dear you,

this is a goodbye to you. it's something i never wanted to write, but i think it's something i need to do. you were, and still are, i'm afraid, a large part of me, and that doesn't go away.

i know that towards the end, here, things were bad... really bad, and i know you blame me. i do as well, somewhere deep; i think so deeply all the time about whether or not this could have been fixed, if my mistakes had never happened, if we would still be okay... i still don't have an answer.

the nights i have spent absolutely crippled with sadness, curled up so tight into myself that i thought i might implode... i would do them all over again if it meant we could start over. the love i have for you was and is real, very real; i know you don't believe that and i don't think i can convince you otherwise. my heart aches at the thought of letting you go, darling, but i have to buck up sometime, don't i?

i so badly wanted it to be you. so badly i would give it all away; but love has a funny way of making you feel on top of the world and underneath it in the same sweet breath. you drive me so ******* crazy, and make me so angry to the point of seeing red, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. my love for you goes too deep.

we're terrible for each other. i know it, and so do you. no doubt crashing and burning would be inevitable, but i couldn't care less. the passion i feel when i kiss you and feel you blind me from caring; it's been months since i've felt you and i still have the same sentiment.

this is just me writing, avoiding the whole point of this... to say goodbye. i so badly don't want to, but this is what i need... and what you no doubt want. i want only a few things for you:

the first is to learn how to forgive. me in specific, yes, but also as a whole. you dwell too much on holding grudges, and you need to let that go. you're thick-headed, dear, and allowing for explanations isn't your strongest suit.

the next thing i want for you is to think of me. i don't want you to forget. i know you'll probably drown yourself in so much brandy you forget your own name, but try not to forget mine in the mess of it all. i know you're so angry you don't even want to hear my name, but please... i don't want to be tucked under the rug like some forgotten belonging. we've gone through so much for me to be pushed aside so coldly. remember the way i felt as your electric fingertips brushed over me, don't disregard those sparks.

the last thing i want for you is happiness; i want you to be so happy you don't know what to do with yourself. whether it is with me, or her, or no one at all, it doesn't matter. i don't think you're a monster, and i want your happiness more than mine. i love you, so much, and seeing you happy after so many months of anger would put me at a little bit of ease. seeing someone or something do what i so obviously could not would show me happiness is still possible in you.

this is it, i suppose. all things need to end and this is one thing i dreaded the most. if we never speak again, just know you planted something in me that can't and won't quit. i love you so much, and thank you. for showing me this heart was capable of loving again. you'll be on my mind, always.

so much love,
me.

i'm a trainwreck, baby
so crash into me
we'll leave our baggage here
under the debris

take my hand and don't look back
the fire burns bright, now
we'll never have to question
when
who
or how

just us in this space
before our lips finally meet
our legs intertwining
retaining body heat

i know you say you don't love me
that this heart isn't enough
but why do you keep holding on
making the edges of me rough
ragged
and torn
held onto you by threads
you know i'd jump through it all for you
bash in a thousand heads
just to hear those sweet words from you
something that won't make me weep
i am yours for the taking
and i wish you were mine to keep

goodnight to you
and goodnight to me
there is so much more that we could be
but time does not stop
not even an hour
it will swallow you whole
and make you sour

perhaps two souls such as ours
were never meant to be
but words cannot describe
how much you mean to me

like the moon pulls the waves
on all the sandy shores
i held you ever so briefly
but would never be called yours

it's been a weird night of sleeping without you
and dreaming about you
wrapped around me like twine
stuck in my head like a broken record
i'm drunk off you like wine

there are things i don't understand about you
nor do i want to try
but i sit there with my thoughts
and can't help but wonder why

that when you said you loved me
you did it with a close-lipped smile
you put me on blast like a spotlight
much like a criminal on trial

i muttered it back as easy as my name
making sure you heard
every syllable, every sound
every single word

your mouth had mimicked mine
as we came together as one
with each and every intake of breath
i slowly became undone

i let go of myself and all my whims
and breathed to you "you're mine"
you smiled with a sad crooked mouth
and whispered against my cheek
"fine"

there are things i don't understand about you
nor do i want to try
but i sit there with my thoughts
and can't help but wonder why

you made roses burst from my eyes and my ears
when you whispered your love
then decided you needed to trim the hedges

it was a tuesday when you left me
my body filled with a bottle of moscato
my fingertips shaking over the keyboard
hovering over the letters as if i was typing in midair

you told me you were finished
that you didn't want me to be a part of you anymore
as if i never made you feel anything
as if my touches on your skin meant nothing

i licked the brim of my glass
as the tears rolled down my cheeks
my tongue feeling the cold liquor
wishing i had more and more
enough to drown me and swallow me whole

you were a part of me for so long
my daily routine, the part of my day i looked forward to most
and now you're gone
a gust of wind through my ear like a whisper
telling me you love me
never to return

when i drink, i dream
vivid and tangible
like i can touch them with delicate fingers
about pointless things
happy things
painful things

when i dream, i dream of you
your hands
your lips
your face
your words telling me things i don't want to hear
i dream of you so often

i try to not think of you
the pain just a little too relevant and a little too tender
but you're right there
in the front of my mind
with those brown eyes i can't escape from

when i drink, you are the only thing on my mind
and i know i had messed up this because of the same thing that makes me dream of you

when i dream of you
i wake up and for a moment
we aren't broken and tattered
when i wake up i think that maybe
just maybe
we can be okay
until i come to my senses and those lips didn't touch me
your hands didn't find my curves
and your words didn't always sting like a sting from one thousand nettles

i drink to dream of you

i am so afraid of losing you
i do not know what to do anymore
you are the thoughts in my head every day
and the pain i feel every night

fingers aching
mind racing
waiting for that sound
knees weak
body heavy
i crave you when you aren't around

a day goes by
maybe two
maybe four
wishing there was something from you
i'm always wanting more

i want you in the most visceral way
itching for your hands on skin
awakened something from me inside
showered me with sin

there it is
the heartbeat vibration
making my heart pound
you come back again and again
Pulse is my favorite sound

you touched my skin to feel a rush
but jumped when the spark bit you

there is a man who has my heart
with eyes the most darling shade of blue
he turned my heart from black and white
and filled it with every hue

days we sat upon the porch
drinking our wine and tea
and all i could think to myself was
how lucky i was with he

the days and weeks passed
spring and summer went
but fall passed with gloom and anger
by winter you were spent

i held your hand as you wept to me
the feelings of your despair
and your gaze had slipped from my eyes
your fingers from my hair

it has been a long time but i am still here
sipping my wine and tea
and all i can think to myself was
how lucky i was with he

i was never a fan of brown eyes
they never appealed to me
perhaps it's because the first boy i ever gave my heart to
had eyes as brown as pure cacao
and he shattered my heart like a windowpane

or because a man with eyes brown, flecked with gold
hit me like a punching bag one night after the sun went down

but it wasn't until you and i were laying inches apart from each other
on my bed that thursday morning
post coitus
that i noticed your eyes were the color of the sweetest chocolate
a dark ale i wanted to devour
i realized then that perhaps brown is my favorite color after all

you were attached to me like art in a museum
you were my mona lisa
and i simply was the plaque underneath

i am grateful for the short time i had with you
and the way i was loved so incredibly
i lived for the little infinities we created
on the back roads and in your bedroom
where time mysteriously disappeared
and all we had was the way our hearts synchronized

i am grateful for the hours we spent
discovering who we were as one
instead of two troubled individuals who spent
too much time divulging in their own dusty skeletons they keep in totes underneath the bed
finding each other in the small corners of the world
like on top of a bluff
or in the middle of a river
where the only thing that mattered
was the way lips warm and the way bodies melt together

i am grateful for the heartbreak
for the tears that have been shed for you
because without you i would have never known
what it feels like to be broken by someone
who i love unconditionally
and what it feels like to live without the other half of me

somehow
between the sadness and the hopelessness i felt within me
i learned how to sew my body together
to make a whole being once again
even though the scars and the holes still remain
i'm someone again
i hope you are as well

the haze of summer hung in the air
blurring the lines between our bodies
buried in the white sheets
on the three-season patio day bed
where i learned how
your body felt when i moved my hand across the light skin of your torso
and no matter how warm the temperatures got
i'd still wrap my arms tight around you
like you were a towel in need of wringing

we shared iced tea
siting in the chaise lounges
the sun setting a crimson outside our window
you told me of the time you landed yourself out on the street
strumming your guitar for money
until you finally found your footing
when i came and took you in
which is where we found ourselves on this porch into the early hours
summer haze billowing the curtains as a breeze rolls in
the night the only illumination in your eyes

you revealed to me that you were in love with me
the idea of what i had become to you
and how you love the sound of my voice at two in the morning
scratching the surface of your rough facade
breaking into something that was seemingly impenetrable

you meant the world
to someone so little and unimportant
that as the fall came and went
and winter set in
your imprint on this bed still lingers
even though your feet left my threshold
too many days ago

and i hate to admit
i'm a lover of all things dangerous;
torrential downpours
too much whiskey
your hands and your lips

you are my comfort
when he is far away from me
further away than i would care to have him

you are the warmth in my body
when he brings me coldness
spreading to individual cells throughout me
filling me
making me whole

you are the kindness
when his heart is cruel
too cruel for me to palate most days

you are the light
when he is dark
illuminating me completely

i wish i could give myself to you fully

i wish he didn't hold such a part of me

maybe my body
is just a vessel
destined to be filled
with the glories of your love

maybe this vessel
has been filled by too many
and the thought of topping it off
with your love
your compassion
scares the hell out of it

in all my years of living
i have learned
that nobody stays as long as they promise to

dear you,

i don't know where to start this. you came into my life at the most opportune time, when my heart was open and i was ready. you spoke the loveliest words i have heard from someone's mouth, the connection between us something i could not begin to describe.

your soul touched mine in the weirdest way, a way i was not sure i could feel again. the conversations into the early hours of the morning are something i can recall; soon you just became a part of my life. wake up, shower, talk to you, work, go home, talk to you, sleep.

you became so important to me. and before i knew it, the feelings i felt for you were real, and so tangible. much more than the innocent friendship i thought it was...i did not tell you, though. i thought the feelings were not mutual.

you kindled something in me that sparked a flame, something buried underneath of the rubble left from people before you touched my soul. you made me feel something again that i thought had died, with the others that have left me.

one drunken confession led to the admission of feelings to each other...and the message from your significant other made it crash to the ground, in my eyes. did you care, though? no. six and a half years with her and you wanted something new, wanted new skin to place your lips upon.

the conversations were no longer just small chat, a lot deeper and less appropriate. i cherish every single conversation i have ever had with you, every beautiful word pouring out of your mouth like a faucet spewing out letters onto the ground, onto my feet.

i found someone, someone i could be held by at night while you held your lover. he was beautiful, and after more drunken words you let me know that you did not care for the way his eyes lingered on me, his hands touching the soft curves of me. i lost interest in him...for you. a man who already had a woman on his arm, someone to say "i love you" to every morning. some would consider that selfish, on your part, telling you that you cannot have both while holding onto the other.

i am not sure if i am the other, or if it is her.

the moment our lips met, the moment your fidelity turned black, i knew something in me had changed. i do not regret what i did; no, i do not regret how ravenous i felt when you touched me. i understand most people think about how terrible i am for it, but it was not one sided, darling. i know you feel it, too.

it would be a daft statement to say that i am in love with you. you are almost unattainable, to me, and yet...i cannot seem to find my way back from you. but i do think i love you. i am not sure in what way, all i know is that i believe i am. a man does not tenderly touch my heart like you do without leaving a trace of yourself behind.

the only question i have is if you love me too. and currently, my heart is hurting because i do not know if we are the thing we are, anymore. if we are not, then here is a goodbye to you. just know that a man like you cannot deny the connection between us.

i know you will probably never read this, and i do not expect you to. but just know that you have changed me in a way that i cannot begin to explain. and if we never talk again, if everything has gone to ash, i will remember you somewhere in the deep pit of my heart.

i love you. wholeheartedly and irrevocably.

i just wish i knew
why you gave me flowers
voluptuous and full of colour
and left
as soon as they started to fade

and maybe the rain
is your way of saying
you miss my tears on your pillow

i know you messed me up
made me feel things forgotten
buried deep in me now excavated
covered in dirt and debris

you ******* me up in the best kind of way
made my heart beat fast and slow
at the same time
knocking me off my feet with a single look

those blue eyes can't be forgotten
locked somewhere deep in my head
where you reside
lying dormant until you pick yourself up
and take over the rest
leaving me breathless and intoxicated

i'd be lying if i said i didn't need you
like the breath in my lungs
and the blood in my veins

i'd be lying if i said you didn't mean a thing to me

you messed me up in the worst
and best
kind of way

and i can't even stomach the movie Juno
without thinking of your lips on my skin
Sea of Love was our anthem
and darling
our sea of love hath overflown

how can you leave
bruises on my *******
and a hole in my chest
all within the same sweet breath?

and maybe
the moon mourns the sun
for their love is forbidden

they are passing lovers
in this endless endeavor
to find something visceral and real

my muscles will ache with the change in the weather
just promise me we'll stay together
buried in this room
the light shining through
nothing disturbing us
just me
and you

i woke up with a pain in my chest
the trials and tribulations of last night
worn like a scar on my arm
freshly sliced and roughly stitched

i woke up with a pain in my chest
the soft curves of your lips
against the hard lines of your jaw
the only thing i could focus on
when my eyes closed slightly

i woke up with a pain in my chest
when i cough
and my voice is hoarse from the screams
words of malice slicing through the air
and calling after you once you walked

i woke up with a pain in my chest
because you ripped through it
when you shut that door

i woke up with a pain in my chest
because you are no longer mine

you left us
nearly two weeks ago
and all i can say i've learned from this
is that life is unfair
and takes the best people
when we least expect it

never again will i hear the sound of your laugh
or see the raising of your eyebrow
when you hear a silly joke

i don't know where you are now
but i hope you're happy
i hope the constant supply
of black crown is enough to keep you sane
and i hope you hear our silent prayers to you

because we all miss you
your soul was so warm and kind
even though you thought
you couldn't be loved by a single soul

everyone loved you
i am not the only one who will miss your laugh
and your smile
and your kind nature

we are all broken

maybe again
i'll see you
hear you
laugh with you

i don't know the exact spot where the sun
meets the horizon
but i think
that's where i'll find you

my soul is aching
for the loss of my friend
i can't stand the hole in my chest
afflicted by this travesty
called your death

sorry is my favorite word
i repeat it like i'm saying my name
for everything
i say sorry to the man who bumped into me
i say sorry to my cat for stepping on his tail
i say sorry to my mom for being such a failure

sorry was my favorite word for you
telling you how sorry i was
that i couldn't love you enough
and i always said sorry
sorry
sorry
that one day my sorry
did not matter to you
and you told me to never speak to you again
all i did was say sorry

i say sorry to everyone
because i feel everything i do in life
is a nuisance
something to apologize for

i remember the day you called me beautiful
we were sitting on the hood of your car
staring up at the sky
until our eyes blurred out the stars

i reached out to grab the blanket
to pull it tighter
and your hand happened to be there
and when i looked to you
you told me how beautiful i was

and that stuck with me
because in 30 years
the world will be different
and we will be far apart from each other
further than we are now

the trees will have grown in full
and the flowers will have lived their cycles
the hairs on my head will turn grey
along with the man i spend my life with

but one night
maybe
i will remember the contact of our hands
on the hood of that car
and i will remember
how the world "beautiful" felt on your mouth
as i kissed your lips after every word

if i could go one day without remembering you
if somehow
i could forget you completely
your existence obsolete

if i could forget the way i would fall into you
breathing in the strong scent of you
or the way your voice was gruff in my ears
as you whispered my name

forgetting you seems impossible
but if i could forget you
everything about you
i would

you kissed me so hard
i thought i would never again
be able to feel such passion
those two lips created

those two lips that now linger
regardless of how many i kiss

i apologize for the way
i can't hold my own
at a party with too much smoke and alcohol
and how
i told you i loved you
when those were the last words you wanted to hear

i apologize for the way
i screamed at you
and relentlessly hurt you
because i couldn't find a way
to cope with my own personal demons

i apologize for never being happy enough for you
and not laughing when i should
and crying too much
over the stupid little things
that made you roll your eyes

and i apologize for trying too hard
for not trying enough
and for the times where
i didn't care if you were even in my life
because i was too stuck on myself
to see that someone actually did care

i apologize for pushing you away
and making you leave
because when someone loves me
i don't know how to deal with it

and eventually
i let it eat away at me
until all that's left
is me
in crumpled up pieces of paper on the floor

i'm sorry i loved you

when i scream to the heavens
with a hoarse voice from the most guttural part of me
about how much i despise everything about you and this world
i hope someone listens close enough to hear me

maybe my voice has disappeared
from years of screaming

i lost myself in him
to fill the void you left
where your hands used to be
his wander
lingering touches on the curves of me
the curves you loved so dearly

i lost myself in the way he breathes
his chest heaving and sighing in rhythm to mine
how yours was so
ragged
uneven
like a large weight was placed upon your chest
maybe that weight
was me

i lost myself to him
rendering myself hopeless
to the soft lips on skin
the soft lips that when i close my eyes
reminds me of yours
so pink and full
i could bite that bottom lip always

i lost myself in him
because i found something inside me
that was long forgotten
i kick started the embers burning quietly
roaring to life at the first touch
of his hand on my thigh

i lost myself in the murmured praises
whispering words of my beauty in my ear
making the warmth spread
to the most delicate parts of me
making me ravenous
craving something only another can fill
all the words
reminded me of you

so i shut your face out
i shut out your voice and your words
memories of you and me together
in a situation of intimacy such as this
and lost myself in him

and now i can't seem to find my way back

if the stars carried all the stories in the world

I think i’d be most interested

in the ones that tell me of you when you were six

when you’re stuffed monkey was your only friend

and the stories of when you were ten

when you realized you liked a girl with brown pigtails

and you picked out the best flower in the field

only to have it thrown at your feet

if the stars carried all the stories in the world

i’d like to listen to them

with you laying by my side

telling me that Andromeda held all your secrets

and Orion held all your desires

and that the best star of all

was laying next to you

on a blanket in the dew covered grass.

the back of your truck was painted a brick red, with the previous blue showing through the cracked paint.

I remember the drive up to the top of the hill with you

Bon Iver playing softly on the radio as you grabbed my hand

singing me the words to Skinny Love

and even though the parts of me weren’t skinny

you loved me anyway.



We reached the top of the hill, and everything around us was dark

the moon was new, the sky blackened like a bruise

the car lights shut off and I jump out of the cab

"too short for trucks" I murmur

I rub my eyes to look up at the sky and gasp

stars freckle the once black sky, casting a luminescent glow over the hills

and on your face

twinkling in your eyes

and I remember thinking how beautiful you were that night.



You pull all of the blankets you brought out of the back seat

and begin forming a makeshift mattress in the bed of your truck

I watch you in awe

watch the muscles in your arm contract as you work hard

to make this night perfect for me.

"I love you, you know that, right?" I whisper to you

you lean over the edge and kiss my lips

and say

"I know".



Helping me into the truck I find my favorite blanket

the plaid one with the wine stain from late night endeavors with you

and wrap myself tight

you wriggle your way in with me, throwing another over us

and I look up

amazement finds my eyes and my mouth is agape

but you don’t see it

I look over to you and see you gawking at me

I whisper what, and shuffle your hair

and you smile coyly

"The stars pale in comparison to the beauty that lies next to me"

I grab his face and find his lips

kissing him over and over

somewhere in between kisses and stargazing we find each other

half naked in the back of your truck

and I’ve never felt so alive.

don't fall in love with me
because I'll be the reason
at 2 a.m. you won't get sleep
holding onto me tight as I shake with insomnia
and as you stroke my back
the insomnia will take you over as well

never fall in love with me
I'm damaged goods
a box dented on all corners
broken glass littering the insides
don't fall in love with me
because I'll cut you with the shards
and not know I did it until you're bleeding onto my hands

falling in love with me is a mistake
because the anxiety in my body
is enough to bust a volcano
and I'll push it on you
until you're my own personal inferno
and I won't realize it
until the burning ash is raining down on me

I wouldn't fall in love with me, if I were you
because this particularly beautiful facade
can turn bone shatteringly devastating
in the matter of seconds
all it takes is a trigger
and I will break
without warning
crushing every single beautiful thing in my path
i won't realize it until you have disappeared into the blackness
it'll be too late, for me

Ernest Hemingway once said to write hard and clear about what hurts
what he didn't say
was how hard it would be
to write about the raw feeling my heart would get
when you ripped your part away
and he did not speak of how difficult it would be
to choke back everything
and leave it for the night sky to listen to my broken cries for you

he never mentioned in that quote
what it would be like to find you with another
and how i'd have to feign happiness
when all i saw around me was blackness
and how when i saw you for the first time
after the storm
you'd look at me like i was a foreigner
someone who never kissed your lips
or touched your skin
and while my fingertips burned with recognition of the soft yet hard skin of you
you turned the other cheek, the one i kissed endlessly

when i read that quote
i thought long and hard about what hurts
and the first thought that came to me
was you
it will always be you