill the promises
that you’ve already broken

stop acting like you want to fix things.
you’ve done
too much
damage already.
little lion Jan 2018
Each morning she took two pills with her breakfast. Both were little capsules, the first one a nasty tan color and the second half white and half blue. They went down easy, followed by a glass of water before the bottles were placed back on the shelf for the next day.
One is for the anxiety, the other is for the depression. She takes them dutifully every day, for without them she is plagued with the kind of darkness that makes your blood run cold and the walls feel like they’re beginning to swallow you inside.
But with them, it is not much brighter. The words of her mother and the insults from her father follow her through the light, casting a shadow that trails behind her. The C- on her math test and the glares from her friends feed the darkness. Each step grows heavier as the shadow grows larger and stronger.
He climbs up onto her shoulders in order to reach the high expectations and the pressure that she stands under each day. They weigh him down, which weighs her down, which leaves her dragging her feet along the pavement while begging for the sweet relief that those stupid orange bottles swear they hold.
The shadow claims her in the night, pounding away at her walls, drawing whimpers and sobs from her lips. The pain is masked by the pleasure he brings her, which is masked by her relief when she wakes up alone the next morning, and then the guilt when she finds him awaiting her presence at the kitchen table.
Two pills, followed by a glass of water and the shadow each morning. Her begging and pleading for him to leave her shatters her resolve, and one cold morning she begins to cry. She throws herself at the world, asking them to please save her from this man, save her from the pain and the fear and the darkness that’s been plaguing her for so long.
One word. Two letters. He swallows her whole.
One glass of water. Two empty bottles. Three numbers bring four sirens.
One sound. One line.
Time of death: 06:04 AM
An assignment from creative writing a couple months back...
little lion Jan 2021
Is there really such a thing as "free time?"
How can there be, when an hour spent practicing "self care" costs two hours of frantic writing and googling to finish an assignment due that very same day,
when a day taken off of work costs two days worth of unpaid overtime to catch up on the overload,
when a week spent recovering from another plunge into depression costs two more to find any semblance of order again.

When did it become shameful to "stop and smell the roses?" When did we stop encouraging "family time" and start encouraging forty-hour work weeks? When did "taking a break" become synonymous with "being lazy" and "hard work" become synonymous with "overworking?"

If making ends meet costs us our time,
then what's the price of Happiness?
Sustaining a life shouldn't be this hard.
little lion Feb 2021
My life has become a bit like a fishbowl:
the glass is thick and durable, it's supposed to
be smudge-proof, but you never fail to leave your finger-
prints behind. There are rocks at the bottom, a blend of neons:
blue and orange and pink and green and yellow, painted with the
cheap kind of paint that eventually chips away and gathers at the tip-top of the water...always mixing in with the the flimsy food flakes you toss in at mealtimes before watching with disinterested fascination as I swim to the top and sort through what's edible and what's not, as if the food is much better than the chips of paint and the dust bites that gather after a few days of sitting on the counter. My bowl stays in the sun as though the pink and purple fake plants you've given me require time spent in
the light to grow and prosper, although it is fun to check every
now and then to see how much you really care when I let
myself drift to the top of the water to bask in the glow
of either the sun or the artificial lamp that's been
placed next to my bowl. Some nights you
forget to turn it off, but I don't mind
so much because at least then I
can watch over you at night
the way you watch over
her, instead of me.
little lion Nov 2020
It's too cold at night,
I'm searching for your warmth.
I stumble through the dark,
I just want to be alright.

I'm searching for your warmth,
I wake up alone.
I just want to be alright,
but you have made your choice.

I wake up alone,
I'm exhausted and I'm cold
but you have made your choice,
now I am on my own.

I'm exhausted and I'm cold,
I stumble through the night.
Now I am on my own.
It's too cold at night.
little lion Dec 2020
When is it my turn?
19 and living on borrowed time...
where is my happiness, my success?
Where is my devotion and love?
Where is my someone to hold me through the nights and support me through the days?

When will my future come?
For years they promised I'd look back on these "glory days" with nothing but fond remembrances,
but what if I want to forget?
little lion Apr 2021
I hope that when I walk away,
you'll understand that I am leaving
not to hurt you,
but to save myself
from being hurt by you.
I don't want to love you.
little lion Jul 2021
I knew leaving was the right choice
when you couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye.


I suppose your silence tells me everything I need to know.

I hope they're worth it.
little lion Feb 2021
if I had to choose a place
to spend the rest of my days,
I'd choose your arms.
little lion May 2022
taking care to protect myself
from the darkness of my mind
is a full time job,
and i am severely underpaid.
Working hard, or hardly working?
It's hard to tell the difference these days.
little lion Dec 2017
I feel like I’m underwater;
I’m drowning in the dark.
Shaking and screaming
as the water fills my lungs.

I’m drowning in the dark,
alone and afraid.
Kicking and screaming
Against the icy water.

Alone and afraid
I long for your touch
against the icy water
to keep me warm.

I long for your touch,
caressing my skin
to keep me warm
while my body goes numb.

Caressing my skin,
the darkness wraps around me.
While my body goes numb,
my mind fills with fear.

The darkness wraps around me--
shaking and screaming,
my mind fills with fear.
I feel like I’m underwater.
little lion Aug 2021
I have not gotten more than four hours of sleep a night in over two years,
with the single exception being the time you held me to you, moulded me to your body and let me settle, perfectly fit against you like clay.
My only reprieve was your presence beside me that night.

But as you were my reprieve, I was your escape.
A temporary solution to a long-term problem that you were not yet ready to address:
the weight of it remained in the shadows of that night
and the days that followed,
the weeks we spent together
and the nights I longed to be cradled against you once more.

I ignored it the way one ignores an expiration date... hesitantly paying attention at first, then slowly becoming secure in the false-hope that maybe that day will never come,
that things will simply last forever.

youmouldedthepartsofmethatyouneededtofillyourcracksthen­broketherestofmeonceyouwerefixed.

It's been 54 days since we last spoke,
7 months since we last embraced,
9 months since we last kissed,
353 days since that night.


It's been over 730 days since I last slept,
and 353 days since I woke up to a life I wanted to live.

I wish you had been a dream...
I cannot keep living this nightmare.
I thought I was getting over her, but the loneliness of last night proved just how much she ruined me.
little lion Jan 2018
I
   Am
        So
           Tired
                Of
                    The
                        Memories
                            Of
                               You
They
      Haunt
            My
                Dreams
                     And
                        Turn
                            Them
                                  Into
                                       Nightmares.
I hate sleeping alone because there’s nobody to distract me from you
little lion Mar 2021
we're taught the dangers of drugs, told that
"it only takes one."
one drink, one hit, one choice,
as though it's the single poisonous flower out of a beautiful bouquet.

given the choice between a living rose with thorns or
an entire artificial arrangement,
the risk of bleeding will outweigh the everlasting disappointment of the fabricated beauty
every
single
time.
little lion Jul 2022
you are my favorite part of my mornings,

and the hardest part of my nights.




Maybe someday,
I can brew enough
for two.
I long to spend my days with you.
little lion Feb 2018
sleepless nights
sleepless night
sleepless nigh
sleepless nig
sleepless ni
sleepless n
sleepless
sleeples
sleeple
sleepl
sleep
slee
sle
sl
s
sl
sle
sl­ee
sleep
sleepi
sleepin
sleeping
sleeping a
sleeping al
sleeping alo
sleeping alon
sleeping alone
sleeping alone.
little lion Nov 2021
where
where the
where the ****
where the **** did
where the **** did I
where the **** did you
where the **** did we
go...
go wrong?
little lion Jan 2018
I remember waking up next to you in the mornings, our fingers intertwined under your covers. The door would always be open, the thin curtains pushed back so that the sunlight would caress our skin until we awoke.
I remember your call when I was admitted to the hospital. Hearing your choked out sobs, the words of fear and devotion and love spilling from both of our lips.
I remember the tears we both shed after endless movie nights snuggled together in your basement. We’d fall asleep together on the floor, our bodies fused together under a mountain of blankets and stuffed animals that we shared.
I remember the feeling of your arms around me as I cried out in the dark... you swore that it was all okay and that you loved me, that things would get better in time...
God did I love you. I loved you with every single ******* fibre of my being, yet somehow that wasn't good enough. Somehow, 10 years of total devotion to you was not enough. Yet somehow you made it my fault, and I loved you so much that I let myself believe that it was true, thinking it would keep you by my side.
I still remember the day that you left me. The tears ran down my face like a river as you said goodbye to me for the last time. Your name tumbled out of my lips, a desperate plea for you to come back...
Four years later, and you’re still not sorry...
four years later, and I still am.
I miss you
little lion Jul 2022
but a scar;
marring the freckled skin of my arms
&
the dips and valleys of my thighs.

an unhealed wound that
echos in the cavern
surrounding the pieces of my heart
that lay scattered along the shore
of my spirit.

each day glides across my skin
like a knife,
cutting deeper and deeper
into the depths of my body,
bringing nothing but sorrow, pain,
and the whispered words:

"be strong."
My spirit is empty and my body aches.
little lion Aug 2023
nobody will ever be good enough for you,
will they?



well,
I'll never be,
will I?
just tired of it all
little lion Jan 2018
i am not the kind of sick
that leaves the body flushed
at 104 degrees
in the middle of the winter.

                                                               ­                  i am not the kind of sick
                                                            ­                         that causes every breath
                                                          ­          to force
                                                           ­         its way

                                                               ­    back up

                                                             yo­ur throat
                                                          ­             while dragging razor blades
along the inside of your neck.

                       i am not even the kind of sick
                       that comes with a vaccination
                                  or an antibiotic
                            that will chase it away.
no.
                                                                ­                          i am the kind of sick
that leaves you locked in
the bathroom during class
because you can't seem to stop the
             flow of tears
                       running
                               down
                                     your face.

i am the kind of sick
that leaves your hands
sweating
and your voice
shaking
when it's your turn to order dinner
at the diner you've been to
a thousand times.
                                            
                                             i am the kind of sick
                                         that leaves you feeling

l o n e l y
                                              in a crowded room
                                           filled with the people you've
                                           known your whole life.

i am the kind of sick                                                                  ­                                that nobody sees
                                        because it's all in my head
                                      and cannot be cured.
mental health is just as important as physical health. take care of yourself.
little lion Aug 2021
where can I find a place
that will soften my hardened heart
without disrupting the healing
that has only just begun?
out
little lion Oct 2020
out
I want to come out.
I want to walk out and slam the door behind me
with whatever variation of a rainbow flag
billowing in the wind as I walk past.

I want to be out.
I want to be me and do so shamelessly
without fear of judgement or dislike
from people who may disagree

I wish I was out.
But I don't even know what I am
I want be yours and yours alone,
but there's no flag for that

I wish I was yours...
you have my mind and body and soul
but I'm just here on the side,
because you are still hers.
I wish you would choose me.
little lion Jan 2021
Is there a prescription to treat
loneliness?
.
.
.
and how much is needed to cure it?
little lion Jan 2018
my bones are slowly          
                              b  r  e  a  k  i  ­n  g
                                              a     p     a     r     t
without your T  O  U  C  H
to hold them together.

your lips sealed my fate like g l u e
my body is     s    t    u    c    k
waiting and
waiting and
waiting and
w a i t i n g

for you to come back and fix me
little lion Feb 2021
They say that "Nothing worth having comes easy."

I hope that means I'll have you in the end, because it sure is hard
without you.
Or maybe I'm just meant to be alone.
little lion Sep 2022
where do you go

when you need to escape yourself?
somebody please help me.
little lion Mar 2021
I will shatter the mirrors
that reflect me as anything other than
the strong woman
I am becoming.
I am stronger than the demons that try to consume me
little lion Jul 2022
you are not obligated to do anything for anyone that makes you feel like less than yourself.
you owe them nothing
little lion Nov 2021
My role in this life seems to be the
deuteragonist:
"a constant companion to the protagonist or someone who continues actively aiding a protagonist."
All I wish for myself is the love, happiness and success that I have devoted my past, present, and future to helping other people obtain.

I suppose that,
only the protagonist gets to make a wish
that comes true.
I wish I deserved to be loved.
little lion Jan 2018
i wish that
my demons
would burn
with the sunrise
of the new year.
little lion Jan 2021
she may be my soulmate,
but what if
I'm not hers?
little lion Feb 2022
I spend everyday feeling like a sprinter trying to run through molasses except my legs are twigs and my breath catches in my throat so I push and run and try my hardest but I can never move anywhere because my legs won't work because my lungs won't work because my brain won't work because my head is so foggy from the exhaustion fumes filling my skull yet I can't sleep because I can never sleep and the pills and the medicines and the pillow sprays and the weighted blankets and the mindfulness meditation doesn't help so I turn to drugs that stay just long enough to make me hopeful before leaving me empty and dry like the people in my life that I love so I stay alone and empty every night in bed hoping and praying that dreams will flood my mind that night but praying and hoping is never enough so I lay there and pray harder and hope harder and I try with all my might to push harder and harder and harder to break out of the glass castle and into the world but the glass won't break so I throw myself against it but the only cracks are in my bones but I push and I slam until finally I break apart into nothingness because
I
am
nothing.
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