"See If I could love
Don’t you think that I’d love somebody?
If I could trust
Don’t you think that I’d let you touch me?
Teach me to love
I hope there’s still hope for me
‘Cause I wanna love
I wanna love"

-Rudimental ft Emili Sande

Me a pessimist?

Haha! You mistake me my friend

What I am is an *idealist

That has been met with great disappointment

It's always the little things
The little things add up

Good or bad
They multiply

Until you're counting your lucky stars
Or you're **** outta luck

Nostalgia or Noosetalgia?
Cause it chokes me in it
To recall a world where I existed
Without a limit

Crawl around a place
Inside my head
I can't escape
Unsure if that faded memory
Is real or fake
And did I make it

Did I make it?
For here I am
In a present
I'm unable to open up
Tied down by a past
Too much spoken of

And Will I make it?
To a future where there is no limit
Break the bad habit
Take the leap
Snap the rope
Or end up choked by it?

Pulled back by the past
A rose tinted hue
Blood shot eyes
Of asphyxiation
Fixated on a south facing view

Sunny
Its funny how warmth can be found
In something long dead
Neglecting life
Favouring the thoughts in your head

Gotta Be careful when you
Tread this path
Cause memory lane
Will be all that remains
Nostalgia can last

Fed it will grow
Your time is its payment
And before you know it
Your presents your past
You passed up your present
For your Past and your Future?

What Future?
*All you ever hoped for or looked to was the Past

I'm asking you to accept
something that I cannot

Me at my best
AND
Me at my worst

To be honest you just can't win

But I spose Hearts aren't to be Won

Hearts are to be Given

❤

Forget the What, How, When and Who?

I don't work in silver service

I ain't waiting on you

You can keep your obligation
You can keep your guilt
Neither are worthy motivation
To clean up what you spilt

Carve them into your
Swords ******* hilt
For the next sucker to swallow
Under the pretense of **help

A friend once said to me
That rejection is a time for reflection
And I tend to agree
So tell me
As I stare into the face of rejection
Why is it that I see my own reflection?
Am I cursed to take this personally?

Life in Limbo**

How

Low

Can

You

Go?

But you're nothing more than an insomniac, focused entirely on the things you lack. You muse you dream but in the end you slack and you have no one but yourself to thank for that.
The sun beckons but you ignore its calls, deafened by your worries and the doubt that stalls, all you want to do and what you hope to be, the hope that lifts you up momentarily, before the clouds impair your sight and the sun now too close appears to bleed light that has now become too bright
and just like Icarus hope gets burnt and falls back down to the ground where now it crawls.
You try to lift yourself up and stare warily at those around you and try to see,
what it is they possess that you don't have but you are filled with nothing but jealousy.
The sun is not for you is what you decide so the darkness is where you now reside. You wonder if from your mind you will ever be free.
I guess not, cause your mind belongs to me.

I had a panic attack today.
Woke up with that feeling of dread
And I couldn't move.
Tried to change the thoughts running through my head
Still I couldn't move
So I cried
As I laid there convinced I was about to die
Cause it was the only thing I could do to know I was still *alive

Walked into a school

And taught a lesson to us all;

With one moment in the present

You can ****** the **future

And I'm left wondering
when did the term "reality"
come to mean a bad thing?

The minute my
imagination
got traded in...

The little Prince of Persia
Who's purpose is to depurse ya,
Dispersing suits, clock off time city worker,
Mark your card, inertia.
He's no mathematician or  magician
But give him a dynamoment to take you to the cleaners,
cause this one's mean a!
Hellbent on humiliation he'll reverend run you to the station.
He's counting cards, counting on ya till your seeing stars, K.O, ringside seat whilst you get parred, po, poker face he'll drive you gaga!
So Loay and behold he might not be honourable, but he's willing and able to bring the last supper to this table.
He's not called Jack but he's a joker, in guise he tries to choke ya, draw the ace but it won't help ya,
cause you're a disgraced King
and you've just been usurped sir,
by that little Prince of Persia.

I remember when I wrote
my first proper story at ten
It was called Gateway to Heaven.

When My grandad died
I found myself preoccupied
With the notion of the afterlife
Cause I could not believe that someone
Like him could simply be gone.
Couple that with an obsession
With space exploration
And what you got was a spiritual sci-fi.

To be honest it was more a screenplay
I bought it into class
for some reason one day
Not sure why
Maybe I wanted someone to read it.
Left it on my desk and went for a ****
And when I got back my teacher
Who had a bit of a flare for the amateur dramatics
WAS reading it.

I was met with an intrigued gaze as I walked back in,
I remember thinking
ahh why are you going through peoples things?!
That's rude!
(Although I secretly knew she would)

Tryin not to blush as she asked
Me questions about it,
then asked me to stand up and read the plot out to the class.

At this point what you've got to factor in
is that I was incredibly shy,
hmm no maybe not shy,
more under confident.
Not cripplingly so,
don't get me wrong
I was incredibly social,
was very popular in my class as a child
but when it came to sharing thoughts of my introspection,
any talent or shows of confidence,
well let's just say I'd learnt to keep that **** to myself...

But I stood up and read it.

And was met with a
mass of baffled gazes,
a memory that I don't think
will ever leave me.
To be fair it was pretty out there,
all black holes, theology and grief.
The silence that fell,
matching the silence of space itself
makes me wary of silences still.
That eternal moment
Tryin to Guage the judgement
thinking oh **** it!
now everyone knows I'm weird,
shoulda just stuck to my status quo in my final year.

But it was broken eventually
by my friend Funmi who said
"I don't get it"
I'll never forget it,
it was sorta funny,
mostly disappointing.
I wish I had the mentality at that time to think these guys just ain't ready for me
but I guess that was that,
class went back to what it was doing,  
teacher came up with
a look of approval and some words of encouragement which was odd,
she wasn't my favourite teacher at all
and she knew it full well
and i spose that marks my underwhelming moment in the spotlight...

*Although I've always
maintained the belief
that it'll shine bright on me one day
or maybe I'll outshine it

You can Iron out the Dents in your Confidence As much as you like

But it's much better done with
Some Self E**steem

Whatever it is that makes "Us"

I'm Hoping that when we're together you'll Remember

And when we're not, you won't forget.

"You need to step into the real world. You're living a fantasy"


Sorry Ma but that life's not for me.  

                                          So I'll just sit slack

                       And kick back to

My own zone of **reality

I think of the first guy who let me down
Just as his Ex came back to town
And though I can have a laugh
and joke with him now
I will never see him in the same light
ever since that night
Out of cowardice he thought it was alright
After knowing me for a good part of my life
To do me like he did
I guess I dodged a bullet...

But not for long
Tell em how you really feel
And they run

But when you can't be direct
You lose my Respect
And I don't think
That anyone has ever
Won it back

And when you can't be straight up
You forfeit my Trust
And I know for a fact
That nobody has ever
Gained that back
Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever will

And I don't know if this is due to my lack
of understanding, or any hurt that I feel
But I doubt it cause I was born to relate
Tread the emPATHy
But I find it winding and tiring of late
But what is the other option?
Hate?
No, I just wasn't made for that

So I seek to understand the reasoning
And see if this should lead
to an acceptance of  the action
Whether it's a justification
For the jagged fragments I stand upon
of all that can be shattered in a fraction
cause we all make Mistakes right?

My prison is a prism of insight
I constantly have to negotiate
One I wish I could crack
But I guess if I'm Bound to the Rebound
I'll always bounce back

Walk onto a stage called life
and take a look around.
There's much to be found in such a small space,
more to give and much to take
as the curtains called and you're pulled into this performance.
Stare into the audience and pray for applause
but what if you're met with silence?
Spotlight on you as your hopes are ejected
and you my friend have just been rejected
and that is a hard thing to take.
So take a seat, a rejection seat.

Front row to your failures as they come In-ter-view.
Call it the Dragons Den the Lions Pit
and yet they ask me what kind of animal i'll be
as i sit and daydream about Spiderman in a suit
listing qualities of make believe
as he's forced to fill in a CV just like me;
not that i'm a superhero,
i'm just saving face you see,
it's just an amusing thought to ease the anxiety.

And the voluntears they come in turn.
Call em that cause they come momentarily
to remind me involuntarily
that sometimes i do need help and not all things are easy,
not all things are meant to be.
So i take a seat, will you take one with me?

As you watch that relationship sail
and wonder how did it fail?
Bon voyAge is irrelevant.
Whether it be school crush folly to divorcee
it's a learning curve right?
Hard when it seems the only thing you taught me
is what it means to feel lonely.
It's cold in that place called the one way street,
so take a seat. Pull up a chair to something that's no longer there
and share in despair as you stare at your feet.

But you will raise your head eventually.
Adopt the thinkers pose, indulge in some feelosophy.
Cause a friend once said to me that rejection is a time for reflection
and i tend to agree.
So tell me, as i stare into the face of rejection
why is it that i see my own reflection?
Am i cursed to take this personally?
It's always the shoulda, woulda, couldas that get to me.
Do they get to you?
If so take a seat.

And are you sitting uncomfortably?
Cause you shouldn't be.
Take comfort as you stare along row upon row of chairs
that stretch along beyond you and me.
Side to side, across from and diagonally.
Filling the Feartre.
There's many to be found in such a small space,
more that give and much that take
and though this may be the closing scene
there's another show tomorrow
and you and I will receive our standing ovation,
just take my hand and stand with me.
Cause this seat was only ever meant to be temporary.

Seems like everyone's
looking for replacements,
the lost and left
huddled together
seeking their placement,
anAtomys standing static
but the field is magnetic,
bonds are bound for
the making and we
take it with ease
not questioning if
we're faking it,
and in fact instead
of friends we're
lining up
potential enemies.
Is it all just
overfamiliarity?
Is the attraction just distraction?
Force filled friendship
or true connection?
Full of heart
or cardiac arrested development
trying to drown
out the loneliness and rejection?

And if so how long will it last?
How strong is the net cast?
Is it holding us together
Or are we just caught up?
Deferring inevitable dejection,
only a matter of time
before detection and
we're exposed for
the fraudulents we are?

Or have soul mates been found?
Lovers been crowned ,
best friends and brothers
who will always be round?
Better things coming together
replacing what's broken?
Truth lying in the unspoken.
Filling vacant places
like liquid frozen.
All In good Time?
But can you Trust in time
when it ultimately brings
atrophy and erosion?
Or Will these laws
be undone by devotion?
Logic replaced with emotion?

Possibly...

But enough philosophy
my replacement bus is here.

It takes a brave person
to honestly say
that they have no regrets
when they're in a bad place

No rest for the Wicked.

No rest for the Weak.

No rest for the ones

that play Hide

and don't Seek.

You don't need Comfort

You don't need Distraction

What you need is a plan of Action

Credit given
Where credits due
But my pay as you go phone
Deserves more than you!

Thinking you've got hidden depths
When really you've got about as much mystery surrounding you
as an average episode of ****** Doo.

Creepy Janitor, we all know it's you!

Seal of Approval,
he claps his
flippers for you.

So it's only right
You throw him
A fish or two.

;-)

I wonder how far
you can change your personality
and all those susceptibilities.
Those patterns you follow
as you weave your fate.
But is it your own?
Can you trust in those
sense and sense abilities?
Cause personally
I don't know
if this personality
is something you *own.